Follow me on twitter for updates: ministana

Posting schedule: Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays

Dani walked into the bedroom, threw her head back, and groaned. Next to the bed, Jamie was in an oversized t-shirt and underwear, scrunching her wet hair with a towel. She watched as Dani, exhausted, made her way to the end of the bed and started to sit. "Hey, hey hey," Jamie cried to get her attention. Dani abruptly stopped and spun around to face her girlfriend. "I just changed the sheets and you've still got vomit on your shirt."

"I do?" Dani pulled the end of her shirt out so she could get a look. Sure enough, there were a few different stains across the gray NYU shirt. "Look at that." She stripped out of her clothes and padded into the bathroom. The floor there was lined with linoleum, one of the easiest floors to clean, so she dropped the dirty clothes onto the ground and got into the shower.

Jamie followed her in and leaned against the doorframe. "How are they?"

"Both asleep. Miles passed out forty-five minutes ago and I finally got Flora to sleep just now. They both kept the ginger tea down so hopefully that's a good sign. If they sleep through the night then I think we're in the clear." Dani let the warm water wash over her face and down her body. It felt nice to wash herself off after the day's events.

"Thank you," Jamie said. "For letting me shower while you put them to bed."

Dani peaked her head out around the curtain and smiled. "Of course. Flora's got pretty good aim." She ducked back in and then added, "Thanks for changing the sheets."

"Do we take them to see a doctor, then?" Jamie asked.

"If they wake up and get sick again we should take them in first thing in the morning to get fluids," Dani said. She massaged shampoo into her hair and relaxed into it. "If they're good, we should still get some Pedialyte for them. Do you think you can get it or should I?"

Jamie paused for a second. "Tomorrow's Tuesday, right? I've to go tend some plants around the town, but the law firm is next to the store. I'll grab some and bring it home."

"That would be great," Dani said.

The conversation lapsed and a few moments later the sound of Jamie's electric toothbrush competed with the shower. When the shampoo had fully washed from her hair, Dani opened her eyes to find that the shower had steamed up pretty fast. Over her shoulder was a small mirror that a previous owner had installed into the tile, probably for shaving. As she turned around, something caught her eye. It was not her reflection, but the Lady's. It wasn't new. Dani had slowly been losing herself more and more to the Lady in the Lake ever since the day Flora had been suspended. She almost forgot what her own reflection looked like.

Dani looked away, she didn't need another reminder of all she was about to lose. Then, from the corner of her eye, she saw something move. When she looked back, the Lady was still there. The Lady's hand raised even as Dani's hand remained at her side, holding her bar of soap. It began to extend further and further out, poised to grab Dani's neck again just as she had done before.

This was new. Dani screamed and jumped back. She lost her footing and slipped onto the floor of the shower with a loud thump. Despite the immediate ache of her tailbone, Dani's hand still went to her throat scratching at bare skin just to prove to herself there was not a hand there.

The curtain flew back and Jamie turned off the water. "What happened?"

Dani gasped for air and sat up. "I just slipped and it surprised me."

"That wasn't a scream of surprise, that was out of fear." Jamie looked around, probably trying to find something that would explain it.

"I'm okay," Dani said. She started to push herself up from the floor and then winced and let herself back down. "So, I may have bruised my butt."

"Do you want me to get you some ice?" Jamie asked.

"No," Dani shook her head. "Just help me get up and I'll be okay." She held out her hand and Jamie took it, pulling her off the floor. Safely on her feet, Dani grabbed a towel and began to dry herself off. Walking was hard so she waddled herself to the bedroom, carefully slid on a pajama set, and then lowered herself into the bed.

Jamie turned the light off in the bathroom then the overhead light so that the bedside lamps were the only ones keeping the room lit up. She pushed back the comforter on her side and settled into the bed. "Are you sure nothing happened in the shower?"

"I just thought I saw her in the reflection," Dani shook her head. "It's ridiculous."

"I know you've been seeing her every time you look in the mirror," Jamie said. "You think I can't tell when you're fighting her, but I can. You get this look in your eye. Like you're a million miles away."

Dani reached over the bed and grabbed Jamie's hand. She rolled on her side and brushed some wet strands of hair from Jamie's face. "What was prison like?"

Jamie's eyebrows raised and she scoffed, "Jesus, Dani. That's what you want to talk about right now?"

"I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I realized I've never really asked about it and you don't really talk about it."

Jamie ran the heel of her palm over her nose and across her forehead. "I don't really talk about it because it feels like an entirely different person. I was angry and hurting really bad and I acted it out on everyone around me."

Dani watched every little piece of the woman she loved talk about her past. She wanted to commit every part of her to memory, to know every last corner of this woman's mind before she had to leave. "Why were you arrested?"

"I was using cocaine, a lot of it. Thankfully, I was locked up before it could become an addiction. But, one day, I was high out of my mind, and walking down the street with this girl I was seeing. We were both almost nineteen at the time. I kissed her and this man just started screaming slurs at us. Horrible things. So I turned around and I punched him. The first punch, I will never regret." Jamie stared at the ceiling the whole time she told this story. Her face was animated, switching between an amusement only healing can bring, pain, anger, and fear.

"The first punch?" Dani asked.

Jamie nodded and then her face went darker. "I kept going and going and going. They had to pull me off him. My lawyer said they stopped me just in time. If it had gone on even a minute longer the man would probably be dead." She stopped talking and fell deeper into the memory. "It got ruled self-defense, luckily. Two years in prison for drugs and assault, another of continued therapy."

"And prison?" Dani pushed.

"Even when you weren't in solitary, it was so much time alone. I felt so far away from myself and all I could do was try to remember who I was. My survival instincts kept screaming to fight back, hold onto who I was before I went in. But, I knew if I held onto who I was then I would be back again in a year. My only option was to be stuck in pain or give in to losing myself." Jamie blinked a few times, coming back into the moment. She looked back at Dani and took a deep breath. "Of course, what I didn't know then was that I was just finding a better version of me. The one that got the opportunity to fall in love with you."

Jamie tried to smile at Dani to ease the moment. When she noticed that Dani was gone, deep in her own thoughts, her smile disappeared. She reached out and lifted Dani's chin. Dani flitted between both of Jamie's eyes, back and forth, back and forth, searching for what she didn't know. Words? Guidance? Bravery?

"I feel like I'm stuck between pain and giving in," Dani finally confessed. The feeling had resided in her chest for so long. She always thought that when she finally admitted it to Jamie it would feel freeing. She was so void of her own self, Dani didn't even shed a tear. "I can barely remember my own feelings most days. I'm enveloped by her anger and despair all the time. Some days, it feels like my body isn't my own. Like I'm not the one in charge anymore. I'm so tired."

Jamie rolled onto her elbow and cupped Dani's cheek in her hand. "I know."

"It's like everyday I feel myself fading away, but I'm still here. I don't understand how that is," Dani whispered. Her voice was small, far away.

As Jamie brushed the hair out of Dani's face, Dani could feel her hand trembling, feel her body shaking with whatever sobs she was trying to hold onto. "You're still here. You're here."

Dani's breath shook as she released it from her lungs. "It's like I see you in front of me and I feel you touching me. And everyday, we're living our lives and I'm aware of that. It's like I don't feel it all the way. I'm not even scared of her anymore. I just stare at her and it's getting harder and harder to see me. Maybe I should just accept that."

"No," Jamie pleaded. Her shakes got worse and her quiet sobs began to rise in her.

"Maybe I should accept that and go," Dani repeated.

"No, no," Jamie stated. She shook her head. "Not yet."

Dani sighed and took her girlfriend's hand. "Jamie."

"It's fine if you can't feel anything. Then I'll feel everything for the both of us." She held tight to Dani's gaze. It didn't matter that the gardener had ended up back where she had started with Dani– holding everything for both of them. She would do it gladly as long as Dani was still there. Dani was worth it. "But no one is going anywhere. Okay? You're still here."

"What if I'm me, sitting next to you, but I'm just really her?"

Jamie let out a long, jagged breath. "One day at a time." A large tear slipped from her eye. "How much time do we have left?"

Dani shook her head. "I don't know. Two weeks? Probably less."

"Christmas is in a week and a half," Jamie whispered. "Promise me you will try to get that far. Please, just one Christmas together as a family. Owen will be here soon. He'll want to say goodbye."

"I can't promise you that," Dani said. "I can't promise anything anymore."

Jamie closed her eyes as the tears took over. She rested her forehead against Dani's. "We're closing the shop then. I'll say it's for the holidays."

"You don't have to do that," Dani said.

"I'm spending every second with you I can," Jamie insisted.

Dani wrapped her hand through Jamie's arm and onto the back of her neck, holding her close. "I love you so much."

"I know," Jamie said. "I love you, too."

Miles and Flora remained completely oblivious. They were recovering from the stomach flu and on a high from a school break and an impending Christmas morning so the increased family time didn't incite questions. Dani barely got any time alone, but she wasn't too upset by it. Mostly, she sat on the couch next to Jamie and watched the kids talk amongst themselves. Jamie made sure to invite Ellie and Mrs. Clayton over for dinners. Again, neither one found anything suspicious (except Mrs. Clayton who was taken aback by how long her daughter hugged her).

As the days passed, the Lady got progressively more powerful and awake inside of Dani. The first time it got bad, Dani woke up to her hand fluttering over Jamie's neck. She wondered if that was the sign she was looking for. Then, she realized she didn't really know what she was looking for or where she would go when she found it. What she did know was how hard Jamie had begged her to stay until Christmas. So she waited.

The next morning while Jamie was picking up groceries to prepare for Owen's arrival in two days, Dani grabbed a bag and started to throw things in just in case she had to leave quickly. A change of clothes and her travel toothbrush were the first things to go in. She wanted to keep it to only what she absolutely needed, packing light. As she stared at the zipper, she knew it wasn't enough. Dani quietly let herself into her study. On her desk sat a few pictures of her and Jamie, the kids, and all four of them together. There were more throughout the house, of course, but Jamie wouldn't notice these were missing until Dani was already gone. She threw in her favorite book, a vintage copy of Little Women, for added comfort.

Dani swung the now closed bag around onto her shoulder and made to leave. A strap caught on one of the desk drawers and as Dani began to walk, it opened behind her. The sound made her turn and she came face to face with the top drawer of her desk. Inside, was the letter from Henry and three very old-fashioned keys on a key ring, said to be the keys to Bly. Shaking, her hand hovered over Henry's letter. It had been left unread out of fear for what she would find. Something inside her urged her to read it. She couldn't tell if it was her own conscience, now quieted by the Lady, or if it was the Lady trying to get closer to her.

Regardless, Dani heard the front door slam closed and Jamie's voice calling out for her. She stuffed both the key and the letter into her bag, stashed it under her desk and rushed to meet Jamie in the hallway.

"What were you doing in there?" Jamie asked, absentmindedly. She somehow managed to hold three paper bags of groceries at once and gestured for Dani to take the one that was starting to slip.

"Putting a book away." Dani grabbed the bag and followed Jamie into the kitchen.

"The line at the liquor store was so long today. Do you think you could go tomorrow and get some rum? Owen asked for spiked Eggnog." Jamie turned her back to Dani as she put groceries away. From that angle, she couldn't see Dani's forlorn look.

That night was quiet, passed without incident. Dani hoped that was a good sign that she could push through for just a bit longer. After getting rum, she stopped at Ellie's to get peppermint hot chocolates for everyone at home. With it being a Friday, they all stayed up a bit late playing board games. The house was filled with laughter late into the night, much later than Dani and Jamie had ever let Miles and Flora stay up before.

Dani crawled into bed that night tired and full of joy. She went to sleep with hopes that enough happiness could corner the Lady, maybe forever. Jamie slid in behind her and pulled her close against her chest. They whispered their nightly "I love yous" and Dani fell asleep in Jamie's arms.

It was those last few moments that Dani held in the forefront of her mind when she woke up in Flora's room standing over the foot of Flora's bed. The child never stirred, but still, Dani knew that this was the sign she had been waiting for. She slipped downstairs, grabbed her bag, and disappeared into the snowy evening.