April 11, 2011

"I've made a list."

Harry smiled. Of course she'd made a list. He had just come back from picking up lunch for them. Ruth was almost back to herself after the stabbing and subsequent surgery that had repaired her lung. And it was just in time, as she would be going into surgery tomorrow to remove as much of the tumors as possible. Harry had brought her what would be her last meal until after the surgery; she had stomach cancer, so it was important she didn't eat within twenty-four hours of the operation.

They were nearly done with their sandwiches from Ruth's favorite little café when Ruth brought up her preparations for her surgery. The first had been an emergency. This was scheduled. They had time to plan. And Harry was here to help her with whatever she needed.

"Tell me your list. You can give it to me when I leave tonight," he said. This was not the first time they'd done this. They'd developed a good routine where she would write everything down and explain it to him, so when he saw the list itself, it reminded him of everything she'd said.

"Right, so I know I won't be able to do it before tomorrow, but I would like you to set up an appointment with a solicitor to come by and see me."

Harry frowned at that. "Why?"

"I need to make some changes to my will."

"What!?"

"I have one already, and it's perfectly serviceable in case I don't survive the surgery, but if I do…"

"When you do," he interjected.

She glared at him slightly. He'd been trying to be the optimistic one between them, as Ruth's insistence on realism was quite frightening for him. It was odd, though. Harry was not used to being the optimistic one in any circumstance.

"Go on," he prompted. "When you survive the surgery...?"

Ruth huffed slightly. "When I survive the surgery, there's some things I'd like to make arrangements for in my estate. Because we know the surgery is just the first step in the cancer treatment. So just in case anything happens later on."

"Fine. After you get out of surgery tomorrow, I'll call for an appointment with my solicitor for you. He'll come here for you," Harry agreed with a nod. That was a horrifically morose place to start while they were having a nice lunch, but he did understand Ruth's feelings. His own affairs had been arranged for quite some time, and the most recent update had been in place for about a year, since after he'd survived his suspension following the Albany incident. The papers were all properly arranged and safely tucked away in one of the drawers of his desk. When Ruth finally was healed and came out of hospital, he'd tell her about them. Actually, since they'd be moving to her new house in Suffolk, he'd just put them somewhere safe after their move. But that was certainly putting the cart before the horse. "What else is on your list?"

She continued, "I'll need more clothes. The ones I've got here have been worn a couple times and need laundering."

He nodded. "I can do the laundry for you. That's not a problem."

"Thank you, Harry," she replied with sincere gratitude. She'd mentioned more than once now that she felt awful having to rely on him like this. Never mind that he liked having something to do, to know that he was actually being a help to her. And it had only been a week. He wasn't nearly tired of it all yet.

"I'll get some other things for you to wear when I go over and see Jaffa in the morning."

Ruth's face suddenly fell.

"What?"

"Jaffa. He's on my list, too."

"I've been going over to see him every day, Ruth. He's being fed and I think he likes me now. We have a grand time of it. He doesn't need to be on your list," Harry pointed out.

"I think he does," she disagreed. "I don't know when I'll ever be able to go home. I don't think it'll be at all within the next month. Probably longer with the treatment plan Doctor Blake has for me. It's not fair to him to be in a house and just see you for a few minutes here and there. He's a shelter cat, and I adopted him, thinking I'd be able to give him a home. And I can't now. So I…I was hoping you could ask Erin if Rosie might like to have him. I know it's a lot to ask, taking on a new pet. But you know how sweet he is, and I think Rosie would love him."

Harry felt his heart crack in his chest. Ruth was, once again, being realistic and utterly depressing. She was right, he knew. It wasn't fair to a pet to be in this circumstance. Harry couldn't take the cat either, since he was with Ruth as much as possible and was only home to sleep for a few hours each day. Erin's daughter would be perfect for Jaffa, if Erin didn't mind having a cat. But Harry had a feeling that if he explained the situation and said that Ruth specifically wanted Rosie to have Jaffa, she would take the cat in. "You realize," he said, realizing it himself, "if you give Jaffa to Rosie, you can't very well take him back when you go home."

Ruth gave a tight smile. "Yes, I know. We'll just have to get ourselves another rescue cat when we move to Suffolk."

That was the first time in days that Harry had heard any sort of talk of the future from her. Any hint that they'd make it through this, that they'd get to leave this hospital together, and she would be healthy and whole, and they would be able to live happily ever after. And in that moment, Harry vowed that as soon as they arrived in Suffolk with their furniture, he'd find an animal shelter out there and take her to find another cat. They'd have their happy home and Ruth would have another cat to love. Everything would surely turn out alright.

"Unless you hate cats," she added worriedly.

Harry gave a small chuckle at that. "I don't mind cats. And you don't feel at home without a cat, I'd imagine, so we'll get one. I've never actually lived with a cat before. I grew up with dogs and I got a puppy for the children when they were young. And of course I used to have Scarlett, you remember?"

She gave a soft smile. Scarlett had adored Ruth, though Ruth had not come over to see Scarlett or Harry nearly as often as either of them would have liked. Scarlett had gotten old and feeble and sick while Ruth was in exile, and Harry had been heartbroken to put her down. Though at the time he still had Ruth's old cat, Fidget.

"Fidget was the first cat I ever lived with, actually. We got along quite well, once we got used to each other. I think I'll like living with a cat again. And with you," Harry pondered aloud.

Ruth's smile grew at that. "I think that would be wonderful. And you're right, I don't feel at home without a cat. That was the one thing that had been lacking in Cyprus. George was allergic to cats, so I couldn't get one once I felt stable enough to stay in one place for a while."

Harry felt slightly deflated at that. He did not like being reminded that Ruth had played house with a tall, handsome Cypriot man for almost a whole year. She'd been happy, she'd been loved, she'd enjoyed her simple, elegant life. And he had not been a part of it.

And were it not for George's death, she would have surely gone back to Cyprus with him and had a family. Instead, she had returned to Harry as a widow who lost the child she loved. She had been kidnapped and nearly killed countless times over. And when she'd finally broken free, she had not been able to rid herself of the danger that darkened Harry's days. When she'd been bleeding in his arms up on that hill, all Harry could think of was how it was all his fault.

Ruth must have noticed that he was getting upset. She reached out for his hand. When he put his in hers, she gave him a comforting squeeze.

"Harry, do you remember what you told me after I'd decided on the aggressive treatment plan?"

"What did I say?"

"You said I'd not be alone. And I believed you."

"I meant it, Ruth," he insisted.

"And I mean it when I tell you the same thing. I…" She trailed off, frowning slightly.

"You what?"

Ruth blushed slightly and looked down at their clasped hands. "I don't mean to be trite or annoyingly poetic, but I promise that you won't be alone as long as my heart beats. I want you, Harry. I want us to be together. I want to get well and have our life. I won't change my mind. I don't regret anything that's ever happened that led us to this. It was all worth it if we can be together and we can be happy."

He wanted to take her in his arms and kiss her and promise that they would always be together and he'd make her happy as long as he lived. But Harry knew better. He knew he could not make that promise. He knew that Ruth would not let him.