Chapter 8 – Confession?

We arrived back at the inn and Tannis made sure that Kitka was fine. I went for a wash. It felt good to wash off all the dirt and blood. Since Mara knew I was a woman, I was directed to the women's wash room and could wash myself without worrying about men walking in on me. Conveniently the men believed that I was "keeping up the act" of being Luzelle's wife.

Later when I returned to the room I shared with Luzelle, he had already washed himself as well and was sitting on the bed with a towel around his waist. His hair was still wet and water was dripping off his wings. I felt shy seeing him half naked, but tried acting nonchalant.

"Let me help you," I said and fetched a towel. After making him sit on the bed I sat behind him and proceeded to towel his hair and thereafter gently wiped down his wings. They were beautiful. I noticed too when he'd spread them to fly. The blues and purples were stunning and there were bits of gold too.

"Do...do you feel sad?" Luzelle asked as if picking up on my thoughts.

"I am sad that I lost my wings...I would have loved to fly to different places with you...but I am grateful that I am still alive and can be with you like this."

"You fought very bravely today...I know it couldn't have been easy..." Luzelle said, gently taking my the towel from my hand so that my hand was now in his. He turned his body so that he was now facing me.

"Ai...we haven't been able to talk much since what happened... I think you know how I feel about you, but if you don't I will say it again...I love you."

I looked into Luzelle's eyes and could see his affection in them. Was I ready to tell him? I was still reeling from the horrible things that I had to see and endure...would I ever be able to not let it get to me and be a proper knight? I knew I lacked the strength... but if not a knight, what purpose is there for me?

"Luzelle..." I eventually said, "even though I've lost my wings, I still want to help our people...but I am tormented by what I've been through and torn between my ideals, the reality and...my love for you... can they all really be reconciled?"

Luzelle gently caressed my face.

"I know how much it means to you to walk the path of a knight at heart...and as much as I wanted to shield you from the ugliness of it you needed to see the light and the dark... only once you have seen it all would you be able to find the right path for you... I am hoping to suggest a...different path in the same direction for you...a...reconciliation if you wish?"

"Really?"

"Yes. You want to help our people, right? You can do so by providing aid to the knights when they go out rather than being on the frontlines of battle itself. We have a need for such persons. Tannis is one of very few knights who knows so much about medical treatment, if you could learn from him it would make you extremely valuable. Perhaps it's just my selfish desire to want to keep you near me at all times and not in harm's way..."

"You'd really let me do that?" I asked in disbelieve, "would I even be accepted by the knights the way I am now?"

"I think you've noticed by now that I have quite a bit of say in things. No one would oppose it if I approved it."

"Doesn't this kind of thing need the prince's approval?"

"I know he will allow it since I am so infatuated with you. Besides... I know you will just end up venturing off into unknown danger by yourself again otherwise."

I blushed shyly. He saw right through me...

"I...truly don't feel like I deserve to be with someone like you," I said looking down.

"Why?"

"You've given me so much...you were kind to me from when we first met, you gave me the opportunity to go on this journey and accompanied me...you laughed with me, cried with me...even saved my life...but what have I done for you?"

"Ai...you have no idea how sad that makes me...you have given me so much more than you realise. When we first met I was taken in by your resolve and straightforwardness. You knew what you wanted to do with your life when you were still just a moth-wing while I didn't have a clear path in mind even as an adult. I wanted nothing more to just run away from my responsibilities. You've shown me what it meant to truly care about others and the joy there was from helping those in need. If anything, I don't deserve your love but I am too selfish to let it go... Ai...will you become mine?"

My heart was beating wildly at his words as I looked into his eyes. I could see his affection and love. Would he still look at me that way if he knew? I couldn't bear the thought of him rejecting me.

"I...am sorry, but I can't," I said turning away from him. Luzelle didn't say anything more to me and we slept awkwardly facing away from each other. The next morning he still didn't say anything as we packed and prepared to leave on our journey back to the palace. My heart felt like it was broken in a million pieces since Luzelle wouldn't even look at me.

"What happened?" Tannis asked me later on when were taking a break.

"Erm...it's complicated," I said with a sigh.

"Sometimes it helps to talk to someone about things."

Tannis was my mentor now and we got along very well. I knew he was not the kind to gossip, so I decided to probe him for information.

"Say...Tannis...do you prefer a man or a woman as a partner?"

"Heh?" Tannis was quite surprised by my question, "Oh...does it bother you that both you and Luzelle are men?" he counter-asked.

"Actually...it does."

"I can see how that could be a problem."

"It's not like that...um...how do I explain this? There is something I have not told anyone...my father is the only person that knows of this...and I am fairly certain if Luzelle found out he'd note like me anymore..."

"I don't believe Luzelle's love for you would be that fickle..."

"I'm not so sure... I didn't want to lose what we have, but now it seems like I messed it up anyway..." I said feeling very sorry for myself, but then gave myself a mental shake.

"I need to focus my attention on doing what I can to help our people, I shouldn't be involving myself in a relationship now," I said with a smile I didn't feel. Tannis didn't look too convinced either.

"If you say so."

The journey back to the palace felt quite long. Luzelle spoke to everyone else but me, obviously avoiding me. It hurt. I wished it could be like it was back then when I was still just a mothwing and we were looking at the fireworks together. Those were simpler days. Days without violence and secrets and heartache. I realised that back then, just before the explosion, Luzelle was about to tell me something, but I never found out what it was. With how things are now I probably never would know.

At the palace things were a buzz. The knights were organised into groups and sent to different areas where it was believed humans could invade our world. Emond and Tannis was stationed at the palace with Luzelle for now. Even though I had not yet formally been accepted into the knights, I was treated with respect by other knights.

I didn't fail to notice the whispers regarding me using the prince to get to the top, but didn't understand what they meant with that. The prince only allowed me the chance; it was Luzelle that was pushing to have me accepted, even though things were awkward between us now.

I learned that the women were all sent away when word of the invasion reached the palace and that the prince had put off plans to marry until there was more stability.

One morning not long after we arrived back at the palace, I was practicing my sword skill with Emond when I suddenly felt violently dizzy and nauseous, and stumbled. My stomach felt sore.

"Ai!" Emond called out in worry and rushed over to me quickly, "you're extremely pale...we need to get you to a doctor!"

He picked me up like it was nothing and carried me to a room where I was put down on a bed while Emond yelled instructions to servants to fetch the royal doctor. I was surprised; did knights normally have the royal doctor tend to them? But at the time I felt too ill to care much. Eventually the doctor came and Emond explained the symptoms to him after which the doctor asked him to leave the room.

"Ai...do you mind if I call you by name?" the elderly doctor asked.

"No, that is fine doctor."

"I need you to be honest with me in order for me to help you get the right treatment. Are you female?"

I was caught off-guard and stared at the doctor, not sure what to say.

"I'm taking your silence as a yes...the symptoms you have is typically that of a female starting their first menstrual cycle. Normally this happens very soon after the coming of age ceremony. Somehow yours was delayed. It will become less painful as your cycles repeat, but it will mean that you will be vulnerable during the time you menstruate."

I had no idea... no one explained anything to me about being a women and I guess it was my fault since I made everyone believe I was a man...

"I know that women are not accepted into the knights so I can figure out why you would hide your gender...but are you sure it is a wise course for you to follow?" the elderly man asked, "Not only will you never have the strength of a male, you also lost your wings which puts you at a great disadvantage. You will be vulnerable during every menstrual cycle. If you are found out your family name will be tarnished. Do you really want that?"

Even after the doctor had long left I was still reeling from his words. Everything he said was true, as much as I wanted to deny it. I felt horrible. So much has gone wrong...and I never really thought about how my actions would affect others. I thought about Luzelle, Tannis and Emond who had become close friends to me. They would be ridiculed by the knights if my gender came to light since they were the ones sticking up for me.

I also thought about my father... all I wanted was to make him proud... More and more tears streamed down my face and soon I was sobbing. After some time I tired myself out completely and fell asleep. I didn't notice when someone came into the room and gently stroked my hair and left after placing a kiss on my forehead.