Chapter 17

Staggering out the door, Bucky stumbled over his own feet and caught himself against the wooden railing. Taking in deep gulps of air; he felt his heartbeat wildly in his chest and called himself ten types of fool for putting Maddie in danger by staying through the night. The memory of the small slice on her pale neck and the slow trickle of blood as it traveled down the blade had Bucky gagging. Guilt, shame, and anger gripped his heart, almost bringing him to his knees and he tightened his grip on the wood until he heard an ominous groan.

The duffle bag over his shoulder slid down his arm, jarring him away from his spiraling thoughts and he clumsily pushed himself away from the railing. "What the fuck am I even doing here?" Shoving the bag back into place, he squared his shoulders and looked out into the forest. "I'm nothing but a killer," clenching his jaw, Bucky bit out through his teeth, "and I won't drag Maddie down with me." With his mind made up, he moved towards the stairs but didn't get more than a few feet away when dread, icy cold, moved down his spine, freezing him in place again.

Suddenly the reality of what he was about to do hit him like a blow. Everything he would be giving up on; forcing both of them to give up on, flashed before his eyes. A semi-normal life full of love, passion, and friendship with his soul mate, having the opportunity to learn every little thing about her from her favorite color and her dreams for their future to the more intimate details that made his blood heat in his veins. The peace she would bring his battered soul as he held her a night then again when he woke up to her snuggled up against him.

The holidays, birthdays, the random lazy weekends where they could just sit on the porch at the end of the day and be a normal couple. The beautiful "apple pie" life he used to think about while he was lying in a muddy trench somewhere in Europe while bullets whizzed by over his head; everything came crashing down around him. Tears welled in his eyes and his chest squeezed the breath from his lungs as the bleakness of his future stretched out before him.

Yesterday morning Bucky had been secure in the knowledge that his soul mate had most likely died while waiting for him. And with HYDRA's control still active in his brain he had been ready, willing even, to go through the rest of his life, wandering from country to country, alone. He didn't know that she was alive, didn't know that there was anything left in his miserable life to give up on. But now everything was different, his soul mate was alive; Maddison Rose Westbrook was alive. He knew where she was and even when she returned home, he knew where she lived. And to top it all off she wanted to be with him, wanted to start a relationship with him. When he left today, he would be not only giving up any chance at happiness for himself, but he would also be breaking his soul mates heart.

How would he be able to maintain that level of restraint for decades? The thought of Maddie in any level of distress was unacceptable to Bucky but to know that he would be the cause of it physically hurt; Bucky pressed his metal hand against his heart trying to push away the sharp sting of pain.

"Fuck, I'm damned if I leave and damned if I stay!" Growling in frustration, Bucky stood, rooted to the spot.

"Bucky?" Maddie's sweet sleepy voice called out to him from inside the cabin and he turned back sharply, staring at the door. The jostled weight of the bag, on his back, bumped against him and Bucky heard the clattering of guns, ammo, and knives as they clinked together. Weapons, that's all he had besides a change of clothes; stolen weapons from a battle against an Avenger and an American icon that would go down in history. "Fuck." He muttered to himself as he sighed in resignation; it was now or never. With one final look over his shoulder at the closed door; Bucky bent his knees and vaulted over the railing, landing with a wet thug on the muddy ground below.

The rain was coming down in buckets and he was instantly soaked. Rising slowly to his feet, Bucky shook his wet hair away from his face, adjusted the duffle bag over his shoulder, and began running into the woods. It was more difficult than it had been the previous day, now that Maddie had increased the plant growth, and the rain wasn't making it any easier, but he trudged through the mud, ignoring the foliage as he went.

He planned on making a few sweeps of the area to look for signs of any unwelcome guests then leave her in peace. But before he could go far enough away to start his sweep, the faint sound of Maddy's voice caught his attention and he froze as her plea for him to come back broke his heart.

'Don't look back, don't look back, don't you fucking dare look back, soldier. You need to leave before you hurt her again.'

Thanks to his enhanced hearing, he knew when her voice broke, knew when she sucked in a harsh breath, and released it on a shaky exhale, and he hated himself for doing that to her.

His heart and mind both told him to go back, he wanted to hold her, get to know the beautiful woman that was supposed to be his, but his body took a step then another and another till he couldn't hear her anymore. The need to go back to her, to run all the way back to the cabin, to lock the door and never leave again was so strong that it felt like something was physically pulling him back.

Using an old technique, he had learned to spare his mind from the nightmarish HYDRA missions; Bucky blocked out every single thought from his head and just walked robotically through the forest. The rain continued to beat down on him, soaking him through to the bone within minutes, but it didn't matter, he had a mission and the Soldier always completed a mission.

.

.

He numbly walked for hours, robotically putting one foot in front of the other as his heart fought to pull him back, but nothing stopped his progress as he trekked through the drenched forest. Sloshing through the mud and making his way over rocky slopes; Bucky walked as the morning past into the afternoon then slowly into the night. The rain never let up, soaking him to the bone, but it didn't matter. He had long ago pushed away any discomfort from his cold wet clothes; no, it was the painful tugging of his heart that he couldn't seem to push away.

Finally, when it got too dark for even him to see, Bucky stopped, set down his bag, and slid down the trunk of a large tree, groaning when his stiff body met the cold hard ground. Rubbing his tired eyes, he pushed his wet hair away from his face and leaned back to look up at the heavy canopy overhead. Tiredly, he dug a hunting knife out of his bag; the familiar reassuring weight of it in his hand, along with the four other blades on him and the guns in the duffle bag, help Bucky relax enough to dozed lightly on and off throughout the next hour. But gradually sleep claimed him, and he was sucked back down into the darkness of his mind.

.

Cold concrete surrounded Bucky as he walked stiffly down a hallway. Harsh fluorescent lights lit the tight corridor in a dull yellow while random doorways were bathed in deep black shadows. Slowly he walked, the only sound coming from the buzzing bulbs overhead and his heavy footsteps.

'What am I doing here?'

The hallway looked familiar, but he couldn't quite put his finger on where he was. Stopping to look around, he reached out and turned the handle of the closet door and pushed it open. It swung into the room smoothly and only stopped when it hit the opposite wall. Looking in, Bucky was surprised to see a deep blackness engulfing the room. The light from the hall couldn't penetrate the dark shadows and even with his enhanced sight, he couldn't see anything in the room. The next two rooms were the same, and Bucky grew nervous at his lack of insight into his surroundings.

Walking cautiously down the corridor, he reached slowly for the next door but stopped when a blood-curdling scream of terror penetrated the silence. Whipping his head in the direction of the cry, Bucky stood with his heart in his throat, frozen to the spot. Gradually the lights overhead flickered and dimmed then died one by one till he was standing in almost complete darkness, the only light leaking out from the bottom of a door at the end of the hallway.

He started to slowly move towards the illumination, cautiously putting one foot in front of the other, but everything changed when the scream came again this time sounding like a woman in a great deal of pain. "Maddie!?" Bucky sprinted down the hallway, not caring about anything else but the woman in pain beyond the door.

'FUCK! That sounded like Maddie! Why is she here? What is happening to her? MOVE SOLDIER!'

It seemed to take forever to reach the door but when he did, Bucky threw himself against it, using all his weight and momentum to knock the door clear off its hinges and sending it spiraling into the room. The situation that greeted Bucky made him sick. His eyes widened in horror and bile rose in his throat at the sight of his soul mate strapped down to the…chair…the same chair HYDRA had put him in so many times. The torturous chair that would burn his mind tell he couldn't think straight, and nothing would make sense; till he couldn't remember anything.

"Akh, kak raz vovremya. Teper', kogda vy zdes', soldat, my nachnem."

Turning sharply, Bucky recognized the man in the white lab coat addressing him. Another scream brought his attention back to Maddie and fury flooded him at the sight of her in the chair. Roaring out in anger, Bucky tried to help her, but he couldn't move. He tried to attack the man, the scientist, that was still standing next to him, but again he couldn't move. His anger turned to horror when he realized what was happening. He tried to open his mouth, move his head, his feet, his arm, a finger, anything, but nothing happened. He was trapped inside his mind again; the Asset was back in control.

'NO!'

He screamed, fighting against the Soldier. He needed to be out there. He needed to help Maddie, she was suffering, and he needed to save her from this torture. Suddenly the man next to him flipped a switch and all Bucky could do was watch as his other half screamed in agony as HYDRA turned on the chair. He felt something snap inside of him as her cries filled his head.

.

Jerking upright, Bucky gasped for breath, panting as he clutched his chest. His heart felt like it was going to break through his ribs as it pounded franticly inside of him. His eyes flew around wildly, looking for Maddie, the chair, or anything that resembled that horrible place, but he was still in the forest, it was still pitch black around him and it was still raining. The sound of the gently falling water as it collided with the leaves overhead helped to bring him back to the present and away from his nightmare. But nothing would ever erase the sound of his soul mates screams of pain and fear, no those would be forever seared into his mind.

Leaning back against the tree, he had fallen asleep on, Bucky felt his eyes begin to burn and he took several deep breaths, trying to calm down, but he knew nothing would help him tonight. What he had just witnessed was too much, so getting to his feet, Bucky slung his bag back over his shoulder and began to walk through the darkness; further away from where he wanted to be.

.

.

On the second night, after another long day of endlessly walking through the rain, Bucky stumbled upon an abandoned campsite with a half-collapsed structure made of branches and leaves, and the remnants of a dug-out fire pit. Cautiously walking around the campsite, he searched for any signs of recent activity; finding none, he crawled under the semi-weather resistant lean-to, tucked his bag into a corner, and collapsed on to the damp ground. He had pushed himself hard today, and while he refused to acknowledge any discomfort or pain from his sore body, he begrudgingly admitted that his wet clothes were beginning to get to him.

Resting his head against his bag, Bucky tried to find a comfortable position but lying on top of several guns, knives, and boxes of ammunition weren't ideal. Grumbling in annoyance, he hung his hat on a branch too, hopefully, dry and tried to get some rest.

.

Someone was in the room with him. Keeping his eyes closed and his breathing deep and even, Bucky stretched out his other senses to try and feel where they were. He heard the sound of slow quiet breathing somewhere close to his right side and felt the slight warmth of a body next to him.

'What the fuck? How did someone get this close without me knowing? Are they here to take me back? Over my dead body.'

Moving slowly, inch by excruciating inch, Bucky slid his hand under his pillow and retrieved the large knife hidden underneath. The smooth leather felt right in his hand as he gripped it and slowly brought it to his side, the weight of the blade resting comfortably against his thigh. Opening his eyes, Bucky was confused by his surroundings, but this wasn't a completely foreign sensation to him. He often found himself in a different facility then the one they kept him in and waking up from cryogenic storage was always a disorienting process.

So, with a calm breath in and a slow exhale, Bucky exploded into action. Jumping up, he quickly moved to straddle the person (a woman) next to him. Pressing his knees down on top of her thighs, Bucky restrained her legs. Then, finding both of her hands, he pinned them in place above her head with his metal left hand before gently but firmly placing the knife against her throat. Lowering his head, Bucky leaned down to whisper menacingly into her ear. "I don't know who the fuck you think you are, or who sent you, but I can guarantee you that this will be the last thing you ever fucking do."

Intending to say more, Bucky was startled into silence when the skin next to his face began to rapidly cool. Growling at her to stay put, he leaned back up to investigate and heard a strange squishing sound from under him. Looking down, he found that he couldn't see anything in the darkness, in fact as he glanced around the room, he discovered that even with his improved sight, he could hardly see more than a foot in front of his face. The darkness of the room was so all-encompassing that even the woman was bathed in deep shadows. Confused by the whole situation, Bucky continued to restrain the woman, who thus far hadn't made a single sound or movement, while he searched his pockets for any form of light. His instincts told him that something was wrong, but he didn't know just how bad it was about to get.

Suddenly and without warning, lights started to turn on all around the room, one on each side of the bed and one from a sconce on the ceiling. Dive rolling on the floor, Bucky landed in a crouch, and, using the mattress for cover, he waited for someone to step into the room or for the woman on the bed to react in some way. Berating himself for giving up his possession of her; Bucky stayed frozen in that spot, but nothing happened. No one stepped into the room, no one called out to the woman or himself, and, even stranger, there was no sound or movement from the bed at all. The only thing that he could make out was an odd dripping sound coming from somewhere to his left.

Searching the floor around him, Bucky expected to find an overturned glass of water dripping onto the wooden boards, instead, he saw a dark thick liquid slowly pooling around him. A drop of the liquid splashed silently into the pool and he lifted his eyes, tracking its route back up tell he watched as a large ruby red droplet rolled across a delicate pale hand, make its way to an extended finger and slowly fall down to the puddle at his feet. The shock had him rising quickly and Bucky took a step back as he witnessed the sight in front of him.

Fresh blood stained the once-white sheets a deep red, saturating them tell the liquid pooled and fell in rivulets to the floor where he had been kneeling. Tremors rocked his body, causing him to shake uncontrollably, and for the first time in his life, Bucky wished he could crawl into his mind and let the Winter Soldier have control. Taking a shaky step towards the bed, he fought his body's impulse to look away and forced his eyes towards the head of the bed.

Several things happened at once, the sharp metallic smell of blood hit him like a punch in the face and the faint sound of the knife falling to the ground with a dull wet thud reached his ears. While, at the same time, his vision tunneled, darkening, and blurring at the edges until the only thing he could see was Maddie lying motionless on the bed with a large hunting knife protruding from her chest. A muffled buzzing filled his head as he stared in confused horror at the knife, he recognized it. It had just been in his hand. It was now on the floor...right? RIGHT?!

Horrified, Bucky stumbled backward, slipped on the wet floor, and caught himself against the windowsill before he fell on his ass. He desperately tried, but was unable, to tear his eyes away from the look of sorrow on her blood-splattered face. His soul mates' dead body lay in front of him and he was frozen to the spot…Dead…Dead…Dead…The word circled around in his brain till its meaning suddenly caught on and he rushed forward. Careful not to touch or jostle the knife in case he hurt her; Bucky lifted her into his arms and sat heavily against the headboard.

"Maddie? You're going to be ok sweetheart, please, I'm back, I'm here. Please." Not excepting what his brain was telling him, Bucky blindly felt for her pulse. Nothing. Hyperventilating, Bucky started to panic. "No, NONONO, Maddie stay with me! No, please Maddie, please." Holding her against his chest, Bucky pressed her hand against his lips. "Come on baby please! Doll, please breathe, please Maddie don't leave me!" A sob caught in his throat and he had to fight for breath as tears welled in his eyes. Cupping her face gently in his hands, Bucky watched in horror as her beautiful green eyes clouded over. "No," He whispered brokenly, pressing his face into the side of her neck he sobbed quietly, begging her to come back. "I'm so sorry doll, please. Oh god, please, please, please come back. Please, oh God I'm so sorry."

Tears fell unendingly down his face as Bucky gently pulled the knife from her chest. Anger suddenly ignited in him, burning white-hot tell it rose in him and burst out in a haunting roar of anguish. At that moment he wanted to destroy that fucking room; to rip the lights off the wall so he couldn't see anymore, smash the windows so that the horrible stench of blood would leave, he would break every piece of furniture till he was too exhausted to think. But his desire to hold her kept him tethered to the spot and he settled on just throwing the knife as hard as he could across the room. He wanted nothing more to do with that fucking thing; Maddie was his whole world and now she was gone. Pulling her closer, he wrapped his whole body around her and broke down, weeping softly as he begged her to come back.

.

.

A break-in the rain finally came during the third day and Bucky took advantage of it by walking till his vision grew fuzzy and his head started to swim, till his body felt like led and he couldn't take another step. The strain of both not sleeping for three days and the nightmares that tormented him when he did manage to pass out for a few minutes, was becoming too much for him to bear. He couldn't go on like this, he already had too much blood on his hands, saw too many ghosts when he closed his eyes; to have Maddie's screams of pain playing over and over in his head or to see the life fade from her eyes, it was too much. He wasn't strong enough to handle that.

Standing at the top of a rocky hill, Bucky looked out on to the vast forest around him. He knew that he would have to set up camp soon or he was going to pass out and end up falling down the slope, but even thinking about going down the incline made his head swim. Looking down, he saw a small rock ladened clearing at the bottom of the hill; thin grass and a few sparse trees growing out from between the pebbles and stones. Not much in the way of cover or comfort but it would have to do, eventually. Dropping his bag, Bucky sat heavily on the ground, legs bend, and arms resting on his knees. Everything felt wrong, the pull to go back was a physical tug at his heart and he could have sworn that his eyes were playing tricks on him. Dropping his head between his bent knees, he took in deep breaths.

BANG

His body reacted instantaneously at the sound of the gunshot from below him. Grabbing his bag, Bucky rolled onto his stomach and pulled a handgun from his hip holster, methodically scanning the area where he heard the shot fired. Twenty tense minutes past in absolute silence before Bucky slowly made his way down the hill, all lethargy and exhaustion were gone as he slipped effortlessly into the persona of a soldier.

Sliding on the layer of small rocks that littered the ground; Bucky made a b-line for a large boulder in between a handful of small trees and, crouching down, he pressed his back against the hard surface. Silently slipping the bag off his shoulder, he unzipped it and retrieved a rifle from inside. Putting the scope to his eye, he swept the area, listening for anything out of the ordinary. Everything seemed normal but he could feel it…something was out there, waiting just inside the tree line.

Suddenly the sound of branches breaking drew his attention and he quickly moved out from cover, running for the trees. The unnaturally dark shadows cast by the dense leaves unnerved him, but running high on adrenalin, he moved quickly through the forest, allowing the darkness to swallow him up. He searched for a while before he heard something again but this time, he knew what it was. The sound of a man crying out in pain froze him solid; he had heard that sound so many times under HYDRAS control, to hear it now in such an ordinarily peaceful place was unsettling.

Circling, he methodically scanned the area but didn't see anything. But no sooner had he lowered the scope from his eye then he heard the man again and strangely enough, it sounded like he was right on top of the guy. Walking a couple more feet, he rounded a large tree, and there in the shadows was a man holding his bleeding leg, calling out to someone in the trees, begging for mercy. A stick cracked in the distance and Bucky turned around, quickly dropping to one knee and readied his rifle. Instinctually he leveled the scope to his eye, scanning the darkness around him but, instead of the forest, he saw the same man lying in the dirt, face contorted in pain.

"Please, I swear if you let me go, you'll never see me again! No one is around, no one will know if you let me go. I won't tell anyone what I know, I'll brick every piece of technology that I have. Please I'll do anything. Please, please!"

Remembering how this encounter ended, he sucked in a sharp breath and lowered the gun. The ghost of the man was gone, leaving him alone in the quickly darkening forest. "Fuck!" With his heart pounding franticly and his breath sawing in and out of his chest, Bucky turned and raced back to his bag. As he ran, he heard them, the screams of his targets, his victims; their pleas of mercy that still haunted him. The short distance back to the clearing seemed to stretch for miles but Bucky pushed himself to run faster.

With his body shaking from adrenalin, Bucky skidded across the rocks and pressed himself, once again, against the large boulder. Breathing in deep gulps of air, he waited for…something, the end maybe. Would the ghosts of his pasts be the death of him? "Wouldn't that be a miserable way to go? Lived through World War Two, was experimented on, became the world's most deadly assassin only to be killed by my own guilt." Annoyed with himself, Bucky looked around the rock towards the woods but saw nothing. Furious that he let himself get so worked up over what was little more than a memory, he stood and glared into the darkness, cursing his fucked-up brain. A scream of frustration welled in his chest and he let it consume him as he fell to his knees. Fuck, he was glad Maddie would never see this, wouldn't know just how messed up he really was.

'Maddie.'

Looking down at his hands, he pressed them into tight fists and exhaled; the memory of her laugh, her smile, and the contentment she made him feel in such a small amount of time would have to sustain his dwindling sanity for the rest of his life. Exhaling from deep in his lungs, Bucky felt the adrenalin that was the only thing keeping him going, leave him and the exhaustion come back with a vengeance. Allowing his body to surrender to his fatigue, he slumped against the rock and stared out into the distance, letting his mind wander.

Slowly, more slowly then he was comfortable admitting, he began to see something moving in the shadows but paid no mind to it. The first figure he wrote off as exhaustion and stress, same with the second and third but when more and more people emerged from the shadows; Bucky jumped to his feet and stared in horror as dark ghostly figures immerged out of the forest. He tried to count them as they made their way slowly towards him, but they flickered and merged together. Sometimes he saw only a hand full, other times there was enough for a small army. Quickly picking up his rifle, Bucky braced himself as they started to surround him, spreading out into a half-circle, cutting off his escape.

Silently he took aim, shooting into the shadowy mob, but it did nothing. Going for headshots, Bucky fired again and again but they continued to surround him. Finally, he just opened fire, not stopping till 30 smoking shell casings lay scattered around him. The unaffected black figures simply watched as Bucky pulled out a pistol and took aim again. He heard their voices then, pleading and crying, begging him to stop.

"Don't come any closer!" He yelled into the crowd, "Just go away! Please it wasn't me!" His own voice was lost in the growing cacophony till the only thing that could breakthrough was the loud cracking bangs of his gun, and even that turned into soft clicks in the end. He watched, disheartened, as the last casing rolled away into the darkness. Then, with shaking hands, Bucky dropped the spent gun on the ground and tried in vain to slow his breathing. He figured that he should meet his end with a little bit of resolution and whatever dignity he had left. The accusations and pleading never stopped. Bucky put his hands against his ears and tried to block it out. "Please just leave me alone, I didn't want to kill you, please it wasn't me!" The roar of voices grew to a climax then stopped suddenly when a soft voice began to speak.

In the eerie quiet his name came to him again in a soft questioning voice. Lifting his gaze, he looked out on to the ghostly mob searching for the source of the sound. The shadows took a step closer and he almost lost it but the sound of someone calling out for him again kept his focus. A soft touch on his arm startled Bucky enough to buckle his knees, dropping him on his ass. Looking up he watched in confusion as Maddie giggled down at him.

"What are you doing? Here let me help you." The silence grew deeper as she reached a hand towards the confused soldier. Blinking out of his stupor Bucky shot up, pushed her behind him, and stood defensively in front of her with his hunting knife up.

"Maddie?! What are you doing here?" The figures around them didn't move but Bucky was ready should they come closer. He didn't know what he would do but they would never get close enough to touch her.

He felt Maddie lay her head on his back and her arms wrap around his waist in a tight hug. "Come back, please." Her sad words cut him deeply.

"I can't, look at this shit! I won't bring this back to you." The arms around him squeezed tighter.

"What shit? What's so horrible that we can't at least try. You're a big strong super soldier, I trust you."

Bucky glanced over his shoulder angrily at her. "What shit? Look around us, this isn't..." he trailed off when he turned back around and saw that they were alone. The shadowy figures had vanished back into the night. "Ghostbusters." He finished weakly.

She snuggled into his back and hugged him one last time before letting go. "Please come back Bucky." Whipping around, he intended to pull her into his arms and hold her close, but she had vanished. He searched for the missing woman, but he knew that, just like the ghosts of his past, she was gone. The silence turned oppressive and he began to struggle for each breath.

So many emotions rushed to fill him; anger, pain, frustration, and the lingering fear, all of it crashing over him in waves. It all built up tell it ripped out of him in a cry of anguish, and without a second thought, he whorled around, struck out with his left arm, and punched the large boulder next to him with all his might. Pain sizzled in his shoulder where the metal connected with his body, but when a large crack snaked up the rock, a feral smile pulled at his lips. Panting, he fell onto his ass, leaned heavily against the abused rock, and dropped his head onto his hands. "What the Fuck do I do now?" Unsure but too tired to form any sort of plan, he let his exhausted body relax and closed his eyes.

.

When he opened them again it was with the startling realization that he was still at the top of the hill, bag unopened next to him, all the guns loaded and waiting to be used. Getting up, his eyes darted around wildly, searching for any signs of last night's events, but in the light of a cold wet morning, nothing seemed disturbed or out of place. Even the boulder he had taken his frustration out on was whole again. "I need to stop dreaming." He muttered to himself, before reaching down to grab his bag. "At least I slept through the night, silver lining."

Turning around, Bucky looked back into the forest, back in the direction where he would find Maddie, and with a long sigh of defeat, he picked up his bag and headed back.

* Russian translation via Google translate- "Ah, just in time. Now that you are here, soldier, we will begin."