Chapter Ten
Angelica Schuyler
Angelica awoke the next morning, covered in cuts and bruises and pressed tight against Alexander's chest. Even while asleep, Alexander maintained an ironlike grip on Angelica. It seemed that, even in his dreams, Alexander was protecting Angelica from Wilks and the rest of the British soldiers.
She let out a yawn and wrestled against Alexander's grasp.
"Hm?" Alexander jerked awake with a sleepy sound that certainly would not have frightened any British soldier. It would not even have frightened a puppy.
"I need to report to General Washington's headquarters." Angelica reminded him, tapping his arm in the hopes that he would release him. "I need to debrief him on last night's mission."
Her heart faltered at the thought of the previous night's events. She tried to keep her expression neutral, knowing that Alexander was watching her. She wished that she had been stronger the night before. She wished that she had been able to hide what had happened from Alexander. She hoped that he did not now think that she was weak.
"Right now?" Alexander asked, his voice disapproving. "I am sure that General Washington would understand if you wished to wait another day before -"
"Alexander," Angelica cut him off sternly. "The information which I gathered cannot wait another day. I must meet with General Washington."
She did not want to take any more time to nurse the violent memories from the night before. The sting of the cuts, borne from the fabric ripping against her skin the night before, did not ache so badly when she had something else to focus on. She needed to distract herself so that she might better manage the pain.
"Would you like for me to come with you?" Alexander offered, rising to his feet along with Angelica.
Angelica frowned.
He thought that she was too weak to be left alone.
"I will be fine to go alone." Angelica huffed impatiently. She did not want to be treated like she was made of glass. The weaker Alexander perceived her to be, the weaker she felt. "While I am aware that last night was a rather difficult one, I am much stronger than my circumstances would have you think. You do not need to look after me. I am not nearly as weak as you seem to think I am."
Alexander shook his head, frowning. His face was pale.
"I do not think that you are weak, Angelica." He told her. He looked down at his feet. "I think that I am."
"I beg your pardon?" Angelica could not quite figure out why Alexander would say such a thing.
"When you came into the headquarters last night, looking so…" Alexander shook his head, unable to describe the battered state that Angelica had been in the night before. Angelica felt a lump form in her throat. "It nearly killed me to see you like that. I do not believe I am strong enough to see you in such a state again."
Angelica's anger towards him softened. She should have known that Alexander would find some way to be lovely about even such a wretched event.
"I will be fine to cross the camp to the headquarters." She promised him.
"I know." Alexander agreed bashfully. "But you cannot blame me for worrying so."
"I will be back soon." Angelica said.
Alexander nodded, smiling grimly as Angelica turned around to walk in the direction of the headquarters.
Angelica tried not to think about the attack from the night before as she walked along. The sound of footsteps behind her haunted her. Her chest ached with cuts and bruises hidden underneath her shirt. The smell of Wilks' cologne burned her nose.
She quickened her pace. Her head spun. Her breath shortened. Her heart pounded.
By the time she reached the door, she was breathing hard and pinching herself to avoid fainting. She could not understand why she was in such a panic. She knew that she was safe within Washington's camp. She had always been safe within Washington's camp.
"General Schuyler." Washington looked Angelica over cautiously as she entered the headquarters. It was impossible to tell whether he was looking at her in such a way because of the current panic threatening to incapacitate her, or because of the state which he saw her in the night before. "How can I help you?"
John looked at Angelica from his desk, his face set in a frown. That was not in and of itself unusual. John always seemed to frown when Angelica was around.
Angelica gulped down a deep breath before speaking.
"I believe it is customary for those who act in your stead to undergo a debrief following such acts?" She said, trying to keep her voice even.
She was pleased with the confident tone that she achieved.
"Very well." Washington did not seem inclined to argue with Angelica. She was glad of it. "Let us discuss this matter in my office."
Angelica followed Washington into his cramped office. The fireplace roared in the corner of the room. Angelica smiled as the warmth of the room surrounded her. She took a seat in one of the chairs sitting on one side of Washington's desk. Washington took a seat on the other side of the desk. His hands steepled together under his chin as he waited for Angelica to speak.
"I learned that the British have a farm, just outside of Philadelphia." She said, her mind narrowing to just this one task. Her ears were no longer ringing. Her heart was no longer hammering. She was able to breathe again. "They intend to move the animals towards New York as early as next week. I believe that an attack is in order. We must send men to either slaughter the animals, or carry them off for our own benefit."
Washington considered this for a moment, his lips pursed. If he was pleased with the information that Angelica had collected, he did not show it.
"Were you compromised at any point during your mission last night?" He asked.
"No, sir." Angelica replied.
"When you entered this building last night…" Washington did not seem to know how to broach the subject tactfully.
"At no point was I suspected of being anyone other than Anne Powell." Angelica said, her voice leaving no room for argument.
Washington nodded, accepting this.
"I do not suppose you have any pressing desire to become Anne Powell again, do you?" He wondered.
The lump returned to Angelica's throat.
"No, Your Excellency." She agreed with some difficulty. "I would rather not become that person again."
There was a knock on the door before Washington could think of a response to Angelica's earnestness. Both Angelica and Washington turned to look in the direction of the door.
"Yes?" Washington called out, inviting the intruder into the room.
The door opened a crack. John poked his head into the room. His eyes were widened. His frown had been reduced to an open-mouthed stare.
"Yes, Colonel Laurens?" Washington asked impatiently.
"Sir, I think you had better come quick." John said, glancing over his shoulder. "Colonel Hamilton is in the process of killing Major Seabury."
Washington rose from his seat so fast that one of the legs snapped against the wooden floor. Washington swore quietly before storming out of the office. John barely had time to leap out of his way.
Angelica rose out of her chair with only slightly less force than Washington. Her chair did not break. She hurried after Washington, nearly knocking John over in the process. He afforded her a quick glare before following the group outside.
John had not been lying.
Alexander was sitting atop of Samuel. He brought his fist parallel to his shoulder before slamming it into Samuel's face. His knuckles were covered in blood. Samuel's face was covered in blood. The ground beneath them was covered in blood.
"Colonel Hamilton!" Washington roared.
His words did not seem to have any effect on Alexander, not even as Washington approached him. Angelica wondered if Washington would strike him. Certainly, Alexander was risking Washington's reputation by treating a prisoner so coarsely.
"Alexander!" Angelica ran forward, reaching Alexander before Washington did.
She caught his fist in her hand. It was enough to startle him into looking at her. His eyes were wild. His hair was falling out of its usually tidy ponytail.
"Enough, Alexander." She told him sternly. "Enough, now."
Alexander looked down at Samuel. The poor man's face was so puffy and so bloody that one could hardly see his eyes.
Alexander slid off of him. He slumped onto the ground, exhausted.
"Fetch a physician." Washington commanded John.
John hurried off without argument.
Within a few minutes, Eliza hurried towards them. Her brows were knit. Her mouth was scrunched into a tight circle. She was worried.
"What happened?" She asked as she looked from Samuel to Alexander. "Good heavens! Colonel Hamilton, what have you done?"
Alexander looked away, unwilling to answer Eliza's question.
Angelica kept her lips shut, too. She did not want Eliza to know about the events of the previous night. It would only cause her to worry needlessly.
"Colonel Hamilton, you must tell me what you have done to Major Seabury so that I can properly tend to him." Eliza took on the same tone of voice that their mother used. Angelica might have laughed under ordinary circumstances.
"I believe that you know well enough what happened, Miss Schuyler." Alexander replied rather unkindly. He frowned down at his bloodied knuckles. "I made a promise with Major Seabury and I kept my promise."
"If your promise was to kill him, I am afraid that you are no longer a man of your world – only just." Eliza snapped back at Alexander. "Colonel Laurens, please bring him back to the medic's tent. He will need a great deal of care if we are to reduce the swelling anytime soon."
John looked at Eliza indignantly. Eliza stared back at him. After a moment, John caved. He lifted Samuel as indelicately as a sack of flour and threw the poor, bloodied man over his shoulder. Samuel let out a pitiful groan as John started for the medic's tent.
"Now you." Eliza turned to Alexander.
"I am fine." Alexander asserted sulkily.
Eliza placed herself in front of Alexander in spite of his protests. Angelica wondered if Eliza's adoration for Alexander would vanish after this exchange.
"You are not fine." Eliza admonished him. "Look at your knuckles. They are bruised and bleeding and I do not doubt that you have fractured the bone. How do you expect to serve General Washington if you cannot even hold a pen?"
Alexander scowled.
Angelica looked to Washington, hoping that he would not punish Alexander too severely. To her surprise, an expression that resembled sympathy had taken hold of his features.
"I can hold a pen." Alexander grumbled.
"Is that right?" Eliza met Alexander's eyes in an uncharacteristic show of strength. Alexander met her gaze with a petulant stare of his own. He looked ten years younger when he was pouting this way.
Without blinking, Eliza pulled Alexander's index finger back towards her. Alexander let out a cry of pain and jerked his hand away from Eliza's grasp. Eliza looked at him pointedly. Alexander held his hand close to his chest and looked thoroughly offended.
"Come, Colonel Hamilton. I will bandage your hand and we will hope that it heals well enough for you to be able to dance at Captain Burr's wedding." Eliza said, her tone leaving no room for argument.
They both rose to their feet.
Eliza looked at Angelica before they started for the medical tent.
"I will do my best." She promised.
Angelica just nodded, not wanting to confirm that she was worried about Alexander's injured hand in front of such a large audience. She knew how the men talked. They would soon come up with tales about what interest Angelica might have in Alexander's hands.
Instead, she turned to look at Washington.
"Shall we finish our debrief, sir?" She asked, trying to keep her voice steady.
Washington let out a loud sigh.
"Yes." He replied. "We shall."
Alexander Hamilton
Alexander's hand was still broken by the evening of Aaron Burr's wedding. Angelica was constantly teasing him for his foolishness. She would force a laugh for his benefit, in the hopes that he, too, might smile. He rarely did.
Angelica was not as close to him as she once had been. She allowed him to sleep beside her at night, but they rarely did much more than that. She would kiss him occasionally. She never took her clothes off around him. She never took her clothes off around any men. She would make it a point to sneak down to the nearby creek to bathe only when she was certain that there would be no male presence near her.
Alexander knew that she did not feel safe. He did not understand, though, why she did not feel safe with him. He had never done anything to hurt her. He had always been considerate of her. That she did not safe with him made him feel like a failure.
She would not talk about that night. When Alexander mentioned it, she would quickly change the subject. If Alexander pushed the point, she would grow angry and would tell Alexander that it was none of his concern. Alexander had stopped trying to bring it up.
Despite their growing rift, Angelica had agreed to dance with Alexander during Aaron's wedding. Alexander did not allow himself to hope that this meant that she was beginning to return to him. He could not stand to be disappointed again.
Regardless of the reservedness he tried to show when he waited for Angelica outside of the ladies' quarters, he could not deny the way that his heart skipped a beat when she walked out of the quarters. She was the kind of beautiful that made Alexander question her mortality.
"You look beautiful." He told her.
She waved off his compliment, looking slightly embarrassed.
They walked towards the headquarters together. Alexander cast Angelica periodic glances. Angelica kept looking over her shoulder. Once or twice, Alexander looked over his shoulder, too. There was no one behind him. He wished that he could put Angelica at ease. It seemed wrong that he could not help her – he was always perfectly at ease around her.
They reached the headquarters without another word to one another. Alexander wondered if Angelica was comfortable with the silence between them. He certainly was not.
They took their designated seats. John was seated beside Angelica. He frowned in Angelica's direction before nodding at Alexander. Alexander nodded back, unable to muster a warmer greeting for his friend. He glanced at Angelica, hoping that she would give him something – anything – which would assure him that they were all right.
She did not.
"Colonel Hamilton, how do you do?" General Greene sat down beside Alexander with a pleasant smile.
"Hello, General Greene." Alexander nodded as well as he could while seated.
He was pleased that he had been seated beside Greene. Greene was one of Washington's closest advisors – there were rumors that Washington had designated Greene as his successor, should he perish in the course of the war. Alexander had been hoping to impress Greene for some time now.
"I have heard that you are unwell." Greene looked down at Alexander's bandaged hand and crooked a smile. "By god, Hamilton. You look like a young Henry Knox."
Knox had blown off one of his fingers in a hunting accident. Consequently, he always wore a bandage around his left hand.
Alexander did not consider a comparison to Knox to be a particularly kind one.
"Have you met General Schuyler?" He asked, by way of changing the subject.
Angelica turned to look at them, seemingly surprised to hear her own name. She smiled at the sight of Greene. It was not a completely genuine smile, but it was infinitely better than the forced ones that she had been giving everyone else recently.
"Angelica Schuyler." Greene said, seeming to forget about Alexander altogether. He grinned at Angelica as though she was an old friend. She may very well have been. "I had heard that you became a general. You always were a clever girl. You will have to tell me how you managed such a promotion from General Washington."
Angelica let out a small laugh.
"Could you not believe that General Washington recognized my exceptional talent?" She asked.
Greene laughed.
Alexander suddenly felt as though he was invisible.
"Kitty will be delighted to see you again." Greene remarked, glancing across the room at where his wife, Kitty Greene, was charming Washington and Martha. "Will you come over and say hello before the ceremony begins?"
"I would be delighted." Angelica replied.
"Excuse us, Colonel Hamilton." Greene acknowledged Alexander briefly as he and Angelica crossed the room to join Kitty, Washington, and Martha.
A feeling that was not at all foreign to Alexander began to roll around in the pit of his stomach. He looked around the room. Maria Lewis was flirting with General Von Steuben – oblivious to the way that the man eyed every young man who passed them – while her husband laughed at all of her jokes. Lucy Knox was captivating Lafayette and Charles Lee while Peggy and Samuel sulked nearby.
Every wife in the room was engaged in hearty advocacy on behalf of their husbands' careers. Every man lucky enough to have a wife was likely expecting some sort of promotion in the near future.
Alexander returned his stare to the cozy group that consisted of the Washingtons, the Greenes, and Angelica.
He would have done anything to join such a group. If Angelica were his wife, he would have been invited along as a matter of course. Whenever Angelica would make a joke, Washington and Greene would laugh and praise Alexander for his wife's good humor. Alexander would be invited to the inner circle of friends that Washington entertained after office hours. He would be a member of the society he so desperately wished to join.
But Angelica was not his wife. He did not have a wife. There was no one lobbying on his behalf and he certainly could not do so on his own.
"General Schuyler!" One of the men in Angelica's employ – one of the taller, more brutish men – called out across the room, waving in Angelica's direction.
Angelica grinned in their direction – it was a genuine grin, Alexander begrudgingly realized – and waved them over. Even her ghoulish men – who were not properly dressed for the occasion, by the way – were reaping the benefits of knowing an influential woman like Angelica Schuyler.
"It is unlike you to sit alone at a party, Colonel Hamilton." John remarked from one seat over.
Alexander afforded him an unamused frown.
"It appears that the groups in this room were formed before I could contemplate joining one." He replied unhappily.
"It appears that General Schuyler found her group without you." John seemed intent on adding insult to injury. "If you married her, I believe you would have access to every man in this room, no matter how powerful."
Alexander grit his teeth.
"An astute observation, Colonel Laurens." He grumbled.
"Oh, hush now, everyone." Martha departed from the small group that she had been a part of in order to quiet the room. "The ceremony is about to begin!"
Knox took his place at the altar. It seemed that he, of all the ridiculous possible candidates, was going to officiate the wedding. Alexander suspected that Washington had been asked first and had refused.
Angelica hurried back to her seat. She cast Alexander a hasty smile before focusing on Aaron, who took his place on Knox's right.
They all watched in silence as Theodosia walked down the aisle in a pretty yellow dress. She kept her eyes downcast. It was an appropriate gesture, meant to signify that she did not relish the attention which was placed squarely on her narrow shoulders. When she looked up at Aaron, though, all of her shyness vanished. Her entire face lit up. She looked very much in love.
Alexander dared to look at Angelica. He did not know what he hoped to find - perhaps some indication that she might like to be the center of a similar event someday, or perhaps even a nostalgic smile for the love that she and Alexander had once shared.
He did not find anything of the sort. Instead, she looked almost bored. She was scratching at her wrist and glancing around the room every few seconds.
The ceremony did not last very long. Both Aaron and Theodosia rushed through their vows, each of them smiling at one another as though they were alone. When they were declared married, there was polite applause, then the low rumble of chatter. Everyone rose from their seats in search of the wonderful food that had been provided for the occasion.
"Shall we dance, Colonel Hamilton?" Angelica finally took notice of Alexander. "I fear that my men will soon ask me if you do not."
Alexander nodded his assent. He did not know if Angelica asked him because she wanted to dance with him, or because she felt obligated to. He never used to question Angelica's motives this way. He used to know that Angelica wanted him completely.
They began to move through the steps of the dance. Angelica's hands traced along Alexander's hands. Her touch still made Alexander's skin burn. He wished that he could lose interest in her the way that she seemed to be losing interest in him.
"Do you know that Peggy and General Lafayette are talking again?" Angelica began conversationally.
They never used to have to start conversations. They would simply begin talking at the beginning of the day and fall asleep talking at the end of the day. Lately, it seemed that they had nothing to talk about. Angelica would not discuss the events which led up to her new behavior, nor would she discuss her new behavior. Alexander could think of nothing else.
"Are they?" He asked, mostly to keep Angelica talking.
He hoped that if they spoke long enough, they could return to the way that they were. Angelica would get that look in her eye that made Alexander want to follow her to the ends of the earth and Alexander would make her laugh with clever responses to all of her statements.
"Yes," Angelica looked in the direction of Lafayette and Peggy. They were dancing together across the ballroom floor. "Apparently, General Lafayette made a fool out of himself waiting outside of her quarters all night until she would finally listen to him. Then, he told her that he loved her but could not divorce his wife. He said that he could not do such a thing with a young son between them."
"Hm." Alexander could imagine the scene well. He wondered if Angelica would be moved by such a profession of love. "What did Peggy have to say to that?"
"What do you think she said?" Angelica replied with a tired smile. It was exhausting her to pretend to be in such good humor. Alexander remembered when Angelica could be pleasant without exerting any effort at all. "She told him that they could have sons of their own if he would only marry her."
Alexander chuckled. It sounded artificial to his own ears. He knew that Angelica, too, would realize that he was putting on just as much of a show as she was.
"I assume that General Lafayette was horrified." He said.
"Yes, and rightly so." Angelica agreed. "And it is just as well. My silly sister told me that she would not love him nearly as much if he had been willing to leave his son for her."
"And so they end where they began." Alexander surmised. "I suppose there is no hope that another suitor will catch her eye."
"No," Angelica agreed. She stared at Alexander with a strange look. "I fear it will only be him for her."
The song ended. Alexander bowed. Angelica curtsied.
"General Schuyler, you better have saved one of those dances for me." One of Angelica's men approached them with a surly, if not impertinent, smile.
Alexander looked to Angelica. She nodded her consent to this change. Alexander nodded to the man before looking around for a partner of his own.
"I will dance with you, Colonel Hamilton." Eliza had been nearby during the exchange. She approached Alexander with a genuine smile.
It was a reminder of what Angelica's smile had once looked like. It was not nearly as good as the real thing, but it was just enough to make Alexander's heart skip a beat.
"I would be honored, Miss Schuyler." He said.
Eliza turned her pretty smile to Angelica. Angelica smiled back dutifully. Alexander wanted to shake her and demand to know what the hell was wrong with her.
The music began.
Alexander took Eliza's hand in his. His skin did not burn the way that it did when he touched Angelica. He glanced hopelessly in her direction. She was talking to the man whom she was dancing with. Her smile had grown a bit more genuine, but was nowhere near what it had once been.
"How is your hand, Colonel Hamilton?" Eliza asked, redirecting Alexander's attention.
There was a hint of playfulness in her voice. Alexander could not remember the last time that Angelica had been playful towards him.
"It is very well. Thank you, Miss Schuyler." He replied without any sort of humor.
"Oh, dear." Eliza said as though it was a bad thing.
"Should I be worse?" Alexander could not resist asking.
"No," Eliza replied, tilting her head slightly. "But you and my sister have been so grim these past few days that I had been hoping it had something to do with your hand."
Alexander frowned. If Eliza had noticed the rift between himself and Angelica, everyone else likely had, too.
"I do not know what you mean." He tried to say.
"You are frowning as you speak!" Eliza pointed out his obvious lie. "I have asked my sister, but she will not supply me with any more answers than you have. Is there something wrong? Are we going to lose the war?"
"I do not know if we will win the war or not." Alexander replied, trying not to frown. "But I imagine we are closer to winning it than we once were largely thanks to the efforts of your sister."
"Then pray tell, why are you both so unhappy?" Eliza was not satisfied with Alexander's answers. Alexander could not blame her. He, too, wanted to know why they were so unhappy.
"Let us talk of more pleasant things, Miss Schuyler." Alexander advised her.
"Has my sister refused a marriage proposal?" Eliza was undeterred.
Alexander recognized the look on her face. It was curious and just a little bit pained. He had always known that Eliza was friendlier with him than she was with most other men at camp, but he had assumed that she had come to view him as an older brother, as Peggy had. He had not imagined that another Schuyler sister might consider him worthwhile.
"I have not proposed to your sister." Alexander lied.
He did not know if the lie was to preserve Angelica's privacy or his dignity.
"It is a shame." Eliza said, looking Alexander over with the same slightly wounded look. Her mouth curved into a small, hesitant smile. "I think you are the one man in the world whom she would say yes to."
Alexander forced himself to maintain his composure as the song ended. Eliza curtsied. He bowed.
Eliza moved on to dance with Aaron while Alexander danced with Theodosia. They exchanged banal pleasantries. Alexander could not take his eyes off of Angelica. She did not look any happier dancing with any others than she had with him. This did not provide him with much comfort.
After dancing with Theodosia, he danced with Peggy. She told him all about her relationship with Lafayette and asked prying questions about Alexander's friendship with Angelica. Like Eliza, she wanted to know why her sister was behaving so differently. Alexander could not provide her with a suitable explanation.
Alexander danced with Angelica one or two more times before the celebration ended. Each dance felt more impersonal than the one before it. By the end of the evening, Angelica seemed like a lovely stranger whom Alexander had never met.
When the celebration came to an end, everyone begin walking in the direction of their quarters.
"I must change." Angelica said as she and Alexander moved towards the door. "Will you wait outside of the quarters for me?"
A month ago, Angelica would not have cared for getting changed in the ladies' quarters. She would have wandered down to the area which they had designated for themselves, just outside of the tents allocated to her men, and changed right in front of Alexander. She would not have given one care for her modesty.
Alexander nodded, trying to mask his disappointment.
Angelica forced a smile that was much too eager.
She hurried inside, followed by her sisters. Alexander looked around, no longer caring if anyone saw him waiting for Angelica. There was nothing to hide between himself and Angelica - not anymore. Their relationship had morphed into a platonic one quite without his consent.
Once she came outside, she was dressed in her usual uniform. Alexander tried to muster a smile for her. Judging from the watery smile she cast him in return, he had failed.
"That was quite some party." Angelica commented politely as they walked towards their designated sleeping spots.
"Yes." Alexander agreed. "Although I could have done with a bit more food than was provided."
"We will have more food soon." Angelica remarked, staring straight ahead. "Once we…well. I do not think we will suffer from hunger for much longer."
Alexander knew that she and Washington were coordinating an attack on the British. The attack was predicated upon the information that Angelica had collected during her ill-fated espionage mission.
They both looked down at the ground. Angelica did not seem to know how to talk about that night. Alexander did not know how to, either. He was afraid that any effort he made to do so would upset Angelica so badly that things would get even worse between them.
"The weather will turn cold soon." Alexander changed the subject, instead. "We will have to seek out new quarters for ourselves."
Angelica nodded thoughtfully.
"Will you sleep in the headquarters, like the rest of General Washington's aides?" She asked.
"I do not yet know." Alexander replied.
He had requested private quarters at the camp before this one. The private quarters had benefitted him greatly, as it allowed him to meet with Angelica in private. Now, he was no longer sure that he would receive such visits from Angelica.
"I suppose there are not so many quarters to be had around here." Angelica made allowances for him already. Despite the change in their relationship, she could still read his mind. "You might have little choice."
"I suppose you will have to reside in the ladies' quarters." Alexander remarked.
"Yes." Angelica agreed with a small frown. "I suppose that I will."
They reached the spot which they slept upon. Alexander did not feel tired. He moved to start a fire. If Angelica wanted to go straight to sleep, she did not show it. She sat upon a nearby log and watched Alexander fuss with the kindling.
Once the fire was started, Alexander sat beside Angelica on the log. Their thighs were touching, but Alexander felt as though he may as well be a mile away from Angelica. There was something in her eyes that made him feel unwelcome. He could not figure out how to get past that look.
"Did you notice," He said, knowing that he was starting something which he could never undo. "That the married men did much better tonight than the unmarried ones?"
Angelica looked to him, surprised.
"What do you mean?" She asked.
She was giving him the chance to change course. Like a fool, Alexander did not accept it.
"Every man who found himself attached to a charming woman was given access to the most powerful men in the room. The men who were so unfortunate as to come alone were not." He replied matter-of-factly.
"Are you angry with me for not serving as a tool for your upward mobility?" Angelica demanded in a clipped tone. "I believe, Alexander, that I have been used as a weapon for and against men enough for one lifetime. You will forgive me for not volunteering myself up for the same use from you."
"I must get married before the war is over. Surely you must know that." Alexander did not acknowledge Angelica's objection. He did not want to validate her argument.
Angelica looked at him, taken aback.
"I suppose that is your choice." She finally said.
"You are my choice." Alexander replied firmly. "If you will have me."
Angelica shook her head. She turned to meet Alexander's eyes.
"I will not." She whispered.
Alexander had known that she would say that. He wished that she had not.
"Angelica," He tried to appeal to her one last time. "Am I really not enough of an adventure for you?"
Angelica looked straight into his eyes. There was something within them that made Alexander squirm.
"Would being nothing more than my husband be enough for you?" She asked.
Alexander did not have to consider this for too long.
"No." He replied.
He loved Angelica. God, he loved Angelica. But he could not imagine a life in which he did not pursue a career. He could not imagine laying his ambition aside just for the pleasure of calling Angelica his wife.
He needed a career. He needed a future.
He needed them only slightly more than he needed Angelica.
"There we are." Angelica said.
Her tone was soft, but her words were loud.
"There we are." Alexander echoed.
The thing they had been working so hard to keep alive had finally died. Alexander would have to find someone else to marry. He knew that he would never love anyone the way that he loved Angelica; to lose her was to consign himself to a life without love.
"I do love you." Angelica said, as though she were intent on inflicting as much pain upon him as she could in these final moments. "If that counts for anything."
Alexander nodded.
"I will always love you." He mumbled. He did not have the strength to meet Angelica's eyes as he spoke.
They were quiet for a moment, both of them watching the crackling fire before them. Alexander knew that they were both waiting for the other to get up - they would not truly be over until one of them walked away.
"I will sleep in the headquarters tonight." Alexander forced himself to be brave for Angelica's sake. "Goodnight, Angelica."
Angelica nodded as Alexander rose to his feet and started for the headquarters. She did not seem able to say anything back to him.
Alexander walked towards the quarters in miserable silence. Each step he took threatened to bring him to tears. He could not believe what he had just done. He had always known that Angelica would not marry him, but he had imagined that they would find a way to work around that. Now, he had lost Angelica. He would have to continue to search for a wife, knowing perfectly well that he would never love another person the way that he loved Angelica.
Washington was working when Alexander stepped through the door of the headquarters. He was still in his dress uniform, hunched over a map with a quill in hand. He looked up at Alexander in surprise.
"Good evening, Colonel Hamilton." He said. "What brings you here?"
"I am going to sleep here tonight, Your Excellency, if that is agreeable." Alexander replied.
He wished that Washington had been asleep. He did not want to entertain this particular conversation with Washington.
Washington sat up a bit straighter, looking Alexander over critically.
"I thought that you took your sleep beside General Schuyler in the field?" He inquired.
Alexander did not want to know how Washington had come to know this particular piece of information.
"Uh…" Alexander scratched the back of his head, struggling to come up with an explanation which would not reveal the inappropriate nature of their former relationship. "I believe that General Schuyler is not as agreeable to my company as she once was."
Washington nodded, seeming to understand the true meaning behind Alexander's words.
"I am sorry to hear that." He said. "There is an extra coat in the blue room."
"Thank you, sir." Alexander said, bowing to Washington before hurrying off to retrieve a cot.
Angelica Schuyler
Angelica had not dared to look up when Alexander walked away. She did not want him to see her cry.
Part of her wanted to scream, Why? Why have you done this to me?
The other part knew why.
Something within her had broken the night that she had performed her last intelligence mission. Alexander did not deserve a broken woman. He deserved someone who was whole.
As Alexander's footsteps disappeared into the night, Angelica heard the tents behind her unzip. She did not turn around. She should have known that her nosy men would be listening in to the conversation.
Stephen, Bradley and Samuel were the first to throw themselves upon Angelica. They wrapped their arms around her and made her feel as though she was covered by the most warm, the most safe, and the most lovely blanket. She melted into their arms without resistance. Tears flowed from her eyes. She did not resist them.
Lawrence and Augie joined them, wrapping the whole group up in their burly arms.
William sat beside the group, looking too uncomfortable to join in while still wishing to be a part of the proceedings.
"I never liked Colonel Hamilton for you." Augie said after a moment, his voice gruff. "He was too…handsome. Not a scar on him, or a hair out of place."
Angelica let out a watery laugh.
"I have never turned down a man for being too handsome." She said.
Alexander was the most handsome man she had ever loved. He was the most handsome man she would ever love. He was not handsome in the ridiculous way that Augie tried to paint him as, though. He was handsome because Angelica saw him for who he was. He was handsome because he was good.
"You will be better off without him." Samuel assured Angelica with no conviction.
The rest of the men murmured similar sentiments, seemingly in the hopes of encouraging Angelica.
She listened to them without arguments.
She knew that they were not at all true.
Alexander Hamilton
Theodosia was packed into a carriage and sent back to New York the following morning. Alexander stood dutifully beside Aaron as they watched her depart. He ignored the curious looks he received from John. John had noticed Alexander sleeping in the headquarters that morning and was expecting some sort of explanation. It was an expectation that Alexander was most eager to disappoint.
Angelica stood across the way. She was flanked by her sisters. It was new, being separated during such an event. Usually, Angelica would find some excuse to sidle up to Alexander and whisper a snarky comment in his ear. It made these episodes infinitely more entertaining.
Alexander noted that Angelica looked tired. He wondered if she had slept well the night before. She had had trouble sleeping since her last intelligence mission. Alexander had hoped that his absence would improve her sleep. He watched as she yawned and turned her head away from the proceedings.
Afterwards, Angelica ran off to train her beloved men. They rallied around her like bodyguards. Alexander feared that he would lose his life if he dared try to speak to her without their consent. Instead of trying, he turned and walked towards the headquarters.
He did the work which was laid out for him by Washington without a word of complaint.
Lunch time came and went. Alexander worked through it. He had no interest in sipping tea and exchanging pleasantries with anyone.
"What is the matter with you?" John finally demanded as the day drew to a close.
Alexander glanced at the clock on the wall with a pained expression. Dinner would come soon. While lunch was optional, dinner was mandatory. It would be the first meal he was forced to sit through with Angelica since their talk the night before.
"I cannot imagine what you mean." Alexander murmured, returning his attention back to his work.
"You have been moping about all day. You did not even object when Washington assigned you letters to write to Mr. Jefferson. You abhor Mr. Jefferson." John replied.
"I apologize for my lack of impropriety in front of General Washington. I will endeavor to protest to more of my assignments if it would please you." Alexander retorted sarcastically.
John rolled his eyes.
"You can dance around the subject all you like, but I know that something is wrong. I suspect it has to do with General Schuyler." He said.
Alexander sighed and scrubbed his eyes. Hearing Angelica's name - even the formal version of it - stung like a wasp.
"You are free to draw whichever conclusions you like." He managed to say.
"Has she refused you?" John persisted. "I cannot believe that she has not refused you before. That woman is as likely to take a husband as I am to fly."
Alexander's eyes narrowed.
"It is time for dinner." He changed the subject to avoid discussing Angelica any more. "Let us go to the ladies' quarters to see what they have prepared for us this evening."
Angelica Schuyler
It took Angelica only two minutes of sitting at the dinner table to realize that Alexander was not just her best friend at camp - he was her only friend. Without him, and without her men - who were never invited to dinner with Washington's 'family' of offices - she found that she did not have anyone left to talk to.
Eliza talked to Maria and her husband. Angelica did not know when they had become friends. Eliza was laughing at one of Maria's jokes while Maria smiled good-naturedly. Her husband seemed content to be sandwiched between the two of them.
Peggy and Lafayette were in a world of their own, impenetrable by all. Angelica watched as they shared pointed looks and secret jokes that only they could understand.
Washington, Alexander, and John were pretending to listen to Charles Lee, who was discussing dog breeding and lineages. Charles flailed his arms about in wild gestures while Washington nodded dutifully and John stifled a yawn. Alexander stared blankly in Charles' direction, not bothering to contribute to a subject that Angelica knew he did not know anything about.
Martha Washington was entertaining Aaron with ideas for where he might find a suitable home for himself and Theodosia once the war ended. They were discussing the best cities in the colonies. Aaron was trying to decide between New York and Richmond.
Angelica felt quite disconnected from everyone there. She could not seem to break into any of the conversations. She ate her dinner in silence, only glancing up when she heard a new peal of laughter break from one of the groups.
"Oh, Colonel Hamilton!" Eliza called to Alexander, breaking from her conversation with Maria to smile at Alexander with unconcealed affection. "Would you please tell Mrs. Reynolds the joke that you told me at Captain Burr's wedding? I cannot remember how you phrased it, but I nearly laughed until I cried."
Angelica wondered when Alexander had found the time to tell Eliza a joke at the wedding. That dastardly night. Had he been joking with her younger sister while contemplating the necessity of breaking Angelica's heart?
"Oh." Alexander's face reddened. He glanced at Angelica for a split second before returning his attention to Eliza. "Let's see, ah…"
Angelica did not pay attention as he recited the joke. She had no interest in hearing one of his jokes. Instead, she watched Eliza's face.
Eliza was watching Alexander with wide eyes, her lips slightly parted. She seemed to light up whenever Alexander's eyes fell on her. Her cheeks were flushed. She laughed with delight as Alexander reached the end of his joke.
Angelica had always known that Eliza was somewhat infatuated with Alexander, but she had not realized that Eliza's infatuation had progressed into something stronger. She had not realized that she was no longer the only Schuyler sister who was desperately in love with Alexander.
Unlike Angelica, Eliza would be a good match for Alexander. She was proper. She wanted to get married. She would love little more than to enjoy a life spent as a politician's wife. She could introduce Alexander to all of the highest members of New York society without expecting any recognition for herself. She could give Alexander a home to entertain in. She could give Alexander children.
Angelica pushed her plate away from her, towards the center of the table. The movement drew everyone's eyes to her. Eliza looked at her, worried. Alexander looked at her, his gaze analytical.
Eliza would be wondering yet again why Angelica was behaving strangely. Alexander would be wondering what he could do to 'fix' her.
"I believe I am quite full." She remarked.
"Yes, quite." Washington agreed, appeasing Martha with a kind smile. "I believe that we have all eaten our fill."
"I believe I will get some rest for the night, if you will all excuse me." Angelica nodded as everyone rose from their own seats at the table. She walked out of the headquarters without looking at either Alexander or Eliza again.
She did not make it to her allocated spot without harassment. She took four steps towards the field before Alexander was charging after her.
"Angelica." He caught the crook of her elbow when he caught up with her. Angelica flinched at his touch. She did not miss the way that his face changed when he saw her flinch. He faltered to regain his good nature. "I…ah…dinner tonight was…rather uncomfortable, was it not?"
"I cannot pretend to know what you mean." Angelica sniffed.
She did not want to rehash their conversation from the night before. She did not want to return to the place that they had been before the talk - pretending not to know that their relationship would be doomed the moment one of them dared to want more than the other was willing to give.
"I know that we are in a difficult place at the moment, but can we not even talk?" Alexander wondered, his mouth curving into a frown.
Angelica let out a sigh.
"Yes." She said at last. "I suppose we can talk."
Alexander nodded.
"Thank you." He said with an earnestness that nearly broke Angelica's heart.
They walked for a moment, neither of them daring to say a word despite their agreement to talk. Angelica took a deep breath before summoning the courage to say the words that she sincerely wished she did not have to.
"It seems that Eliza likes you." She did not have the strength to look at Alexander when she said this.
"Both of your sisters are very pleasant to be around." Alexander replied, not seeming to understand what Angelica meant. "There must have been something in the water in the Schuyler home."
"No, Alexander." Angelica stopped walking. She turned to face Alexander, forcing herself to meet his eyes. "I believe that she is in love with you?"
"What?" Alexander's brows furrowed.
Angelica's words seemed to have startled him. Angelica was glad. It would have broken her heart if he had already known.
"I know my sister well." Angelica sighed, glancing up the hill in the direction of the headquarters. Eliza was likely still there, helping Martha clear the dinner and thinking of Alexander all the while. "She is very shy, especially with men. I have never seen her look at another man the way that she looks at you."
"Angelica, that is not…" Alexander spluttered, struggling for a response to Angelica's statement. "She is your sister. I could not consider such a thing."
"You should." Angelica advised him quite against her wishes. "I believe that she would be good for you. She wants the same things that you want. You could make one another happy."
She knew that Eliza could make Alexander happier than she could.
"I think that I had better say goodnight to you." Alexander's brows were still furrowed. He was offended by Angelica's suggestion. "Goodnight, Angelica."
Angelica nodded. Relief bloomed in her chest. She wished that she was selfless enough to want Eliza to have Alexander.
"Goodnight, Alexander."