Upstead (First Kiss)

Chapter 8

Hello guys! I am back with the eighth chapter. Hang on tight, because this is an emotional one for sure and I really put in a lot of thought into it to make it the best I could. I do hope you enjoy. :)

It appeared that Hailey and Jay were getting into arguments frequently these days. Either it was about their past decisions or their interfering natures or concerning the recent events, it didn't matter, all that mattered was the fact that they couldn't look eye to eye anymore. The irony was that they were best at understanding each other without words but somehow these days words were also not enough. What had caused this? It was clear that Booth's attack had ruffled both their feathers, but what no one had expected was all the baggage and all the hidden secrets to come out. And this revealing had caused a tangible tension between the two partners.

Hailey did not want to speak about her experience but Jay could not let it go either. He was too fixed on the idea that sharing was going to help her. At times he understood that she needed her space but he couldn't stop himself from asking her questions. He couldn't bear the fact that she had to carry all the pain on her own. But after this little but intense argument, Jay had seriously decided not to question Hailey anymore unless she initiated the subject herself. So the day was spent rather dully, because they had started off on the wrong foot and it took some time for everything to get back to normal. As the evening approached the weather became mean and harsh. Winter was coming but it didn't have to appear so fast. In spite of staying in the cabin for so many hours Hailey felt cold, the cabin seemed to have frozen. They lighted a fire in the hearth and gradually the heat spread through the room. None of them had spoken since the final argument, just exchanged words necessary to get things done. As for dinner they ordered from outside since nothing was available in the cabin and going to shop now didn't seem a pleasant activity. They would go out tomorrow and get all that was needed.

As night crept in the degrees too dropped and the wind was furious outside. This sort of weather always had a double effect, one was glad that one was protected under a roof and four walls, but the idea of being outside terrified one's being. It was a good thing Upton and Halstead were safe in their little cabin, not having to worry about other things, as they already had a handful of problems. Before going to bed as well, they didn't speak thinking that words would only further cause problems. They lay down extremely conscious of the size of the bed and having made a concrete mental note about how much they could call their side. Because the last thing they needed was to be overcome by impulses and ideas that had no room for expression. An hour went by and Jay finally asked, whispering not wanting to wake her up if she was asleep, "Are you awake?"

"Yeah," Hailey replied immediately.

"Okay," he said, happy that he wasn't the only one not being able to sleep.

Again some time went by in silence before Jay said in a soft and steady voice, "You know, when I was in Afghanistan I lost faith in humanity."

At that Hailey was forced to turn her head towards Jay and look at him. He wasn't looking at her, simply staring at the ceiling. She didn't know how to respond so she remained silent. Jay continued not showing whether he realised she was listening or not, "And I have never told this to anyone before, but there were times when I didn't want to live anymore, I just couldn't bear it anymore."

An emotional chord had been struck within her and she faced Jay fully from her position and barely managed, "Jay…"

"It's true. There was just so much hatred, so much violence and so much pain and suffering that I thought if I wasn't there I wouldn't have to see it all."

His voice had changed and it was no more the voice of the man she had known. The vulnerability, the wounds, the fear, the pain were all evident. Hailey stared at him with tears in her eyes and wondered what war could do to a man like him, and the outcome was not pleasant at all. Jay seemed broken, he felt exposed and there was something about him in this condition that made any heart melt and feel for him. Hailey moved from her side and took Jay's hand that was limply lying on his stomach and took it in hers. She squeezed it tightly and held onto it, still facing him.

"There were children and women in the buildings that were blown up, and there was just nothing we could do, ever," he continued not paying attention to any external movements.

All Hailey could think at that moment was that thank God she hadn't known Jay during that time, it would have killed her to even think about him in such horrific situations. She simply wouldn't have managed taking that kind of pressure upon herself.

"And then when I came back the nightmares started. I couldn't sleep properly for weeks. It was just too terrifying," Jay continued devoid of emotions.

He then inhaled deeply and sighed as though letting out all the memories and pain. "I realised then that life was so precious and so rare. Every moment was a gift."

Hailey was silently weeping now, too moved by Jay's words, they were not words they were his experiences and he meant all of them. If Jay knew Hailey was crying he didn't show it, he simply continued, "And now when I look back I shudder at the thought, I almost feel the physical pain again. The war was a part of my life but it's not who I am." He gently pulled his hand out of Hailey's hand and wiped his eyes calmly, all the while Hailey looking at him and breaking inch by inch.

The bedroom was absolutely silent. Occasionally Hailey's sniffles and tiny sobs were heard, but other than that there were no sounds. Jay let out a few sniffles but he had them under control and was back to being himself. Suddenly Hailey was crying uncontrollably and for the first time Jay turned to her side and looked at her, she was facing the ceiling now. Before he could approach her or say anything she started softly, "He was going to rape me Jay. I saw it in his eyes."

She let her words sink in, more to herself than to anyone else. She had never uttered them aloud and replaying them in her mind had troubled her more than she would have thought. She continued, "He came into my house using the spare key I gave the landlord, claiming he was my brother. And before I could understand what was happening he hit me," more tears rolled down her eyes. "He forced me to the bedroom and he was ready to do it, and that's when I fully understood what was going to happen."

Hailey paused trying to regain composure, Jay was not looking at her, his eyes were fixed on the ceiling like before.

"We fought violently and he realised this was not going to work here so he took me to that warehouse and tried to do it there. But I was not going to let it happen, I just wasn't going to let him do what he wanted," she finished more fiercely than she expected to.

"He went to pee I think and I attacked him from behind. He was caught off guard and I kicked him in the nuts. He fell to the floor and I took his phone and called you."

Hailey breathed heavily for a few moments, trying to relax and not let the memory have such a power over her. She continued softly, "Then he shot at me from behind but missed. We fought again and he seemed to have some sort of knife in his hand. He shamelessly used it on me and then sounds were heard, I think you guys arrived."

She stopped, overwhelmed by all the emotions overtaking her at the moment. Then she said finally, her words showing the finality of this recounting, "And then I stopped fighting."

Hailey was crying louder now, her tears were heard clearly in the silent room. She had let it all out, she had held so much within her that letting it all out was relieving but terrifying at the same time. Jay didn't move for a long time, if he was angry or hurt or upset, he didn't show it. Slowly he turned towards the fragile figure breaking down in front of him and approached it. Hailey didn't notice him until he wrapped his arms around her and whispered, "Come here."

He gently pulled her towards him and held her the way he had wanted to for so long. He wiped her tears softly and whispered in her ear, "I am sorry Hailey, I am so sorry." He meant it and she felt that.

He moved away for a second to grab the blanket that was on the edge of the bed and pulled it over her. Hailey had still not stopped crying but she felt reassured from within that she wasn't alone in this. Jay was holding her again and his touch gave her hope. How she had feared he would leave her after hearing her story. How she had feared he would not think of her as before, how he would judge her and think she was crazy. But the moment Jay had held her all her fears had turned into silent prayers.

Jay felt a lot of things right now but one thing caught his mind like a trap. For the first time he had recounted the most horrific and dangerous experiences of his life and it didn't matter if Hailey assured him or not. What mattered was that he was there for her in one of her most difficult moments, what mattered was that he was there with her, what mattered was that he was lucky enough to be in her life at all. That made him realise that he was falling in love with her. The little voice that he tried to avoid for so long was surfacing now, with a calmness and surety that he couldn't deny. Nothing else mattered anymore, he was with his love and he felt at home.

This concludes the eighth chapter and I am proud of it. Hopefully you guys feel the same way and share your comments and feedback with me. It would really mean a lot. I am looking forward to hearing from you. Thank you!

P.S. What did you guys think of the premiere? I personally don't know what I thought. There were so many things tackled in that first episode, and the show has changed so much already. Although, I am sure we are in for a big season with hopefully lot more upstead content. Looking forward to the next episode and perhaps some of your comments on this as well. :)