The scent of sterilized air always sparks a moment of panic. Every nightmare has the same thin air that burns my nose and throat as I breathe. It makes my head spin. Usually when I wake up the air is so thick I can hardly breathe, reminding me that I'm back in the shelter. I'm as safe as I can be. But the air light enough I thought I wasn't breathing. My heart panics for a few moments before slowing down once my eyes take in the stained white walls and cabinets filled with different kinds of medicine.
I can hear their voices in the background, a familiar blend of low rumbles and snippets of words that I had forgotten. There's been this silence that I hadn't noticed before, and a bubble of guilt clogs my throat. How could I have forgotten them? How could they have left me? Carefully I sit up, waiting for the moment when my ribs shift and the sharp stab of pain cuts right through me. Instead, all I feel is the familiar sting of stitches stretching and tightening as I move.
"Anna, it's time to wake up." The deep rumble of Sung-Joo's voice has me jump a bit, for I never noticed the large body of the demon standing beside Anna's sleeping form.
"Mmm." She shrugs the demon's claws off her shoulders and settles back into another sleeping position. "Five more minutes," Anna mumbles soft enough that it's hard to hear over my own breathing.
"You said that last time. And the time before that." The demon's voice slices through their voices, for the way he speaks is so different and strange compared to how humans talk. "Mister is awake." Though I'm wearing my jacket, I shiver and breathe on my icy hands. It's so cold in here. Colder than the forest and the tunnels. If I couldn't feel my warm breath against my skin, I'd think I was a walking corpse.
"Hey, Yuugo." Dina appears by my side, smiling like there's nothing wrong. Her hands are glaciers against my skin, taking in any warmth greedily. It isn't natural for something to be this frigid. "We couldn't find you. Where have you been?" she asks. Acting all innocent and sweet. As if they weren't the ones that had abandoned me.
I want to cry and yell at them for leaving me again. To ask them where they have been. But there's a warmth that's on the verge of burning my arm right where Dina had been touching, and Anna blinks at me. A lack of sleep has made the child weary, which makes me fret a tad. She should take care of herself better (hypocrisy, I remind myself). "Are you alright? Do you need water?" It's jarring to feel this kind of heat. I forgot how hot things can get when the dead lack warmth.
"I'm fine." The words slip out like air yet carries as much weight as a rock. The tiny girl's eyes droop. She shakes her head of messy hair to wake further. My dry throat aches with each swallow, but I don't ask for any water. Anna seems like she's going to fall over any second. I don't want to give her more work. When my legs work again, I'll get my own glass of water. "You should get some more sleep." I don't know when I grew attached to these children, but my heart is wringing with worry all the same.
Anna doesn't respond right away. Sung-Joo gently nudges her shoulder with his clawed hand, startling her out of whatever trance she had been in. "Oh, right. I'll get you some water. Stay right there and don't move." Before I can say otherwise, she stumbles out the door and leaves it ajar.
Dina is still by my side. Her hands are stone as they brush over my warmed skin, and goosebumps are left in her wake. "You don't look so good," she mumbles, talking to herself again. A habit she has not grown out of. (Had. She's dead.) "Jatte!" Our doctor of sorts walks on over, his eyes quick to search for any injuries. "Yuugo doesn't seem alright. Is he going to be alright?"
"His ribs are broken, but they'll heal fine. Clean fractures, nothing too bad." It's eerie how accurate Jatte is when it comes to injuries. "With those metal plates, it will heal in about four weeks." Jatte's eyes land on the door, and he huffs as if he's holding in a laugh. His little habit whenever he's impressed. "That girl completed your surgery rather well for her first time. I won't have to worry about your dumb ass getting killed with her around." I bite back a retort, trying my best to ignore them. They're not real.
"Hey, Sung-Joo." It is only when the demons hums in response that I realize I don't have anything to say to him. All I want to do is to distract myself from them. "Why did you bring me back here?" I ask at last. The way I said it may have been a bit too harsh or sharp, but I'm too tired to fix my mistake.
Sung-Joo looks way too human when the claws and sharp canine teeth are tucked away. If it wasn't for the inhuman lilting and the deep undertones in his speech, I would have never guessed he was anything but human. "The children came looking for you. You had severe injuries from your battle. Humans cannot regenerate like we can, so you were weak and vulnerable. You had to be returned to this shelter, where it is safe for your kind." It's distracting and a tad comforting how he watches the doorway like Lucas had long ago. "Was it the wrong thing to do?"
"Yes," is on the tip of my tongue the moment he says that, an automatic response. Of course it was the wrong thing to do. An entire list of all the reasons why I should have been left to die out there is ready in the back of my mind. If this question had been asked a month earlier, I wouldn't be hesitating to say so. I wouldn't be questioning if I really do think that.
But now... Now is a whole other story. Now I pause. Now I wonder if I can do it. If I can pull the trigger.
"I don't know," I respond, not liking the silence anymore. It creeps me out.
Anna's apologies can be heard long before she appears in the doorway. "I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to," she repeats, bowing her head over and over. For the most part, Gilda is taking it relatively calmly for someone who's shirt is drenched. Especially when it's so cold.
Gilda's response is muted the moment my vision starts to blur. I feel the need to see my friends' names. Their faces melt away to the point where they all look the same. I don't want to forget them.
"Yuugo?" My name cuts through the background noise. Among a world of colors blended together, Lucas is the the only one with clear, sharp outlines. His voice is sharper than the knives I use yet warmer than those blades.
For once, I want to hear my name again. "Lucas?" What comes out is more of a garble than a name, but I know he appreciates the attempt.
He steps around to the edge of my bed, and I know he's real. He feels too warm. "Yuugo, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have tried to breach your privacy. I just wanted to help you and didn't know how." There are tears in his eyes, and knowing I caused them cuts deeper than any demon claw.
Then he said it. That accursed sentence that will haunt me as badly as my ghosts.
"I don't know what I did wrong, but I promise I won't make you run away again." I don't like to yell at Lucas. But sometimes... "I'll be better." Sometimes he makes me want to throw something.
I grab ahold of his hand to make him look in my eyes. It's hard to do so, but I keep my gaze steady. "It wasn't you. I swear it wasn't, so don't you fucking dare try to tell me it was your fault. Don't you dare take my bullshit with a stupid smile! Why do ya have to be so nice all the damn time?!" The dam breaks, and it takes all of my self-restraint not to scream in his face anymore. "Don't say you're not good enough. It's not true."
The room is empty when I turn away from Lucas and release his hand. They all left. "Do you want to be alone?" Nothing would be more satisfying than smacking some sense into Lucas's head. After pouring my heart out, he still thinks that I don't want him?
In the end, I understand he just wants to know if I need space. "No." There's no way I could sleep at all if he turns away now, wondering how he could've made things right with me. "I don't want to be alone." Those are the only words that slip out easily, for I know that his absence only makes the longing grow worse. Being alone is terrifying. I don't think I can go through it again.
"Then I'll stay with you." His one hand gently brushes against my own, silently asking if I'm okay with this. Since it's Lucas, I let my fingers curl around his hand again, and it's so much warmer than my room. So much warmer than anything else.
"I don't hate ya. You know that, right?" It doesn't matter if Lucas never said it out loud or even implied it because I know him and I know he thinks that way. He may have never said it but it's obvious to me, and I don't want him to think that I hate him. It's not true.
"I know. That's why I want to help you." My mouth opens a bit, trying to form the words to answer his statement. But I don't know the reason why I can't just tell him where it hurts. What makes me want to hide away in my room. The little things that make me cut myself again and again until I forget why I'm mad because my arm hurts more than whatever's stabbing away at me.
I don't know how long he sits beside me while I work up the courage and energy to stand; it doesn't matter in the end. Eventually I manage to stand, and if Lucas has any qualms about me getting out of bed, he doesn't say anything. He doesn't have to.
"I... I want to show you something." It's a spur of the moment. I shouldn't be doing this repeats in my mind. Maybe this wasn't as good as it sounded in my head.
If he didn't know what was happening before, the familiar route tipped Lucas off as to what I was doing. "Wait, Yuugo." I want to stop, but I don't. If I stop, the doubts and fears will catch up to me. "You realize what you're doing, right?" This sudden courage won't last. "You're not thinking straight." A hard tug makes my feet pause, but I do not stop. "We should get you back to bed."
I have to do this. It's unfair to expect Lucas to know how to fix things without knowing how much I've changed. He has the right to know how badly I'm broken. How he's wasting his time trying to put me back together. He needs to know that he is too good for me, that he really shouldn't help me. Yet my words struggle to get out all the same, just like every other time.
So I stop trying to speak.
Everything comes to a pause when my freezing hand lowers enough to hear a faint click. The frigid metal handle bites into my hand as if to tell me not to open the door, chiming in with the fears that start to clog up my head. Then I push the door to my room open with the slightest ominous creak, on the verge of revealing everything without a single word to be said. There's no need. All Lucas needs is one step forward, just one, and then it's over. The only thing left now is for Lucas to choose.
At first, Lucas falters. He takes a step back, probably from shock. But I've spent far too long running away for him to do the same right when I'm trying to make him understand. So I push the door wide open and squeeze his hand despite my own mind screaming at me for how stupid and reckless I am. I don't care. I really don't give a shit anymore. So what if Lucas sees all of my failures? So what if he judges me? So what if he learns how messed up I am? It doesn't matter anymore. Might as well just get this over with so I don't have to hope that Lucas won't reject me any longer.
As the quiet moments pass, however, the reality of what occurred really settles in. I let Lucas see. After all this time trying to figure out how to hide this, how to keep him out, I let him see this room. What used to be my sanctuary. My little spot that no one else could taint. Everything on the walls, every weak moment I've had, is there for Lucas to see.
He takes a step forward, and I can feel his hand release me from its grip. The click as the door closes sounds final, like a bell signaling an approaching disaster. For a moment, I hold my breath and pray to whatever thing up there that this isn't the real Lucas. That I hallucinated again. That this is a nightmare my brain made up, and that I'll wake up soon with an empty stomach and another massive headache. That I didn't make this stupid decision.
The ground is pretty appealing to look at right now. Better than seeing the look of pity on Lucas's face.
His arm wraps around me in a loose embrace, careful and gentle and warm, and I know that this has to be real. That none of this was some horrific nightmare and that everything really did happen, yet he won't throw me out like the broken thing I am. "I'm sorry, Yuugo. I'm so sorry for leaving you all alone that long. I never wanted to hurt you." This isn't how it's supposed to go at all. He's supposed to leave me after realizing I'm not worth the effort to fix. So why? Why doesn't he hate me? Why does he have to make everything so much more confusing?
My hands claw uselessly at his arm, for I can't put in any power behind it without fearing I might bruise him. "Stop," I whisper, unable to yell anymore. The fight and anger has left me, leaving only a vague desire to make Lucas go away despite every part of me wanting him to stay. His hug is warm, something that I've craved for so long. "Stop being so nice. I don't deserve it. I left you. I should've stayed, but I didn't." I shouldn't be happy. I shouldn't accept this. I've done too much wrong to be content.
Lucas doesn't let go, nor does his hug grow stronger like a snake's embrace. It stays loose and comforting, which almost makes me cry. It's just like I imagined it would feel. But I don't want to crave this after all that I've done to him. Why does he have to be so kind to someone like me? "I'm not going to leave you behind. Not again." Since he's too stubborn to do what's right, I bring my arms out to hold him closer, selfishly hoarding these precious moments while I still can. Before he finally pulls away and leaves me like everyone else. I'll make up for this later, but I don't think I can bear being alone right now. Not when I know what's waiting for me on the other side of the door.
Once I return the embrace, Lucas's hold tightens a bit, knowing full well I'm not going to claw out anymore. His skin is hot, hotter than I've remembered anything feeling, and I never knew how starved I was for it until now. All I can remember is feeling so cold. I cling onto this beacon of warmth for as long as possible, for it's much better than my chilly room.
"I know this won't make up for the past, but I'm here now. I'll be there whenever you need me. I promise." Hearing those last two words reassures me, for Lucas never breaks a promise. No matter how long it takes, he will always keep his word. Even when I stop believing, he's still trying his best to see it through.
I've always been a bit selfish. Weak, cowardly. So when Lucas doesn't leave me, when he decides that I'm truly worth his time, I blindly grasp onto this life line. Desperate for the warmth of the living. As long as Lucas burns my skin, I'll stay alive. I've always been a bit selfish. This time isn't any different.
Dang, I'm sorry for being this late. It's been WAY too long since I've posted. So sorry for the long wait, but this story is completed! Hurray! I've been waiting to figure out how to end this so I can make my next story, and I figures ending on a bittersweet moment between Lucas and Yuugo was the best way to end this story.Btw, I've been trying to write this ever since I posted the last chapter. So just letting you know that I might not post for a while. Anyways, see you in the next story!