Chapter 10: Druggy Rumors (continued)

By: pusheen

Alex was summoned back to Brooklands at 6 am on Saturday for a vague character-building activity. When he entered the chemistry lab at 6:01 am, he was utterly unsurprised to find out that he was the only student in the room, probably the school. He had long since grown accustomed to the special treatment from his "teachers".

"Late again, Alex?" Gordon Ross was sitting at the teacher's bench at the front of the room, looking unfairly well-rested and put together for such an unearthly hour. It appeared a casual weekend dress for him was a jacket and a dress shirt. Maybe he had plans for the afternoon? At least he had dispensed with a tie.

"I was informed I had to come in less than six hours ago! That's hardly fair!" Alex huffed. He had barely gotten five hours of sleep and decided he had a right to be a little annoyed.

Ross chuckled. "Character building is important. And it seems like yours could use a little work. Life is hardly fair, Alex."

Rationally, Alex knew that there was no way he was going to win this argument, but the bratty teenager in him decided to keep going. He opened his mouth, ready to rebut with how growing teenagers required at least seven hours of sleep and how his life only started becoming a lot more unfair with Ross' reappearance when someone at the back of the room cleared their throat.

Alex's head whipped upwards to look for the source of the offending noise when he realized that Yassen, Professor Yermalov, Jet, The Countess, and Doctor Three were sitting in the shadows at the back of the room. Yermalov's well-built frame looked especially comical folded into a chair meant for a fourteen-year-old. Like Ross, all of them looked perfectly unaffected by the early hour. Alex's eyes narrowed slightly at the sight of them, his argument was forgotten.

Gordon Ross clapped his hands together to draw his attention. "As we were discussing, Alex, the matter of your character. Please pee into that cup." He gestured at an empty plastic cup sitting on the desk in front of him.

"What?!" Alex spluttered.

"Yes, Alex. Drug test time," Ross gave him a sheepish grin. "You see, the druggie rumors have surfaced again. We care for you, Alex. We want to be sure that you're not doing drugs."

Alex scowled. "I told you I wasn't. It's because of all the energy drinks I've been drinking. As a chemistry teacher, you should know they're a diuretic, which means…" Alex launched into an explanation of how the caffeine in energy drinks worked to make him urinate more frequently; his detailed explanation of how the compounds interacted at the molecular level would have impressed even a chemistry professor, except Gordon Ross was not a chemistry expert outside of explosives, and he merely managed to look a little confused.

There was a moment of silence once Alex finished his explanation, broken only when Doctor Three stood up and started walking towards the front of the room, staring intently at Alex. "I wasn't aware of the extent of this energy drink business. Perhaps it might be more beneficial to do a hair analysis instead…"

Alex stifled a groan. There was no winning this; it appeared that the universe wanted him to do some sort of drug test this morning. "Fine. I'll do whatever drug test you want me to do. Just tell me, what did I ever do to deserve all of your tender love and care?"

The Countess went first. "You have so much potential, Alex."

Jet shrugged. "We care about you, Alex. You're fourteen. You shouldn't be working for MI6. But if you had to, you should have as many skills as you can have."

Yassen raised an eyebrow at him. "John would kill us if we did nothing whilst knowing what MI6 was doing to you."

Dr. Three stared at Alex for a long moment. "We're investing in your future, Alexander. Such a bright young child… I hope you will work for us one day."

It was finally Gordon Ross's turn. "Look, kid. We do care about you. We wanted revenge at first but… you're a good kid. You're fun to teach, and when we realized our presence scared MI6 off, we had to stay!"

Alex stared at each of them in turn. "Are you all drunk?"

To his surprise, Yassen's brows furrowed and Ross facepalmed. "Jesus, kid. MI6 did fuck you up bad. You know you can just take a fucking compliment, right?"

Alex blushed a little at that. It wasn't so bad, was it? And what was with the adults and their condescending attitude towards his zero sugar energy drinks? Alex was already seeing so many gains, and he wasn't going to stop now.

After some negotiation on Alex's part, it was agreed that Jet would give him a haircut so Doctor Three could get a hair sample. At the time, she seemed like the least likely person who would attempt to cut his hair with a combat knife. As they walked towards Jet's greenhouse, Alex had the sudden realization that gardening shears could be a pretty lethal weapon as well.

Alex took a sip of his drink from a mason jar, hoping the vodka in his cocktail (we are being generous with the definition of "cocktail" here) would calm his nerves.

"What are you drinking?" Jet turned to look at him.

"Uhh," Alex started. "Some coffee, Redbull, Monster Zero Sugar, gin, a twist of lemon. Would you like to try?"

Jet arched an eyebrow at him. Alex was slightly amused to note that her eyebrows could communicate almost as well as Yassen's. That amusement didn't last long. Jet continued walking at a brisker pace. This time when she spoke, she didn't bother looking at Alex or hiding her disdain.

"That's the most disgusting, sorry excuse for a drink I've ever heard. Where on earth did you get the inspiration for such a drink from?!"

"Gordon Ross?" Alex suggested helpfully.

"Did he tell you about fourloko?" Jet sighed. "He loves to tell me about his time in uni, drinking fourloko and cramming for his exams."

Alex grinned. "Something like that, yeah."

Jet wanted to scream. Instead, she counted to ten and suggested a list of natural, plant-based alternatives to replace Alex's fourloko-like concoction, which Alex politely accepted. Jet had a suspicious feeling that it was mostly empty platitudes, and she resolved to make him a fresh cuppa from the plants in her greenhouse after his haircut to convince Alex that herbal remedies could be tasty and cool too.

Wednesday saw Alex back in the chemistry lab again, this time in the glorious company of his classmates. The learning objectives of the day's lesson was qualitative analysis, with a focus on plastic explosives. Alex noted that Gordon Ross had what looked like concealer smeared over a bruise on his right eye. He glared at Alex as he limped back and forth across the classroom to help the other students with their experiments. Each time, Alex grinned back at him and raised his mason jar in a toast. He just knew that Ross' animosity was related to his conversation with Jet over the weekend.

Alex was just starting to wonder how many combat knives it would take to cut the tension between himself and Ross when Yassen materialized at the door to the classroom.

"There's been a family emergency," Yassen told Ross. "I need to take Alex out of class for the day."

Alex gleefully swept his books into his backpack, waving goodbye to his lab partner as he followed Yassen outside.

"What's up?" Alex asked.

Yassen turned to glance at him. "Status meeting. We're going to the principal's office."

Alex smirked. "That sounds like trouble. Am I in trouble?"

Yassen didn't respond to his question directly. "I'm still recovering from the last time I bailed you out of jail, Alex Rider."

"My bail wasn't that expensive," Alex retorted, rolling his eyes. "I wasn't even accused of murder like my dad!"

"Uh-huh. And putting four men in the hospital is so much better."

"They were racist assholes! I was being a responsible member of society!"

The door to the principal's office was open, and D'Arc smiled as Yassen and Alex stepped inside.

"Yassen! Alex! So nice of you to join us," D'Arc gestured towards a couple of empty seats in the room.

Doctor Three walked into the room and shut the door behind him.

"Alexander, we're here to discuss your career options." Doctor Three shuffled a few papers in front of him menacingly. "What would it take for you to be a responsible member of society…"

"I'd like to go back to my goal of alcoholism, please," Alex responded sweetly.

"Status meeting" turned out to be code for what seemed like a never-ending meeting to discuss Alex's drug test results and career goals. Alex was thoroughly unimpressed, but he was glad to learn the lesson that real-life meetings were hell. He made a mental note to ask "how many hours will I spend in meetings?" as part of any job interview going forward.

"Are we done yet?" Alex couldn't resist blurting out at the three-hour mark.

Doctor Three smiled lazily. "That isn't protocol, Alex."

"Someone has to die before the meeting can conclude," D'Arc explained helpfully. "It wouldn't be proper otherwise. It's a tradition."

"What?" Alex almost yelled. "So, I have to kill someone and the meeting ends? This doesn't jive with my career goal of being a responsible member of society!"

D'Arc smiled. "No, Alex. It is. You see, you'll be saving the rest of us from an eternity in meeting hell."

Alex groaned and rested his head in his hands. Wished he had simple alcohol in his bottle today, instead of his Ross-inspired cocktail. "Yassen, can you do something about this please…"