"Did your Bat-tingle prove accurate, puddin'?" asked Harley as the Joker, his children, and Rose re-entered the hideout.
"His what?" asked Two-Face, concerned.
"It's my Batsense, Harley – Bat-tingle just sounds dirty," retorted Joker. "Which makes it even better, actually, so I'll call it that from now on. And yes, I'm never wrong about my Bat-tingle – Batman was just where I thought he'd be, threatening the kiddies."
"Oh, when you stood up suddenly at dinner and announced that your Batsense was tingling and you had to go take care of it, that's not what I thought you meant," said Two-Face. "But that's honestly a lot less disturbing than what I thought you meant."
"Batman killed Titan," said Arleen, still clearly upset. "And I feel so bereft now."
"Don't worry, Leenie – we'll avenge him," said Joker, patting her on the back. "I'll get to work planning a revenge scheme right after I make a quick phone call – I promised Egghead that I'd let him know how the Jingle Bells thing went," he added, pulling his phone out of his pocket and dialing a number. "Vincent, buddy, guess who this is? That is egg-actly right!" he chuckled. "I just wanted to let you know that the joke went off egg-quisitely! Yes, it was truly egg-cellent! Boy, this takes me back to '66 – what a wild time that was!" he giggled, heading for the door. "Yeah, I shaved off my moustache ages ago. I haven't had one since the 60s - it didn't really suit me, and my girlfriend didn't like it. Yes, I have a girlfriend, and have for a lotta years now, I told you! Twenty-eight years, if you must know – she appeared on the scene in '92! Never you mind how old I am!" he snapped, heading out of the room with his phone to his ear.
"I'm just glad you two are safe after a run-in with Batman," said Harley, hugging both of her kids. "Let me get you some hot cocoa to cheer you up. I don't know why that stupid Bat can't just leave us alone!" she sighed, heading off to the kitchen.
"You put Rose in Batman's sights?" demanded Ivy, hugging Rose as Ivy glared at the twins. "I thought I told you not to put her in any danger!"
"It wasn't our fault, Aunt Ivy!" protested J.J. "We were just minding our own business when he suddenly showed up to crash the party! He was incredibly rude and aggressive – accusing us of stealing things with absolutely no evidence, and then chasing us down the street. If Dad hadn't appeared when he did, I don't know what Batman would have done to us. Probably arrested us and hauled us off to the police station for no reason. And spending a night in jail is not an experience I want Rose to have."
"He's right, Mother, it wasn't his fault," said Rose. "The Batman wouldn't listen even after J.J. showed him the receipt for my present. He seemed certain we were up to no good, which I don't understand at all. What sort of horrible man accuses people of wickedness without evidence?"
"The Batman," sighed Ivy. "He's a bully, flower. Those people are often mean for no reason, or because they're desperately unhappy in their own lives and want to take their pain out on others."
"How sad," said Rose, frowning. "He seemed to recognize me at first, but I've certainly never met someone like that before. And nor do I wish to again," she added, shuddering.
"Don't worry, Rose – I'll protect you from Batman," said J.J., putting an arm around her.
"Hey, hands to yourself, kid!" snapped Two-Face, shoving him away.
"No, it's all right, Father," said Rose. "J.J. has been very gallant this evening. And so brave, confronting the Batman and all," she sighed, smiling at him. J.J. wasn't able to respond in any other way than with a goofy laugh.
"Well, I'm glad somebody is happy," sniffed Arleen. "Meanwhile your sister is grieving over here, J.J.!"
"That's nice, Leenie," said J.J., clearly not listening as he smiled at Rose.
Arleen sighed heavily, standing up and heading for her room. "I'm gonna talk to a guy who won't ignore me," she muttered, reaching for her phone and dialing Damian's number as she shut her bedroom door.
"Who wants hot cocoa?" asked Harley, re-entering the room with a tray of steaming mugs. "It's processed, Red, so no actual cocoa beans were harmed. I know that's a concern for you and Rose. Where'd Leenie go?" she asked, looking around.
"She said something about reading or meeting or something," murmured J.J., still gazing dreamily at Rose. "Something about being happy anyway."
"Is there no way to help the Batman?" asked Rose, as Harley handed her a mug. "If he really is so deeply unhappy, I mean. Have you tried, Mother?"
"No, I haven't," retorted Ivy, taking her mug from Harley. "I don't feel the need to help bullies personally. And he's been persecuting us for a long time, all of us."
"But it's never too late to change," said Rose. "Especially at Christmas. Isn't that right, Mother? Father?" she asked, turning to Two-Face.
"That's right…in theory," agreed Two-Face slowly. "But take it from me, precious, change is really hard for people who have been stuck a certain way a long time. Plus as you saw, Batman doesn't listen, or talk much. He just uses his fists, and there's no getting through to someone who uses violence without violence."
"But he has to understand that there's no reason to persecute you, or any of us," said Rose. "You're not criminals, after all."
Nobody said anything, avoiding her gaze. "Are you?" she asked, slowly.
"That…depends on how you define criminals," said Ivy. "I mean, in my case, it's an unfair label given to me when all I'm doing is trying to save the planet. The people who destroy Mother Nature are the real criminals, not me."
Rose stared at her in astonishment. "Father?" she gasped, turning to him. "I thought you were…District Attorney."
"I was District Attorney," agreed Two-Face, nodding. "But now I'm…not. I have been prosecuted by the new District Attorney, and that was a weird experience, let me tell you, being on the other side of that process..."
He trailed off at the heartbroken look in Rose's eyes. Everyone fell silent again, and the silence was broken by the Joker re-entering the room, saying, "No, I'm all outta egg puns now. No, you already did that one. And that one. Yeah, ok, well, thanks again, Vincent. Bye," he said, hanging up the phone. "Boy, does that routine get old fast!" he sighed. He looked around, noticing the awkward silence, and asked, "What did I miss?"
"Uncle Joker, you're a criminal too?" asked Rose. "And Aunt Harley?"
"Oh, so you finally told her the truth!" said Joker, beaming. "And here I thought I'd be the one to accidentally on purpose spill the beans one day! Thanks for ruining my joke, whoever it was!"
"That's why…everyone was giving you free food," said Rose, turning to J.J. "They were afraid of your parents, because they're criminals. And they're afraid of my parents, just like the man at the Iceberg Lounge said. And that's why…you tried to steal the brooch for me, because you were taught to do that by criminals."
"But I didn't steal it!" exclaimed J.J. "I paid for it fair and square, because if you don't want me to be a criminal, I won't be anymore, for you, Rose!" he exclaimed, kneeling down and taking her hands. "I can change!"
"Can you?" she asked, tears in her eyes. "Can any of you?" she whispered, looking around. "I suppose I never really knew any of you after all. I just trusted that you were good people because you seemed to care about me. I can see now that I might have been naïve. But then I was only born a few weeks ago. Excuse me," she said, racing out the door with tears in her eyes.
"Rose, baby, come back!" cried Ivy, racing after her with Two-Face right behind her.
J.J. tried to follow them, but Joker held him back. "First rule of women, son – when they're crying, leave 'em be," he said. "Anything you try to say to them when they're upset will just be misinterpreted and thrown back in your face. Just wait for them to calm down and crawl back to you, which they definitely will."
"Dad, you have to teach me everything you know about women!" exclaimed J.J., seizing him.
"Don't worry – that won't take long," retorted Joker. "Mostly what I know is you can't shake 'em, so don't even try. They're gonna keep clinging to you like leeches to an open wound, sucking the life from you, no matter how you try to fight 'em. Isn't that right, my little life-sucking leech?" he purred, kissing Harley.
"Women…like being called leeches?" asked J.J. confused.
"Well, your mother does," said Joker, shrugging. "And she's mostly what I base my impression of women on. Women like nothing more than a firm backhand once in a while, just to let 'em know who's boss. Casual violence, and being ordered around and insulted really gets their motors revving."
"That…doesn't sound right to me," said J.J., slowly. He shrugged. "But then you know more about it than I do."
"Where did Rose go?" asked Arleen, re-entering the room and looking around.
"She found out we were criminals and ran off," said J.J.
"And you let her?" asked Arleen, surprised.
"Dad told me not to follow her and try to comfort her since that would only make things worse," said J.J. "Apparently with women you need to do the opposite of what your instincts tell you, which is good advice."
"Yeah…sure," said Arleen, slowly. "Personally I like it when people listen to me when I'm upset. God knows my own brother doesn't."
"And yet you still came crawling back!" said Joker, beaming at her. "So there you go, J.J.!"
"You're right, Dad, it works," said J.J., nodding.
"Yeah, I'm just gonna stand back and let you crash and burn with Rose," said Arleen. "I think it'll be hilarious. Now about avenging Titan, Daddy?" she asked, turning to him.
"On it, princess," said Joker, as they headed for his study. "I've got just the gag for it!"