Chapter Nine

Killing Dreams

The next morning we woke to pounding on the door.

We had woken twice for more fun in the night, each time I showed him a new position and a few more tricks to please a woman; and though I was a little sore, I was very happy.

I summoned a robe and made sure Alistair was covered before answering. I was glad that the bed couldn't be seen from outside the door.

I smiled as I answered the door, "Aedan! I'm so glad your back, I…. What?" he looked very annoyed.

"I leave you here after you passed out, and when I come back what do I hear? That you've not only established yourself as a noble, but that you and Alistair have been sharing a room the whole time I've been gone. Where is he?" Aedan asked, looking ready to kill as he caught sight of the giant hickey on my neck.

I smiled wickedly, "He's still in bed, of course – I really wore him out. Besides – didn't you all push him into snuggling with me before you left for the tower? I suppose we could meet downstairs for breakfast in say… half an hour?" I replied when I caught sight of Lelianna and Zevran coming down the hall.

"No, I want to talk to him now." Aedan growled.

I gave a wide grin, "Of course you can talk to him now, Aedan. I'm also going to get dressed now, so you'll likely see something you don't want too…" Aedan paled as Lelianna and Zev started voicing their desire to participate.

"… You can't wait to get dressed while I talk…?"

I chuckled darkly, "Of course not… Oh Leli dear… do you have some bandages? I seem to have made a dreadful mess of Alistairs' back," I said in a sweet voice.

Aedan began stalking back down the hall as Leli and Zev laughed. I closed the door and saw Alistair sitting up, staring at a small bloody spot my side of the bed. I suppose we were ignoring all the blood on his side.

"What… what's this? I hurt you?" he sounded horrified.

"Not really – that's actually normal. And anyway, I had my suspicions that it was going to be like that. After all, I was human and burned alive, I shouldn't have a body, and so how am I here? I know I look really similar to how I did; my chest, gut, height… but yet I have pointed ears, different hair, and eyes… this is a new body. This body hadn't had sex before, so it was a virgin… you didn't hurt me, love. If anything, I'm glad it was you, and I hardly felt it anyway," I told him as I began pulling on a new dress.

Todays' theme was red and black. I had a single shoulder deep red dress that faded to black at the asymmetrical hem that ended at my left ankle and right knee. My left shoulder was bare and it even showed the 4 tattoos that I had; one on each upper arm, my right wrist, and one on my back between the shoulder blades. I chose black wedges and a red shawl. My hair was done in my 'Elven Crown' style. I added a platinum Celtic knot style circlet with a single ruby at the center of my forehead, and the platinum band seemed to fade into my braids when it reached my hair, and then did red and black smoky eye shadow with dark red matte lipstick and cat eye eyeliner.

My right arm that had a tribal style infinity sign done in black and red… had changed. To my surprise it had gained a red and black heart added to it making it look like the Polyamory symbol, giving me the feeling that some higher power had married Alistair and me.

Alistair had been stunned when I removed the magic that covered my tattoos, but he seemed to like them… I had hesitated but told him my suspicion about the Poly tattoo… he had been surprised but seemed to take it in stride; even after I told him about Polyamory and what it would mean if that were exactly what the tattoo meant.

I had wanted to get another one soon, but later. Maybe I would ask Zev to ink me… Alistair had asked what the Poly Tatt would mean for us and I told him that it simply meant that I'd always be his even if I was also someone else's or the other way around… he liked that, and started calling me his 'Wife'. I chuckled at that and told him not to say it around Aedan too soon. I suppose what really cemented the theory and caused me to tell him was the fact that he had a matching one on his upper arm. When he touched his, I felt my warm up, and vice versa.

I had Alistair in black suit pants and a crimson shirt with the top few buttons undone. I left his hair messed up and took his arm.

When we entered the Main hall, there was a stunned silence.

I curtseyed to the Kinlock Hold people, "First Enchanter Irving, Knight-Commander Greagoir, how lovely to see you again. I do hope that the journey wasn't too harsh?" Alistair once more helped me with my chair before taking the seat next to mine.

Zev seemed to have filled our companions in on my mischief since they left so no one was too surprised with my behavior.

"Not at all, My Lady; thank you for your concern," Greagoir responded – he seemed unsurprised and I had to assume that it was because of my 'marriage to a nobleman' story.

Aedan stabbed his fork harshly into his eggs as I gave a gentle smile. Lelianna looked like she was seeing me in a whole new light, Sten was impassive as always, Morrigan looked flat out bored, Wynne looked a tad disappointed and I think I knew why – the whole duty above all thing, and Zev was smirking.

"So you never did tell us where you are from," Isolde sounded like she was giddy to catch me in a Lie. Darn – I had thought she would be more cordial after our buissness deals before.

"Oh, you won't have heard of it. I'm from a place so far away I can't find it on any of your maps," I made myself sound sad. Again, that was true. If by 'away' you meant… another dimension.

"Then, if I may ask, how did you get here?" Greagoir asked.

"Oh I flew here! If you ever have the chance to ride on the back of a Dragon, I highly recommend it. It is a most exhilarating experience. Very few from my home land have ever dreamed of actually having the pleasure, and I do find myself quite grateful for it," I gushed with what I hoped was a disarming smile. I did fly… through the fade and got dropped on my ass in the Korcari Wilds.

The Templars and Mages who had come to assist Connor all paled.

"I… must admit, My Lady, you are far braver than I," Greagoir muttered.

Sten had actually showed interest in the story of riding a dragon, but otherwise there was silence again.

"So, little sister, how have you been since I left? I wanted to wait till you were better, but I did not wish to delay the saving of Connor…" Aedan asked.

"Actually, I've been quite well. I sold some more of my soaps. Teagan liked Nobles' Fire, the Arlessa enjoyed River Rain, Teagan thought the Arl might enjoy Smokescreen and of course there was a bottle of Templars' Rose thrown in for Connor. I also created a new scent – War Torn. It smells like maps and blade polish and was inspired by Teyrn Loghain."

Aedan blinked at the information, "Oh… well, that's good. Did anything else happen while I was gone?"

"I took it upon myself to teach Alistair all he needs to know about courtly goings on… just in case he ever ends up in a Court of course," I said, keeping my voice soft to make me appear more lady-like.

"Speaking of that – I hear you met Lord Anderson?" Teagan asked before Isolde could say anything. Aedan nodded, "For a brief moment in the Fade. We were all locked in our pasts or futures by a demon in Kinlock Hold. I met Lord Alex and their son, Levi."

"What exactly was his title?" Isolde pressed while glaring at me. Aedan jumped to my rescue, "He was similar in status to a Teyrn."

Okay, no one had said anything of the sort before. I kept my face carefully masked. Aedan likely thought he guessed right.

Teagan looked floored, "You were a Teyrna?"

"Well… I was something similar." Why couldn't I say no? Was this body truly nobility? That thought worried me more than anything.

Aedan looked triumphant that he had guessed correctly since they all knew I was incapable of lying.

Greagoir nodded, "That is rather fascinating – that you had such a progressive land as to have Elves allowed in the nobility. Oh, before I forget; Cullen wished me to let you know about his Transfer to the Kirkwall circle. He will be leaving in the next month and will receive a promotion to Knight-Captain," Greagoir informed me.

"I thank you, Knight-Commander. If you could convey my congratulations upon your return, I would be much obliged. I actually planned to move to Kirkwall myself after the Blights end, perhaps I will have to seek him out then," I lowered my head in a slight bow.

"Wait, wait… your son was of the same status as Aedan?" Alistair asked. I shrugged, "Does that matter now? I have neither my son nor my husband anymore."

He flinched, "That was tactless of me; I apologize." Alistair was also the only one who knew that it was my new body and not my previous life that was nobility. He was only attempting to help me solidify that now. I hadn't wanted him believing any lies about me so I came clean days after Aedan departed for the Circle.

Irving cleared his throat, "Lady Anderson, I must thank you for the soap. We've been using it sparingly, but already the benefits are noticeable. Those who use Templars' Rose do notice an increase in power – mage and Templar alike."

I smiled, "That's good to know."

Greagoir gave a firm nod, "The dissolvable stitching thread is also popular among the Templars after the latest… incident. So I will thank you for that as well. I did come prepared to buy that recipe."

I blinked; how much was Kinlock Hold going to pay me specifically? Already I had gotten 350 gold coins from them – how much more did they have?

I realized I had spoken aloud when Alistair, Aedan and Irving all laughed. Greagoir smiled, "I will admit to you that most of what we have is from what the Chantry sends us for expenses and Nobles do occasionally pay to keep their children in a specific circle so they can see and visit them often – those payments are allowed by the Grand Cathedral, so you know. And already we have sent word to the Divine about your Templar Rose soap. If all goes accordingly then you may receive a permanent buissness offer from the Chantry for your Lyrium infused soap. White Spire especially will be interested in it. Though I do have to ask where you get the Lyrium."

I gave a secretive smile, "This world was shaped by the titans, Knight-Commander. Lyrium is the very blood that runs through titans' veins. It is all over this world if you know where to look. It is not only under the ground, after all. It is in the very water that people drink. You simple need to know how to extract it."

He paled, "Lyrium is what?"

"Didn't you know, Commander? The Dwarves used to know – they don't anymore; it was stripped from the memories. There are still places, however, where this information is still recorded. This is common knowledge where I'm from."

"So… what I'm hearing is that I've been using blood soap," Alistair said after a moment. I giggled, "Lyrium may be Titan Blood, but it is more mineral that blood."

People got quiet after that – they needed time to think it over.

When breakfast was over, Aedan dragged Alistair and me to the Library as Leli and Zev followed.

"What the hell? You told me you did grow up rich before, how are you so well able to act like it? Judging by the age of your son, you weren't married that long. And why have you been sharing a room with him?" Alistair looked at me wide eyed as Aedan was barely containing his Anger.

"You think you can scold me? I can act Noble because it's common knowledge how to act around royalty where I'm from. I was taught a lot of things, and I put that knowledge to good use. I shared a room with Alistair because I was having trouble sleeping alone. If you really want details, I can give them, but we didn't do what you think until last night. I know we can't be together past the Blight; I fucking know that! Doesn't change that I want to have what time I can with him. You don't get to scold me when you want to start a relationship of your own with Leli," at this point I was fuming. I was so close to slapping Aedan for trying to shame me that Alistair had to hold me back.

Lelianna looked at Aedan as though she finally realized that she was falling for him, and Zev looked like he was listening for unexpected intruders.

Alistair was whispering nonsense in my ear to calm me; things like 'you can't kill him' 'my wife' and 'he's your brother', and damn it, it was working… thankfully he was whispering low enough that only I heard him… "Alistair, can't you ever let me be mad?" I pouted as I turned my head to look at him.

"I suppose not," he chuckled. I smiled and gave him a soft kiss.

A knock sounded at the door, "It's time for the ritual," Morrigan called into the room.

Down in the great hall, Irving was talking to Aedan. "We can send one Mage through the Veil to combat this demon, but I will leave the decision up to you as to who it will be."

I saw it in a vision seconds before he said, "Ara."

I flinched when Irving looked at me, "I said it had to be a Mage, son. I feel no magic from her."

I felt tears leak down my cheek as he said, "She is a Mage. We aren't sure why she can't be felt, but she does have magic."

I realized I had managed to 'harden' him when Alistair – who knew exactly why I was crying – began shouting at Aedan that it hadn't been his secret to tell; because even if Irving was an okay guy, what about the Templars who would surely want to drag me to the circle?

Even Lelianna and Zevran admonished him as Wynne frowned at him.

"Aedan… I knew you were mad at me, but I didn't think you'd want me dead. I know how things are done here… if the Templars learn of this I'll be branded as a blood mage, regardless of the fact that I can't use blood magic… hunted down. Do you realize what you've done? I will do this – for Connor – but if it results in my death… May your Maker help you, because I know at least three of our friends will try to kill you," I said softly.

"You can… stay in this room; the ritual doesn't require you to be in a magic circle so the Templars don't need to know…I will… I'll tell them it's Wynne going in, and she preferred to lay on the couch rather than the floor… Greagoir always had a soft spot for her, so I don't think he'll object," Irving said softly.

I gave a slight nod. And soon enough I was sent into the fade.

I didn't like the fade much – especially now. Only Alistair and Zevran currently knew about the wings that had appeared while I was teaching in the library 3 days ago. So here I was, in the fade, with full blown feathered wings decorating my back. They were triple my arm-span and colored with a white-to-black fade. The white started at the shoulder-blades and faded to black by the time it reached any of the feather-tips. I couldn't seem to retract them while I was in the Fade.

I found Eamon easily enough – he hailed me as Andraste thanks to my glowing wings… I was sure he was completely delusional and was fucking glad he wouldn't remember this at all.

I was able to calm him and swore to him I would save his son or die trying – that helped calm him.

When I got to the first 'Connor', it tried to play with me, but seemed to like me more as a potential vessel.

I didn't even bother listening as I killed the demon he turned into. Navigating my way through this second floating landscape, I was pissy. I didn't want to be here… though if I was really the leader, why hadn't I stepped in and stopped…? Oh – right… never ask someone to do what you aren't willing to do. I suppose I had to come in that case.

The first Connor had been in a bedroom – this second one was in a kitchen of all places. Navigating the fade came easily to me, thank the Goddess.

The second was slightly smarter and managed to get a punch before she died, but the third was a challenge. I actually received a bloodied nose from that one.

When I reached the 'head' desire demon, she spoke to me.

"Very well… no more hiding," I didn't even let her finish as I slit her throat using condensed air from a distance.

Her eyes widened in surprise, but all I could think was that I was glad demons didn't count as living creatures. I still didn't like killing them, but I didn't need to mourn them. Aedan didn't know that yet though, so this would have been double punishment.

I couldn't bury these bodies; I couldn't give them last rites. Aedan sending me when he didn't know that they wouldn't be considered 'living beings' was… Goddess, was he so mad at me that he wanted to damn my soul?

When I woke, I was unsurprised to learn that it had been 3 hours; it had felt like longer in the Fade with all the running around. I stood, looked at Aedan who had a worried look on his face, and said, "It's done. Alistair, love, can you take me to our room? I wish to rest before we head toward Denerim."

I was trying hard not to cry, but I heard my voice crack. Aedan had been so angry at me that… I was lucky, I supposed, that my soul wasn't damned.

Alistair was at my side in moments. We had to walk past the Templars and Mages, and only Irving seemed to know that my presence meant that it was over.

"Forgive me Knight-Commander, First Enchanter… I seem to have a dreadful headache and have need of a rest before my party heads out. It has been wonderful to see you again, please give Cullen… I mean the Knight-Captain my regards," I gave a pained smile. They both gave me a smile and a 'My Lady' as I left.

I didn't end up selling them the stitching recipe.

Alistair held me tightly, "Are you okay?"

I shook my head and sobbed in our bed, "He hates me so much, doesn't he…?"

"No – no he doesn't hate you, love. He could never hate you." Alistair was petting my hair as he muttered soothing words.

"Alistair… you all know how I am with death and… and living creatures. Sending me in there… I can't gather bodies; I can't bury them or give them last rights. If they had been considered living creatures rather than demons what then?"

He flinched, "I didn't even think of that – I doubt anyone else did either. What would have happened if…?"

"I don't know – that's the problem. Would I be damned for my inability to pay my respects to the dead? Alistair… how much does he hate me to do that to me?"

Alistair looked furious, "Will you be okay while I go talk to him? What he did wasn't right – and he damn well knows it now."

"I… I just need to be held for the moment. Please…" I whispered. His arms tightened around me and he kissed my forehead, "Okay, love. How could I deny my wife that?"

I smiled a little – I really loved when he called me that. I drifted off to sleep for the evening.

I came awake suddenly. Alistair and Aedan were having a 'whispered' fight. Alistair was keeping his voice quitter but Aedan couldn't seem to do the same.

"You don't understand, Aedan – you really hurt her. She thinks you hate her now; just because we're together. She thinks you were attempting to damn her soul – you know she has to bury and pray for all living creatures that she kills."

"And she can't do that with things that have no body. So what, Alistair? If she can't bury, then she should be fine, right?"

"No, Aedan – she still needs to bury and pray. Did you know that she is a Priestess? It isn't just a passing thing to her – it's ingrained into her. You are very damn lucky that Demons don't count as living creatures in her religion – they're categorized as manifestations."

"I was angry – I'll admit that. But I don't hate her. Why would she even think that?"

"Aren't you listening? She thinks that you just tried to damn her soul," Lelianas' voice broke in.

"I… I didn't. I just… I was so mad that… I took her in as my sister and she didn't even talk to me about being with Alistair before just jumping into bed with him."

"Love isn't so simple, Aedan. We had talked extensively about so many reasons as to why we shouldn't and what we would do and… I love her, Aedan. It will absolutely kill us both to separate after the Blight. All I want is to deny the throne – make you take it so that I can marry her and run off into the sunset. But she's told me that I have to be king. And so, for the last two weeks, I've been thinking about what I will do when I ascend. I've been making plans on how to better this country when I don't want to rule it at all; not if it means losing her. And if this is how I feel, then how do you think she feels? She was raised in a place where there was no racial stigma that kept people from marrying. How in the void do you think she feels knowing that the point to her ears is what will keep us apart in the future?"

Aedan cleared his throat, "You could always keep her as your mistress – Kings can do that you know…"

"When she deserves so much better? She deserves to be married – to have a whole damn brood of children if that's what she wants. And she deserves for her kids to be legitimate. I was raised as a Bastard to the throne – it isn't pretty Aedan. I was sleeping in the kennels and tending to pigs. And when I turned 10, I was shipped of as an unwanted saddle-sore. She wouldn't do that to her children, but what happens if she… if she dies? Who would step in and care for my children if I couldn't? Not some noble who would see them as unworthy throne grabbers. So what exactly do you think we're feeling at the moment? We both tried to stop this from going this far – I know I resisted more than she did and she admits that. Making love can be quite casual in her home… lands."

Lelianas' voice sounded interested, "How casual?"

A smile could be heard in Alistairs' voice, "Casual enough that she seduced her virgin husband only three days after meeting him. Apparently, they didn't even get married 'unofficially' for the following 3 years. They were still only 'casually' married when she died. They were together for only 4 years in all – she got pregnant rather swiftly with Levi."

"Aren't you worried about having kids in the middle of A Blight then?" Aedan scoffed.

"No – part of being a Warden, Aedan, is our reduced ability to have children. I may never be able to give her that. It's possible, but it's unheard of. All the Wardens I knew that had children got their wives with child before undergoing the Joining. I always wanted a family – and I had contented myself in having the Wardens. Now I'm going to be king – they'll want an heir. I don't want anyone but Ara… at the same time; I also swore to myself that I would never sire a bastard. It isn't a pretty life for a young child to go through. Maker forbid, if I were to sire an illegitimate daughter…"

"You've… thought a lot about this…" Aedan sighed.

"Of course I have – all in the course of the last few weeks when she told me that I would have to be king. I was 10 when I swore I wouldn't sire a bastard. I was 15 when I decided I would only be with a woman if I loved her. I was 18 when I decided that meant I would want to marry the woman I loved and do all that I could to give her everything she desired. I was 19 when I promised myself I would start working hard – climb the ranks to be a Knight-Commander so that I could fulfil those promises. I was 20 when Duncan came for me, only 6 months before Ostagar happened. I was about to take my vows, Aedan – I was on the path to being miserable in hopes of finding a woman I could love. And then – two damn days after I lost the only man who had ever been a father to me, I woke up to meet this wonderful woman. She was sitting on the side of the bed where I was recovering and her red hair… all I could think was that I had died and gone to the Golden City – she was surely a Spirit if I'd ever seen one. I pushed that aside so I could grieve… and then I wasn't sure if you would live and I was worried and pacing and this… this woman just comes up to me and says, you need something to do – I'll keep you occupied. Not my finest moment since my brain did some odd form of twisting and landed in a completely different line of thought."

Leliana was giggling, "Many men do the same, actually."

"Yeah, well – there I was, stammering away and asking her what she meant. She put me on my ass twice before Aedan came out looking healthier than he had after the Joining. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her and I will admit that sparring with her helped. We left that hut and… and Aedan had tried pushing me to speak, but my grief was just so overwhelming that every time I opened my mouth I wanted to cry. She made him back off – like she knew what I was going through. Turns out she did since she had just lost her family. I think I really fell for her though when we encountered those bandits just outside Lothering. She cried for them, dug their graves, gave them last rites… they would have killed us, but she still made sure they had a proper funeral. I found myself rather jealous that… that man shared a bed with her. I know they didn't do anything, but I wanted so badly to find any excuse to put a stop to it."

"That was obvious to all of us, actually," Aedan snorted.

"Do you think it was obvious to her?"

Leliana spoke, "No – she doesn't seem to see just how lovely she is. She doesn't see her own worth. She wouldn't have realized you were jealous over her."

"At least I still have some dignity then. She kissed Cullen at the tower – and the odd thing there is that I wasn't jealous of him. I don't quite understand it, but I would have been jealous of anyone else… but not him. Then you started scolding her for it and I found that I was mad at you for it; until she kissed me. I had a thought to thank you for that. And you both know my thoughts after that."

Leliana giggled, "That we do. What made you finally take the chance with her?"

"Both Aedan and Ara have told me that I could stand to be just a bit more selfish. Ara said it because she wanted me to know that even Kings have wants. She also told me that I shouldn't change myself if I was only doing it because she said it. When you all left us here… Makers' Breath, I was so worried. She didn't wake up for 10 hours. I thought… I thought I'd lost her already and I hadn't even had a chance yet. My heart felt like it had shattered with each hour more that she didn't wake up. I stayed in that bed, just holding her and praying – to the Maker, to the Goddess, and to anyone that would listen. I prayed that is she would just wake up, I'd talk about it with her – I'd… I was terrified and honestly, it was worse than losing Duncan because at least his death wasn't drawn out – there was absolutely no way he survived that. But we didn't even know what was wrong with Ara; why had she fainted, was she dying…? And when her eyes opened, she was fine. She was perfectly alright. She had just forgotten to eat and didn't have the energy to stay awake. It was something so… minor. She was right back to teasing me and sneaking a kiss."

"That sounds more like Zevran than Ara," Aedan said drily. "Yes, well… I was so nervous about trying things with her that I almost botched it right off – telling her that she was mean and asking why she teased me rather than the assassin or Leliana."

A smile graced my lips – he had thought… I was getting all warm and fuzzy listening to this. It was good for my ego.

Leliana was giggling again, "Oh maker – that's adorable. What did she do?"

"Well, that was when I learned just how little she thought of her looks. Zev also walked in and she said something – she actually played me like a lute at that moment. She told the assassin that she was trying to seduce me but that she feared I had higher standards."

Aedan snorted, "I'm sure that went over perfectly."

"It worked for what she intended – I kissed her and asked what she thought would be higher standard than her."

Leliana gasped and said, "Oh that sounds so sweet."

I peaked at them and saw Alistair shake his head, "It was more embarrassing than anything. But my point in all of this is that… I love her, Aedan. And maybe it's too fast for me to say that – Maker knows I haven't said it to her yet – but what I feel for her is far more than friendship. Taking the throne is going to kill me – because it will mean losing the only woman who will ever hold my heart."

I sat up, "I love you too, goof."

All three heads snapped to look at me in horror. Alistair asked, "Just… how long have you been awake?"

I shrugged, "I'd say not that long, but I can't lie… I heard all of it."

Leliana giggled, "Okay then – your turn."