A/N: Surprise! A very speedy update coming your way :)

JON POV

'Leave and don't come back, Leave and don't come back' Her words are haunting me. I know I over reacted. But he couldn't protect Clary from getting hurt. His weakness in addition to his attachment to Clary annoyed me. I've sat here all day nursing one bourbon after another. I can't go back. Not yet. "I thought I might find you here." Please not her. Not now. "Jon, look at me, please." I ignore her. " Please Jon, I'm sorry. I was just upset that you couldn't control your demon side. I wasn't thinking. I know how hard it is for you and that sometimes he's stronger and takes over. It's just, seeing Jace hurt, it scared me. I was scared that people might suspect and you know what would happen then. I could never forgive myself if anything happened to you because of my stupidity. What happened last night, it was my fault, you hear me? We got attacked by vampires, because I decided to steal one of their flying motorcycles. It was my fault. No one else's. Jace saved me and you Jonathan," I look at her then and see tears dropping down her cheeks. I reach over to her and wipe her cheeks dry using my fingers. I have the urge to taste her tears, but I stop myself. "You should thank him. Not kill him. Understood?" I nod slowly in agreement and she adds, "And please forgive me for earlier, brother. I should never have reacted the way I did." But she was right to kick me out and look at me like the monster I am. I say nothing, so Clary throws her arms around me and whispers, "Let's go back, please."

On our way back Clary fills me in on what has happened since I left. Magnus told them that he'd felt the greater demon's presence and that's what brought him to the institute in the first place. He's been in contact with the downworlders and apparently something is up, because fairies have been disappearing and turning up dead. This gets my attention. Obviously I know this. I've found one myself. But she was still alive. Something is brewing and it has to do with this demon from yesterday and with Valentine. This will give me something to focus on, I think to myself. I need a hobby. I can make this investigation my prime focus. Clary then tells me about the others, that she managed to calm everyone down, that Alec still doesn't seem convinced about Jonathan just overreacting, but she promises me that it's all going to be fine, that we just have to lay low for a while and focus on me and getting my urges under control. I'm a freak. Clary knows this. I know this. Now Alec suspects. Why is she so understanding of me? It's too much. I don't deserve this. I pull Clary into an alleyway. I study her carefully. I see her looking at me with such undeterred adoration, it hurts my heart. How can she love me? How is it possible for her to love me, a half demon? It's not possible. She's in denial.

"Clary. I need you to stop."

"Stop what?

"I need you to finally see me for who I am. This is me." I point at myself to underline this fact.

"Stop making excuses for me. I need you to see me for who I am. I'm a monster, Clary. If not for Magnus, I would have killed Jace. I felt his life diminish under my fingers. It made me squeeze harder. I enjoyed it. I wanted him to die, Clary." I shout that last part at her and stop.

She reaches her hand towards my face, but I step back. I can't have her touching me. She tries again, so I bark at her. "Fucking stop Clary, will you? I don't need you coddling me. Just finally see me for who I am, will you?"

She's quiet and all I can hear is her heartbeat beating in unison with mine. Even now, all that I can focus on is her. She's my orb and I need it to stop. I can't function like this.

"Jonathan. I see you ok. I see the good in you and the evil within you. Please believe me when I say that I love you just the way you are. You are not a monster, Jon. Don't ever think that about yourself. We all have some evil within us, some more than others. You Jonathan, are so much stronger for fighting it the way you do on a daily basis. I admire you for it. I love you so much, I couldn't imagine a world without you, ok? And so I love all of you, even that bloody monster within you. Do you get that? I wish you could see yourself the way I do. You're my hero. Believe me ok?"

She tries to touch me again, but I can't. I can't take it. A part of me, a pretty fucking huge part, is gobbling up every word she says. Words like "I love you" and "All of you," make me want to cover her lips with mine, eat up every word that comes out of her pretty mouth . A smaller part, the part that loves her more than anything, wants her safe, it wants her protected and happy, and as far away from me as possible.

"Clary, you're so fucking delusional!" I scream at her and hit the wall beside her head, she flinches at that. I've startled her, but I have to get this off my chest. I need her to see me for who I am. I need her to hate me, the way I hate myself. I don't deserve her love. I need her to stop pretending. I quietly continue, "You know that night. The night when you found me covered in blood? I killed a lot of demons that night and you know why? I lost control and I…" I don't want to say it, but I have to, to make her see me. "There was this girl I seduced and I lost control. I hurt her Clary. She begged me to stop, but I enjoyed hurting her, so I continued inflicting pain, even though she screamed for me to stop. I...I raped a girl Clary. And after I was finished, I left a shaking, scared, bloodied mess on the floor," I pause and I see her staring at me in utter shock. "This is who I am. Just see me for who I am. I don't deserve any more excuses from you. So please, fucking spare me this charade of how you love this monster within me. This monster you love so much, he's a fucking murderer and a rapist. He's me and I'm him and I have to live with that, not you. Never you."

I turn to leave, but she grabs my hand. "Wait," her voice comes out raspy. "I...I don't know what to say, Jon. Fuck, why didn't you tell me? Wait ok. Let me process this."

I don't move. I don't turn around. I just wait. I'm not sure to what end. I need to leave, but I can't. "Clary, I think it's best if I leave. Go somewhere. Away from you. It's not fair on you and you shouldn't be near me."

I pull away, but she drags me back. "Jon, stop it. Don't you dare leave me!" She forces me to turn around, to face her. I'm still too afraid to look at her. I can feel her hands holding my face, her forehead touches mine. She's so close. I can feel her breath against my mouth, I could move a millimeter forward and touch her lips with mine. Fuck, not again. I try to pull away, but she's holding me close. "Jon, I love you. We will get through this. What matters is that you feel regret. What matters is that you told me, ok? Please let me help you. I need you to promise me that you will let me help you. I need you to say it aloud."

I'm quiet for a long while. We're still standing in this dirty alleyway, forehead pressed against forehead, and my face engulfed by Clary's hands. Her closeness is making me feel hopeful. She hasn't forgiven me or made excuses for me, but she's not ran away from me either. Perhaps, I'm being too harsh on myself. Perhaps, together, we can fix me? "Ok, Lily," I whisper to her and we stand like this for a long time. It starts to rain and we stand. New York passes by us and we still stand. Eventually we make a move back to the institute, hand in hand. She and I, together we can tackle anything that comes our way. There's hope for me after all.

XXX

We're out, as a group. Having fun for once. It's been two weeks since the alleyway encounter. Clary and I have spent a lot of time together. It's been a good time. We've been hunting together and hanging out with each other in an easy going way, like watching movies and goofing around. It's felt a lot like old times. I know what she's doing. She's worried about me and therefore she's keeping a close eye on me. I don't mind it though, talking to her and getting at least that dark experience off my chest has helped of sorts. She's also asked me questions about the night, and about the girl, all of which I have answered with half truths. I can't tell her that she was part of the cause, can I? She's also made me check on the girl. After all, I knew her address. Clary wanted me to face my guilt and she wanted to see for herself that the girl was fine and alive. We found her. She seemed ok, a little subdued, but living, which gives me hope that she will overcome the experience, eventually. I'll always be part of her past, but hopefully with time, she will learn to live and trust again and find happiness. She deserves it. Opening up to Clary has helped, I don't feel like I need to hide myself completely. And Clary is still here, by my side. She doesn't seem revolted by me, at least I hope that is the case.

I shake myself out of my reverie. Jace is standing close to Clary, whispering in her ear. His arm moves around her shoulders. There is a part in me that wants to rip his arm off, but I know better. I've made promises, many promises, promises to Clary, to myself, to the bloody universe. I need to get this darkness within me in check. Clary is helping with that. I've seen her studying various demonic works of literature in the library. I look at her, at her beautiful delicate frame, her pale porcelain skin, the freckles that are sputtered around her nose, twenty-three to be exact. I know, because I've counted them all. I can smell her lily scent from where I'm standing. It's creating knots in my stomach. I want her to stand next to me. I can see Jace next to her with his arm around her, holding her. I imagine it to be my arm, to feel her frame against me, to have her stood like that next to me, without anyone thinking it's weird. To have her look and smile the way she's doing at Jace. Flirtatiously. Wait what, flirtatiously?

The realisation hits me like an explosion. She likes him, she fancies him. Of course she would. He looks like a Trojan warrior, all muscles and bronzed and toned skin, he's full of happy sunny smiles and always portrays a light demeanour. I'm pale and sickly looking these days, and in comparison I look skinny. Stop being stupid. I know I'm good looking. The proof is across from me. Izzy, who is currently ogling me like I'm sex on a stick. All girls do. I'm the dark, intriguing guy. Not Clary though, she likes this sunny happy Jace type and why wouldn't she, when she's stuck with this demon day in day out. I need a drink, a strong drink. I excuse myself and move towards the bar. "Bourbon on rocks," I snap at the barmaid.

"You're in a pleasant mood, aren't you handsome." I turn my head, wanting to snarl at whoever dares to speak to me, but I see a stunning girl and stop myself. She's all legs, big boobs, revealing clothes and oozes sexiness. Nothing as innocent and sweet looking as Clary. Fuck, why do I have to compare everything to her.

I can't deal with this right now. I think back to the club, to the girl. To the promise I made to Clary and to myself. No, I won't do anything to anyone tonight, hopefully not ever again. "Get lost," I snarl at her and turn around, nursing my drink in silence.

"My son, always on the outskirts, always alone and unwanted, always set apart from his peers." Slowly I lift my head and I see him, but it's not him. He carries himself like him, he has his facial expression, but surely it cannot be him.

"This is only a disguise my dear son," he waves at his face and adds, "Can't have anyone recognise me now, can I?" He sits down, looking at me approvingly. I'm still too stunned to say anything. "Jonathan, my dear son. Have we forgotten how to speak? I guess you must be shocked to see me?" He smiles at me still.

"How?" I rasp my throat. "How are you here?"

"Oh you didn't think I abandoned you? No, of course I didn't. It was all part of the plan. How else do you think Jocelyn found you?" I look at him stunned, but still I can't say a word. "I arranged it of course."

"But, why?" I cannot contemplate the things he's saying.

He continues as if he hasn't heard me. "Of course I wanted you to grow up with Jocelyn to get close to her. Form a bond of sorts. I kept an eye on you over the years. It's been a source of entertainment to me, watching you struggle to be good. But you can't Jonathan, can you? There's that sick fascination you have with Clarissa, too. But I can help you with that." He smirks at me and I'm still too speechless to comprehend anything.

"Jonathan, here you are." Fuck, fuck fuck no, please no. I look up and she's here, my angel is here with Jace behind her. Valentine is a monster, I have no doubt about it and now thanks to me, Clary is in the company of not just one, but the two of us. Once again it dawns on me that her life would be completely unspoiled if I weren't part of it. I realise that I've been looking at her, silently, not uttering a word.

"Jonathan, won't you introduce me to this lovely lady?" Clary moves towards my father, the head of monsters, and she smiles at him. I can't believe she's smiling at him. I see her stepping forward and I can do nothing to stop it.

She moves her hand towards my father, "Apologies, my brother can forget his manners sometimes, I'm Clary and this is our friend Jace."

Valentines grins like he's discovered honey, "Oh my dear Clarissa, it is such a pleasure to finally meet you. Jonathan has told me so much about you."

"He has? And by the way, I said that I go by Clary." I can see her looking suspicious now. Good.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't mean any disrespect to my dear girl. I'm an old friend of your father's and Jonathan here is like a son to me."

Clary's face drops and her smile disappears instantly. "I see, please don't think me rude, but kindly step away from my brother and leave. you're not welcome here." She gives my father the look. The look that scares even me and I know that she would never hurt me.

Valentine looks flustered, "Apologies, my darling Clarissa. I can see where I'm not welcome." He smiles, looks at me, then at Clary and continues, "Don't worry, I plan to stay in the city for a while. You'll be seeing me, soon enough." He picks up his coat and leaves.

There's silence, I still don't quite know what to make of the last five minutes. "Jonathan, are you ok?"

I'm not quite sure. I look at her and nod silently, then add, "Yes, of course I am. Like he said, he was like a father to me. I'm going to get some fresh air Clary." I can see her looking worried and tell her, "Don't worry, go have fun with Jace here. I'll be with you soon. I just need some fresh air, promise"

I get up, holding myself together, barely. I move towards the backdoor and into the alleyway. I snap. The pressure crashes me, I punch out and punch a hole in the brick wall. My knuckles are bleeding, but I don't care. "What has the poor wall done to you, handsome?"

I turn around and see the sexy girl from the bar. She's smiling at me. "Nothing, I just felt like it."

"Oh, and what else do you feel like, handsome?" She moves towards me, slowly. She steps right up to me. "I can distract you from whatever got you so riled up." She pushes me towards the wall, pins me against it. She's strong. She's not human.

"What are you?" I breathe.

"I'm your distraction." She kisses me then and I let her, our bodies connect. It feels so good to not have to worry about breaking her. My demon approves.

A/N: I hope you liked it. We've not had a Clary POV, but that's because I love writing Jonathan too much. She'll be back in the next chapter. Oh and that Valentine appearance...makes me wonder what he's up to this time round :)