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Inuvember 2020

November 7th

Kikyo

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Kikyo sighed silently as she watched Inuyasha's nervous approach. Everything about his body language screaming he no longer wanted to answer her summons but felt the need to do so against his better judgment. An addict needing a fix. Just one last hit. Something to help him escape reality for just a fleeting moment.

And he hated himself for it. It was obvious he cared deeply for his reincarnation- probably more than he'd even admit to himself. That he was trying to figure out why he kept coming back for more when the only thing he ever received was pain. Kikyo knew coming to see her caused him to strain the friendships he'd created. Strain the relationship with Kagome he'd literally die to protect. It was hopelessly sad that he was incapable of moving on.

"Inuyasha..."

The half-demon took a deep breath as he began a somewhat random line of questioning.

"Whatever it is can wait. I need to ask you something," he interrupted and Kikyo waited expectantly.

"Have you ever tried to kill Kagome?" Inuyasha asked wearily as he stopped what she presumed was meant to be a safe distance away, "When you trapped us in that illusion a few months ago. Did you mean to kill her?"

"Did she not tell you herself?" Kikyo asked indifferently - it was hard to feel much of anything anymore. Well except hatred. And longing. But all souls trapped in such an unnatural way would undoubtedly be...

"She won't tell me. And then a few weeks ago I smelled you on her again, stronger that time, but she wouldn't tell what happened then either," Inuyasha admitted begrudgingly before sighing and pressing onward, "But I need to know."

"And why is that?" Kikyo asked calmly and Inuyasha fidgeted.

"Why won't she tell me or why does it matter?" he asked - an obvious bite to his tone.

"Either."

Inuyasha set his jaw and glared.

"Why she won't tell me is her business. I can't speak for her," he finally responded after obviously giving his answer some deep thought, "And it matters because I promised to protect her. I need to know if I've got you to worry about."

"Obviously my actions did not concern you at the time," Kikyo hummed as she gave him a condescending smirk, "That was many months ago and this is the first time..."

Inuyasha shook his head and clenched his fists.

"I just...I just didn't want to...I didn't want to believe that..."

He paused and swallowed thickly.

"When you did all of that, was it because of me?" he followed up hesitantly, "Because you hated me then?"

Kikyo didn't affirm or deny any of the accusation and in response, Inuyasha's ears plastered against his head. The shock and then pain in those expressive amber orbs rather surprising.

"Did..." Inuyasha seemed to struggle for a moment before pressing onward, "Did, at any point, you know, since you came back...did you love me? Even a little?"

Kikyo knew this question would one day come. Inuyasha certainly would not like the answer.

"No. No I did not."

One could hear a pin drop in the silence that followed before Inuyasha sighed shakily - obviously trying to shake this latest emotional blow off like it was nothing.

"Well..." he began thickly before clearing his throat and trying again, "Well that isn't important. What matters is that you're not the only one I promised to protect. And...and Kagome..."

"I don't see how any of this is relevant," Kikyo interrupted with a bored sigh, "Any vow you made unto her is secondary. Why does your promise to her..."

"It just does dammit," Inuyasha snarled as he squared his shoulders and demanded with a wavering voice, "Now answer me dammit. Did you try to kill her? That day with the illusions did you..."

"Yes."

Deflating visibly, Inuyasha nodded like he knew that was the answer all along but pressed onward with his head held high. Trying his very best to look powerful and confident. He failed, of course, but...

"And did you try to kill her a few weeks ago?"

Despite his attempts to seem intimidating, there was something so defeated about his countenance. A sadness she had never seen before but it was the mention of the incident to which he referred that somehow tugged at her unbeating heartstrings.

'Then why did you save me?'

'Because a certain guy we both know would be heartbroken if you weren't around."

'Same for you.'

"No. No I did not,," Kikyo offered quietly as a bit of her lingering feelings for the boy standing before her decided to come out to play.

"But she got hurt. I know she did. She...she smelled off like she does when...," Inuyasha trailed off as he narrowed his eyes in suspicion, "What happened then?"

"Ask her yourself."

"I told you she won't tell me," Inuyasha huffed in frustration as he gestured at the undead priestess, "Because she has it in her head I'll...maybe she thinks I'll let her die to save you or something stupid. That I won't take her side."

"She is correct."

Inuyasha paled slightly and didn't comment for a excruciatingly long minute.

"Do you...do you know how many times I've defended you?" Inuyasha huffed as he ran his fingers through his hair, "Left my friends for you? Put them in danger because of you? I...and all this time you..."

Inuyasha ran his claws over his scalp.

"I loved you, ya know?" Inuyasha continued as he huffed and looked up at the canopy, "I would've done anything for you and you just...since you came back you've just shit all over me and...I mean did you ever love me? Not since you got brought back but before...don't you remember that at all?"

A memory of the love she once had for him helped make her path clear. In that moment, Kikyo realized she'd have to break this man before he could move on. Before he could find true happiness.

Kikyo let out a long sigh.

"Why would anyone love a half-breed? You served as an escape from a life I despised. Any feelings I had towards you were borne out of convenience rather than something as trivial as love,," she replied and she watched his heart shattered. The pain in his eyes nearly making her take that statement back but that would be a disservice.

"You know, I think..." he replied numbly as he nodded in a resigned fashion, "I think I knew that."

Closing his eyes for a moment as he tried to compose himself, he mumbled so softly she almost didn't hear.

" I knew that."

"In any case, I have summoned you here to..."

"I'm not going to respond again," Inuyasha cut her off definantly - getting a second wind from yet another emotional blow and responding the only way he knew how - with anger, "I'm not going to leave her again. Screw you."

"You will," Kikyo taunted as she tried to keep her tone as convincing as she could, "You promised to..."

Vibrating with checked rage, Inuyasha clenched his fists so tightly his knuckles turned white. For a moment, Kikyo thought he'd take back his promise but instead the response she got was pathetically sad.

"Don't you think I know that?!" Inuyasha barked bitterly before trailing off and trying again, "I swore to protect you so I have to, don't I? I just meant I won't come for no..."

"You will come when you are..."

"Kikyo the only thing I have is my word," Inuyasha talked over her in an angrier tone than Kikyo had ever heard directed at her, "I promised to protect you. So I will If you're being attacked, I'll defend you and I'll kill Naraku but that's it. I'm not going to follow you for..."

"You will come for reasons other than protection," Kikyo opined, "And you cannot protect us both."

A fierce determination suddenly flowed behind his eyed.

"Watch me."

"You will fail her as you failed me,," Kikyo answered as the memory of her love became more pronounced. There needed to be a final nail in her coffin. A push to make his way forward clear. For far too long, he'd held onto a memory. Held onto a dead woman who couldn't love him now even if she tried. Love no longer existed. Just a shadow of the emotion. A nostalgic memory.

"No I won't!"

Must he be so stubborn.

"Kagome will die due to your negligence," Kikyo taunted in that same cold, indifferent tone, "And because she is a pale imitation of myself. Her powers..."

"I'm not going to fail her," Inuyasha bellowed angrily, "Why are you being like this? What did I ever do to you?"

"You failed me. And you will fail her, She means nothing to..."

"Just shut up! You don't know what you're talking about," Inuyasha snapped, "Kagome means everything to me. I'd die before I'd let her get hurt."

"Then I feel sad for you," Kikyo countered softly, "Throwing away your life for women who don't love you. What a pathetic existence."

Inuyasha's nostrils flared as hurt overrode his judgment.

"Kagome is different. She was born for me," Inuysha scoffed before he could process the ramifications of his hurt fueled rage, "And I was born for her. You ever try to hurt her again and I'll end you."

With that he turned to leave without sparing even a glance over his shoulder. A few short weeks later Kikyo's predication came true. Kagome very nearly died while he went searching for a corpse. Unable to stop himself he'd put Kagome in the way of danger unnecessarily and nothing had ever terrified or motivated him more.

Strangely, this turn of events brought about a strange peace in the undead priestess. Almost comforting in its own way. One less thing trying to trap her to this world. In order for either of them to move on, Inuyasha had to let her go.