Once in Forever

by tmtcltb

Five years after the successful vaccine trial, Kara Foster struggles to come to terms with all that she lost and move on with her life. AU. TW for discussion of miscarriage.

9. The End of the Beginning

A/N - when I originally plotted this story, this was the final chapter. The story was supposed to be short and sweet, only eight chapters long. However, getting back into writing about these two has really inspired me so I will be continuing the story onwards. There may be a bit of a delay in updating as I work through a few tangles. In the meantime, THANK YOU SO MUCH for the support you have shown. I'm so glad that you were able to take this journey with me. And if you want to see a little more of this AU world, go check out Outtakes. We get to see Alisha and Val and Tex, and there is a bit on Pablo coming up. xoxo - tmtcltb

A/N2 - to Guest, I agree that Pablo deserved much worse. In an early draft, I had Kara shoot him but Scousedancer (correctly) reminded me that Kara has more self-restraint than I do. LOL.

A/N3 - why, yes, I do have a lot to say today apparently. For those of you who aren't aware, we're planning a Holiday Fest! You can find the forum to leave prompts or claim prompts or just chat here: topic/230191/182532169/1/#182585374

A/N4 - I posted this last week but then there were glitches so posting again and keeping fingers crossed...

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Chapter 9 - The End of the Beginning

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"There you are." Carlton said, edging down the narrow path that Kara had created between the crates. She looked up, surprised and a little concerned by his appearance. It had been ages since she was down here, one of her meeting spots with Danny of old, and hardly the first place on the ship that Carlton would have checked.

"XO?"

He must have sensed her unease. "Ship's fine, Captain." Carlton squeezed around another crate, struggling to maneuver his larger frame in the small space. Strange how Kara never remembered Danny having trouble getting in or out, even in the Arctic before supplies began to dwindle. Carlton grunted as he bumped into an exposed corner. "Are you going to tell me why you're here in dry storage when you have a cabin of your own? Complete with windows and coffee and comfortable seating?"

"I needed a few minutes alone," Kara replied honestly.

In the four days since her return to the Nathan James, Kara had been inundated. First she was looped into the political fallout from the hotel shooting because, apparently, she managed to make a positive impression on President Lemos during the negotiations. Then there were the plans for the Falklands Islands' transition ceremony to rearrange, the British government concerned that the instability in Brazil might overflow to other areas of the continent. The United States could hardly dismiss the possibility of more attacks without admitting that Vargas was the real target of the operation here, something that nobody planned on doing. So, instead, Kara was required to spend hours coordinating with her counterparts in the British and Argentinian militaries regarding the rejiggered schedule. And then, of course, there was the whole matter of her day job. Despite Kara's confidence in her crew, keeping the Nathan James operating did require some of her attention, plus Mayport was demanding frequent reports on her "kidnapping" and Danny's "improved condition". So far Kara had managed to decline all interview requests on the grounds that she was still recovering from her ordeal, but she knew that would not last forever.

All-in-all, Kara felt lucky that she had found time to pee, never mind think about whatever-the-hell-was-going-on between her and Danny. She glanced at Carlton "How did you find me?"

Carlton gave a snort. "I could say it's because I know this ship inside and out. But it's mostly because you and Green were never as sneaky as you thought."

xxxxx

"Kara?"

"Carlton!" She spun, hoping against hope that Danny would hear them and stay out of sight. She had no reason to be in storage at all, but she definitely had no reason to be here with Danny. And, idiot that she was, she hadn't thought of an excuse in case anyone caught her exiting the cabin. Kara hoped that her voice didn't give her away. "Were you looking for me?"

"Nah." Carlton grinned, giving her a lazy smile that she normally would have answered with a grin of her own. But today she was too worried about the state of her hair. Danny had a tendency to pull out the pins when she wasn't paying attention. "I'm meeting Gator and Nishioka for poker. Are you helping Rios tonight? I heard he was running low on vaseline and chap stick already and we have six weeks to go before we can leave this wasteland."

Remembering, at the very last minute, that some of the surplus medical supplies had been moved here in order to make room for the extra winter gear they were carrying, Kara forced a smile. "The dry air makes it worse. Still, overall we haven't had many injuries. Tim is thankful for that. Anyway, I better get going."

She made it fifteen feet down the p-way before Carlton called. "Oh, Kara? Have you seen Green? Benz is looking for him."

"If I see him, I'll let him know," she replied without turning around.

Finally away from Carlton, Kara ducked into the nearest bathroom, quickly checking her hair and uniform to make sure that nothing was too out of place. Splashing water on her face, she took several calming breaths before heading towards the infirmary. Wanting to cover herself just in case Carlton said something to the wrong person. Because if there was one thing that Kara knew, it was that nothing stayed a secret for very long on a destroyer.

Which is why she and Danny needed to be more careful. In fact, maybe they needed to cool things down until they were back in Norfolk. After all, the very last thing she wanted to happen on this cruise was to be called before Captain Chandler for violating the frat rules.

xxxxx

Not sure if she was more shocked or mortified to discover that Carlton knew far more about what was going on back in the Arctic than he had previously admitted, Kara reverted to no-nonsense mode. "So what did you want to discuss, XO?"

"I've heard a few rumors that I thought you would want to know about, Captain," Carlton replied.

"What kind of rumor?" Kara asked cautiously. A decent number of the crew were holdovers from the Arctic, and were therefore well aware of her past with Danny. Still, Kara had a hard time imagining Gator or Rios or even O'Connor gossiping about that fact. There seemed to be a general consensus by everyone that what happened on the Nathan James, stayed on the Nathan James.

Carlton crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back against a crate, before making a face and finding a different spot. "I read Cooper's report. Saw that there was a bit of a skirmish between you and Green at the safe house."

Kara considered that information. Based on how tight-knit Danny's team was, whatever Sasha said in that report was no doubt highly edited and unlikely to be harmful. "Yes, we disagreed on the best way to obtain the primary objective. Obviously we came to a resolution."

Carlton nodded. "I also heard from Wolf that you and Green were together in your hotel room when the shots were fired."

Irritated at Wolf for saying anything, but understanding that the team considered Carlton one of their own and therefore would have spoken freely around him, Kara shrugged. "Danny searched the room for bugs and then we had a few things to discuss."

Not a lie. Just a little misdirection. Carlton raised an eyebrow. "And the torn up gown that Azima found in the trash at the safe house?"

This was beginning to feel like interrogation. Kara gave Carlton her best Chandler glare which, predictably, did nothing. That was the problem with having an XO who had known her since they were both plebes, Carlton didn't find her the least bit intimidating. "Have you ever tried running down a street in a ball gown?"

"Have to give that a no." Carlton chuckled. "Without that lipstick on Green's neck, pretty sure nobody would have suspected a thing."

Kara's breath caught. Fuck. She tried to picture Danny in the kitchen of that hovel, just before Tex arrived, but his neck was blurry in her memory. All she could see was his face as he leaned down to give her a final kiss. We'll talk later. Okay? Kara crossed her arms over her chest, chin jutting out. "It's not a violation of regulations. We aren't assigned to the same chain of command."

Dead silence followed, then Carlton gave a low whistle. "Damn. I told Tex he was high when he claimed that something happened between the two of you at the safehouse. There goes twenty bucks."

"So wait, no lipstick?" Kara demanded, relief warring with embarrassment.

"Beats me. You know Tex. Can't believe half of the shit coming out of his mouth." Carlton was shaking his head.

"Is that why you're here, Burk?" Kara replied, toe tapping. "To give me crap about my sex life?"

Carlton's eyebrows rose almost to his hairline at her use of his last name. "You have a sex life?" Kara gave him another Chandler-esque glare and Carlton chuckled. "Nah. I figured Tex was pulling my leg and that you would roll your eyes and call me gullible for believing him. This whole thing with you and Green..." Carlton trailed off. "I really thought that the two of you were done."

"Is that why you didn't tell me that Danny and Laura broke up?" Kara asked, regretting the words as soon as they left her mouth, realizing how unfair she was being.

"No. I didn't tell you about the breakup because Danny's my friend and he asked me not to say anything. To anyone," Carlton replied evenly, emphasizing the last two words.

"Sorry. I'm not trying to put you in the middle of this," Kara murmured. Then she paused, remembering something that Danny said. "All the training exercises though?"

"Figured it out, did we?" Carlton grinned. "Nobody said that I couldn't have any fun on this cruise. And it was so easy with you avoiding Green at every turn."

Kara chuckled before dropping her head back against the container with a groan. "God, I'm such an idiot."

"So, um, you're regretting, um, what happened?"

Surprised that Carlton had not taken advantage of such an obvious opening to tease her, Kara glanced over. The distinctly uncomfortable look on his face made her smile. There were times when Carlton could be such a prude. "Hell if I know. Two months ago Danny was getting ready to marry somebody else. Last week we were colleagues negotiating a trade deal. Now we're..."

Kara trailed off. That was the thing about Danny. Everything was always so intense, so all-consuming. No time to think or talk or label what was between them.

A raging inferno, consuming everything in its path, and leaving only devastation in its wake.

The thought sobered her, and Kara sighed. "I don't know what we are, Carlton. Or what I want us to be. Assuming there is even an us to begin with. There hasn't exactly been time to talk."

"It's been five years," Carlton observed.

"I know." Kara nibbled on her lip. "You would think that we could have gotten it together by now, wouldn't you? But we're literally never in the same place. Or when we are there's always a crisis and..." She stopped, blinking, realization crystalizing in that dark storage room surrounded by crates. "And it's easier not to talk. Then we never have to deal with the past."

"Look, we both know that my track record in this department is pretty abysmal," Carlton acknowledged after a long silence. "But if you want my advice, I'd start with telling Danny what you just told me."

With that, Carlton turned to leave. Confused by the abrupt departure, Kara glanced up, and her stomach sank as she watched Carlton squeeze himself backwards so that someone else could pass him on the narrow path.

Fuck. How much had Danny heard?

Danny moved towards her, taking the spot that Carlton had just vacated. They both waited, silently, until Carlton was gone, firmly closing the door behind him.

"Brings back memories, doesn't it?" Danny said finally, glancing around at the space that was once crammed with gear for the Arctic, and now was filled with laundry soap and mosquito tents.

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"We have to stop." Kara pulled back reluctantly, wanting nothing more than to stay in Danny's arms. But she could hear the shuffle of footsteps in the p-way just feet away. "I think Carlton's already suspicious."

"Benz will cover for us," Danny replied, mouth finding the sensitive spot at the base of her neck.

Stifling a moan, she managed to hold firm. "Danny, enough."

Although he groaned, Danny didn't protest again. Instead, after they both straightened their uniforms, he leaned down to do exactly what he was supposed to be doing - gather Halsey's belongings. At least this time they thought of an excuse to be here beforehand, even if Kara's participation was somewhat questionable. "I can't wait to be off this ship. My own bathroom. A decent bed. Beer. A single, solitary moment of privacy."

Kara grinned as she took the extra booties and treats, leaving the heavy bag of food to Danny. "We haven't made a sailor out of you yet, Lieutenant?"

"When we dock, I'm taking a shower, grabbing a beer, and then finding you. In that order." At the door, Danny paused, lips brushing hers. "Actually, scratch that. You can join me for the shower and the beer. You're first on the list."

xxxxx

"Yes, it does." Kara bit her lip. "I'm not that girl anymore, Danny."

"I know." He scuffed his foot. "That guy you met five years ago, he was on top of the world. I had the job I wanted, the girl I wanted. The life that I wanted. I had it all planned out. What things would look like once we were back at Norfolk. What we would look like. I never imagined something like the virus. It felt straight out of a video game. A bad one." Danny shot Kara a rueful look. "And I didn't handle it well."

She reached out, brushing his arm. "None of us handled it well, Danny. The whole world basically imploded. I look back now and wonder how any of us got through it without completely breaking down."

"You're right about it being easier not to talk. But you tried, back after Frankie died, there at Gitmo. And again in Nicaragua." He sighed. "I just couldn't. Not then."

Kara bit her lip, hugging her arms across her chest. "You weren't the only one, Danny. After the miscarriage, I shut you out. I told myself that I was protecting you but, really, I was protecting myself. And it wasn't fair."

"No," Danny was shaking his head. "None of this is on you, Kara. What you went through was awful and I should have been there for you. But I was too wrapped up in my own shit."

She found herself laughing. "Do you hear us? Both of us insisting that everything was our fault? This is ridiculous."

"Azima would smack us upside the head for being dolts," Danny replied, chuckling.

Kara considered him. "So where does that leave us?"

"I was hoping that this mission could be a new start, and then it turned into a fiasco," Danny said, then sighed. "I'm sorry about what happened at the safe house. Pablo was supposed to keep you updated."

"I managed to figure that one out by myself." Kara thought about what Pablo had revealed, intentionally or otherwise, about Danny. Although she strongly suspected that everything Pablo did was deliberate, even if his motives were murky. "Pablo said that he was with you in Columbia when Tavo attacked the United States."

"He was," Danny confirmed. "Pablo was working with the Columbia government to try to stop the coup. He helped get the team out."

Kara nodded. Obviously there was more to the story than Danny was sharing. She had seen the way that Wolf and Azima reacted to Pablo's name, and it was not the response she would have expected if all Pablo had done was save their asses. Still, having experienced Pablo herself, Kara could imagine a dozen ways that Pablo could have alienated them. "I'm not upset with you, Danny. Although I might just shoot Pablo the next time I see him."

"That's fair." Danny chuckled, then fell quiet, and Kara wondered what he was thinking about. It was strange, really, how she could simultaneously feel as though she knew this man inside and out, and still have no idea what was going on in his head. She took a deep breath, before blurting out the question that had plagued her for five years now. "How do we know that this," she waved a hand between them, "is real? That it's not some hormonal reaction to great sex during an emotional period in our lives?"

"Great sex, eh?" Danny replied, grinning, and Kara found herself rolling her eyes. Falling right back into old patterns.

"There's even a term for it. Fucking in the face of death," Kara pressed. This was a conversation long overdue. One that she had avoided too many times before. "So how do we know?"

Danny hesitated, as though debating what to say. "Look, you aren't crazy. I've wondered at times too. Whether I was building up our relationship in my head and turning it into something more than it was."

The words stung, and yet Kara understood. Hadn't she had this very conversation with Alisha only weeks before? "And what did you decide?"

"That you're wrong."

She stared at him. That's all? Just that she was wrong?

Danny must have read her face because he quickly started talking again. "Every time we're together, Kara, it all comes rushing back. I hear you laughing at something, and I want to be the one who made you laugh. I see you frowning over a problem in the wardroom, and I want to help you figure it out. I think of things that I want to tell you a dozen times a day and have to stop myself from calling. Just being on the same ship as you makes me happy, even if I don't see you for days. None of that is about sex, Kara."

Kara closed her eyes, squeezing them shut. Understanding everything that Danny was saying, as well as everything that he hadn't said. Wasn't that the reason why she could never completely cut him off? Why, if things had played out differently, Kara would have attended Danny's wedding to Laura? Because the idea of never seeing him again hurt worse than loving a man who belonged to another? She wanted so badly to believe that they might just get a second chance. To believe that this time would be different. But if the past five years had taught Kara anything, it was that hopes and dreams rarely came true. Not for her.

"What about our jobs? I'm not leaving the James and your team travels constantly. We would hardly see each other."

"Look, I'm not saying that it's easy but other people make it work," Danny replied. "Besides, there was a reason that Cooper has been so driven to catch Vargas. She's moving to a desk job. Well, as much of a desk job as she's capable of doing. She and the Admiral are hoping to expand the family. They already started the IVF process."

Kara's breath caught. She really shouldn't be shocked by the revelation. Most people did ultimately want children, after all, and the pandemic seemed to have highlighted the importance of family for many. Hell, there had been a major population boom in the last five years. "I see."

"Shit." Apparently having picked up on her discomfort, Danny began babbling. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I forgot...I mean I didn't forget but I..."

Kara held up a hand. "Danny, stop. You didn't say anything wrong. I was just surprised. I didn't realize that Cooper and the Admiral were trying."

"They're keeping it quiet," he explained, and Kara understood the unspoken message. Nobody jumped into IVF without trying a few other things first.

"I won't tell anyone." Kara hesitated, staring at her feet, hated herself even as she forced herself to say the words that needed to be said. But if there was any chance of this working, them working, this time, she had to be honest. "I don't think I can go through that again. That's why I broke it off with Stephen. He wanted kids and just the idea...I couldn't do it."

"Okay."

Kara's head shot up. "Excuse me?"

Danny smiled then, the smile that she fell in love with, the one that lit up his entire face. "I said okay."

She blinked, disoriented. "But you've always wanted kids. I remember you joking in the Arctic about having a football team."

"The Arctic was a long time ago. Things change." Danny shifted closer, hand moving to her arm, slowly stroking up and down. "Like I told you, I thought that I had my entire life - our entire life - planned out. And sure that included kids. But then the virus hit and everything changed."

"You don't want kids anymore?" Kara asked, trying to understand what he was saying.

"Honestly? Yeah, I always imagined myself having kids someday," Danny admitted. "But if I have to make a choice, I would rather have you."

Kara stared, unable to move or breath or think. He would choose her over children? She should be ecstatic and yet...

A little girl with dark curls and a mischievous grin.

A somber little boy with sandy hair and green eyes.

The two walking hand-in-hand down the street, smiling, laughing, calling out "Mommy!".

She pushed the image away. A dream that died long ago. "But... how do you know that you won't change your mind again?"

Danny slid an arm around Kara's back, tugging her towards him until they were only centimeters apart, his hand lifting to brush a strand of hair away from her cheek. "Let me ask you a question. Do you not want kids? Or do you not want to be pregnant?"

"I don't want to be pregnant," Kara replied instantly, realizing only after she spoke that the words were true. She felt dizzy, unbalanced, as though her entire world had shifted. And, perhaps, it had. "I never thought of it that way before. I do like kids. I adore Liam."

"I heard that you got hit up to be Liam's godmother," Danny said, his free hand stroking a line down her neck. "Tex asked me to be his godfather. I think he might have been matchmaking. Which, for the record, he sucks at."

"Lord, between Tex and Carlton..." Kara shook her head, before forcing herself to return to the more important topic. "Why did you ask about whether I didn't want kids or didn't want to be pregnant?"

Danny's thumb moved to Kara's lower lip, and his eyes darkened, voice growing rough. "Watching what you went through, first with the trial and then losing the baby, I've never felt so helpless. I couldn't - wouldn't - ask you to go through that again. But there are other ways to have kids. Like adoption."

Again Kara was caught off guard. "Adoption?"

"It was something that ..." Danny trailed off, uncertain, and Kara giggled.

"You can say Laura's name." Kara rolled her eyes. "Jealousy is an entirely useless emotion."

He flashed her a smile, chuckling. "It was something that Laura and I talked about. Several of the kids in her class lost their entire family. As they get older, the kids are harder to place so many live in group homes or orphanages."

Kara recalled Ray Diaz and the other children that the Nathan James had picked up in Alabama. She never really thought about what happened to the teenagers after they reached St. Louis. Although she did know that many of them, including Ray, enlisted at seventeen and, now that she thought about it, she could remember seeing Andrea putting together packages of food and gifts for Tex and Kat to deliver on holidays.

"I never considered adoption," Kara admitted. She tipped her head to the side, considering Danny. "And if that's not what I want?"

But Danny merely smiled. "Then that's okay. Because, at the end of the day, all that I really want is to come home to you. You are the only family that I need."

She stood paralyzed, wanting desperately to say yes. To throw caution to the wind. To grab everything he was offering with both hands. And yet...

Bending down, Danny brushed his lips gently across hers. "I love you, Kara."

Tears built in her eyes. "I love you. I do. But...I'm not sure that is enough. So much happened. What if we can't move past it?"

There, she had said it. Admitted her fear, her uncertainty. She waited for him to pull away, to walk away, to reject her. Like he had before. Instead, Danny cupped her chin, his gaze steady. "We can. I know that we can, Kara. But I also know that it's going to take time. Which is why I'm not asking you to marry me. Not yet. Just asking you to think about the possibility."

"Danny..." Unable to stop herself, Kara wrapped her arms around his waist, raising her face for a kiss that quickly got out of hand. Just like the last time they met here. Kara pulled away with a sigh. "You're crazy, you know that?"

"I seem to recall hearing that once or twice." He chuckled, then his face grew stern, although his eyes danced with hidden laughter. "Anyway, no need to make a decision today, Captain. Right now you have a boat to get back to the States. And then, if you are up for it, I'd like to take you on a date."

A slow smile spread across Kara's face. After a moment, she nodded. "I'd like that too."

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To be continued...