Chapter Ten
Fredas, 15th day of Second Seed, 4E 202
My legs ached as I walked up the steep steps to Jorrvaskr. It served me right for riding as if I were possessed, although there would have been no need for me to come back if I didn't flee Riverwood. I groaned as I put another wobbly leg forward in front of the other.
This was not how I pictured returning home from my first job for the Companions. The sight of the mead hall should have been a welcome sight after everything I endured. Instead, all I wanted was some solitude and a chance to lick my wounds. No more jobs in Riverwood, I promised myself as I entered the Jorrvaskr. I was grateful that the hall was silent. The only person to greet me was Tilma, who was busy arranging the banquet table.
"Welcome back, dearie. How did your first job go?" she asked, giving me a kind smile.
"Well enough. I slayed the beast," I answered, shrugging.
"Then why do you look like someone just stole your sweet roll?"
"No reason, but thank you for your concern. Is Aela here?"
"She should be training with the others. Go see her. I'm sure she'll be glad to hear you were successful."
"I want to unpack first. If you see her before I do, would you mind letting her know I'm here?"
"You're following me first," a voice commanded.
My back stiffened, and I stifled an annoyed groan. I turned behind me to see Vilkas, donning his usual scornful look. It was a shame; he would almost be handsome if he wasn't perpetually scowling. Something must have crawled up his ass in the last twenty-odd years and refused to leave. There was nothing more I wanted than to tell him to fuck off and leave me alone. If he wanted to discuss the Riverwood job, it would have to wait.
"Now Vilkas. At least give her a moment to settle in. She got back on her first job, and successfully at that," Tilma chided.
Vilkas turned to the older woman, arms folded, but his eyes settled on me although he was addressing Tilma. "She will have plenty of time to settle in once I'm done talking to her."
"Can this wait?" I asked.
"No."
I realized there was no sense in arguing with him if he was in such a foul mood, but then, he was always in a foul mood. "Fine. Lead the way, Companion."
He tilted his head to motion me to follow him and, without waiting to see if I had listened, continued to the living quarters. I followed him down the stairs, trying not to wince as I went down each step. Whatever he wants to tell me off for, Riverwood or not, it better be worth having to go down these damned steps, I thought. I tried not to let my eyes linger on the whelp chambers as we passed by. It was empty right now. He took away the one chance I had to be alone before the others returned, and for what? Some useless complaint?
Vilkas led me to his quarters. It was the first time I had been inside a Circle's members' chambers. The gossip was that the Circle had the most spacious rooms, but then, anything seemed more spacious when you were sharing a room with four other people. The gossip was true. His room was bigger than what we whelps shared, with his double bed that was neatly made. It was also furnished with a desk full of scrolls at the corner of the room. The shelf was filled to the brim with books and various trinkets, including what I thought were ice wraith teeth. I wondered if he even noticed he had prime alchemical ingredients lying around without being used. It pained my inner alchemist.
Vilkas passed behind the divider near his bed and walked out with a stack of books seconds later. What is he doing? I wondered as he started placing them on the shelves. Did he seriously summon me down here so I could watch him rearrange his book collection? I thought. My body ached, and I was exhausted, as well as hungover. If he wanted to rip into me for my poor behavior, he should just get it over with instead of having me guess what awful thing I did this time.
"You summoned me down here?" I prompted.
"I hear there was an incident with Njada," he said.
"There was," I answered, gritting my teeth here. This was starting a line of questioning I didn't want to answer.
"She said the entire courtyard shook as you yelled at her."
"That is the gist of it, but it isn't quite what it seems."
Vilkas stopped his book shuffling, looking at me as if he didn't believe a single word I said, then returned to his task. My patience was running thin. If he wanted to put all his precious books away, he could do that on his own time. I would rather go back to my room to pretend Riverwood didn't happen.
He shoved the last book into my hands. It was black, with the symbol of the empire etched silver in the middle of it—a dragon surrounded by wings to form a diamond shape. My legs nearly gave out here. He knew. No one in the courtyard indicated that Eorlund's reasoning of me enchanting my armor was anything other than true. Now I questioned just how many of them had suspected, or if Vilkas remained the only one.
"I don't like being lied to, whelp. So we're going to try this again. Either tell me what happened in the courtyard or I'll pry it out of you," he said, glowering over me. He was close, a bit too close. I took a step back here, not tearing my eyes away from him. I refused to let him intimidate me as he often did. Companion or not, I didn't like people prying into my life.
"You think you know who I am, don't you?" I asked, trying to match his searing gaze.
"It wasn't hard to figure out with the whispers amongst the holds."
I pinched the bridge of my nose. Great. He's put me in a position where I have no choice but to be honest, I thought. He was smart enough to make sense of the evidence. I hated this, and I hated myself more. If I hadn't been so sloppy with Njada, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
"I might be Dragonborn, but…"
"Let's get one thing clear. I don't give a damn about old prophecies. I don't care about your statuses or titles. Actions speak for themselves. When you're here, you're an equal. You get no special treatment."
"I never expected anything else," I said, and Vilkas scoffed at me.
"Really? Is that why you lied to Kodlak and I when you came?"
My heart sank into my stomach, unable to mask my discomfort at his revelation. I wanted to say it was the horrible day I had, but Vilkas saw right through me. He knew his words got the reaction he wanted.
"So the rumors are true," he said, eying me with newfound condescension. He snatched the book back from me and placed it on the shelf. Infuriating asshole.
"What rumors?" I asked, hoping he didn't hear the nervousness edging into my voice. Vilkas knew more than I assumed. Nosy bastard.
"You were on a cart to Helgen. Some sort of criminal, they say. You're not some idle traveller from High Rock like you claimed."
"Do you interrogate every recruit in this way?"
"Only the dishonest ones."
I needed to sit down and stay far away from him. He prodded into my business. I didn't like it, or him, one bit. If he wasn't such an intrusive asshole, I would have said something in time. Being Dragonborn was my secret to share, not his. He complained about my trustworthiness, but he did nothing to prove himself to me. I opened my mouth, half-expecting to mention that, but remained silent. If I spoke up, he would take that as a provocation. Not worth it, Sylanitte, not worth it, I thought, hoping it would calm me down. I had to end the conversation before I said or did something I would regret.
"Fine. I apologize for lying. I'll walk a straight line, now can I leave?" I asked.
Vilkas wasn't about to let me go. He barked out a laugh, but the humor didn't reach his eyes."You? Walk a straight line? That's a good one. Between wandering in the courtyard when you're not supposed to, using magic, and intimidating others with your voice, do you think that's walking a straight line?"
Those first two were true enough, although I did offer to use my magic to help him. Since context didn't seem to matter to him, I determined it was unwise to remind him of why I wanted to use my magic in the first place. We agreed not to talk about the incident in the courtyard. Bringing it up then would provoke his temper further and I couldn't afford it, not when I heard the underlying threat in his words. That last point, however, was somewhat untrue.
"That wasn't my Thu'um," I countered.
"Oh? What was it then? An earthquake?" he asked, not bothering to keep the ire out of his voice.
"My Thu'um is much more powerful than what happened in the courtyard. I wouldn't have used it on her."
"How am I supposed to know that? What confidence have you given me in your character? You may have a good arm, but I don't know what Kodlak saw in you that made you so special."
I sighed, looking down at my feet here. That was one thing that I agreed with him. I didn't need him reminding me of it.
"I don't know either. I joined the Companions because I wanted to use my blade for good, for honor. That I'm the Dragonborn shouldn't matter. You have to believe that if nothing else."
"That's enough for one day. You wouldn't want to be the first and only Dragonborn kicked out of the Companions before they had their initiation. Go now and don't cause anymore trouble. "
Vilkas returned to his books, and I presumed our conversation was over. Nothing I would say or do at this point would convince him to trust me. I knew enough that Vilkas was a man of words, not actions. He opposed letting me join the ranks of the Companion when I first arrived. For weeks, I had tiptoed around everyone, hoping that I could blend in if I didn't start any trouble. Now I saw it wouldn't be so simple.
"And no more shouting," he added, still not looking away from his shelf.
I paused at the threshold, glaring at him as he continued to rearrange his collection.
"That was not my Thu'um," I insisted once more.
"Mhmm."
I shook my head, incredulous to his attitude. He was a smart man able to piece together who I was with the evidence presented to him, or maybe he sought it for all I knew. He confronted me with that information and I didn't deny any of it, knowing I couldn't hide it any longer. I hadn't liked it, but I did it. I was truthful once more in telling him I didn't use the Voice on Njada. He chose not to believe me.
"Would you like proof, Companion?" I asked, my tone dangerously low as the Thu'um tickled at my throat. What would happen if I sent him right into the bookshelf? I wondered. He turned back to me, his eyes glowing that same shade of gold I noticed in the courtyard.
Almost as if sensing what I was thinking, he hissed, "I have Kodlak's ear. Don't forget that."
It was unwise for me to stay any longer; I strode towards my quarters, seething over our exchange. There was no reason for him to affect me the way he did. It was so easy to make assumptions about others based on scraps of information. He was smart enough to figure out you're Dragonborn, a voice whispered. What if he's right about the other parts too? I shook my head. No. He may have been right about me being Dragonborn and Helgen, but not the rest. If it hadn't been for everything with Hadvar, I would have sent him to Oblivion in an urn.
I sat on the edge of my bed, lost in thought, angry about what happened. Fuck Vilkas and his attitude. Fuck Hadvar and his sweetness. The tears shouldn't have stung my eyes the way they did, neither should my first job for the Companions feel like a hollow victory.
"Anyaie?" someone called out. "You here?"
I could hear her footsteps quickening towards our room. If I had any intentions of hiding, Ria dashed them the moment she walked through the door. She frowned as soon as she laid eyes on me. I must have looked pathetic out of my training clothes, my dull brown hair tied into a haphazard braid, and my eyes lined with dark circles. This wasn't the way she should see. She sat down next to me here, the bed creaking at both of our weights.
"Tilma told me I might find you here. Did Vilkas tell you off too badly?" Ria asked.
"He did, but it's not him," I admitted, hoping that would satisfy her curiosity so I could be left in peace.
"Did you not kill the sabre cat?" she asked.
"No, no. That was fine. Don't worry about me, please. I will be fine."
"You're not fine now. Tilma noticed you were off as soon as you were back. I don't want to force you to talk, but keeping it inside like this can't be healthy for you."
I let out an empty laugh and looked at her. What wasn't healthy was me pushing away the only man I had ever loved. My fear poisoned and spoiled the closest thing I had to a romantic relationship. Suffering was the consequence of my actions and I only had myself to blame. Ria would try to make me feel better, a caring I didn't think I deserved.
My eyes wandered to the ground as I ran a hand through my hair, undoing my messy braid. "I fucked up, Ria. What else is there to know?" I asked, my voice gravelly. It was bad enough having to admit it to myself, let alone Ria.
"How did you fuck up? Are you talking about Vilkas or Njada? Because Njada had it coming, you know. I can try talking about it with Vilkas and…"
"I don't care about what happened with Njada!" I snapped.
Her eyes narrowed at me here, taken aback by my outburst. Ria didn't deserve my wrath; she wanted to help. All I did was push her further away from me. I'm an idiot, I thought. I joined the Companions hoping to help others. Rubbing at my temples, I realizedthe people of Skyrim didn't need help: I did. All I accomplished was scaring someone away with my Thu'um, lying about my identity, and treating people who cared about me like waste. My callousness never hurt before; but then, no one had expected anything other from a distant village whore who so happened to be the healer and the alchemist's daughter. These people expected more from me and I failed them. The guilt wretched at my gut now. I owed it to Ria to make things right.
I laid a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry. It's nothing to do with Njada or Vilkas. But he didn't help. It's… it's about a man in Riverwood," I explained, softening my tone.
Ria nodded in understanding, listening as I retold what happened with Hadvar. I didn't hold anything back. I explained what happened at Helgen before I recounted the days and nights I had spent with him. Sometimes the nostalgia tugged at my lips, trying to twist them into a smile, but it hurt too much. My voice quavered when I told her I never responded to his letters. The truth of it all came crashing down on me as the tears spilled, just like at The Sleeping Giant only hours ago. Ria took my hands in hers, murmuring that it was going to be fine. I wasn't able to speak about it anymore, but Ria remained a comforting presence. It never struck me that I needed to have someone listen until she was there. I wasn't sure if she would become my shield-sibling, but I had a friend.
"Anyhow, I drove him away and I can't do anything about it. Then our noble companion threatened to out me to Kodlak," I concluded, clearing my throat and wiping away the tears with my sleeves.
"Out you? About Helgen? You've got nothing to worry about. If you're innocent like you claim you are, Kodlak won't care. Vilkas is being a controlling ass."
"It's… it's not just that he knows. He knows who I am. I'm surprised the others don't, or at least, they haven't approached me about it."
"So it's true, then?" she asked.
"Yes, Ria. I'm the Dragonborn, not a traveller from High Rock. I'm sorry I wasn't honest sooner."
I waited for her ire, her disbelief, something to indicate she wasn't happy with me. The tears prickled my eyes again. If Ria would turn away after keeping the truth from her, I'd understand, but it would hurt. My worries washed away with her reassuring smile, hugging me. Under normal circumstances, I would have pushed her away. Hugging others always felt strange. You're standing there, touching, unmoving with someone else, resulting in nothing. Ria proved otherwise, taking the time to find me and offer me comfort. She didn't have to care beyond being the most recent recruit to the Companions after me and occasionally offering some advice. She always went beyond that.
Ria put her hands on my shoulders, forcing me to face her, and said, "Listen to me. I remember what it's like being the newest one, wanting to prove yourself. You want to be taken seriously for your own merits, not the assumptions others make of you. Companions earn their glory through deeds, not titles. You're trying to do that too. I respect that and the others will too."
"Will they though?" I asked, wiping my leaky nose with my hand, but only because my sleeves were too damp.
"Eventually. You know how many times Njada called me a Thalmor lover and an Imperial whore?"
"Why doesn't that surprise me?" I asked, rolling my eyes.
"Because it shouldn't. And for your Riverwood man? I mean, I'm not good with men but, it sounds like you two had something special. Are you sure you want to give up on it?"
"He'd never take me back at this point." I thought about what she asked. If he would take me back, would I even want to? If I did, why had I gone through the effort of hurting him the way I did?
"You're sure?"
"You didn't see the way he looked at me. His eyes… I broke his heart… I shouldn't have…"
"But you did. You can't run away from those feelings forever. But for now, mourn him. Get him out of your system. Tell you what, why don't we go to The Bannered Mare and get shitfaced together?"
I snorted at the choice of words, but I was in; it might actually be fun having someone else to wallow with. I was about to tell her so until we heard someone clear their throat at the threshold of our room. We both spun our heads to see Aela, eying us curiously as she leaned on the door frame. I bet she doesn't have to deal with these issues, I thought. Aela was one of the most beautiful women I've seen and unfairly so, but that was a different story. It wasn't just that she was good-looking. It was the way she carried herself, as if no man or beast could overcome her. She seemed as with men as she was in battle. Was any man good enough for Aela anyway?
"Is there a problem here, sister?" she asked, addressing Ria.
"Oh, well uh, Anyaie is having some problems," Ria answered, her face turning a bright shade of red.
"Vilkas?" she asked me.
"No. Please. It's fine, Companion…"
Her stoic green eyes softened. She entered the room and laid a tentative hand on my shoulder. I flinched at her touch and resisted the urge to move away. Aela didn't seem like the sympathetic type, neither were we close enough for me to expect such a gesture. She didn't have to be here any more than Ria did. Addled as I was from what happened in Riverwood, I had enough sense to know that you didn't shrug off a kind deed.
"Don't let him intimidate you. We both know how to keep our heads while the men let their hearts rule. No one can make you feel unworthy unless you allow them. Don't forget that, Dragonborn," she said.
Aela offered me a smile. She realized Eorlund lied in the courtyard and chose not to call me out when it happened. At least Aela wasn't reprimanding me as her shield-sibling did. I shouldn't need the encouragement or the praise. I wasn't some silly five-year-old who successfully used a healing spell for the first time when she scraped her knee. All I could do was nod, feeling awkward for not saying anything.
Ria, being my saving grace, asked, "Was there anything else?"
"I came to offer payment for the job in Riverwood. Here," Aela said, handing me a bag filled with gold. "400 Septims."
"400? I would understand 300, but that makes little sense. It was an overgrown cat," I said.
Aela let out a small laugh. "Oh you truly are humble. Well, I wouldn't have paid you that much for it, but turned out the bard is grateful and decided you were worth the extra coin."
"Aela, send 100 back. I can't..."
"No. You earned your keep, new blood. You have brought glory to your name and to the Companions. Be proud. In fact, I have another job lined up for you, but I'd rather you not push yourself. Take the rest of the day off."
"I could take it on," Ria chimed in, her voice ridiculously bright and cheery considering the circumstances. Perhaps that was me being bitter. Anything sounds irritating enough when you're upset.
Aela cocked an eyebrow. "Eager for another job so soon? I have the information here. See me before you go so we can discuss."
Ria's nod was enthusiastic as Aela handed her a parchment paper. She was aglow as though she had been rewarded all the silver from Cidhna Mine.
"I should get back to the whelps in the yard. Come to me with any troubles, new blood. The men may not always get it, but I will. And you," she said, turning to Ria. "You're a true shield-sister. Keep doing what you're doing."
"I will!" Ria said.
One of Aela's brows twitched and Ria cleared her throat before saying, "I will. Thank you, sister."
Aela took her leave, but that dreamy look remained on Ria's face. Why is she so starry-eyed? I thought. Aela was a wonderful warrior, sure, and it was sisterly of her to check in on me the way she did. But Ria's overabundant enthusiasm was bordering on the ridiculous. I was about to make a nasty comment just to spite her, but bit my tongue. It wasn't Ria's fault she was happy and I was not.
"I should get ready for that job in Dawnstar," Ria said, flinging herself off the bed. "Are you sure you're going to be okay on your own?"
"I will be," I promised her.
"Good. And hey. If you want to be with someone, you shouldn't be scared to go for it, you know? You might actually be happy that way. Oh wait, that sounds bad. I mean, you don't need a relationship to be happy, but…"
"I know, point taken. Thank you. Now go. Bring honor and if it's a frost troll, try to not get yourself killed."
Ria smirked and ran off to see Aela, giving me a chance to reflect on what she said. I hadn't imagined wanting to be with anyone for more than a night was possible. It served me right after the men whose hearts I broke.
Much to both of my parents' chagrin, there were whispers about me in the village. "That Sylanitte girl would get fucked by anything that moved," or "she's a great fuck, but she's cold." Some were less kind, insinuating I was a worshipper of Dibellan arts or calling me a whore. Whether or not I was a whore, I enjoyed sex. Love was another monster. I never felt a need for it. The most I aspired to "love" before I lived in Skyrim was a marriage of convenience with an absent husband, if only to appease my parents. With their deaths and my unexpected "move" to Skyrim, I stopped considering marriage altogether. Love could fall to the wayside, or at least it did until Hadvar.
Hadvar. I laid back in bed and let out a frustrated groan. Gods damn that man. He was the only person who could turn me into a leaking mess of phlegm and tears. No one else could do that to me—not the shitty and selfish farmhand that I lost my virginity to, or the butcher's boy who would bring me flowers, to the plethora of other men who weren't worth my time. No. It took almost dying at Helgen to find the one man who could make me feel anything romantic. Under normal circumstances, I would have laughed at the thought, but it only made me feel worse. I felt ridiculous loving him as much as I did, and for what? The loss and terror we experienced at Helgen? Dibella and Mara, how stupid was I?
Enough, I thought, pulling myself out of bed. This is pathetic. I need to distract myself. It was a shame Ria couldn't accompany me to The Bannered Mare, but it didn't stop me from going alone. At least I could drink myself to sleep, or even better, if I found some company while doing so. If not, I could pick a fight with Mikael, the skeevy bard that regularly played at the inn. That settled it.
I decided to fix myself. I brushed out my ashen brown hair, pulling it back into a braid and grinned at the looking glass. Having my hair pulled back highlighted my sharp cheekbones and my narrow chin, all reminders of my distant Elven heritage. The black powder lining my lids brought out the blue in my eyes, which was further accentuated by my choice of a simple pale blue dress. I didn't have the curvaceous figure that some men liked, nor was I as well-endowed as some other women, but the dress still hugged my figure in a way that was altogether flattering. It had been a while since I had bothered paying this much attention to my appearance. Hadvar couldn't have me, but anyone else could for a night, and for free no less. What a bargain! I thought.
By the time I made it upstairs, Ria left while the others were in the yard. Tilma slipped me a sweet roll here and squeezed my shoulder. I grinned at her. The old woman always had our backs. I took a bite of the treat, savoring its sweetness. She never ceased to amaze me. The roll was still hot and the sticky icing coated my fingers, but I'd be damned if it didn't taste exquisite. She must have added a dash of lemon in there because there was a citrusy note to it. On an otherwise awful day, that sweet roll was the only thing that brightened my mood.
The sweet roll made me happy until the front door opened to a terrible smell. I choked over the dessert, spitting it out into my hands. It reminded me of that farmhand, but worse. Whatever appetite I had vanished in an instant. I was sure it smelled like that one time I found a decomposing mouse corpse in the woods. My eyes watered at the stench.
It turned out that the source of the awful odor was none other than Farkas. His long black hair was a disaster with twigs and leaves buried as if some small animal made its home. His typical war paint was smudged from the sweat and dirt on his face. Worse than that, there was something brown and thick on his dented armor. He waved at me, a lopsided grin on his face as if he wasn't covered in goop that slid off his dented armor. A hand rushed to my mouth and nose as if it could calm my roiling stomach.
"Back from your first job?" he asked.
I nodded, but I didn't trust myself to speak. How could one man be so oblivious to his filth and stench? Thankfully, I didn't have to. Skjor came into the hall, looking like he wanted to say something when I saw his entire face twist in disgust. I could have sworn I heard him trying to suppress a gag. I've never sympathized more with a Companion than I did then with Skjor.
"Shor's ball, Farkas! Go clean up! You're stinking the whole hall up with mammoth shit!" Skjor snapped.
"Oh right," Farkas said, flushing underneath the muck on his face, not taking his eyes off me. "Uh, I'll catch you later. I wanna hear about…"
"Now, boy!" Skjor boomed, and Farkas scampered.
Skjor went outside soon after, probably to breathe, leaving the door open behind him to air out the hall. Tilma heard Skjor's yelling and started cleaning Farkas' mess. I offered to help, but she waved me off, telling me to get into a new pair of clothes. According to her, shit has a way of clinging to fabric. I did as she told me, but I was more worried about the lingering odor in my nostrils.
As I headed out of the whelp quarters, I saw Farkas making his way upstairs. He was out of his armor, wearing a simple tunic and trousers, with a pair of worn-out boots. It was the first time I saw him out of his armor. Then again, it wasn't as if I ever spoke to him or considered his company. Our interactions were limited to an order or two, and the occasional training session when I was lucky enough to have one. He wasn't one to talk much. Besides, I still wasn't sure what to make of him. He seemed fine enough that first day, but the talk amongst the others was that he was fine, if not a bit slow.
"Companion," I called out.
Farkas turned and gave me a nod.
"Hey, going to celebrate your first job?" he asked.
"I am," I answered.
"Alone?" he asked.
"I was going to go to The Bannered Mare with Ria, but she took some work from Aela."
"If you still wanna go, I'd come with you. I mean, uh, if you want me there."
The offer took me by surprise. What surprised me even more was hearing myself saying he could join. You know what they say: any company is better than no company. Maybe this will be an interesting evening after all, I thought.