Chapter 9
Our splintered team sat sleeping in the cave resting up for what was to come. Grace was awoken by one of the falling rocks hitting her on the head. She blinked twice before looking over to the door of the cave. Amelia was awake already, making breakfast and sipping from her thermos which was no doubt still filled with black coffee and whiskey. Hazel sat nearby watching Amelia fry up some eggs over the flame. The two seemingly hadn't yet noticed that she'd woken from her slumber. Turning to her side she gently shook Simon who stirred from his sleep and looked over at the others. Him and Grace shared a look of concern. How long had Hazel been around Amelia before they'd woken up? What had Amelia told her in that time? Cautiously the two made their way over to Amelia and the pan of eggs. Hazel looked up and smiled at them. "You two are awake! Ms Amelia is making pancakes!" she said happily. Amelia gave her usual annoyed eye roll.
"No I am not, I've already told you that I'm making eggs." she sighed. Grace and Simon sat down in between the two forming a sort of wall between Hazel and Amelia. Simon was the first of the two to speak,
"Hazel, how long have you and Amelia been up?" he asked. He tried to sound casual with the question but there was the distinctive tone of worry in his voice. Hazel grinned.
"Forever," she began before switching to a whisper "Ms Amelia talks a lot after she drinks her coffee." she added quietly. Grace and Simon didn't know whether to be worried about what Amelia had said or to laugh at the thought of the constantly frustrated Amelia pouring her heart out to a child in the early morning hours. They choose instead to change the subject. Their time was limited after all and convincing Amelia to let them leave with Hazel wasn't going to be easy. Grace turned to address the woman and began.
"So, we've been doing a lot of thinking," Grace said "And while it was shocking to discover how you were related to Hazel's origins-" Amelia cut her off not interested in whatever it was that Grace was taking such a long time to get to the point of.
"We do have a time limit so if you could please speed this up." she reminded her. Grace rolled her eyes at the interruption and continued.
"From what you've explained Hazel will be a threat to any car that she enters and as the leader of the Apex there are people counting on me to keep them safe." Grace took a sharp inhale and Simon looked at her with curiosity. Even if he didn't understand exactly where she was going with this he knew she'd never seriously consider leaving Hazel behind. Grace continued with her speech, "Hazel is one of those people who is counting on me." Grace now turned to look at Hazel. In her she saw everything that she had stolen from her, everything she'd accidentally stolen from the other Apex kids, goodness, uncorrupted purity. "Hazel when we gave you the red wave we made you Apex, and Apex never leave Apex behind." she finished. Hazel looked at her with a fondness, a softness, that Grace almost didn't believe she deserved. After everything she'd learned, after realizing what she'd done maybe she'd never see herself as deserving that kind of softness. But then again, if someone as good as Hazel could look at her like that, knowing all of the awful things she'd believed, maybe it wasn't too late for her after all. This nice moment was ended by a scoff from Amelia.
"I hope you enjoyed that moment of sentimentality because you're not getting another one. I don't know what's so difficult for you children to understand about this but anywhere this child," she gestured to Hazel "Goes cars will eject. You say you have others who are counting on you? You can't possibly put them in danger for the sake of one person. It's ridiculous." she finished. Grace wanted to say something back but the words got caught in her throat. Amelia was right, of course Amelia was right. But they couldn't leave Hazel, she was important. With Grace failing to respond Simon did it instead speaking to the woman seriously.
"Listen, we won't leave Hazel, even if it's dangerous to take her it's even more dangerous to leave her with you, a person we barely know." Amelia rolled her eyes and responded.
"Well it's a good thing I wasn't asking either of you then isn't it." she said coldly. Amelia wasn't an awful person but she wasn't going to sit here and argue with children about things that they clearly didn't understand. Simon grew annoyed at her coldness, Hazel was just a little girl who'd lost everything and now Amelia wanted to rip her away from the only stability she had. He had failed Tuba, he'd failed the Apex kids, he wouldn't fail Hazel.
"And what gives you the right to just decide what happens to her?" he asked, frustrated, something that was not helped by Amelia's chuckle at the question.
"What gives me the right? Listen up ponytail, I did an awful thing 30 years ago because I was hurt. I made a choice to try and be better than I was even if it's slow going. I made a promise that for all I'd messed up this train I wouldn't mess it up any further. I work to fix the mistakes I made on this train even when it's difficult. You run a summer camp and wear lipstick on your face, that's what gives me the right." she finished. At this Simon racked his brain for anything that he could say in return that would even begin to scratch the surface of responding to Amelia but found he came up short. Grace placed a hand on his shoulder indicating that it was time to let it go and he quieted himself in response. The four of them sat like this in silence for a moment before it dawned on Grace that the person they'd been arguing on the behalf of hadn't even weighed in. She turned to Hazel, who looked nervous and asked her the question that she should have started with.
"Hazel what do you want?" she questioned. Hazel looked at her with a soft almost sad smile and Grace's heart broke because she knew whatever Hazel said next it wouldn't be what she wanted to hear.
"Ms. Amelia said that your numbers are supposed to go down and when they get to zero you go home; is that true?" she asked. Her voice was full of hope and sadness and she didn't look either of the Apex leaders in the eye when she'd said it. Grace looked nervous and responded with a non-committal answer.
"We don't really know." Grace said though the little upward tick in her voice at the end of the sentence clued Hazel into the fact that she was lying. Hazel shook her head.
"You two love me don't you?" Hazel asked quietly. Grace and Simon fell over themselves to answer.
"Hazel of course we love you." they both rushed out perhaps in a vain hope that this would change the next thing that Hazel was to say to them.
"I don't have a number, not really." Hazel said, gesturing towards her hand. "So I can't get off the train." There was no sadness in Hazel's voice at the idea and really why would there be. All Hazel had ever known was this train, it made sense she had no interest in leaving it. She continued on to the hardest part of what she had to say. "You two both have numbers, so you'll get off the train someday, and I want you to. But that means I can't stay with you." Hazel looked at them both now for some confirmation of what she'd said. Whatever confirmation she was looking for evidently she'd found it because she concluded with. "It can be good to let go." Grace tried to ignore the bitter sting of tears in her eyes as she responded to Hazel's claim.
"You want to leave because you think if you stay we'll leave you? Hazel we won't I promise, just come back with us." Hazel sadly shook her head.
"I want to leave because I know if I stay you won't leave me." Hazel said softly. She too could feel the tears running down her face, still in her turtle form. Simon was next to speak trying for a slightly different approach.
"But Hazel, Apex doesn't leave Apex behind." he offered. Once again Hazel shook her head before wiping the lipstick squiggle that had been applied to her face off.
"I was never really Apex material." she said. She looked at them both now, standing up and staring them both in the eyes. "It's okay to be afraid. But if things stayed the same forever, they'd never get any better." she finished. Now she turned to Amelia. "You know a lot of stuff about me that I want to learn, I'm coming with you." she said. Amelia put down her plate of eggs and rolled her eyes again.
"Well obviously you coming with me was a foregone conclusion, however this isn't some fun life-affirming road trip, I'm doing my job. I'm an inventor, an engineer, a snappy dresser. But I am not your caretaker and I will not be getting attached to you." she specified. No sense in letting this little girl be confused about exactly what the nature of this relationship would be. Hazel let out a quiet laugh at this.
"You're still really weird." she said. Amelia ignored her comment.
"I suppose you might be worth studying." Amelia said, eyeing the girl. Grace let out a sad, quiet gasp at this. How could this be happening, this couldn't be happening. Hazel wasn't really going with Amelia was she? As the four stood on opposite ends of the bridge it sunk in that yes this was indeed the way that things had panned out. Grace and Simon held back tears as they watched Hazel cling onto Amelia the way she had clung on to them countless times. Amelia, possibly oblivious but more likely uninterested ignored their obvious distress. "Stand back, the pulse should be coming any minute." The tears flowed freely down their faces as Grace spoke to the little girl for what felt like the last time.
"Hazel it's not too late to change your mind." she begged. Hazel responded only with a soft smile which confirmed she wasn't interested in such a change.
"Hazel please just come back with us." Simon added not even bothering with the effort of blinking away the tears as he usually did. Hazel's eyes watered as well, leaving the two of them wasn't easy for her either. But Hazel was smart, smart enough to know that if she wanted these two people she cared for to get better, she couldn't stay with them. As the pulse careened towards their car and the bridge separated and rose Hazel and Amelia into the air Hazel offered one last comfort to the two of them. Wiping and tears from her eyes and pulling the brightest smile she could manage Hazel said,
"I love you both, good luck." And with that Hazel and Amelia's car lifted into the air and the two were gone leaving Grace and Simon together on the platform sobbing. Still together and yet feeling nothing but complete and utter loneliness. The tears refused to stop coming despite attempts to keep them away and while normally the two would seek each other for comfort neither was truly prepared to work through the overwhelming grief that they felt. There stood Grace and Simon, crying over a denizen they'd loved and who'd loved them back. Who'd left them for their own good. After a while the two reentered the car, seeing nothing else that they could do. As the two trudged through the last car that they'd been in with Hazel and the first they'd been in without her in a long time there was silence saved for the occasional pained sob from either of them that the other chose to ignore. It was utterly appropriate for the two to be silent, after they'd just lost Hazel. And yet as they walked through the origami car both still had the awareness to avoid stepping on the little paper birds that littered the car's floor. As they crossed the car to the door Grace reached out her hand to open it before hearing a pained chirp. Looking to her right she saw two birds that had been crumpled perhaps by some passenger or other. Wordlessly Grace and Simon moved towards the birds each taking one in their hand and uncrumpling them, returning them to their original state. The birds thanked their respective helpers by fluttering near each of them and flying away inside the car. It dawned on Grace that they didn't have to do that, even if they'd accepted that they shouldn't hurt denizens there was nothing stating they had to help them either. And yet they both had, almost unconsciously even though just a month ago they likely would have gone out of their way to kill such creatures. Tears began falling from Grace's eyes once again though she wasn't sure why and desperate to ignore them she simply pressed on into the next car. Opening the door she froze. She knew this car, she'd been here before years ago, they were in the pumpkin car. Almost robotically Grace shuffled deeper into the car with Simon trailing behind her. However, only a few feet in suddenly Grace broke down. Dropping to the ground and sitting against a giant pumpkin Grace placed her head in her hands and sobbed. Finally whatever wall of silence that had been between them was shattered as Grace spoke to Simon directly for the first time in what felt like years as she said,
"What are we going to do now?" her words were broken up by sobs and her voice strained as she asked it. Simon was never really great at this sort of thing and he was in pain too. But Grace needed him right now, and so throwing his arms around her Simon embraced her. Grace clung on to him as if he was a life raft and buried herself against him as it was the last line of defense between herself and crippling sadness. Perhaps it was as after only a short time Grace felt herself calm down significantly and she pulled away from the hug to look Simon in the eyes. She felt so embarrassed at having fallen apart in front of him, even though they'd both been crying just a short time earlier. As she wiped her tears Grace attempted to simply play the moment of perceived weakness off. "I'm sorry about that. I know I must seem like a mess right now." even as she said it she knew it wouldn't work. Just as she'd never accept that kind of excuse from Simon he would not be content with that answer from her.
"Grace, it's okay, I'm hurt too." he said. He wanted Grace to understand that she was in no way alone in her pain, she had him even when the two were at their lowest. As they sat against the giant pumpkin Grace finally said what had been plaguing her mind.
"I'm not ready to go back to the Apex yet." It was a fair thought. She still hadn't sorted through the truth about Amelia, nor had she processed the loss of Hazel, or the idea of leaving the train. All of it was still bumping around in her brain refusing to let her rest. How could she go back to the mall car and try to lead the Apex when she was barely able to keep herself together. Simon took a deep breath, he'd been thinking the same but the wall of silence had kept him from sharing it.
"It's okay, we can just stay here for a little bit." he suggested. Grace gave a sigh of relief.
"That sounds nice." Grace said. She turned to look at him now feeling as though she was forgetting something before it came back to her. "We owe each other a talk don't we?" she asked. Simon nodded in response.
"So, what do you want to talk about?" Simon asked, trying to sound casual while internally being a mess of tears. Grace thought for a moment staring at her number, then Simon's before what she'd wanted to ask earlier came back to her. She almost didn't want to now, the answer seeming trivial compared to what had happened since but she still wanted to know.
"Why did you go see The Cat?" she asked quietly. Simon's mind raced, and he internally took a breath before answering.
"I was confused, and scared. And I wanted to talk to someone, so I went to The Cat. She actually gave me some surprisingly good advice." he finished. Grace looked at him like she wanted him to go on and so he amended his statement with the thing he really hadn't wanted to say. "I wanted to talk to you but I guess I thought, I don't know, that you wouldn't want to deal with my problems." Simon knew it was stupid before he'd said it and the look of compassion on Grace's face confirmed it. Of course she'd care about his problems, they'd always been there for each other, and even with their constantly shifting beliefs that at least was consistent.
"Simon I'm always going to be there for you." she said and she'd meant it. Grace looked around the car now, rows and rows of pumpkins stretched on seemingly endlessly towards the exit. Looking around wistfully she brought up the obvious. "This is where I saw the conductor, or I guess, Amelia." she said. "It's weird to think that we were wrong. she added quietly. Simon nodded in response, no use delaying the obvious.
"So...what do you think about the idea of getting off the train?" he asked. He half expected the air to go completely still and for the two to return to sitting in silence when he'd asked but was pleasantly surprised when Grace quickly responded.
"I don't know, the idea of seeing my parents again after all this time is…" Grace trailed off as she realized she hadn't planned an end to that sentence. Not wanting to discuss her own complicated feelings she turned a question on Simon, "What we're your parents like?" she asked. She'd only ever heard a few anecdotes about Simon's family but the two never truly talked about their life before the train. Simon, who was initially caught off guard by the question, shot back a response.
"I'll tell you if you tell me." He offered. Now the ball was in Grace's court. She almost wanted to decline, almost. But, no she'd tell him, if there was anyone who she was okay with telling it would be him. Grace nodded agreeing to the arrangement and Simon began.
"My dad was in the army and he was out on deployment a lot. But he loved me and my mom, he'd always call us, always write to us, and he'd get super excited when he was coming home. Since my dad didn't get to be there as much as he would have liked whenever he came he'd make sure to take me somewhere or do something with me. My mom on the other hand had to be the one to actually parent me and…" Simon stopped to consider something. In his memories, his mother was the worst, a borderline abusive tyrant but when trying to recall any instances of her behaving that way he'd never been able to. It was at that moment that he realised why that was. "I was an awful kid. She was just doing her best to take care of me and I hated her for it. The day I left right before I ran away I screamed at her that I hated her." Simon said this with an air of surprise in his voice but despite this being the first time he'd voiced it out loud he'd known that this was true from the beginning. Perhaps it had simply been easier to pretend his life off the train had been awful so that he wouldn't have to consider the idea of returning back and facing what he'd put his parents through. But at the very least, he'd recognised it now, if he ever did manage to get back he could be better. He looked at Grace expectantly, as it was her turn now. Grace began struggling for a moment on where to start.
"My parents were diplomats, their work was all over the world so they were out of the country a lot. They'd always leave me with my nanny but nannies never lasted long so I didn't really get attached to any of them. My parents really wanted me to be the best so I was homeschooled by really expensive tutors and I took dance lessons from the most famous instructors but my parents were never really interested in how I felt about it." It hurt to remember these things and it was painful to think about how long she'd strived for her parents attention, for her parents affection, and was still seemingly never able to get it. "I think, I think that my parents really wanted a trophy more than they wanted a daughter. You know something nice to show off and brag about and to be seen and never heard." she finished. The idea of getting off the train was never something she'd considered because she really had seen her life off the train as worse. But then again being on the train had made her a worse person than she'd been before it for sure so perhaps she really would have been better off if she'd stayed. If she'd voiced her feelings to her parents, if she convinced them to let her go to school, if she'd kept dancing. Maybe her life would have been great. But she was robbed of knowing. She wouldn't rob the children they protected of the same thing. "Simon, we have to help the Apex kids get their numbers down." she explained. Simon nodded in agreement.
"For all we set them back we could at least admit we were wrong and try to help them the right way." he responded. It was funny, Simon could imagine a world where learning this, learning that he had been wrong would have ruined him. But with Grace by his side, affirming that it was okay to be wrong, and with Hazel's choice to leave them in the hope that it would push them to finally leave the train, shifting what he'd understood felt a little easier. Speaking of Grace he could remember her saying she wanted to talk to him about something not that long ago. When she'd told him she'd said it was important. "Did you have something you wanted to tell me?" he asked. He had no idea what it could be and was fairly interested in what she had to say. Internally Grace panicked, she'd hoped Simon had forgotten she'd said that. But as long as they were making choices that would change the course of their lives forever she might as well say it.
"I wanted to say," Grace paused nervously, she couldn't believe that she was really about to do this. "I wanted to say that I love you too. Because you said it when we were in the cabin and I never said it back." Simon felt a blush come across his face that he tried to ignore, obviously Grace meant it non-romantically he needed to stop setting himself up to get hurt. Grace could see in Simon's face that he wasn't really getting it. "I mean romantically. I would have told you before but you know, change is scary, and then a bunch of stuff happened and it didn't really seem like a good time but…" she trailed off. Simon understood what she meant at this point. The two of them were staring at each other now both waiting for the other to make a move. Eventually Simon was the one to do so. Putting his hand to her face like he'd done before he asked her a question almost in a whisper secretly fearing that if he spoke too loudly this would all melt away and be revealed to be a cruel dream.
"Can I kiss you?" he said. Grace smiled and leaned in as a response, her lips making contact with his as the fear of a non-reciprocal love melted away for both of them. Grace shut her eyes and allowed herself to simply enjoying being this intimate with someone, the feeling of trusting a person with your life, with you secrets, with your heart were all tied up in the feeling of Simon's lips against her own and the warmth between them grew as they drew each other in deepening the kiss. For just a moment the two were physically as they had always been mentally, together, in sync as they held each other determined to always feel as they did in this moment of intimate connection. They could have stayed like that forever but there were more pressing issues. Gently they pulled away from each other and stood looking over the car and spotting the exit.
"How far to the Apex?" Grace asked. Simon pulled out his tracker.
"Unless there's another Amelia around only a few cars." he said. Grace stared at him curiously for a moment before wiping the Apex line off of his face. Gently Simon did the same for her. She took his hand in hers as the pair walked towards the exit. The two had made many mistakes on the road to where they were at that moment, and many mistakes they wished they could take back. As they walked towards the exit hand in hand between the rows of pumpkins determined not to let any of the children they cared for suffer the same fate they had they were for the first time, on the road to correcting some of them.