Chapter 10: Someone To Stay

I was avoiding Seth.

Okay, "avoiding" was a bit of an exaggeration since we still spoke every day, but I refused to move past surface- level conversation. Seth's words from the other day in the car still floated around my mind, and the idea of forgiveness and my own feelings of self-consciousness warred against each other in my thoughts. I didn't know if I understood Seth's concern for me or resented him for it, and I found myself holding back in our talks because I couldn't trust that whatever I told him was just between us.

It made me question our friendship. I believed he actually cared for me, and I even believed he genuinely wanted to be my friend. But still, there was a good chance he was talking about me to my brother, and I didn't know how to feel about another relationship of mine going down the drain because of things being done behind my back. I couldn't ask him to end his friendship with Jared in the same way I couldn't ask Kim to end her relationship with him, but in that same regard, I didn't know if I could fully trust him. It pained me to admit it.

And maybe a tiny, insecure part of me couldn't stop thinking about what Seth had said. I looked terrible. It was the second time in a very short period I had been told to my face that I looked like shit, and I couldn't help but feel like I was some grotesque kind of monster scaring the people around me with my appearance. I never thought I was particularly pretty, but my heart twisted whenever I thought of what he said to me. He apologized profusely for it, but the Seth I thought I knew didn't even seem like the type of person who would say something so awful in the first place. I couldn't help but wonder if the reason I was so upset was because the words themselves hurt my feelings, or if it was because Seth said them to me.

A few days had gone by since our hangout at the cliffs, and Seth and I decided to walk along First Beach after school since our first wave of exams had come to an end, and our teachers hadn't given us any homework since we were starting new units in our classes next week.

We dragged our feet across the sand, walking slowly as we made small talk. The wind rolling off of the cold ocean was making me shiver, and I tried my best to stay warm as I pulled my jacket closer to me. Seth, as always, seemed like he didn't even notice the cold weather and I wished I had the same furnace-like body temperature he and my brother had. Jared and I's shared genes certainly preferred to give him all the good stuff, it seemed.

"Soooo," Seth said curiously, his old school Vans making little prism shapes in the sand right before the water washed them away. "How'd you do on our history test? You'll never believe what I got."

Truthfully, I had failed. I didn't feel like explaining that I hadn't studied the two nights before our exam because I was wallowing in self- pity after seeing Kim, Jared, and my mother play "house" in our kitchen. But the excitement in his face contrasted against the slightly tired, dark circles under his eyes, and I didn't want to dampen his mood.

And I was honestly a little ashamed.

"Oh, um, I haven't checked," I lied. Seth rose an eyebrow at me. "You didn't check? What, did you just fold up the paper and shove it in your bag as we left?" he asked. I nodded, faking a smile and a nonchalant shrug.

"Well, you definitely aced it. There's no way you got any lower than an A after all that studying you did. And you're the smartest person I know," he replied cheekily. I felt my face flush, more out of guilt than at the compliment. I was obviously pretty fucking dumb if I decided to spend two consecutive nights crying in my bed instead of preparing for a major exam, but he didn't need to know that. "What'd you get?" I asked him, my voice upbeat.

Seth's puppy-dog eyes widened, and his smile beamed as he looked at me. "A B. Can you believe it? My mom is going to throw a whole friggin' party," he told me happily. I felt a genuine smile rise to my face, and my eyes softened as I stopped in my tracks. "Oh my god, Seth," I told him affectionately. "That's amazing news! I knew you'd do well. You definitely need to celebrate."

"We have to celebrate. Once you stop being a weenie and finally tell me what you got. We'll celebrate our high grades together."

Jesus, I felt awful. The childlike enthusiasm at our presumed shared accomplishment made my heart drop into my stomach. I didn't want to disappoint him, nor did I want to take away his celebratory mood by telling him of my failure. Especially after his comment from the other day, I didn't want Seth to worry about me.

"I'm really proud of you," I said quietly. "You really do deserve it."

At least those words were true. I watched his cheeks redden at my praise, and I felt a little less awful as I noticed his demeanor change from his forlorn behavior from the last few days to a much happier one. Seth did deserve the best of everything, and I felt my chest expand at the bashful expression on his face.

"Speaking of partying and celebrating," he said conspiratorially. "My cousin Emily is having a little Halloween get together in a couple of weeks. I… she wanted to know if you wanted to come."

I looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "Your cousin knows who I am?" I asked in surprise. Seth let out a little laugh and nodded his head. "Uh, yeah. Duh. Anyway, you don't have to say yes. It was just a suggestion. But…but I'd like it if you came," he smiled. I blushed.

"Well," I said with obvious sarcasm. "I'll have to check my extremely busy schedule. I might have another few parties to attend, but I'll try and squeeze you in."

"Wow, I'm so honored. I hope you can grace us with your presence."

"I'll see what I can do. I'm in high demand."

We both laughed at our back-and-forth, and I wondered what kind of party it would be. Did people still wear costumes to Halloween parties? Usually, Kim and I would dress up as something stupid and have a sleepover at her house, maybe even take her little brothers trick-or-treating and spend the rest of the night having a horror movie marathon.

My heart twisted. I hated that even when I tried not to think of my ex-best friend, my mind still found itself attached to our memories in nostalgia.

Everything just felt so different now.

"What are you gonna dress up as?" I asked him curiously, my black clunky boots kicking up little rocks along the beach. Seth let out a loud laugh, and he looked at me with a knowing twinkle in his eyes like he was about to tell me a funny joke. "Um, I think I might go as a werewolf," he said with a short chuckle.

"A werewolf? Wow, how original," I said sardonically. "What are you gonna do, wear a ripped- up flannel and some fake teeth and call it a day? That's too easy."

He looked at me with a genuinely astonished expression and clutched his heart dramatically. "What, you don't like werewolves?" he asked, his eyebrows scrunched together. He was smiling, but there was something in his eyes that was searching mine for an answer, and I didn't know what to make of the strange mix of seriousness and jest in his tone.

"I'm kinda more of a cat person," I told him jokingly. His lips curled up in the corners, and he beamed at me as he let out a series of loud laughs. I didn't think I was being that funny, but his happiness was contagious and I found myself giggling too. "Of course you are," Seth said, more to himself than to me. "I should have known."

"Hey! Cats are cool. They're my favorite animal," I told him. "What's yours?"

"My favorite animal? Probably a dog."

Go figure, I thought to myself. The guy with the personality of a golden retriever just so happens to love dogs.

"Of course. I should have known!" I mocked, smiling as he bumped me with his shoulder. "Now you have to tell me what you're gonna be for Halloween," he asked lightly.

I took a moment to think about it, and I didn't have an answer. Kim and I usually dressed up in a buddy costume, and we had thought about going as Doc Brown and Marty McFly this year. I could only assume that wasn't happening.

"It'll be a surprise," I said vaguely, waving my hand casually as if I actually knew what I was going to wear. He raised his eyebrows and held his hands up in surrender. "Oh, okay Moody. I bet you ten bucks you're gonna dress up as some obscure reference I'm not going to understand." I scoffed and narrowed my eyes playfully. "Just because you don't know something doesn't make it obscure," I laughed.

"You're gonna show up as some actress from like, 1952 or whatever and I'm gonna be standing there like an idiot next to you."

"Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll go as actress from '53 or '54."

"Yeah, that will definitely make all the difference. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

We laughed again, and a sudden strong breeze rolled off of the ocean and hit me like a sack of bricks. My teeth chattered as I stood still, trying to brace myself against the cold wind as Seth stopped in his tracks, looking at me with amusement. "Are you cold?" he asked me mischievously. I glared at him.

"D-Don't make fun of me. N-Not all of us are built like a t-thermos," I retorted as I flinched against the wind. I crossed my arms over my chest protectively, and my hair blew over the side of my head despite my desperate attempts to fix it.

"You need to start busting out those winter clothes from your closet. Maybe you should dress for the weather instead of for style," he chastised as I rolled my eyes. "Y-You're one to talk! You're not e-even wearing a j-jacket!"

"Yeah, because I run warm. Just like you said."

"W-Well, I d-didn't think we would be going to the b-beach on such a cold day."

"I know, but you're always wearing those skimpy little skirts. How are you supposed to be warm in those?"

Just as the words flew out of his mouth, I could see the regret on his face. My eyes widened in shock. Skimpy? I thought to myself. What the hell? Seth's smile fell right off his face in realization.

"I didn't mean that. Shit."

It might have been an unfair comparison. Seth didn't know about the things that had been said about me in the past, the comments Jared's ex-girlfriend, Talia, had made when he broke up with her. But my mind couldn't help but flash back to when Talia and I had been friends. Once he broke her heart, our entire dynamic changed and instead of the confident, extroverted girl I used to listen to music with on car rides home or watch crappy '80s rom-coms with, I was met with a bitter, resentful person in her place. I didn't know Jared had broken up with her until she came up to me in the middle of the hallway on the way to fifth period. It was the last thing she ever said to me before we stopped speaking completely.

"What is going on, Talia? Why are you mad at me, I didn't even know anything about it! I… I would have told you if Jared was going to do something like that!" I exclaimed, my eyes blinking in confusion as I looked at her. Talia's jaw clenched and she let out a bitter laugh. "Save it, Moody. We're done."

"Why…why are you being like this? You know how my brother is, you know it's not my fault!"

"God, I really tried with you, you know that? I mean, I would have never even spoken to you if it weren't for your fuckup brother, but I tried to be your friend. And now after all that effort, I'm the one who looks like an idiot? I can't believe I just got shown up by the only girl in 10th grade who can dress like a total slut without actually being one."

"What the fuck?" I whispered, hurt clenching around my chest as I looked at her in shock. "What…what is your problem? I thought we were…we were friends. Where is any of this coming from? It's not my fault my brother dumped you!"

A tense silence broke out between us, and I felt my stomach drop as I watched my former friend's face contort. Talia's angry expression turned into an infuriated one, and she crossed her arms angrily as she lowered her face into mine. "Your whole family's trash, Cameron. You might think you're "different," people might think you're some quiet, innocent little girl. But you're not. You're just as trashy as your brother, and we can all tell with all those skimpy second-hand clothes you wear. But don't worry, I know you're not a slut, no one would ever want to fuck you."

I thought we had been friends. Talia knew my insecurities, she knew how I felt about my family. She knew that sometimes I didn't like the way I looked, that the way I dressed was one of the few things I actually liked about myself even though I knew not everyone around me understood it. But I had been wrong, and she said it because she wanted me to hurt just as badly as she was.

"Excuse me?" I snapped, my body suddenly feeling a lot warmer than it did a minute ago. "What are you trying to say?"

He looked at me carefully, licking his lips as he tried to figure out how to tame my anger. "Okay, that came out wrong," he asked, his eyes reading mine as realization dawned on him. "Moody, I was… I didn't mean- "

"No, seriously," I demanded, stepping away from him heatedly as I watched his jaw tick nervously. My face burned hideously, and I pulled my jacket closer to myself as if I was trying to hide myself away from him. "Why…Why would you say that?"

Seth swallowed thickly, and he held his hands up in an attempt to calm me. "Moody, I swear. I didn't… I used the wrong word, I wasn't… I wasn't trying to say anything. Honest."

I felt my mouth muster itself into a grimace, hurt passing over my features as I looked at my friend. "You… But you said I looked terrible the other day," I said quietly. His face spasmed in pain at the memory, his shoulders sagging in guilt as I looked at him.

"Moody," he said seriously; his tone morose. "I-I meant to say "flimsy," and I know… look, we were joking back and forth, and I was still- "

"Y-You keep commenting on my appearance," I said angrily. "Do you…do you have a problem with the way I look, or something?"

"No! No, I… I misspoke, I didn't mean to offend- "

"So what… you think I'm sort of slut or something? Because of the way I dress?"

Seth groaned in frustration, his hands flying up to his face as he tried to grasp for the right words to say. "I keep… I keep messing this up," he said, his voice exasperated as his fingers dragged at his skin. "I'm such an idiot."

Even though I was still pissed off, my stance softened a little bit as I watched him frown in annoyance. "Moody, I'm sorry. Please believe me, I didn't mean to say that word. I'm just dumb and I didn't think before I spoke. I'm not trying to imply anything… you… I would never think something so horrible about you."

I looked down at my boots, not sure how to respond as we waited in an awkward silence. I suddenly wanted to go home, I didn't want to be at the beach or anywhere near another person that could see me. I wanted to be locked in my room with my headphones pulled over my ears. I felt insecure and I wanted the ocean to pull me in and wash me out to sea so I could leave this conversation.

"Okay," I said simply, my voice carefully devoid of any emotion as I looked away from him. "It's whatever."

Instead of taking the "out" I was giving him, he looked even more confused and tired than before.

"No, it's not whatever, Moody. I… I really, really didn't mean it. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. Again. God, I'm such an idiot," Seth confessed mournfully. "Please don't brush me off, I know I fucked up. You have every right to be angry at me."

I looked at him and I watched the sincere expression on his face, but I still just didn't get it. "I'm honestly just confused, Seth," I said quietly. "I don't know why…I don't understand why you keep saying things about my appearance."

"There is nothing wrong with your appearance, okay? I'm sorry."

Ouch. That wasn't exactly what every girl dreamed of hearing. "There's nothing wrong with the way you look" is still a pretty far cry from, "You're very pretty."

"I… I never said there was. But you obviously want to talk about it."

But just like the last time, as I looked at the dejected gleam in his eyes as he tried to figure out how to fix the mess we were in, I just found myself wanting to move past the situation. I didn't even want to talk about it anymore, it wasn't his fault if he thought I wasn't attractive or that I dressed in a way he didn't like. Those were just facts, and they couldn't be helped. Seth was still my friend, and I shouldn't have been this bothered by something so small. He meant too much to me for one…or two, I guess… of his hurtful comments to get to me.

"Look, why don't we just… forget this ever happened, okay? Let's just forget it. It's fine, I'm not mad," I told him honestly. I really wasn't angry anymore. Maybe a little burned, but I hated seeing Seth's big brown eyes and his sad expression and I just wanted him to be happy again.

Seth looked at me with irritation, much to my surprise. "You keep… you keep doing that," he pointed out, his eyebrows drawn up in concentration.

"What? What now?" I said tiredly. Couldn't we just go back to talking about Halloween costumes?

"You…you keep acting like what I said didn't bother you, but I know it does. So just be honest," he said seriously. "Why are you lying to me? You have the right to be upset, Moody. You don't need to bulldoze over your own feelings. Just tell me you're mad so I can fix it."

I rolled my eyes and threw my hands up in exasperation. "You said something that hurt my feelings, you apologized, and then I forgave you for it. How am I the one at fault, here?" I countered.

"I never said you were at fault, I never…I never even said you were a s-slut but that's what you think I said! I'm just saying I can tell you're mad at me and you're pretending you're not!"

"So tell me what you want me to say, Seth," I demanded. "Because you're making this difficult for me, and I don't want to fight. I'll say whatever you want me to say so we can just move on."

Seth looked at me with an almost wild expression on his face, his hands raking through his hair in frustration. "Oh my god," he barked. "You're… you're doing it again! You're just going to glaze over it like it never even happened!"

I glared at him heatedly, watching the way his face was screwed into something anguished and upset, and shook my head at him. "Why are you trying to drag out this argument?! I just want this conversation to end!"

"That's the problem, Moody, because I know you're upset but you're lying to me and acting like everything's fine. Everything's always "fine" with you. You can be upset, you know! You're allowed to feel things!"

He took a step closer to me, his shoulders hunched in aggravation as he narrowed his eyes at me. "I knew you were mad at me the other day, I know you're mad at me now. Just stop lying to me. I… I hate it when you lie."

"Well, I'm sorry Seth, that I don't respond to everything you do and say the way you would. You're my friend and I'm just trying to be a good friend too, but you clearly want to… antagonize something between us just to prove a point! Just drop it already! What does it matter if I lie, if it fixes everything?!"

I stepped closer to him and searched his expression. Seth looked strange, he was breathing heavily and there was something about his features that looked different in a way I had never seen them. He was gazing at me intensely, but I could see the desperation behind his eyes as he scanned my face. I glared at him.

"I'll always know when you're not being honest with me, Moody. I-I care about how you feel, okay?! If I do something that pisses you off, tell me you're pissed off. If I say something that hurts your feelings, tell me the truth. Because this weird thing you keep doing, where you just sit there and act unbothered? It's driving me crazy!" he said loudly, his face turning red.

"Why? Why do you care so much? My feelings should not matter this much to you! You're driving me crazy!"

I whipped around to start walking away, completely fed up with the conversation, when a warm hand grabbed onto mine and pulled me back.

I was closer than I'd ever been to him, our faces dangerously close to each other as I looked at his expression. There was a tension between his brows as he clenched his jaw tightly, his eyes closed as he tried to take a deep breath. Seth looked like he was struggling with something, his shoulders stiff with frustration and his face pinched. I had never seen him look like this before, like he was unsure of himself and his indecision was paining him. "Your feelings matter more to me than anyone else's, Maggie. Okay? Please stop avoiding me. Stop… stop pretending. I never want to hurt you. Ever."

His chocolate brown eyes flashed open and met mine, his eyes searching mine intensely as our foreheads pressed against each other. "You're not just anyone to me."

"You're not just anyone to me, either," I choked out, my voice heavy with emotion. My stomach was flipping inside out and the feeling of butterflies tingled in my chest. "And your feelings matter, too."

Something inside me was whispering to me, it was yearning. I wanted to make Seth's sadness go away, I wanted to prove myself to him. I wanted him to know that he meant more to me than anyone, that I desperately wanted things between us to be okay because I couldn't imagine what it would be like if he wasn't in my life. I wanted to keep him with me, I couldn't let him slip through my fingers the way so many others had. I… I wanted him to stay with me. I wanted us to belong to each other.

Our noses brushed, and my heart was pounding insanely in my chest. Maybe I hadn't thought about this before, but I… I wanted something to happen between Seth and I right now. I wanted to feel close to him, to feel like I mattered to him just as much as he mattered to me. He was the nicest boy I had ever met, he had been there for me in a way no one else ever had. How wasn't it so obvious before? I liked him, I liked all of him. He was my favorite person, and I was his.

His breath was warm on my face and his face was still scrunched up in aggravation. "I can't," he said huskily.

"Y-Yes you can," I told him quietly. "I… I want you to."

He looked into my eyes again, soft brown meeting cold grey, and his big, warm hands cupped either side of my face. His hands were slightly callused and rough, and his thumb brushed against my cheekbone softly as he took another unsteady breath.

I leaned upwards, standing slightly on my toes in an effort to reach him as I tried to figure out what to do with my hands. As I started to flail a little awkwardly, suddenly I felt a warm pair of lips against mine, and my eyes closed.

It was like I had been shocked with a million volts of electricity coursing through my body. Everything about Seth, just like I knew already, was a series of contrasts. Warm and soft while also being rough to the touch, his lips were gentle even though his hands held my cheeks firmly. I felt that same lava-like feeling I had felt before when he touched me, my chest filling with a molten sort of heat that made me feel dizzy. I felt heavy and relaxed while also feeling like I could float away any minute, Seth's hands and mouth the only things keeping my feet on the ground.

I had never kissed anyone before. Seth Clearwater was my first kiss, and I couldn't even feel nervous about whether or not I was doing a bad job because I just felt so good. I felt my heart explode in my chest as my hands grabbed at his shoulders, needing something to anchor me as the butterflies inside of me fluttered crazily. It just felt so obvious, like every other time I had looked at Seth I somehow missed the punchline. How had I not thought about this, when it felt so natural? So right?

Maybe I never thought about Seth in any other way as a friend because I didn't think it was possible, that the fact he even liked me in the first place already seemed farfetched, never mind liking me. Maybe I just never thought anyone would like me enough to want to kiss me, to think I was good enough to share this special moment with. But Seth had been here all along, and I couldn't believe any of this was happening while also thinking that this, this magic between us as we kissed, this was meant to happen.

We both came up for air, breathing heavily as I gaped at him open-mouthed. My eyes were big and glazed over, and I wanted Seth to kiss me again, to make me feel like I was alive the way I had a moment ago. He pressed his forehead back to mine as we tried to regain our breaths, silence passing between us as I tried to submerge myself in this moment.

"I shouldn't have done that," Seth whispered mournfully, his jaw clenched again now that we parted. His hands still held my face firmly, and my eyes widened at his words. "Huh?" I asked dumbly.

"I… I shouldn't have done that."

"I-I w-wanted you to, it's okay," I assured. I wanted his lips to capture mine again, I wanted to feel his warmth and all of the amazing things I felt in that moment. Why was he talking when we could be kissing?

"No," Seth muttered, his voice sounding like gravel. "There's… There's so much you still don't know. Oh Maggie, I'm… I didn't mean to do this, I'm so sorry."

I felt cold.

The feeling of love and tenderness immediately disappeared at his words, and my chest ached so harshly I wanted to scream. I felt the tears burst from my eyes before I even had a chance to hold them back, and the hole in my heart that had filled with something unimaginable only a few minutes ago had emptied into the cold blackness I remembered. I was so confused. What had I done wrong? Didn't he want to kiss me, too?

"…Oh."

I didn't know what else to say as I felt nausea climb up inside my throat, and I just wanted to curl in on myself. I felt sick and ugly and I wished…oh how I wished that I could have one good thing for once. But Talia was right, and Mom was right, too. I wasn't good enough, everyone knew what I was. Seth could do a hell of a lot better than me.

"This is all my fault," he said hoarsely. "I keep fucking up with you. I just can't stop."

"It's okay, I-I understand," I replied as I tried to bite down a sob. Of course I understood, how could I not? I wouldn't want to be with me, either. I… I just felt bad, now. I felt bad that I had encouraged Seth to kiss me when he even said he shouldn't have, I felt bad that I enjoyed it when he clearly had not.

Oh god, what had I done?

Had I just ruined our friendship? Could we ever go back to normal after this? Please god, I prayed inwardly, my eyes closing tightly as tears leaked from my eyes. "Please don't take him away from me. It's okay if he doesn't like me, but please don't take him away."

The pad of Seth's thumb wiped away my tears, and I looked back at his face that was stricken with horror. I couldn't believe I had possibly thrown away the only good thing I had, that he somehow looked like he felt guilty over my actions. I wanted to beg for forgiveness, to grovel on the ground if it meant I could keep him as my friend for just a little longer.

"A-Are we… Are we friends? Still?" I whispered, my eyes wide as tears tumbled down my face. I felt like shit for even asking, like pure, hot garbage for putting him on the spot yet again even though I had obviously subjected him to something so terrible he looked horrified about it.

"Maggie, of course," Seth said with relief, wrapping me up in his arms. I shook horrendously as I tried to take comfort in his warmth, but it wasn't warmth for me anymore. I felt cold and rotted, and I wondered if this is why Talia had been so angry with me after Jared broke up with her. I wanted to scream at the world, I wanted to break something and tear something apart with my bare hands. I would have torn me open too, if I were her.

I understood now.

I let out a shaky sigh, thanking god that somehow I had managed to scrape myself together to be able to maintain some sort of relationship with my friend. I didn't know what to do with myself, and I was so, so grateful I hadn't ruined everything.

But at the same time, an ugliness rose in me that I had felt a few times before. Something biting and mean and cruel that wanted to ask him what was so wrong with me, why I was so unworthy of his affection that he had to apologize for it. I wanted to be desirable and pretty and I wanted to feel how Kim felt, I wanted to feel so strongly about something that I'd be willing to sacrifice anything for it. I wanted someone to want me. No one ever wanted me.

More than anything, I hated knowing that I would never feel the way other girls did when a boy found them irresistible. I would only ever be the girl that lost her first kiss to an accident, a mistake. If Seth would be the only person who could ever bring me close to the surface of that feeling, I would be drowning for the rest of my life as the butterflies inside me turned into heavy rocks weighing me down.

"Thank you," Seth said breathily. "Thank you for understanding. I promise… I promise I'll explain it all soon, okay? I don't… I don't ever want to hurt you."

"I-I know."

I did know. I knew that Jared and Kim hadn't meant to either, but yet there I was, feeling like the rug had been pulled out from under me as I watched the two most important people in my life choose each other over me.

The people I loved never seemed to want to hurt me, yet they did.

If there's one good thing about having people in your life constantly leave you, it's that you can take a ton of notes from them when it comes to wanting to leave yourself.

"I…I-I have to go," I bit out, trying to suppress the sob in my chest. Seth looked at me brokenly, his eyes rimmed red. "Let me take you home."

"N-No," I said seriously. "It's… I-I wanna walk."

"Moody- "

"I-It's fine. It's okay, okay? I… I'm gonna go home now. You…You go home, too."

When I got home after the world's longest and most bone-chilling walk back, I stumbled into my house in a sort of shock as my body trembled. I felt like I was one of those macaroni sculptures we used to make in kindergarten, only being held up by gross, sticky sludge as pieces of me seemed to collapse no matter how hard I tried to hold myself together. I felt disgusting.

"Honey?" said a voice from the living room as I opened the door. "Is that you, Margaret?"

I took one shaky step forward as the door shut behind me, tears streaming down my face uncontrollably as I looked at her. She was in her robe but there was no alcohol in sight, she was just watching Jeopardy on our old television vacantly as she glanced up at me. "What's wrong?" she asked.

She was in a good mood today. That was good, I supposed.

"Mom," I stammered out, my mouth feeling like I had sewn it shut. Her slightly glazed eyes looked at me with concern, and her eyebrows furrowed. "Mom."

"Honey, what is it?"

I couldn't stop myself. I was such a gluttonous creature, willing to take any amount of affection anywhere I could as I collapsed on the rug next to the sofa, crawling forward as my mom sat up and looked at me. I shoved myself towards her, my eyes big and sad as I tried to fight the urge to take such short-lived comfort. Giving in to my own feelings of love-deprivation when Mom was having a good day was a recipe for disaster, like smoking a cigarette and telling yourself you'll only do it once. The feeling of relief you get is too much to sacrifice, you're too selfish, and soon, you find yourself smoking a whole pack. You don't even care that it's killing you inside.

"Mom, n-nobody wants me," I choked out. She shushed me as my head fell into her lap, my arms reaching around her waist as I struggled to keep myself together. I was willing to seek comfort from a person I knew would immediately burn me days later, a decision I knew I'd regret as I pushed myself to believe the delusion that the woman in front of me cared. But in this moment, as I looked at her dark brown eyes that seemed all-too familiar to the ones I was looking into earlier. I was just a girl who took up too much space and didn't know how to make myself fit in a world where I wasn't wanted.

And she was my mother. She was the only parent I had left.

I needed my mom. Even if she wasn't perfect, and even if I didn't always feel like she was mine, she was here and I was too selfish to push her away.

Her hand brushed my hair back as I squeezed her, her other hand rubbing soothing circles on my back as she tried to console me. I cried even harder, knowing this was all temporary and that tomorrow she'd probably go back to hating me. But who was I to pass up such a rare chance?

Her movements were stilted in a way that proved that she wasn't exactly sure what she was doing, and a part of me thought about Sue. How Sue's touches were always sure and kind and grounding in a way my mother's feathery hands were not. There was still a wall between my mother and I even as I embraced her, something was lacking between us despite both of our best efforts to pretend it wasn't there. Hugging mom was an awful lot like when I used to hug my baby dolls as a little girl- just because its plastic arms are around your neck, doesn't mean it's hugging you. Something that's not real can't provide you the comfort you're looking for.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she soothed, her hands stroking my short black locks like she had when I was little. But had her touches always felt this uncomfortable, this strange? Was it from the years of emotional neglect, or was it because my innermost fears were true, that she didn't love me and couldn't even act like she did?

"I'm sorry," she said again, her voice sounding a lot more grievous than before. Maybe she did love me. Someone had to, right?

"W-Why? Why doesn't anyone want me?" I asked her pleadingly, begging her for an answer I wasn't sure she could provide. Her eyes were filled with an indiscernible emotion, and she simply pulled my head back into her lap as she continued to pet me like a stray cat.

It occurred to me that night that she never said she wanted me, either.

A/N: Another ~heavy~ chapter, y'all! I'm sorry if this fanfic is a lot for you guys to handle, but one thing you should definitely know about me is I wouldn't know how to write a fluff piece to save my life. I hope you guys are taking care of yourselves as you read this, there's a ton of amazing fluffy pieces on this website! This is just not one of them. I write from a very personal place, and I love seeing your comments talk about the realistic way I portray feelings because I try really hard to bring a sense of realism, even if it's all fictional. Please please leave a review! Love you all!

Love always,

Fairylight2003