TEDDY
It's a chaotic morning. I run from one side to the other getting my things for work ready and making some calls while trying to get dressed, dress my children and at the same time prepare their lunch boxes. Allison is throwing a tantrum because she can't find her red shoes and Henry doesn't want to eat his breakfast because he doesn't want to go back to school after a week at home with the flu.
"Honey, you have to go to school!" I beg Henry as I put him his sweater on.
"Mommy, I don't want to go back to that school. Can we find another one?" He says, with a pout that breaks my heart. Henry's social development has been very slow, he is very shy and has trouble fitting in and opening up in front of large crowds or in front of strangers. He suffers from anxiety and the bullying that he sometimes receives from children at school because of his hearing aid device and his glasses don't help his self-confidence at all.
I've lost count of how many times I've gone to talk with the directors to take action on the bullying issue, but they just don't do anything and that terrifies and angers me. I'm seriously considering educating him at home, but according to his psychologist that wouldn't help his social development at all. I'm so lost, I just want the best for him.
"It's the only school that there is, love. But soon you will go to another one, a big boy school, meanwhile I promise you I'll talk to your teachers, okay?"
He nods slowly, but I can see the fear in his eyes and that makes me want to cry. I hug my baby boy tightly and give him a kiss on the head.
"If someone comes after him I will hit them!" Allison says, coming out of her bedroom with her red shoes.
"You are not going to hit anyone!" I tell her, warningly.
"I will if they bother my brother!" She fights back.
"You won't! Allison... I'm serious".
"Okay". She says, crossing her arms over her chest, but deep down I'm sure she will indeed fight whoever hurts her brother, as always.
"Now please, eat your breakfast while I dress for work. I want those plates empty when I return. Understood?"
"Yes, mommy!" They answer me, in unison. I run to my bedroom to take off my pajamas and get dressed for work. Before closing the door I hear Allison whisper to Henry not to be afraid that she will protect him. I roll my eyes and sigh. I think that means I'll soon be called by directors because Allison pushed some child. It bothers me that for that they do pay attention, but not for the bullying that my sweet boy gets. I'll have to take extreme measures and speak directly with the parents of those children.
I manage to take the kids to school and get to work just in time. I run to my office to start my day when I meet Conrad waiting for me there.
"Honey, what are you doing here?!" I ask, greeting him with a kiss on the cheek.
"I've come to make you a proposal".
"A proposal? What about?"
"I want to propose to you going on vacation".
I can't help snort. "Vacation? What the hell is that?"
"Oh Teddy, come on! When was the last time you went on vacation?"
"We went to Berlin four months ago; don't you remember?"
"It was a work trip, that you took the children and me to take care of them was different".
I sigh, letting myself fall in my seat. "Conrad, I don't have time for vacations, the children are in school, I've tons of work and so have you. Besides, you know how Henry gets with crowds and strangers".
"I'm not saying to go tomorrow. Let's go next month, we celebrate the kids' birthday and Christmas. What do you say?"
"I don't know... Where do you plan to go?"
"Orlando".
I laugh. "What?! Are you crazy?! I thought it would be some place closer, I don't know, Switzerland for example".
"Aren't you tired of the freezing cold weather? Let's go to Orlando, the beach is close, plus the sun, Disneyland, the kids will love Disneyland".
"Ooooh no, no, no, no! I won't take Henry to Disneyland. What do you want? That he has an anxiety attack right there?"
He reaches out his hand across my desk to take my hand. "Honey, remember what Dr. Henderson said, he needs to face his fears".
"I know, Conrad, but... he is so small and he needs me, you should've seen him the other day we went to see the pediatrician, he cried hiding his face in my chest because he was scared of the crowd in the waiting room. I don't know what else to do to help him, the therapies seem not to work and I... I'm so scared, I hate to see my little boy like that".
"I understand, sweetheart, but have faith that he will come out of this, just remember all the long way he has gone since he was born, he will do it again, he is a warrior, just like his mom".
I smile sweetly. "I'll think about the vacations, but I don't promise anything".
"Ok, but think about it, it will be good for the children and for you, who knows and maybe you can meet a hot hunk over there". He tells me, giving me a wink.
I laugh out loud. "If I don't have time for vacation much less for a man. Men are completely ruled out of my list".
"Come on, Teddy! Don't tell me you don't need... you know, some affection".
"Honey, I've so much work that when I get home after helping my children with homework, giving them dinner, bathing them and putting them down to sleep all I want to do is sleep too, so no, the last thing in my head is... affection".
He leans forward to whisper to me. "Tell me, when was the last time you had sex?"
"CONRAD! I'm not going to answer that, it's none of your business!"
"I tell you all about my sex life, it's normal between best friends!" I evade his gaze and try to distract myself with the papers on my desk, I don't want to answer when was the last time I was with a man. "OH MY GOD, THEODORA ALTMAN!"
"What!"
"Don't tell me that the last time you had sex was with... you know, the unmentionable". He whispers, amazed.
"Yes, yes! That was the last time. Are you happy?!"
He looks at me grimacing. "God, 5 years, how—?
"Almost five years!" I correct him.
"Five, almost five, whatever, it's been more than a year. You're practically a virgin again. If I wasn't so gay, I'd deflower you as a favor".
"Oh my God, Conrad, just shut up!" I say, pretending to be angry, but chuckling.
"But really, honey, don't you really feel the need for someone at your side? You know, someone who wakes you up with a kiss in the morning, who gives you flowers, who makes love to you so wildly that you fear to be left in a wheelchair".
I can't help laugh out loud until my laughter disappears and I look at Conrad thoughtfully. "Of course I need that, I'm human, I'm a woman with needs, I'm still young, of course I need love and sex... but I'm not lying when I say I don't have time or energy, although on the other hand... I don't know if I'll be able to trust in another man enough to open my heart to him".
"Honey, don't let a bad experience of your past ruin your future. You don't deserve it, after everything you've been through, you deserve the world, nothing less. Also, casual sex is always there and I can take care of the children for one night. Have you heard of Tinder?"
"You're impossible!" I say, laughing.
"Do you know what you really need? Besides the obviously passionate fling of course".
"What".
"A makeover. Have you ever thought about dying your hair?"
"Hmm, now that you say it, that does interest me".
"Short hair, a bob"
"Brunette".
"And bangs!" We smile widely. He gets up from his chair and takes his cell phone out of the pocket of his white lab coat. "Don't worry, I'll take care of that. You'll look so sexy that if you're lucky you'll make me straight".
The next weekend Conrad takes me to a spa day, according to him I was working too much on my role as head of MedCom as well as my roles as a mom and best friend, so I needed some time for myself. Leila, one of the nurses who treated Allison and Henry when they were in NICU and who had become a great friend to me, offered to take care of them and so Conrad and I went to our spa day.
Full body massage, masks, manicure, pedicure, hair dyeing and cutting. I left the place feeling renewed. It was strange for me to look in the mirror after my makeover, short, brown hair with bangs, all my life I had blonde hair and more or less long so it was like seeing another person, although in a way I'm another person, the years and the pain have changed me, but also the joys, the joy of seeing my children grow every day, the joy of loving them every day has changed me for the better so this small change of look is just the cherry on the top.
The next few days consisted on Conrad trying to persuade me to go on vacation and find someone to have casual sex. In the first he was succeeding, especially when Allison joined him, in the second... not that much, but he managed to intrigue me so who knows, maybe I'll take his advice. A little fun doesn't hurt anyone; it's not like I'm getting married. Just in case I downloaded Tinder on my cell phone.
OWEN
I'm at Heathrow airport in London, hoping to board my flight to New York and then take the next flight that would take me to Seattle; I don't know if I want to go back to Seattle, although I don't know if I want to stay here in London either, here or there my life will be just as miserable and empty, but Megan and my mother insisted so much that a change of air would be good to clear my mind and I was high in my rush of "wanting help" that I couldn't refuse so I just went to the airport and bought a plane ticket, I didn't care about the destination and that's how I ended up in London for almost a month.
The boarding room and the airport in general is chaotic. It's December 30, everyone wants to be in their destinations to celebrate New Year, I look around me, hundreds of people equally or more tired than me waiting for their flights; Rome, Dublin, Paris, Toronto, New York, Frankfurt... Frankfurt.
Almost five years ago I was in Frankfurt, and then in Landstuhl when I went knocking at her door in the middle of the night and she, even before opening the door or knowing who it was, answered with her sassiness, "keep your pants on". I can't help smiling when I remember that night and how her face went from amazement to happiness in a matter of seconds, throwing herself into my arms and standing on her tiptoes to wrap her slender arms around my neck while I buried my face in her neck and inhaled that smell so familiar and now so missed.
Almost five years ago of that night, almost five years without knowing anything about her, all I know is that she is still the Chief of MedCom and that's because occasionally I still look for news in google or check my army email to know about the latest army news, she's still the chief, which means that she is still living in Germany, but I don't know if she is ok, I want to think she is, I want to think that she managed to keep going after the stupid thing I did that night. Is she with someone? I don't know why, but thinking about her with someone else causes me great anxiety, although I've no right.
I take the book I've been "reading" for the last two months. This trip was supposed to make me forget, but it just made me miss her more, miss her, Teddy. In all these years there has not been a single day in which I didn't think about her, I was stupid, she was the only one who was always there for me and I took her for granted. Beth, Cristina and Amelia came and left, but none of them left a gap in me like the one Teddy left.
I try to concentrate on what I'm reading, but it's useless. I close the book and I better take out my headphones to listen to some music. I hope the music makes me feel something, at least sadness. I scan the waiting room with my eyes, dozens of people, dozens of families, suddenly something catches my attention.
No, it can't be. I rub my eyes to see better, sure the fatigue is playing ticks with my mind making me see just what I want to see. I get up from my seat and take a couple steps closer to my goal to see up close, my mind isn't playing, she is here, although she is extremely changed I would recognize that sweet face and her bright smile in the middle of a million people. It's her, Teddy.
She looks so different, she has changed her long golden waves for a short brunette bob and bangs, she has also gained some weight, but it only makes her look more spectacular than ever, her hips and thighs are thicker, her breasts fuller, but it's definitely her, Teddy... my Teddy.
She carries two children holding hands, they seem the same age; a little blond boy with huge glasses that dwarf his face and who clings tightly to a doll and a redheaded girl who carries a colorful backpack with a lot of charms. Are they her children? I don't understand anything. Then I see her interacting with a man, attractive I must say, and my heart stops.
TEDDY
We make our way through the huge waiting room of the London airport, we walk quickly, the boarding gates will open in no time. Conrad with our carry ons and I with one of my children taken from each hand.
"Mommy, can you hold me?" My little boy shakes my hand to lift him up in my arms.
"Not now, baby, there are a lot of people and I have to take your sister by the hand too".
"What are we doing here? Shouldn't we be in the first class lounge?" Conrad complains as he pulls our luggage.
"Maybe if you hadn't wasted so much time refreshing yourself after landing and you hadn't encouraged Allison to go to the duty free, we would be comfortably there!" I spat, annoyed.
"You didn't expect me not to pamper myself after an 8 hour flight, didn't you?"
"I'm coming from an 8 hour flight too, taking care of two children, without sleeping and without refreshing myself!" I fire back and Conrad and the children look at me astonished. I huff and sit the children in the chairs then I address Conrad. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to talk to you like that... it's just that... there are so many people and Henry…"
"I know, darling, I know, you know you don't need to explain anything to me, I understand, go sit with him, I'll entertain Allison".
Finally we settled into the waiting room to board our flight to Frankfurt, finally home, I don't know how he did it, but Conrad convinced me, with a lot of help from Allison, to go to Orlando on vacation. She wanted to go to Disneyland and he wanted some tropical weather and why not, some beach. At first I put some resistance, Henry doesn't deal very well with crowds and tends to get very anxious but after Conrad told him it was Woody's home he wanted to go on vacations too, so when I least expected it I was in Florida, with a weather that was not exactly what I remembered from my time in Jacksonville at the Mayo Clinic, but it was certainly considerably warmer than the freezing cold of Landstuhl.
Anyway, deep down I knew that I wouldn't have refused to go on vacation, it had been years since I had taken some time off, long before Henry and Allison were born, and once they arrived it was even more impossible, since then everything was a whirlwind of work, depression, taking care of two newborns in the NICU, diapers, breastfeeding, dealing with postpartum depression, more work, dealing with my daughter who claimed my attention while I spent a lot of my free time taking extra care of my little boy, teaching him to speak sign language, teaching him to adapt to a world that considered him different. So yeah, we all needed this vacation and even though at first my little boy was a little scared at the change in his routine and the big crowds as soon as we walked through the gates of Disneyland, especially Toy Story Land and he saw Woody, his favorite character in the entire world, all his fears disappeared in an instant, the twins were ecstatic and seeing them happy made me happy too, so immediately those vacations became the best in a long, long time.
Allison was curled up in Conrad's lap watching a movie on his iPad while it was time to board, while Henry was sitting next to me, still, rocking his little legs that hung from the chair back and front, looking at the sea people around him and clinging tightly to his Sheriff Woody doll; He was scared, I immediately noticed, but I also remembered the psychiatrist's recommendations about helping him overcome his fears, to help him to integrate into this cruel world that had pointed him so many times during his short and innocent existence.
I started caressing his blond wavy hair, combing the few baby curls that still formed on the tips to reassure him.
He tapped my leg gently. "Mommy, I want to go home". He told me, with his hands using sign language and he looked at me with his huge crystal blue eyes and with a pout that broke my soul, I knew he was scared when in spite of wearing the hearing aid device he used sign language, too scared to talk. In spite of the fact that practically shortly after he was born he was placed in a hearing aid device I insisted on teaching him sign language, with time Allison, Conrad and I learned it too.
"Soon baby, soon". I kissed him on the top of his head.
"Mommy, can I play with my puzzle?" Henry and puzzles.
"Not now, honey, soon we will board the plane and we have to be ready".
"Ok mommy... mommy, can you hold me?"
"Of course if my love, come here". Immediately he jumped in my lap and buried his small head in my chest, bringing his arms and legs to his chest, making himself a small ball. I bring him closer to my chest and I kiss his head repeatedly.
Puzzles and Legos were Henry's best distraction when his anxiety hit, I hated to see my baby boy like that, anxious and without access to his coping mechanism. I tried to remember the reassuring words of his psychiatrist who told me that with a lot of patience and hard work in a short time Henry could live a life like any other child of his age, despite his deafness and his progressive blindness, but at the same time those reassuring words were not very helpful when I remembered the last one, that was the one I was most afraid of and the one that kept me awake at night.
In the last couple of years every few months Henry's prescription kept changing and the ophthalmologists didn't give me good forecasts, luckily it wasn't Retinoblastoma although sometimes I wish it was, at least we would know what we were fighting, but for more medical test doctors made they couldn't find the exact cause of his accelerated loss of vision, the day would come when he would completely lose sight and, hopefully, only a cornea transplant could return the vision to that huge pair of crystalline blue eyes even though it wasn't 100% sure.
My boy, so small and so abused by life. Sometimes I feel guilty, I feel that I caused this to him, that I didn't do my part to have the best possible pregnancy and that he was born this way because of me. Although every day Conrad reminds me that what happened to him wasn't my fault, I can't help feeling guilty; It's proven that babies can feel the mother's mood in the womb and during all those months that I carried them inside the only thing they felt was sadness, sadness at their father's rejection that even to this day my heart still breaks every time I think about it, every time I think about him.
I don't want to go back there, my children need me strong, they are my biggest motor in life, the reason to get up every morning. For them I must remain strong. For my girl, my little fiery redhead, so extroverted, so full of life and always so overprotective of her little brother, always ready to fight anyone who hurt him, even with his four years of life and 1 meter of height a glance from her moss green eyes could put more than one on their knees. And for my boy, my sweet little boy, the opposite of his sister, so introverted and fighting battles in cold hospital rooms from the day he was born, dealing with hearing aid devices, glasses and sign language from an early age. What would Owen say about all this? What would he say if he knew that we are parents of two beautiful children? I shake the thought off of my head, that will never happen and I must say that it's better that way.
"First class and business class passengers on flight F141 bound for Frankfurt, please board gate 9".
Finally! We all get up from our seats, Conrad takes Allison by the hand and both go to the boarding gate I follow behind with Henry in my arms, he sinks his little head into my neck. Suddenly someone shouts my name. That voice.
"TEDDY!"
Then someone pulls me by the shoulder.
OWEN
Since I saw her it was as if something had stuck my feet to the ground, I couldn't move, I couldn't get close to her. I wanted to reach her, look her in the face, see her beautiful green eyes again after so many years, see her smile.
I stand there while I watch her snuggle that little boy while the girl is curled up in that man's lap, they look like a family, probably they are, my heart sinks. Selfish, I know. I'm jealous that she has moved on while my life was downhill from the day I left her apartment almost five years ago.
But I feel so warm inside when I see her repeatedly kiss the head of that child and miraculously I can take a couple of steps closer, I want to see her closely, I want to see them closely to her and that beautiful pair of children. They are beautiful and for a reason I can't explain why seeing them makes me smile, maybe it's because of the idea that they are hers, I don't know, but they are so beautiful that the first thing they provoke me is to lift my lips in a huge smile, the biggest one I've had probably in years.
I look at them and suddenly they remind me of someone, I try to search in my head, but I can't place who exactly they remember me off. That girl with her wavy fire-red hair, that boy with his golden hair. Who? Who? Who? Suddenly, as if the light of realization was opening in my head I remember who. Of course! That girl reminds me of Megan and him of me.
No, it can't be. I scold myself, this is just my brain making me see what I want to see, I want to see in those children something of me, I want to see in those children of hers, something of me. I know that's impossible, I know Teddy, she would've told me of their existence.
I keep looking, as if by looking at them I would find an answer. It's been almost five years since Teddy and I were together, these children seem to be around 4 years old. No Hunt, stop!
I fight between approaching her and greeting or not. I don't know what her reaction will be. Is she still angry at me? Has she already forgiven me? No, the best thing is to let her go, let her be happy.
But to think that I'm so close to her, that I'm only a few steps away and that if I don't go right now this will probably be the last time in my life that I see her makes me move my feet and go to her. I'm so close, I can almost touch her with the tips of my fingers. I am touching her with the tips of my fingers.
"TEDDY!" Without realizing it, I grabbed her shoulder and turned her towards me…