"Friendly Reminder (Again)"
By Kpmh2001
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Subject: Updated Protocols (Continued)
From: Lieutenant Commander John Bradford
To: All
This is a continuation of a previous message intended to update all UNSC Personnel and allies as to new or otherwise altered protocols. Those of you who have not read the original are to do so at once, it is mandatory reading for all personnel.
Following additional events and certain regrettable transgressions by UNSC Personnel or their allies, the following protocols are now in effect:
26. Voodoo Squadron are no longer allowed to play music in their cockpits in the middle of battle. You are flying one of eight starfighters in existence, please have a bit of respect for your spacecraft.
26a. Even if it's from Top Gun, actually, especially if it's from Top Gun.
26b. No "American Pie" either.
26c. There are no exceptions to this rule, stop submitting requests.
26d. Pelican Pilots are also not allowed to play music in their cockpits in the midst of combat, yes, even if it's "Flight of the Valkyries".
26e. I would like to address the "loophole" to this regulation that Fireball discovered. Just because you play the music from external speakers doesn't mean that you aren't violating the regulation. It's the spirit of the thing.
26f. Following the viral spread of Fireball's "Music Video" on the CCTS, we are looking into re-evaluating this regulation in certain circumstances.
26g. No Lieutenant Oswald, we do not need to use your ancient record collection, although we appreciate the offer.
26h. Tankers are also not allowed to mount loudspeakers on their Tanks for the sake of playing "Marching through Georgia" or anything involving heavy metal.
27. Do not start Communist Uprisings.
28. If you are going to do shots with Atlesian Troopers, do NOT give them grain alcohol.
28a. I don't care if "they can handle it" you're still pouring them poison in lieu of a drink, knock it the hell off.
28b. Any Atlesian Troopers stationed aboard the Dominion (or any other UNSC installation) are not authorized to drink grain alcohol of their own accord either. I understand that your Aura prevents any lasting damage, but your health is still our concern.
28c. Stimpacks are meant to be used to extend a soldier's effective time that they can fight in the field, they are not "alcohol enhancers".
28d. Following a very large number of concerned messages from Atlesian Officers, I would like to remind everyone that just because Stimpacks are not addictive doesn't mean that you should be doing them without orders.
28e. Usage of Stimpacks is not mandatory, UNSC personnel are permitted to reject their usage for religious, ethical, or health reasons, and this applies to Atlesian Soldiers issued with them. That being said, if you think that you can fight for forty-eight straight hours without stopping on your own, maybe reconsider your abstinence.
29. Stop trying to woo Specialist Schnee. If I catch one more lovestruck Jarhead with a Guitar outside of her quarters, I swear to god I'll [REDACTED]
Note from Commander Miller: While I recognize that Lieutenant Commander Bradford's initial comment was rather… gruesome, I will remind you all that Specialist Schnee is not interested in dating any of you. And if you think that doing this is somehow a "prank", I will give her Carte Blanche to return the favor as she sees fit. Feel free to ask Private Herman how that went… as soon as we figure out how to thaw him out.
30. Stop bringing megaphones into public relief missions. If your mission is to purify a well or resupply a clinic with modern medicine, you do not need to demonstrate Mongolian throat singing to the locals in the process. Even if they think it's interesting to listen too.
30a. On a related note, stop using the sterile field generators to clear the fungus out of caves. I don't care if it makes a "cool sound" when it all explodes, that is military grade engineering equipment, not a toy.
30b. Overclocking it to kill mosquitoes worked ONCE, do not try it again! Doctor Chase says that improperly using those can maim/sterilize you, so for the love of god, knock it off. And before anybody asks, no, they are not rated for use in combat.
31. Hornet Pilots are to stop taking sponsorship deals for ad space on the side of their aircrafts.
31a. This rule now extends to all pilots.
31b. And Tankers… Why would a cardboard manufacturer want ad space on your Grizzly?
32. Lieutenant Oswald is no longer allowed to share Earth-based entertainment media during Press Conferences, particularly anything involving slapstick.
32a. Even if Remnant's people think that it's really funny.
32b. Thomas, if you can find me a genuinely good reason to introduce Remnant to "Tom and Jerry", by all means, share it with the public. Otherwise, this rule stands.
32c. Whoever uploaded all of "Wipeout" to the CCTS, I would like to remind you that Remnant is full of people that are practically begging for an excuse to get themselves hurt, please don't encourage them.
32d. I would like to remind all staff that there is no point to sharing practically any video game with Remnant's people via the CCTS, as almost none of them have the necessary computers to run them.
32e. This does not mean that Zulu Company's bi-weekly gaming tournament is canceled, and yes, it was funny watching Mags beat all of you at pretty much every racing game you could throw at her. I'll be participating next time for certain, let's see how she fares at Risk.
33. Unauthorized use of the fabricators remains prohibited. They are the only examples of modern production machinery currently in existence, we need to plan their usage carefully for the foreseeable future.
33a. As much as I was hoping to avoid addressing this, yes, I am talking about the "confetti incident".
33b. 3-D printing copies of Huntsmen Weapons is prohibited.
33c. ARM ammunition is available upon request, you do not need to make your own homemade gravity ammunition (that's just a bad idea people).
33d. Dust is inherently incompatible with the fabricators, so don't even think about it.
33e. For the last goddamn time, no, the fabricators cannot produce any sort of biological entity. (Just to clarify for any Remnant-native personnel, cloning is very real, and it is full of reasons why doing it frivolously is a bad idea)
34. PFC. Freeman and Corporal Magnusson are no longer allowed to operate the Mess Hall microwave following some very poorly-made decisions on both of their parts.
35. Any service-people who practice ANY faith are highly advised to avoid discussing their beliefs with Remnant's inhabitants. Remember, these people don't know about Earth's ancient history, so a lot of things probably won't make sense to them.
35a. Following extensive research by Chaplain Jensen, apparently regulation thirty-five is in error. Somehow, it appears that most major Earth-based religions already have a presence of some form on Remnant… make of that what you will.
35b. No Crusades or Jihads, behave.
35c. No using advanced technologies to create "miracles". Remember, Remnant is very culturally sensitive, and as outsiders we should respect that!
36. Gunnery crews are no longer allowed to demonstrate the function of a coilgun using live fire drills, regardless of ammunition used.
36a. Your weapons are not built to launch silverware, so don't use it as ammo.
36b. Following the involuntary usage of Corporal Paige's trumpet as ammunition, all live fire drill requests must be run through myself as well Lieutenant Gage.
37. All UNSC installations have appropriate designations that all UNSC personnel should be using. They are not to be referred to as:
-Camp Half Blood
-Uncle Sam's Bait and Tackle
-The Shire/ Bag End
-Mordor
-The Alamo (The underpants with the Texan flag printed on them have been removed from the flagpole)
-Detroit
-Reach's Trash Bin
-The Old Mormon Fort
-Verdun
-Fort Sumter (Please try to remember that not all UNSC Personnel are fully educated about the First American Civil War, let alone Remnant-Native Personnel)
-Helms Deep
-Platform Nine and three quarters (hold on, we're logging an extra rule here)
38. No Callsigns are allowed to draw from Harry Potter for inspiration. (If you're going to read 500 year old urban fantasy for inspiration, could you be bothered to pick something that's actually good?)
Reminder for the uninitiated; it is a tradition aboard the Dominion for all unit callsigns to relate to Fantasy and Mythology, although this is not an official restriction, it is highly encouraged (come on, it's harmless fun! If my wrinkly old ass can laugh at it, so can you.)
38a. Yes, I am exploiting my position of Command to prevent you from effectively celebrating your love of bad fiction, sue me. Also, everything from that damn series is way too hard to say over a radio anyway, so I doubt any of those suggestions would get accepted anyhow.
38b. If you want your callsign to be Gryffindor, just have it be Griffin or some other variation of the word.
38c. Thomas, we will not be having a discussion about the merits of Harry Potter using the priority message system, come talk to me in my office.
38d. Following an extensive debate with Lieutenant Oswald and an executive decision by Commander Miller, Harry Potter-related callsigns are reluctantly permitted, just don't expect me to be happy about it.
39. Uploading images of the painting "Saturn Eating his Son" to art forums on the CCTS is no longer permitted.
39a. Private Shen, the Vacuo Art Society has taken a special interest in your "submission". As your punishment, you will be accepting their invitation to contribute a similar piece of your own creation.
39b. Fine, I'll admit it. Private Shen's "Brute Eats his Grunts" is truly revolting, but very impressive given the time constraints and lack of proper paints. The VAS is very happy with your contribution Private, I hope it was worth it.
39c. Numerous other art societies across Remnant have approached us asking to catalogue any further submissions that we may have. Due to our funding issues, we will be accepting these offers on a case by case basis. Any submissions that you wish to make must be run through Curie before they are approved for submission.
39d. You only get to keep the money if you make the pieces, take a page out of Private Shen's book, get creative!
39c. Yes, we're keeping the proceeds from the non-original pieces that we sell for the UNSC budget. But on the grounds that we use that money to pay you all and keep you fed and equipped, stop bitching.
40. UNSC personnel are no longer allowed to log data request forms under the names of their Atlesian Allies.
40a. This cuts both ways Atlesians, bear in mind, Curie can see anything you search for.
40b. Remnant-Native personnel are advised (and encouraged) to do their own research on Earth-Based history. But please, keep in mind, some topics are still fresh in our minds, making it really uncomfortable when you ask about them (The Covenant comes to mind).
41. UNSC Personnel are no longer permitted to claim that fictional monsters are real to trick Remnant Natives.
41a. This includes everything from the SCP Mythos, come on people, that's just not nice.
41b. Airman Patrick has had the bigfoot costume confiscated, Naval Personnel will no longer have to worry about amushes.
41c. While I don't approve of how Sergeant Benjamin responded, I believe that Corporal Harrison should have known better than to "prank" a Spartan while wearing a Grimm outfit. Let this be a warning for anyone else who feels a need to have more broken bones.
42d. I don't know who is responsible, or where you got the Tarantula, but for the love of god, you should have known better than to try something like that in a Fuel Depot.
43. Mags is no longer allowed to use Saltwater in conjunction with her Semblance as a Hydraulic Fluid for any vehicle, machine, or weapons system.
43a. For added clarification, her Semblance means that Saltwater actually acts as an even better hydraulic fluid than standard issue. In fact, she can prevent the Saltwater from doing any damage to the system at all. This rule is being instituted because the Marines won't stop trying to beat her "sweetest jump", which they literally cannot.
43b. On a related note, Mags is no longer permitted to modify Saltwater so that it looks like Wine. Just because Private Jensen asked doesn't mean you should try to replicate biblical miracles, especially if it results in our Chaplain drinking Saltwater.
423. The blue thousand-liter tank in the Port Hangar Bay is not to be tampered with for any reason, we are keeping that for Mags to use in an emergency.
44. Please, use caution when sharing Earth-based music with Remnant natives, especially barkeepers. Nobody wants to listen to "Livin' la Vida Loca" that many times.
44a. Yes, Tchaikovsky did record some of his music with actual cannons. I would like to remind all artillery elements that they are not Tchaikovsky and should focus on hitting their targets rather than their musical aptitude. Knock it off.
44b. This rule applies to air crews as well (impressive ballad, Voodoo squadron).
44c. Following "The Battle of the the Dancing Dinosaurs", this rule has been rescinded EXCLUSIVELY for members of Spellmaster Squadron on the ground that their Vultures are unusually well-suited to "making the enemy get groovy". Footage of the event is available upon request at the Mess Hall.
45. Please do not tell Atlesian Personnel that Fraternization Regulations do not apply within storage closets (or when the cameras are off).
45a. I want to reiterate that this rule applies to UNSC Personnel as well. Fraternization Regulations are still in effect even when you're locked in a tiny metal box (I understand that it's private, but that's hardly romantic, now isn't it people).
45b. Atlesian Personnel curious as to the specifics of Fraternization Regulations are encouraged to consult Sergeant Spain or Sergeant Fairfire with any questions you may have. Overall, just keep it professional and off of Duty Hours and we won't have any problems.
46. Specialist Schnee is no longer permitted within a three meter radius of the ice machine in the Mess Hall for the sake of the safety of the Cooks. (Winter has clarified that the associated incident was unintentional, all injuries have been treated and forgiven)
47. It has recently come to the attention of certain UNSC Personnel that the Atlesian Military does not name their gunships. While helping Atlesian Pilots christen their strike craft is certainly an admira goal, encouraging them to name their gunships after sexual euphemisms is inappropriate and now forbidden.
47a. Bad puns are also not permitted suggestions (besides, they're flying gunships, not punships).
47b. The UNSC Say My Name already exists, you cannot use that.
47c. So does the UNSC Mild Inconvenience.
47d. At the express request of General Ironwood, no naming suggestions may include references to Earth-based conflicts (nothing specific anyway, general stuff like "Kilroy" is perfectly fine)
47e. BoatymcBoatface is not fine.
48. Do not use Air Dust to clear clogs in the plumbing. I don't care how effective it is, you morons nearly knocked off Lieutenant Gage's head with a wad of solid cooking oil.
48a. This applies to the toilets as well. (I bet you there isn't another ship in the Fleet that has to remind its personnel not to use IEDs to clean toilets)
48b. Using Fire Dust to heat MREs is a very bad idea, don't. Burn cream is now being issued on a Platoon Basis for those who learned this the hard way.
48c. Gravity Dust is exceptionally dangerous and should not be toyed with. Specialist Winter is still doing classes on how to properly employ this specific type of Dust in battle. It is also not to be used for practical jokes.
48d. Any rumors that we are testing a Gravity-Dust assisted Jetpack are to be denied and dismissed.
48e. Rumors are rumors people, I can't confirm anything.
49. All UNSC Tankers are advised to preserve High-Explosive Anti-Tank ammunition whenever possible due to difficulties in manufacturing replacement rounds. That being said, Corporal Henry's homemade Dust Hybrid "High Explosive Anti Everything" Round proved to be surprisingly effective. Additional prototypes are being considered for production.
49a. Collateral damage is to be kept to a minimum in all circumstances, even if the property in question was formerly owned by the Schnee Dust Company. I'm talking to you Crusader Company, I don't want to see another "Dust Geyser" situation.
50. Explosive ordnance is not to be used to go fishing.
50a. Regular ordinance is not to be used to go fishing.
50b. Yes, Sergeant Benjamin managed to subdue a Grimm Shark in hand to hand combat. No, you are not allowed to try and do the same.
50c. Rules 50 and 50a are no longer in effect whenever the fish in question is actually a Grimm. As for regular fish, the rules still apply.
50d. Lieutenant Jorge has already shared the Clam Recipe in the Dominion's database as the "Linda Special". It is available to download for all personnel, including non-UNSC operatives. Please, stop emailing me about it.
50e. Ordnance is not to be used to pry open giant clams (do you guys not have crowbars?)
50f. Mags is no longer allowed to use her Semblance to throw PFC. Winters into the air.
50g. Crabs do not count towards your units kill roster, nor do they count as "armored targets".
50h. Do not eat sand (You people are going to give me a goddamn aneurysm)
More will follow as needed (This is not a challenge, stay safe and follow orders, we have a job to do).