I'll be fine

A whirlwind.

Ever since Remus had awoken on the shack's floor in the early hours of the morning, , everything had passed by in a whirlwind. A blur of colour and voices, and somehow he managed to seat himself in the Great Hall for breakfast. Nothing had changed, no-one knew that Remus' world had turned 180 and inverted itself the night before.

Everything was the same. James was flirting with Evans, Sirius was chatting with Peter, and Severus was…nowhere to be seen. In fact, the Slytherins seemed the same as well. Surely, they should be sending smirks at him, laughing at how miserable he was? But no… they were ignoring him.

Uneasiness settled in his stomach, could Severus have meant every word he said?

Yes!

But he was a Death Eater, surely that was a fundamental sign that Severus wasn't to be trusted? Surely everything Severus had told him had been a lie? Everything they had was a lie? But then why did his heart still leap at the thought of him? Or his stomach still lurch at the memory of his voice?

...And his lips still tingle at the feel of him?

"Rough night, Remus?" Sirius asked, a grimace of sympathy on his face. "Sorry we couldn't be there, but we had to make sure Prongs was pretty enough for his date with Evans!" the boisterous man barked a laugh and avoided the punch James sent at him.

Remus managed a weak smile.

"Does it still hurt?" Peter's curious voice asked, eyes wide in what Remus believed to be excitement. The rat animagus was a confusing and slightly sickening person to know.

"A bit," he admitted, but last night was one of the most painless transformations he had ever experienced. Severus truly had brewed him wolfsbane potion. He almost wished it was a prank just so he could have something substantial to hold against Severus. Because it would be so much easier to hate Severus than to lov…not hate him.

But no, Severus was true to his word. Severus hadn't lied to him, the potion truly was Wolfsbane, and Severus truly did have feelings for him. The sickening feeling in his stomach only strengthened.

"Post," James announced whilst pulling a knut from his pocket to pay the owl. Remus glanced back at his plate consisting of a lone piece of toast. "Oh, someone's sent Mooney a letter!" James crowed, pointing at the standard Hogwarts barn owl perched precariously on the toast rack. "Do you have a secret lover, Mooney?"

And wasn't that a blow to the stomach? Severus could have been his lover, but there was no way the Slytherin would want to see him now. It was clear to him that Severus hadn't been lying - that Severus truly was in love with him. And what did he do? He cast him away with hatred and anger, without letting him have a chance to explain himself.

But how could Severus ever explain how he joined a faction that tortured and killed Muggles? How could he justify the killing of innocent people, regardless of their lack of magic? Didn't Severus say he didn't believe in Muggle extermination?

Why didn't I hear him out then? Severus wouldn't cast his morals aside to join a megalomaniac.

"Remus, open your damn letter!" Sirius cried in exasperation.

The sandy-haired wizard looked up and saw that his three oldest friends were all staring at him in poorly-concealed curiosity and impatience. The werewolf wearily complied, glanced at the writing and promptly felt the little toast he had eaten rise up his throat. Severus. The Slytherin's distinctive calligraphic writing was oh so familiar to him. Remus' heart hurt at the sight of it. The letter wasn't its usual neat and pristine self but instead smudged with fingerprints and what could only be tears.

Remus,

I'm sorry. There is nothing I can say to erase the hurt I unintendedly caused you. At first, I did not tell you my secret because I feared that it would harm our friendship beyond repair. And when I fell in love with you, it only increased the fear tenfold because I couldn't bear losing you. I now realise that it was a mistake and that my reservedness only managed to hurt you further.

I should have told you sooner.

You should know that loving you was never a regret to me. I savoured every second in your presence, and I will now cherish every memory I hold of you. I know that it is not fair on you - to abuse your memory in such a way - but the moment we shared together last night is one that I will forever hold dear to my heart.

You need not worry to see me. Since I have completed my N.E.W.T.S, I am no longer required to be on school grounds. This is also cowardice on my part - I do not believe I could bear seeing your face every day; seeing the betrayal and hurt that I caused.

I am not asking you to forgive me, but you once told me that you understood, and I believe you deserve to know why I did what I did. Professor Slughorn has a phial of my memories for you and has kindly granted permission for use of his pensieve.

Please do not feel forced to view my memories, the choice is yours.

You need not fear that I will contact you again, something I am sure you find abhorrent. I shan't write you again.

Your loyal and devoted servant.

SS.

Disjointed from the world around him, Remus' fingers were clenched white against the parchment, and he felt tears beginning to slip down his face. How could I have done this to him? I have done what his parents and Evans never managed. I broke him.

A rough hand shook at his shoulder, and he glanced up into the worried faces of his friends. "I…" Gasping for breath, he felt his throat clench. What could he tell them? How could they understand that he had ruined the man who loved him? "I've got to go," he whispered, before bolting from the hall.

Slughorn. He needed to find him, he needed to know. He needed to know why Severus chose the Death Eaters. He knew that Severus wasn't capable of the atrocities that the Death Eaters committed, but he didn't let Severus explain, and now…now Severus was gone.

There! The portly Head of Slytherin was waddling toward his classroom. Remus easily sprinted to him. "Sir!" he called, and the jovial Potions Professor was unusually stern-faced as he took in the panting Gryffindor.

"Mr Lupin," the disapproval dripped from the man's tongue, "Severus said that you might show your face," Remus could only nod at the evident dislike coming from the man.

Shifting on his feet, Slughorn withdrew a phial from his robes. "Listen to me, Mr Lupin. Severus is a good boy who has faced too much hurt in his short life. Now, I do not know what occurred between the two of you last night, however, Severus was in a horrible state. The trust he is showing you by allowing you to view his personal memories is astounding, so I swear, by the grace of Magic herself, that if you harm him I will personally show you how easy it is to ingest a potion-laced pumpkin juice."

Swallowing the bile in his throat, Remus reminded himself that Slughorn was a man with many influential connections, and wasn't a man to be ignored. "I won't hurt him," Remus vowed, "I've done it to him already," he stared hard at the man, "I never should have said what I said, and now I've lost him. Severus was the best thing to happen to me, professor, and I just didn't realise it sooner."

Slughorn's face softened slightly. "I do not know what Severus wishes you to know, Mr Lupin. However, it is clear to me that he cares for you and that you care for him in return," the Potions Professor paused, obviously contemplating whether to reveal his next words. "He is currently living with some friends of his before he travels to London to train with Master Warring in September."

"I'll find him," his resolute voice surprised even himself, "To apologise for my actions, to beg for his forgiveness, and to hopefully…begin again."

"And what if you do not like what these memories reveal?"

"Severus is a good man," Remus whispered, "His actions may not show it but I know, deep in my heart, that Severus is a good man. And I," he choked on his words, as tears slid down his face. "And I…should have heard him out before jumping to conclusions."

"Very well," Slughorn stated and gestured the Gryffindor into his office. "The pensieve is just over there, Mr Lupin." he pointed needlessly at the stone basin on his desk. "Do take care."

Remus nodded at the man. "I will, sir. Thank you." The man only faltered a moment at hearing the gratitude in the Gryffindor's voice before leaving the room.

Remus walked shakily towards the desk, and poured the phial into the still fluid, watching avidly as two silvery strands floated lazily around the basin. Steeling himself, Remus closed his eyes and went headfirst into the pensieve.

Immediately, a horrid sensation overtook him. It felt as if his stomach was being twisted into knots, whilst his head was being slammed into a hard surface. However, the pain fled as quickly as it arrived and all that was left was disorientation, which was quickly shaken off.

He was in an expensively, yet tastefully, decorated room. Mahogany panelled walls, high ceilings, tall windows hidden behind heavy emerald drapes, and a magnificent four-poster bed where Remus could see a lump under the duvet. Walking closer, he recognised the black hair strewn across the pillow and saw those familiar onyx eyes open and dark with mistrust.

Remus startled as the door suddenly opened, and a handsome middle-aged man strode into the room and stood at the end of the bed. "I see that you are awake, child," he greeted softly yet Remus could hear the anger underlying his words.

Severus settled himself more comfortably upon the bed and regarded the man with wary eyes. "Who...?" he paused to clear his throat. "Who are you? Where am I? Did you heal me?"

The stranger smiled predatorily at the teenager on the bed, and the unease Remus was feeling only increased tenfold. "Of course I healed you, child! You would have died otherwise!" Remus growled at that sentence, "My name is unnecessary at the moment, though I suppose you could call me Marvolo if you so desire. And we are currently in my ancestral home, Slytherin Manor."

Severus' pale face whitened even further if that was possible. "You are the Dark Lord," he stated matter-of-factly, his limbs tense with the urge to flee. Remus glanced at the man in surprise - wasn't You-Know-Who meant to look like a monster?

The Dark Lord inclined his head in acknowledgment. "My my, you are a smart one, aren't you, child?" the Dark Lord moved closer towards Severus, and sat upon the edge of the bed. "And you're magic," the man paused breathlessly, his teal eyes dark with pleasure. "Your magic is divine, child. Do you know that? It is so dark and breathtaking."

Severus stared solemnly at the man, and Remus recognised Severus' stance as the one he took when trying to hide his emotions. "I do not comprehend."

The Dark Lord rose an eyebrow in dark amusement. "That ritual you attempted, child. It practically called me towards you like a siren song." A thin finger traced the curve of Severus' cheek, "You attempted to heal yourself with a healing ritual, did you not?" Severus gave a sharp nod, the pain evident in his brightened eyes. "I think you know that you were unsuccessful in your endeavour." Another nod came, sharper this time. "You mistakenly placed your dead owl in the wrong circle. Simply put, my dear child, you attempted necromancy. Merlin, your magic was splendid."

Severus did not reply, he only stared at the man with forced neutrality. The Dark Lord smiled at the child's behaviour. "You attend Hogwarts I assume?" Severus nodded an affirmative, "And which House are you in?"

Severus carefully met the Dark Lord's eyes. "Slytherin, sir."

The Dark Lord nodded, an unsurprised expression on his face. "Yes, I did expect that answer. That dead Muggle in your house, I presume he was your father?"

"Yes, sir," Severus answered calmly, yet his eyes were quickly darting around the room for an escape route. The Dark Lord noticed the action and placed a soothing hand on the child's shoulders.

"Do not fear, child," he stated gently, "I do not murder muggleborns; you are safe with me." Surprise flooded Remus' face once more. He didn't kill muggleborns? But wasn't that what the Prophet and Dumbledore have been saying for the past couple of years?

Severus' face clearly spoke of his doubt yet he felt the need to interrupt. "I am a half-blood, sir," the Dark Lord's burning gaze locked onto his - Severus flinched. "My mother was a witch."

"Was she?" the wix murmured softly, "Did she lose her wand? I did not find one in the house."

Severus shook his head, shame and anger painting every word he spoke. "She snapped it," he replied venomously, "For him. He didn't like freaks like us, so she snapped her wand for him!"

Remus felt like his heart was bleeding for the fierce boy on the bed. So much hate and rage for the woman who should have been the person who cared for him the most. So much anger that could have been prevented if only Eileen Prince had protected her son.

An unintelligible hiss escaped the Dark Lord's throat, and he glared at nothing in particular. "Outrageous! A witch belittling herself so lowly for a muggle!"

"I am aware," Severus murmured quietly, "She could have stopped him any time she wanted. She could have stopped him hurting me," the words were a broken whisper by the end, and Remus saw how Severus' lips trembled with the need to cry.

Then, the Dark Lord did something Remus did not expect the man capable of. He gently wrapped his arms around Severus' shaking frame, pressed Severus' face into his shoulder, and whispered softly. "There is no shame in crying, child."

And gods, the pure heartbreak on Severus' face had Remus moving towards him. Futilely, he lifted a hand to run through Severus' hair, but it just went straight through Severus' head.

Sobs tore from Severus' throat, raw and painful, and the Dark Lord tenderly patted the teen on the back.

"It will be fine, child. You are safe here. You are safe with me."

The scene before Remus' eyes faded and warped before another settled itself before him. It was the same room, but this time the curtains had been drawn open; allowing sunlight to illuminate the room. The Dark Lord was not present this time but instead, the newly-married Bellatrix Lestrange was seated cross-legged on the bed beside Severus, and Lucius Malfoy was seated on a small armchair.

"Cheer up, Severus!" the witch declared loudly, whilst poking the wizard in the shoulder. "My Lord is looking after you now. You're under his protection! He's personally mentoring you. How could you be sad?"

Lucius met Severus' eyes over Bellatrix's head, before rolling them in exasperation. "Do calm down, Bellatrix," the blonde instructed, "I am sure Severus is merely nervous. He does not know Our Lord's true aims after all. That is why we are here."

Bellatrix waved the Malfoy away, "Nonsense! I came here to see my friend! My Lord did not ask me to come!"

Severus spared Bellatrix a worried glance. "Does that Dark Lord know you are here, Bella?" he questioned softly.

The witch beamed widely at the boy and nodded her head enthusiastically. "Don't think you are the only person My Lord mentors. There is Rodo, Rab, Lucius and I! And now you! We are to be his newest inner-circle."

"I am not even a Death Eater, Bella. How could I be in his inner-circle!" Severus protested, but Bellatrix just smiled in a rather menacing way.

Lucius, seeing his sister-in-law's expression, attempted to reassure his friend. "That is why the Dark Lord has asked me to explain his aims to you. The Dark Lord is certain that once you hear his plans you will want to join."

Bellatrix nodded her head. "Yes his plans are nothing like the slanderous nonsense the Prophet has been spewing!" she declared vehemently, "And you know I wouldn't devote myself to anyone who had stupid ideas."

Severus chuckled at the statement and he then exclaimed dramatically: "Fine! Indoctrinate me with the Dark Lord's plans!"

Envy shot through Remus at how easily these two could lighten Severus' spirits. It is unreasonable. I do not deserve the right to be jealous! But I dearly hope they are with him now to cheer him up.

"Well let us take the glaringly obvious policy - muggleborns," Lucius began, shifting forward to rest his forearms on his knees. "The Dark Lord despises muggles because of their attitude towards wizards," Lucius spared a pained glance with his friend. "You are living proof of that, Severus," he murmured gently.

The younger wizard smiled sardonically. "Quite."

"The Dark Lord, however, does not hate muggleborns. He hates what they are doing to the wizarding world - destroying our traditions and rituals. Samhain and Yule and the solstices. Halloween and Christmas and Easter are replacing these ancient rituals and it is not right! Magic is suffering without them."

Remus glanced thoughtfully at the blonde. He supposed that it was true. Yule was slowly being forgotten in the midst of Christmas and other muggle celebrations.

"So what does the Dark Lord propose about muggleborns, then?" Severus questioned curiously, "Surely he cannot expect them to just forgo these things they have been accustomed to for eleven years?"

"Magical primary schools, Sev!" Bellatrix declared as if it was obvious. "Most purebloods attend some kind of school before Hogwarts. So, why can't muggleborns and muggle-raised half-bloods be given the same education - plus an introduction to rituals - before they start their first-year? They could have a module about traditions, etiquette, and basic skills like how to write with a quill."

That makes a lot of sense. Remus thought. I know it would have been easier for me if I had learned about magical etiquette before Hogwarts. I accidentally insulted Frank in first year by not bowing to him when we first met!

Severus looked rather dumbfounded. "I agree with the Dark Lord's plans for Muggleborns," he stated incredulously, "I never thought I would say that." Lucius nodded empathetically. "But what about those raids in muggle villages, surely the Dark Lord cannot be this paradigm of virtue if he murders innocent people!"

"Those muggles are not innocent, Sev!" Bella cried; her hazel eyes wide with disgust. "Those are the parents of muggleborns who...who...abused their children!" She declared with some effort. Children were sacred in the wixen world. Magical pregnancies were hard on the witch's body and few children rarely survived infancy, so they were worshipped. Muggles harming their children was tantamount to murder in a wixen's eyes.

"Is..." Severus trailed off and swallowed nervously. "Is that why the Dark Lord was so angry when I awoke?" he questioned quietly. "Was he angry that he hadn't killed my father?"

Hazel and icy-blue eyes darkened at the reminder of Tobias Snape, and they nodded at their friend.

Remus felt like someone had kicked him in the gut. The thought of killing someone turned his stomach, yet the thought of those child-abusers being left alive caused Mooney to howl in outrage. It sickened him to realise that he would fully support the Dark Lord if it meant justice would be served for those poor children.

"Let's not forget magical beings!" Bellatrix declared hotly. "My Lord wishes to end all these prejudices against them." Remus' ears perked up at this. What could the Dark Lord wish to do about magical beings? Didn't he just want to continue the suppression? Didn't he believe in blood supremacy?

"Take the centaurs for example; they are forced to live in the Forbidden Forest yet a hundred years ago they were free to roam the entire country! Or goblins! They've been suppressed for hundreds of years because no-one will end those archaic laws against them having a wand. And what about vampires and werewolves! They are not allowed jobs - for what reason?! Because they were born, or were turned, into a different species? The full moon is only a few days a month anyway, just give them wolfsbane. And give the vampires access to donated blood or set up a system for live donations"

Severus' eyes were open wide at the witch's passionate diatribe, and he surreptitiously inched further away from the fuming woman. Lucius noticed this and hid his smirk behind his hand. "It's slightly more complicated than that, Bellatrix," Lucius began humorously, "Logistically, it will take quite some time to figure out…"

"Pish!" Bella waved Lucius aside. "Right as we speak, a bill is being introduced into Wizengamot to make it illegal to discriminate against vampires and werewolves!"

"It probably won't pass though, Bellatrix," Lucius added with a frown "Even though it definitely has the support of my father, Lord Black, Lord Greengrass, Lord Potter, and Lord Parkinson, there are many influential lords and ladies who will vote against it. I'm afraid they outnumber our side."

Severus stared incredulously at the blonde. "Surely Charlus Potter does not support the Dark Lord? Potter Jr. practically kisses the ground Dumbledore walks on!"

Lucius chuckled at Severus' confusion and then chuckled further when he received a withering glare. "No, no. Charlus Potter does not support the Dark Lord, he just merely agrees with my 'father's'" Lucius mimed speech marks at the mention of Abraxas Malfoy "plans for magical beings."

Severus made a soft noise of understanding.

"So!" Bellatrix declared loudly, her grin slightly maniacal to the wary onlookers. "Will you be a Death Eater, Sev?"

Lucius also added his curious gaze onto Severus, and he rolled his eyes in exasperation. "I will have to discuss it more with you, and do some independent research," he stated then glared when the witch groaned in impatience. "But, from what I have heard, I do believe I will become one, yes."

Bellatrix released a squeal of excitement and smiled widely at Severus, whilst Lucius leaned forward in his chair and gave him a solemn look. "So what else would you like to know, Severus?"

"Well, what are the Dark Lord's views on the Ministry?"Lucius opened his mouth to answer, but Bellatrix was quicker to retort.

"He thinks they're a bunch of incompetent prats!" Bellatrix stated matter-of-factly; ignoring the look of horror on Lucius' face.

"Bellatrix! What would Narcissa say if she heard you speaking like that?!" Lucius questioned; scandalised.

Bellatrix cackled loudly before she straightened her spine and adopted a look of grace. "Narcy would say something like 'Bellatrix, whilst I agree with the sentiment, I must protest at the vulgarity of the language you are using!'"

Remus smiled at Lucius' outraged face, but the sight of Severus - who was smiling fondly at his bickering friends - reminded him of the purpose of these memories. He closed his eyes and stared longingly at the teen.

Within moments. Remus' conflicting emotions and thoughts calmed.

He knew now that Severus the Death Eater and Severus the emotionally-scarred, herb-picking, potion-brewing man were the very same. Severus was a good man, and he would not have thrown his morals away for anyone. Remus should have trusted him.

He also knew that he would follow Severus to the ends of the Earth if needs be because he, Remus John Lupin, was utterly and irrevocably in love with Severus Tobias Snape.

He just needed to convince Severus of this first.

And apologise.