been waiting to write this for 84 years
Elsa found her sewing kit in a drawer one day. She hadn't touched it since the last time she saw her parents, but for once, she felt like she could actually pick up a needle and create something of worth. She couldn't remember the last time she hadn't woken up feeling miserable, but it was Saturday morning, Anna would sleep for several more hours, and so it was the perfect moment to start. She designed her project by creating layers of ice and taking the measurements, and by the time Anna knocked on her door, Elsa had already realized she couldn't complete it before traveling to Finnmark. She'd need Honeymaren's help with something.
"Buorre…" Anna yawned. "...iđit. Good morning"
Elsa tried to keep her expression neutral but she couldn't hold back her smile. Anna held two guvssit with hot chocolate in her hands, and offered one to her big sister.
"Ipmil atte. Good morning," Elsa greeted her, accepting the guksi her sister offered. Anna yawned again and rubbed her eyes as soon as her hand was free. She still wore her nightclothes, could barely hold her eyes open and had her hair sticking out in all directions. Elsa couldn't help but chuckle as she brought the guksi to her lips. "You didn't have to"
"I wanted to," Anna explained. "Wait, did you already have breakfast?"
"I didn't, actually," Elsa replied. It wasn't entirely healthy, but she'd been struck by an idea. Breakfast could wait.
"Oh, good. I mean, not good," Anna corrected herself. "You should eat more. I'm just glad I didn't force you to eat breakfast twice"
Elsa smiled again. Oh, heaven, she was adorable. How had she gotten so lucky to have Anna as her little sister?
"Can I sit on your bed?" Anna groggily asked. "I woke up early to make you breakfast"
Elsa glanced at the clock. It was certainly not early.
Years earlier, she would have immediately kicked Anna out of her room.
"Of course," she said now. That bright smile of hers was worth it. It was worth the painful pull at her heartstrings, the way her hands twitched with the desire to tuck her hair behind her ear. Her lips all but tingled with the need to kiss her skin.
Elsa returned to her desk and continued to cut out the paper patterns. Thin frost grew where her fingers met the scissor handle.
Anna moaned sleepily.
"What are you working on?" She mumbled.
"It's a surprise," Elsa told her, unable to hide her grin.
"For whom?"
It was silly. There was no real point in lying and telling Anna she wasn't working on her birthday present, was there? Yet Elsa playfully refused.
"That's a surprise as well"
She glanced at Anna to find her pouting and hugging a pillow to her chest, her empty guksi abandoned on the sheets. She rested her cheek on top of the pillow and closed her eyes, too tired to insist.
Oh… goodness. Elsa's heart skipped a beat. Anna was…
All happiness vanished. Elsa swallowed, tore her eyes away from her sister, and took a deep breath. She needed to find a balance. She had to keep her close enough not to hurt her and far enough to keep her safe. She feared what Anna would do if she got the wrong idea. And Elsa feared what she, herself, would do if she lost control of herself. If she took her face between her hands and kissed her.
And there went her good day. Elsa already knew it would be plagued by guilt and anxiety.
She buried her face in her hands, out of shame and frustration. She was lucky Anna had fallen back asleep and couldn't see her like this.
Her phone rang all day, even at work, where Elsa received multiple judgmental glares from her boss and coworkers. She'd clumsily giggled like a useless kid as she tried to shut it up. She didn't dare turn it off (what if Kai Andersen needed to tell her something? What if something happened to Anna?), but she'd already blocked five different numbers and he kept finding a way to call her.
"Don't answer," Anna insisted over dinner. "You can't give him what he wants"
Elsa didn't promise she wouldn't because she wasn't sure she could control herself. She was growing desperate, and she worried it was something she truly needed to know, and not simple punishment from her Grandfather.
She wasn't sure why she'd picked the phone in the end. Maybe because he'd simply worn her out, maybe because the way Anna looked at her made her stress levels spike up. She wasn't feeling alright. She wasn't thinking clearly.
She waited until Anna left for school.
"H-Hello?" She started, screwing her eyes shut and mentally chastising herself for stuttering.
"Who am I speaking to?" A gruff voice asked, and oh, no, Elsa hadn't been ready for it. Not really. Every muscle in her body involuntarily tensed up.
She swallowed and said:
"You speak to Elsa of Arendelle"
"Elsa of Arendelle," the man repeated. If it weren't for the gloves, Elsa would have already frozen her phone. "It's been many years, Elsa"
"I-Indeed," Elsa nodded. She needed to take the reins of the exchange before he got the chance to do so himself, so she added: "You've been calling me, Grandfather"
"I have, indeed" Grandfather replied. "And you only answer now"
"I…" She was about to apologize, but then she shook her head. "I don't need to give explanations to you"
There was a pause.
"I thought I'd be talking to an adult," Grandfather taunted her. "Let's get to the point. You and your sister's can't stay up there alone. You will be coming with me by the end of the month. Pack up your things. I will deal with the rest"
Elsa blinked. She gripped her phone tighter.
"No," she stated, shaking her head.
"No?" Grandfather's voice felt like ice piercing her ears. "What makes you think you have a right to decide that?"
Elsa inhaled sharply.
"I'm an adult now," she explained. "And my parents named me Anna's temporary guardian. I will continue to have legal guardianship of her until the end of March, and we'll have arranged a permanent guardianship with the Longyearbyen Community Council by then"
She cringed at her own words. She was revealing too much information.
"You intend to make this difficult, don't you, Elsa?" Said Grandfather. "I shouldn't have expected better from you. You always liked to make things difficult"
The crack of ice beneath her feet made her flinch.
"A-Anyway," she cleared her throat. "Anna and I are not leaving Svalbard, so I think this conversation is over. Goodbye, Grandfather"
"Agnarr was irresponsible to leave her in your care," Grandfather said, and Elsa told herself she'd end the call in that instant but her body wouldn't move. It was frozen. "You've always been a smart kid. I don't understand how you could be foolish enough to think you can live on your own, let alone while looking after a minor. You think you are an adult, but you are really just a girl." Elsa heard his heavy breathing. "Quit fooling around, Elsa. Pack up your things. I will call you tomorrow to make sure you're following my indications"
Elsa opened her mouth to protest, but he hung up before she could get another word in. She raised her head to find the entire living room frozen.
It would be a lie to say Elsa hadn't thought about Dr. Weselton in the years after their last session. The shame of what she'd done— telling the truth— still punished her feeble heart. She hated him. She hated herself. She hated the way he'd made her feel for so many years and still… she found herself in his office once more, around the middle of February.
Things weren't going well at work. Her boss was growing exasperated with her, which caused her powers to get out of control, which only further contributed to her anxiety. It was a vicious cycle of tension and desperation. She couldn't remember the last time she had a warm meal, because she'd freeze her cutlery as soon as she touched it, and Anna insisted she wasn't making the house cold at all, yet she wore extra sweaters whenever Elsa was around. It had been worst during Sámi álbmotbeaivi on the 6th, when she found Mama's old scarf in a drawer. She'd pretty much frozen the entire kitchen that day, and had they had any plans for their holiday (which they didn't) they would all have been quickly abandoned to scrap the ice off the walls and furniture before it damaged the wood. And then the heat froze, which wasn't a new or even unnatural occurrence in Longyearbyen, yet Elsa still convinced herself it was her fault, and Anna showed up at Kristoff's doorstep for an impromptu sleepover (lihkku beivviin!) while Elsa stayed behind, to sleep in the cold.
It… it didn't bother her. The cold. It did not bother her. She had no reason to cry at all. Oh, she was pathetic.
One of the things about being an orphan was the possibility of choice. She could choose what to eat and what to cook and at what time she'd go to sleep. She repeated the patterns their parents had taught them, but on a conscious level this time. It was like suddenly realizing you were breathing. She now had to do it herself.
This, of course, meant she was immensely lost, and lonely.
And then at night, she started thinking about her parents. And about Anna. And about her feelings for Anna and how much she needed her mother's arms around her at that moment, but she was gone, she was gone and so was Papa, and they would never come back. She was alone now.
And, of course, then came Grandfather, who called her every day with even more insistence than before. Blocking his number helped, but not for long, and Elsa was beginning to believe he simply bought a new phone whenever she blocked him. If he continued, she'd end up freezing her phone just to escape him. Anna had started setting her own alarm every morning so Elsa could turn off hers, but while she was at Kristoff, she had to keep her phone on and close to her, so she was ready to answer if Anna needed something. Granted, Anna never called, but Grandfather did, although not as often as he did during the daytime (if it could be called so when the sun did not rise). More than once Elsa bolted awake fearing something had happened to her sister only to find his number on her screen.
They couldn't get someone to fix the heat until at least most of the ice was gone, which took nearly half a week, but by the time everything was fixed and Anna was home the cold still lingered in the air. Elsa began to wear gloves again, as she did with Dr. Weselton. His words played over and over in her head like a broken record. Old words and recent words alike (monster, monster). Elsa knew she wouldn't be alright until she saw him.
"It's good to see you again, Elsa of Arendelle," he greeted her. Elsa responded with only a tight smile.
He would tell her Grandfather was right, and she was a danger to her sister. Elsa dreaded hearing it from him but she knew it was true, and she had to face her sentence without cowardice.
After she finished telling him everything— the truth about her feelings, her problems at work, the death of her parents, Grandfather's calls, the crippling stress… everything but the ice— Dr. Weselton nodded slowly, stroking his chin and staring into her broken heart with his ermine eyes.
"Sounds like you've been dealing with this for quite some time," he pointed out. "Why didn't you come earlier?"
Elsa averted her eyes.
"I suppose I was scared," she softly said. "I-I was ashamed"
"Ashamed?" Dr. Weselton quirked an eyebrow. "No wonder you were ashamed. You claim to be in love with your own sister"
Elsa winced and slowly shut her eyes. She didn't have the privilege of avoiding this discussion.
"I knew there was something truly perverse going on," Dr. Weselton continued. "Ever since you first asked me if you were going to 'crush' on her. I should have acted sooner"
Elsa fiddled with the fabric of her gloves. The embarrassment was physically painful, and every word coming out of Dr. Weselton's mouth felt like a stab to the heart.
"Do you…" her throat constricted for a moment, and her eyes watered. She took a deep breath. "Do you worry for her safety?"
"Your sister's?" Dr. Weselton asked. "Of course I do! She's trapped with… with…!" He aggressively gesticulated with his hands. "With an older sister who wants to fondle her in her sleep! For all of your life you've wanted complete control over a young girl, and now you have it. All it took was for your parents to pass away. Are you happy now, Elsa of Arendelle?"
She felt her stomach sink like a stone and her heart crack.
A monster. She was a monster who wanted to hurt her baby sister.
Was she happy? Was she happy with her parents' death?
"I… No," Elsa gasped.
"Have you done it already?"
"I didn't do anything"
"How many times have you touched her?"
"I didn't touch her! I never did…"
"Liar!" He abruptly stood up and slammed his hands onto the desk, kicking the chair back. "I recognize a liar when I see one. Your eyes denote guilt. You're hiding something from me, Elsa of Arendelle!"
"I am not!" Elsa insisted. "I have never touched her. And I never will"
"If what you say is true, then prove it!" Dr. Weselton demanded. "Your Grandfather is correct. You are not suited to look after her. If you care about your sister at all, you will send her far away from you as soon as possible! Otherwise I shall contact the Community Council about your situation"
Her throat went dry. Her heart pounded in her chest. The ice inside her gloves painfully dug into her skin.
No, no, please…
Dr. Weselton glanced at the clock. He strode toward the door and held it open for Elsa.
"Do not bother coming back until the issue has been dealt with," he said.
Her whole body shivered as she abandoned the clinic. The snowmobile waited for her in the parking lot, but she took a moment to let her heart and her ice calm down, lest she froze it again. She could barely move her hands inside her gloves.
She just had to… stop feeling. Don't feel it. Don't feel the pain.
She nudged the anxiety away as she got onto her vehicle, focused her eyes on the street, and drove to the school. She'd have to pick Anna up and bring her home and… just…
Great.
She tried to push it away, but the question kept assaulting her mind.
Oh, Anna. What would she say to Anna?
"I'll think I'll walk home with Kristoff!" Anna shouted to her sister as soon as she saw her on the snowmobile. "Don't worry about me. I'll see you at home!"
Elsa opened her mouth as if to say something, but surprisingly enough, she didn't. She simply nodded and drove off, not even saying a word to Anna.
Huh. Strange.
But Elsa was always strange, so this must be Elsa's normal.
Next to her, Kristoff cleared his throat.
"So, was that an excuse to go find Hans, or are you really walking home with me?" He asked. Anna slapped his shoulder and interlocked her arm with his.
"You're coming with me!" She happily announced. "I still owe you dinner"
"Seriously?" Kristoff laughed. "I think it's already expired. You're too late"
"Nope! Dinner promises never expire. And I never break a promise. I'm inviting you, so you have to do as I say"
They found a place in the center of town to have some sandwiches before heading home. It wasn't nearly as posh or 'decadent', as Kristoff described it, to qualify as a restaurant, but the food was good and that was all Anna cared about.
"Just admit you wouldn't bring Hans to this place" Kristoff teased her. Anna placed a hand on her chest, feigning offense.
"Kristoff Bjorgman, are you jealous of my boyfriend?" She jested. "Oh, my goodness, I can't believe this!"
They ate and laughed for about two hours. At that point, Kristoff must be the person Anna felt the most comfortable with, because between Elsa and Hans she'd always felt like… like she was in permanent debt with them. Like there was something she needed to make up for. They both gave and gave and gave and Anna liked it, yeah, but it felt unfair. With Kristoff, they were on even ground, maybe because all of their debts were paid with simple food. It was all fun and games between the two of them.
And yet… he didn't know everything. No, the only one who knew her secret was Elsa, and talking to Elsa was impossible. She'd said she didn't hate her, sure, and Anna believed her, but that didn't mean the situation didn't disturb her. "How did you stop being in love with me, your sister"? Just thinking about all those words put together made Anna mad at herself. Oh, that was… such an inappropriate question. How do you even ask something that? How do you ask that to Elsa?
Kristoff must have noticed her mood shift, because he put his sandwich down, and he never did that.
"Something is bothering you," He guessed. "Did you fight with Hans again?"
Anna blinked, suddenly pulled back into reality, and shook her head.
"He didn't do anything," she said, keeping her eyes glued to her half-eaten sandwich.
"Did you fight with Elsa?"
Anna breathed in deeply. She looked at Kristoff.
She couldn't ask Elsa, but that didn't mean she couldn't try somewhere else.
"I need to tell you something," Anna began. Her heart was already racing. "And you're the only one I can trust"
Kristoff studied her as she mentally considered how much she wanted to reveal to him.
"I won't tell anyone," he promised. Anna was delighted to notice he was speaking their tongue, granting them a bit of privacy. Of course, unless Elsa suddenly walked in.
"I'm… " Anna cringed slightly. "I might or might not be in love with someone else"
Kristoff stared at her for a moment.
"You mean someone other than Hans, don't you?" he deadpanned. Anna gave a tiny nod. Kristoff punched the air in celebration, but upon noticing Anna's glare he dropped his arms to his side. "Uh, that's… not a good thing," he said. "It… uh, it isn't me, right?"
"Oh, Kristoff" Anna huffed. "Of course it's not you!"
"Oh, thank God," he mumbled. "I'm sorry, but I'm still trying to see the problem"
Anna groaned and nearly threw her sandwich at him. Oh, goodness, how to explain it without giving herself away? Mama and Papa always said no one could know. Even therapy was too risky, or so she'd heard. A secret too dirty to be let out into the light.
"The problem is," she began to explain. "That I'm not supposed to be in love with this... other person. I'm already dating Hans"
"So, you're not leaving him?" Kristoff discreetly suggested.
"Kristoff! I can't just… leave him!"
"Why not? I told you, I don't trust that guy. I say go for it"
"Yeah, but you don't trust anyone," Anna retorted. "Stop questioning me. I'm not leaving Hans. That's not the problem. The problem is that I'm in love with someone else… too" she held her hands together and cast her eyes down. "Oh, goodness, he's gonna kill me. How do I stop it?"
"Hey, no one is killing anyone" Kristoff reassured her. "He would have to get past your sister first"
The picture of Elsa standing between her and danger, like a knight or a prince, using her powers to protect them (to protect Anna) nearly took her breath away. She still remembered Elsa looking after her when she couldn't even keep her eyes open, so many years before, and defending her from their parents when they put her in an uncomfortable situation. She had always been her knight in shining armor, quietly waiting, ready to whisk her away from all danger in an invisible flurry of winter wind.
"I mean, not that I wouldn't stand by you too! Whatever it is, you can count on me. But I think we both agree that Elsa is the scariest of the two"
Anna crinkled her nose. Right. Kristoff.
"Elsa isn't scary," she said.
"Right. But…"
"I don't want to cheat on Hans"
Anna brought her knees to her chest and hugged them, planting her heels on the edge of her seat.
"I mean…" she continued. "I'm not supposed to be feeling this way. This is wrong. I should… I don't even want to be with this person. I know it can't be. It would hurt us both and…" Her throat constricted for just a second. She took a moment to regain her composure. "Why am I still feeling this way?"
Kristoff stared at her for a long time.
"Can I know who it is?" He asked. Anna gulped and shook her head. Kristoff sighed. "Listen, if you don't want to cheat, why are you beating yourself up over it?"
Anna shook her head.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean…" he exhaled. "He doesn't even need to know you like someone else. As long as you don't do anything, I don't see the harm"
"You can't go through life thinking these things about your own sister"
"I mean, not that I don't think any other guy on this island wouldn't be better than Hans, but…"
"I can't," Anna murmured. Kristoff went silent.
Elsa could stop. Why was it so difficult for Anna if Elsa could just stop? What was wrong with her head?
"You don't want to feel this way?" Kristoff asked.
Anna shook her head.
"Goodness, this is awkward" she forcefully giggled. "I… um… I think it's time I get going"
"You haven't even finished your sandwich," Kristoff pointed out. "Besides, I thought we'd be walking togehter?"
"I'll… finish it on the way"
She got to her feet and, barely hiding her embarrassed blush, she stuffed her sandwich into her backpack and trotted out into the streets. It hadn't snowed in a while, and all of the snow left was brown, wet and muddy. It splashed beneath her boots.
She saw Kristoff giving her a strange look through the window, and she blushed even worse. She sometimes forgot Kristoff was smarter than he looked.
"Elsa? I'm home!"
Anna's sweet voice pierced Elsa's ears and made her wince, forcing her to face her decision once again.
She was… truly doing this, it seemed. Their parents had trusted her to be strong, but she clearly wasn't worthy of their faith. She'd reached her breaking point, and… she'd known it would happen, sooner or later. She was… hell, they were both teenagers. She couldn't do this.
It would break Anna's heart, one last time. Elsa feared it wouldn't be as easy as it was once.
Elsa waited for Anna to enter the kitchen to face her.
"Elsa?"
Elsa took a deep breath. Anna (dear, beautiful Anna) stood on the doorway, shifting her weight from one leg to the other as she gave her an unsure look. Elsa forced a smile.
"Hello, Anna," she said. "How was school?"
"Uh, it was good," Anna shrugged. "How was work?"
"It was good"
"Good"
They stood in awkward silence. Elsa felt her heart begin to quicken as she realized she needed to tell her now, before she chickened out.
"I… think I'm going to…"
"I need to tell you something"
Anna shut her mouth.
"Uh, sure!" She said, resting her weight against the doorframe and visibly trying to appear less uncomfortable. "What is it?"
Elsa sucked in a deep trembling breath.
"I spoke to Grandfather today," she took note of Anna's frown and continued before she could get a word in. "He's… demanded we go live with him in Oslo"
"We can't do that," Anna declared, shaking her head. "You're surely not thinking…"
"I'm not," Elsa reassured her. Anna's shoulders relaxed. "I would never let him have either of us"
"That's… good," Anna said. "That's very good. You know, I knew you wouldn't let him get away with his… plan"
Elsa's heart cracked a little. Anna trusted her so much, and yet… she still did this to her.
"That's why we'll go to Finnmark in summer," Elsa stated, holding her hands together. "And you'll stay with Yelena in there"
She held back a wince as she studied Anna's expression. It slowly shifted from confusion to pain and horror. Elsa immediately wanted to take it back, but she knew she couldn't. It had to be done.
"W-wait, what?" Anna stammered. "What do you mean? Are we not staying together?"
The pain— the betrayal— in her voice was a dagger to her chest.
"Anna…"
"I… no!" Anna cried. "I don't get it! You promised me you'll never leave me again! You promised you wouldn't let him take me!"
"That's why I'm doing this"
"What? Sending me away!?"
"Yes, Anna, I am sending you away to protect you!"
"Protect me? What, is he going to show up to our door one of these days? I doubt his kneecaps can stand the cold." She took a desperate step forward. "We're safe here, Elsa. He can't hurt us. There's nothing to be afraid of"
"It's not that simple," Elsa insisted.
"Then make it simple!"
Elsa resisted the urge to roll her eyes.
"Anna, what happens if he wants to start a legal battle for your custody?" She asked. "I… I wouldn't know how to defend you! How could I argue you'll be better living with me? Yelena could make a case for it if you stayed with her, but I…"
"I'll just tell them I want to be with you" Anna stated. "Elsa… I love Yelena, but she's not you, okay? Mama and Papa are gone and... y-you're all I have, Elsa" she said, trying to steady her voice. "Please. I-I can't lose Mama and Papa a-and... you!"
Elsa swallowed. This was affecting her worse than she'd expected.
"If there was any other way…"
"Come with me!" Anna pleaded. "We can both stay with Yelena!"
"She barely has space for one more person"
"We could find you somewhere else to stay! A… an apartment, or something!"
"Anna…"
"We could support her with money together! We'll get jobs and…"
"Anna, please," Elsa begged. "Stop. I've…" she squeezed her eyes shut. "I've made my decision"
Her arms instinctively wrapped around her own body. She turned her back to Anna and took a step away from her.
"Why?" Anna demanded. "Why do you want me away? Why are you… breaking your promise?"
"It's for the best, Anna"
"No. I-I won't take that for an answer." She heard Anna approach her. "You… you said you loved me, right? S-so, prove it now. Don't send me away"
Oh, Elsa wanted to scream at her and tell her she loved her. That she loved her more than anything on the planet and that her love was the exact reason why she was sending her away. She loved her too much to have her close, and she loved her enough to push her away.
Because it was true that she didn't know what she'd been thinking about when she even allowed this to happen. When she let their parents leave her in charge. It was true that Anna would be safer with a real adult who knew how to keep the danger at bay and who could truly defend her custody.
And it was also true that, perhaps, Grandfather had a point. Perhaps Dr. Weselton had always been right.
"Anna," she warned her, placing her hands on the kitchen counter. The ice didn't seep her gloves. "That's enough"
"No, it's not!" Anna complained. "Not until you tell me why. O-or until you change your mind"
"That isn't happening"
"Then I'm not leaving you alone"
"Yes, you are" Elsa stated. "This conversation is over"
She heard Anna inhale sharply.
"Is it because of—"
"No. Don't…"
"Well, you… you said you didn't hate me"
"I don't. I'm doing this for your best"
"Then why leave me all alone? Why…?" She stomped her foot against the floor. "I know it's a problem, but I'll solve it. I swear I'll solve it, Elsa"
Elsa's shoulders shook. Oh, Anna, no, no…
"Enough"
"It can't last forever, can it? And I'll never bother you! You won't even notice it's there! I'll stop hugging you if you want." Elsa tried to get a word in but Anna continued: "I mean, you got over it, so it can't be that hard, right? I promise this… isn't necessary. We can still be together in Finnmark and… and I'll just be your sister! Nothing weird will happen and…"
"Anna, that's enough!"
She heard the crack of ice, and her stomach dropped. When she glanced down at the counter she found it completely covered in frost.
Her powers had never escaped her gloves before.
She was breaking. This was too much.
(it wasn't you. it was me)
Anna exhaled shakily, staring at the frozen counter with wide eyes.
(hurt her)
(scare her away)
Elsa swallowed.
"This is unhealthy, Anna," she said.
(you are ill)
"I think it will be better if we both kept our distance for some time"
(the big bad sister jumping little red)
She didn't look, but she heard Anna's trembling breath, realization dawning on her.
(was it all her fault?)
It was followed by heavy padding on the floor as she stomped toward her room. She slammed the door shut, and Elsa flinched at the sound. She curled shamelessly over the kitchen counter, a monster with bony limbs, like a colorless spider. Sharp knees and sharp elbows sticking out. Flesh twisted into shapes flesh shouldn't take.
Her eyes stung with tears.
Why? Why couldn't Mama and Papa be alive? Why couldn't they have a grandfather that loved them? Why couldn't she be a good big sister?
She let out a pathetic little sob and hid her face behind her hands.
(i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry, anna)
For the best, for the best, it was for the best.
Why did it hurt so much? Why did it feel like her heart was being ripped out of her body? She'd learned to stop feelings like this one. Why, oh, why did they have to come back?
But… it was done, now. She'd have to contact Yelena and arrange the issue of Anna's custody and then she'd be… alone. And Anna would be safe. They would be away from each other. Just the way they were meant to be.
She wiped the tears from her eyes, but they wouldn't stop falling.
Yes, just the way they were meant to be.
Are you happy, mother? Are you happy, father?
Was she a good girl now?
Stay in Finnmark. Could she stay in Finnmark? No, she could not. She needed to cut all contact with Anna. She knew she'd lose control one of those days and hurt her beyond repair. She already had, in a way, when they were children. And look where that took them. Look at what Elsa did to her family. She could only bring them pain.
Why couldn't Anna see that? She'd be so much happier without Elsa in her life. Yelena's family could love her like her own never could, so why did she want her close? What, exactly, did she see in her that made her want to stay with her?
(she loves you)
Anna didn't know what she wanted. She was a brat and a child. She didn't understand Elsa's reasons. She didn't understand what she went through.
(yes, she did)
This was all Elsa's fault. She deserved her anger. She should have been stronger and endured Anna's pain with her rather than shutting her out when she grew sick of her tantrums. Why did she shut her out?
"I'll solve it. I swear I'll solve it," Anna submissively cried. "I'll be a good girl. I'll be what you want me to be. I'll be what they've wanted from me"
She covered her mouth to hide her sob.
Anna…
Elsa was an idiot. She hurt her and hurt her and hurt her and yet… Anna loved her, unconditionally.
Is this what unconditional love felt like?
And she'd never had the decency to return the favor.
Yet Anna preferred this? She preferred her over Yelena, and Finnmark, and a family?
(you are her family)
It was not fair. It wasn't fair at all. And there was nothing Elsa could do to make it fair.
There was nothing, was there?
She covered her face. Yes. Yes, there was, and it was something she'd vowed she'd never do. Because it may calm her pain now but it would only fuck her up worse in the long run.
(but she needs it)
She slowly pulled her hands out of her gloves. Her skin was red and tender from scratching against the sharp frost inside.
(anna needs me)
No. No. She couldn't do it. But if it could make Anna understand and… feel less like an animal…
What did it matter what Anna felt? She'd never see her again after summer's end.
Oh, who was she kidding? Anna's happiness and pain were the scales of Elsa's heart. She'd brought her so much pain already and she was about to inflict even more. More. More. Didn't she owe her this? If she'd never see her again, anyway, then what could it hurt?
No. It would disturb her recovery.
Recovery? Wouldn't she spend the following years of her life recovering from the betrayal she suffered at the hands of her last family member left?
Her family's hands. Papa's hands on Anna's neck. They would never allow such a thing. Mama and Papa would do anything in their power to prevent her from doing this.
And they were dead.
The choice was hers, now.
She wiped her tears. Opened the tap. Washed her face.
Anna's happiness was important, too.
She was doing it, wasn't she? She would do it in the end?
Elsa took a moment to compose herself. She smoothed over her clothes and fixed her hair.
No. She couldn't do it.
But… Anna needed her.
With her heart in her throat, Elsa straightened her back, took a deep breath, and walked out of the kitchen. She'd left her gloves behind, and instead held her hands close to her chest. Her legs trembled as she made it down the hall and approached Anna's door.
She deserved to know why.
Her hand hovered over the wood for only a moment. Past the door, she heard Anna's quivering breath, and it nearly brought tears to her eyes all over again.
She knocked three times. The bones of her knuckles were cold as metal against the wooden surface.
"Anna?" Elsa called. She… wasn't used to this. She didn't know where to start. "I'm sorry, Anna. Would…?" She clicked her tongue in frustration. Her heart pounded furiously against her ribcage. "Would you please talk to me?"
Still silence met her. Elsa already wanted to freeze something. Kick the trash can. Scream at someone (probably at herself). Anna must be feeling threatened by the drop in temperature.
Elsa sighed. The last thing Anna needed right now was her fear and anger.
She pressed a hand against the door. Vines of frost spiraled from where her skin met the wood.
"I know you're scared," she quietly said. "And I know you're angry at me. I deserve it." I've hurt you so badly in the past. "But... I think someone once told me we would face our tribulations together, and I intend to hold her to her word. So, please? Open the door? There's… there's something I need to tell you"
The wood creaked under Anna's weight. She must be leaning against it, listening to Elsa and for once, giving her a taste of her own medicine. Was she holding the door closed with her body?
Elsa opened her mouth to try again, but a sudden, ragged sob cut her short. A quiet gasp, and then silence. She pictured Anna covering her mouth, determined not to cry and failing because her big sister pushed her too far. Oh, this was really, really bad. Elsa needed to get inside in that instant. She'd let her sister suffer alone for far too long. Under no circumstances she'd do it again.
Alone. Alone for... how long had it been? Eight years? Nine? And why? Because she was scared of Anna? Scared of herself? Scared of the effect Anna had on her? Scared of what she could do to Anna? Her perversion was no excuse. She should have shoved all of her pain aside and just… be her big sister. That was her job, and she wouldn't ask for a different one.
Yet, yet… once Anna opened that door, what would she say to her? She'd tell her that she still needed to leave, of course. She'd be safer with Yelena. And Elsa would stay in Svalbard, far away from her, as Dr. Weselton had instructed. She would need to tell her about Dr. Weselton, and about his… instructions. Surely, she would then understand the seriousness of the issue. They would keep a distance, communicate sparsely and perhaps, once they were alright, they could try to be sisters again.
And she would make it roundly clear to Anna that this was not her fault at all. Not in the slightest. Anna was innocent.
She knocked on the door again.
"Anna, listen," she began. "I know you have feelings for me." Elsa took a deep breath. Another deep breath. This wasn't a secret. Elsa knew and Anna knew and their parents knew. It must be humiliating to her. "A-And I know I haven't made it easy for you. I've always been very unfair toward you. But I want you to know you were never the source of my fear. I want to make things up for you"
She stared at the wood. She did not hear Anna anymore. She didn't know if she was moving. Her blood rushed through her ears as she realized it was time. She'd come this far and she wouldn't run away now.
"I love you," she said. "And whatever you feel, Anna, for me or for anyone, doesn't matter to me. I don't care about it. You're… the best sister and friend anyone could ask for. I'm sorry I expected you to change for so long, but I want to do things right from now on. I'll always love you. No matter what"
It wasn't over. Not yet. The wood creaked in the cold, and the doorknob timidly turned. Elsa took a timid step back and watched as Anna pulled the door open.
She stood in front of her, with eyes red and puffy. Her hair was messy and so was her stance. She looked like she would collapse at any moment. A sudden rush of adoration swelled Elsa's heart, like a flood or an avalanche.
Oh, this girl was her entire world.
"Do you mean that?" Anna asked. "Do you truly love me even th—?"
Elsa pulled her into a tight embrace. She could swear she felt Anna's desperate heart beating against her chest.
"Yes," she whispered in her ear. "I do love you"
Anna's body suddenly shook in her arms, and Elsa held onto her tighter. She wasn't over. Anna still needed to hear one more thing.
"Then why…?"
Elsa sighed. Oh, here came her heart again.
"Anna…" she stopped her, blood rushing and palms sweating. Elsa felt her throat go dry. She wanted to continue hugging her so she wouldn't have to see her expression, but Anna deserved everything, and Elsa refused to succumb to her cowardice and ran from her once more. So slowly she pulled away from their embrace and said: "Can I go inside?"
Anna moved to the side and let Elsa walk past her. Her room was bright and beautiful, with more light bulbs than you could count and a window facing the east, with curtains moved to the side so you could see the lilac sky. An orange glow peeked through the snowy mountains. There were clothes spilled all over the floor and reindeer antlers on the wall. Elsa's snowflake necklace hung from a mirror.
She took a seat on her bed and Anna did the same, putting a respectful, painful distance between them.
"Are you alright?" Anna asked in the softest voice possible, and it broke Elsa's heart. Even as she was being betrayed, she worried about her feelings.
Elsa thought for a moment about her answer.
"I'll be once you are," she said. Anna actually chuckled at that, but her hands were trembling. She dug her fingers into the comforter and squeezed it in an attempt to still them.
"Did… Did you want to tell me anything?"
"Yes! Um…" It was harder than she expected. She breathed in. "I… should have told you this a long time ago." No. No, she shouldn't. She shouldn't even be doing it now. "It's…" she dropped her hands onto her lap and exhaled.
"Hey" Anna put a hesitant hand on her shoulder. "Whatever it is, I won't judge you"
Oh, she was too good for her.
Elsa swallowed and blinked. She slowly turned to face Anna, and she was met by her beautiful eyes, so bright and so full of light. Oh, she'd do anything for her.
The time had come.
"I love you," she confessed. "As… something other than a sister"
She closed her eyes and turned away from Anna, facing forward. Frost grew where her fists gripped the sheets.
Anna was dead silent next to her.
(please. say something)
Dread suddenly caught up with her. A love confession wouldn't help Anna. She couldn't… she couldn't throw this onto her little sister's shoulders. This was a violation. Oh, heaven, what had she been thinking?
"Wait," Anna blurted out. "Do you mean… you…" she made a pause, and Elsa could practically feel her gesticulating with her hands. "...Me?"
Elsa nodded.
"Yes," she said simply.
Anna's breath quivered.
"Oh, goodness…" Anna murmured. Elsa turned her head as much as she dared and took a look at her sister. Anna's eyes were wide as she stared forward, covering her mouth with her hands and blushing furiously. "Oh, goodness…"
Elsa's chest physically hurt.
"You're… you're in love with me"
Elsa nodded once more.
"I suppose I am"
"You… wait!" Anna raised her hands. "You're not just saying this to make me feel better, are you?"
"In part, I am" Elsa admitted. "Because… I think you deserve to know the truth"
"So… all these years… You never wanted to stay away, did you? You never got over it. And you— I mean, this… it's just like…" She huffed in frustration. "Did… did Mama and Papa know?"
"They thought it was over"
"O-of course" Anna nodded. She didn't sound mad at all. "You were always much better at pretending. Behaving! I mean…" she snapped her fingers. "You're… you're in love with me!" Her lips curved into a nervous little smile. "You really are?"
"Yes," was Elsa's curt answer. "Now, do you understand why I can't stay in Finnmark with you?"
Anna's grin vanished.
"What? No!" She exclaimed. "I mean, I know why you think that's the solution, because you always thought distance was the solution" she made a pause. "That's the reason, right? Why you shut me out for so long?"
"Yes, and I'm…"
"Don't say sorry. I forgive you," Anna interrupted her. "...Goodness, you were in love with me all this time…" she covered her lips. Her cheeks were as red as a tomato. "Oh my God. And— and you… think being apart will stop… this," she gestured at both of them.
"I hope it will," Elsa said, struggling to keep her voice steady. She mentally debated over it for a moment, and then added: "Do you remember Dr. Weselton?"
"The Weasel? Yeah"
"Don't call him that, Anna"
"Wait. Did he tell you to do this?"
Elsa closed her eyes and nodded. Of course. Anna was smarter than he looked.
"Oh! The bastard!"
"Language, Anna!"
"No! I can't believe this!" She got to her feet and began pacing around. "Did he just… walk up to you and tell you to send me away? Who does he think he is?"
"He's my therapist, Anna, and he's just looking after you"
"Looking after me?" She snarled. "What? Does he think you'll assault me just because you're in love with me?"
Elsa cringed at her choice of words.
"He has a point, Anna" she tried to explain. "I'm ill. I am not fit to take care of you"
Anna rolled her eyes.
"You're not ill. And you don't have to take care of me. You don't have to do this alone," she said. "I want to lift as much weight from your shoulders as I can. A-and even if it doesn't work, at least stay with me in Finnmark. I'm sure we'll find somewhere for you in Kárášjohka"
Elsa stared at her for a moment. Her eyes welled with tears.
"We can't," she stated. "I promise you we'll stay in contact. Maybe once we sort things out..."
"Stop making new promises!" Anna protested. "Just… keep the ones you already made. You said you'll never leave me, so, stay with me. I don't care where we are as long as we're together"
Elsa fiddled with her hands. Anna's bed must be completely covered in frost by then.
"Why do you want to stay with me, Anna?" She finally asked. "I haven't been just to you"
Anna huffed.
"Well, you can't make up for it if you just send me away," she objected, but it seemed like she couldn't stay angry at her sister because she took a seat next to her. "I love you, Elsa," she insisted. "And being your sister comes before… everything else. I don't know what I'd do without you. So… please" she raised her head to meet her eyes. "Don't leave me again"
Anna forced Elsa to face the same questions all over again, debating between her happiness and her safety. She supposed that, by handing over Anna's custody to Yelena while staying around, she'd be meeting Dr. Weselton's conditions. He wouldn't even have to know. He wouldn't hurt them.
Yet in Finnmark, they were within Grandfather's grasp.
Anna would be within Grandfather's grasp.
And leaving (or not) while Anna stayed in Svalbard was out of the question. Elsa wouldn't dream of dropping another kid in the Bjorgman household, especially if she could take care of her instead. And what about Hans? What would he do to Anna if Elsa wasn't looking after her?
Now that her self-loathing gave her space to breathe, she saw that the situation was more complicated than simply sending Anna to Finnmark.
"There's more to it," Elsa mentioned. "Dr. Weselton knows about my…" she searched for the right words, but her attempt was futile. There wasn't a pretty way to word it. "My attraction to you. And he's threatened to contact the Community Council if I didn't hand over custody of you to someone more capable"
Anna scrunched up her nose and blinked.
"Wait, what?" She blurted. "Is that legal? That doesn't sound very legal"
"He's obligated by law to report instances of child abuse"
"Oh my God, this isn't—!" She opened and closed her mouth. "Is this for real?"
"I'm afraid it is"
Anna groaned and flopped onto the bed, her back hitting the frosted-over sheets. She didn't even flinch at the cold.
"Okay. We… we'll fix it together, right?" She asked, turning to her big sister. "We can't let him get away with this"
Elsa glanced down. It was, indeed, something she would have to solve, but she was reluctant to drag Anna into it. What was it called when the victim actively refused help from their rescuers? Stockholm Syndrome?
Anna took notice of her silence. She sighed and inched closer to her sister.
"Elsa…" she began. "Are you… I mean, do you want to keep me with you?"
Elsa took a deep breath.
"I want you to be safe"
"That's not what I'm asking," Anna countered. "I… I'm sorry. I know you said you loved me— in more ways than one, apparently, but… It… It feels like you just want me away. For real. And not just because you have to. You… would you even like to keep me around?"
Elsa exhaled. It was… That was a tricky question. Multiple answers jumped to the front of her head, all of them true, but she knew Anna's question worked by certain terms, and she needed a response that was true by her conditions.
"I'd love to stay with you," Elsa replied. "I'm sorry. I know it doesn't sound like I do, but I don't want to give us hope"
"Hope?" Anna asked. "Hope for what? What do you truly want, Elsa?"
What do you truly want, Elsa?
She couldn't remember ever being asked that question.
She looked at her sister, so beautiful, so brave and sweet and smart. Such a precious person, asking to simply be with her.
Her heart jumped into her throat. How did she get so lucky? She did not deserve her.
"I want…" she sighed. Oh, what did she want? She wanted Anna to be safe and happy, and the idea of not being there to see her like that broke her heart. Was that how it felt to want something? To… seek her own happiness, perhaps? She wasn't sure how to do that. If… if it meant to find her own happiness, then she wanted many things. She wanted to study architecture in a beautiful place, where she didn't have to worry about Grandfather, and she wanted to effortlessly make her parents proud of her. She wanted to have friends she could trust, and she wanted to control her powers. She wanted Anna in her arms, forever, and a part of her that was timid and fearful wanted to kiss her, too.
Her eyes quickly misted over.
"I want to be with you," she finally admitted, and she could no longer hold herself back. She threw her arms around Anna and pulled her in for another hug.
(i want you)
(in one way or another, i want you)
Anna hugged her back as tightly as she could.
"Go on," she encouraged her.
"Anna, I… I wish I could hug you like this without being…"
Her heart jumped. Elsa loved her. Elsa was in love with her. She still couldn't believe it. Her sister— Elsa, intelligent, elegant, beautiful, perfect Elsa— saw something in her, in Anna, of all people. Oh, she knew she shouldn't, but a part of her was dying to hear why.
She squeezed her waist.
"I know," she whispered into her ear. "Oh, Elsa, you have nothing to be afraid of"
She tightened her grip around her, lest she tried to pull away now.
It wasn't her, after all, was it? Oh, she could start crying all over again. Elsa had been trying to be a good sister, and when she couldn't she just… she'd removed herself from the picture, so Anna wouldn't be threatened. It was almost funny how silly she was, because Anna couldn't remember feeling safer with anyone than she did with her big sister.
"I want us to be sisters, Anna," Elsa continued. "I'm… I'm scared of what I might do to you"
"You're not dangerous, Elsa," Anna insisted, rubbing her back. "Did it hurt you to push me away?"
Elsa nodded against her shoulder.
"I never wanted to make you cry. I'm sorry, Anna"
"Did you miss me?"
She felt Elsa's shoulders shake.
"Yes," Elsa mumbled. "I did. I missed you so much"
Anna sighed happily. Her eyes fluttered closed. She'd missed her!
"Then I know I'm safe with you," she said. "Because I know you'd be anything if you thought it would protect me"
Elsa's body shook again. Anna could feel tears pricking at her eyes but not from pain.
(She loved her!)
"You don't really want to send me away, do you?" Anna asked. "And don't say it's for the best"
Elsa sighed.
"You're right," she mumbled into her shoulder. "I don't"
Anna nearly started crying all over again just from hearing her say those words.
Oh, goodness, and she wanted her close!
She was… in love with her. With her little sister. And Anna didn't feel scared at all. If anything, she felt butterflies inside of her. There, in Elsa's arms, she felt more loved than ever before.
"Do you really…" She swallowed. Her throat suddenly felt dry. "Are you really… in— in love with me?"
Elsa nodded shakily. Anna waited for her to continue, to just… please, say it again.
"I'm in love with you"
Yes! Anna grinned like an idiot.
"But this doesn't mean anything can ever happen between us, okay?" Elsa said, finally putting her foot down.
"Oh, I know," Anna agreed. Of course, that would be insane. A relationship with her own sister. No one in their right mind would want such a thing. "I… I don't need anything more, Elsa. Just…" She squeezed her tighter. "Thank you. So much"
Eventually, Elsa pulled back, and Anna still felt contently warm. She politely kept her hands to herself, placing them on her lap.
"So…" Anna began. "What do we do now?"
Elsa held her hands together over her chest.
"You know this can't continue, Anna"
Oh. Right. It… couldn't.
"You're right," Anna agreed. "I… guess we'll just have to keep trying. You know. To stop it."
Because she couldn't go through life thinking these things about her own sister.
Her shoulders felt heavy already. Yeah. Keep on… trying.
"You know what?" Anna chuckled. "Just today I was thinking about asking you how to do it, right? Making it stop, I mean. Obviously, I decided against it. I didn't think it was right to… talk about that. I know you don't like— you don't like it, but now…" She giggled like an idiot, but noticing Elsa's expression, she coughed and stopped it. "It's truly terrible. I'm sorry"
Well, now that she put into words, it was pretty terrible news!
"Oh, goodness, you never got over me" Anna mumbled. "How am I supposed to get over you if… you… I thought since you could do it, I would find a way too. But..."
Ten years. It had been ten years and it had never left her.
Elsa opened her mouth to speak, but Anna raised a hand.
"Do not say anything about leaving," she warned her. "Or… me going away or whatever"
"But… I can't just shut down my feelings. That's not something I can do"
"You'll have to try, Anna"
Yeah, Anna, just… keep trying. Always trying.
"I was going to say that…" Elsa licked her lips and held her hands together, close to her chest. "It's not you, Anna. Don't…" She shook her head. "Don't worry about it"
Anna frowned.
"What do you mean? We shouldn't feel like this, right? I…" She was running out of words. "You… you feel the same, don't you? Oh, this is impossible. What are we going to do, Elsa?"
She felt Elsa shift next to her.
"You know what we have to do," she said.
Anger sparked in Anna's stomach. No! No, she wouldn't have that. There had to be another way.
"There's nothing else we can do," Elsa continued.
Nothing... Nothing?
Elsa took a deep breath.
"Anna…"
"Then let's… not" Anna blurted out, knowing damn well her parents would hate her for even suggesting such a thing, but what other options did they have? If there was nothing to do… then they shall do nothing.
Elsa blinked.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean…" Anna tried to find the right way to phrase it. "I'm in love with you, right? And you're in love with me"
Elsa cringed slightly. Just a bit.
"Yes?"
"Yeah, well… Oh, God, I still can't believe it." Elsa opened her mouth and Anna cut her off. "...And we spent like, ten years trying to stop. And it hasn't stopped. I know you think distance will help us, but if keeping you in my life means keeping this... then I can do it"
Elsa shook her head. She looked outraged.
"Absolutely not," she declared. "Anna, I… No. How could you even suggest such a thing?"
"Just… listen" Anna pleaded. "So what if we're in love? I don't want a relationship with you, Elsa! I just... don't want us hating ourselves for something we can't control. I know it's not good or normal, but if the two options are being in love with my sister forever and never seeing her again… I'd always choose the former" she sighed and tried to soften her tone. "I'm tired of trying, Elsa. I'm trying to be something I can't be. It feels like an impossible task and if I fail, I'll be all alone and..." her throat constricted. She didn't mean to get this emotional, but at least she wasn't crying. Yet. She took a moment to compose herself. "Please. Don't hate me when I can't"
There was a long pause.
"You hate yourself?" Elsa timidly asked. The question was… a little bit more painful than Anna expected.
"I mean," Anna said. "I thought my whole family hated me"
Oh, self-pity much? She was being ridiculous. She was about to move on from the topic when Elsa said:
"Okay"
And her shoulders dropped, suddenly feeling both heavier and lighter at the same time. Her stomach twisted into a knot.
"Okay?" She asked.
Elsa nodded.
"I won't demand anything from you," she explained. " I can't tell you how to feel, Anna. I know how hard it is. It would be cruel of me to…" She sighed. "To continue treating you like I have so far. We won't do anything, of course, but I think you already understand that"
Anna nodded with determination.
"I do," she said. "The same goes for you, you know? Don't let the Weasel's words get to you"
"I don't think refusing professional help would be appropriate"
Anna sighed.
"Let's… not focus on what's appropriate. I don't think anything we do has ever been appropriate for sisters," she argued. "Let's think about being safe and… being sisters. That's all I want"
Elsa nodded thoughtfully, and Anna smiled. She knew she'd like the word 'safe'.
"We would still need to draw a line," Elsa pointed out. "I'm not sure I know how to be a normal sister"
She was right. Normal sisters could hug, have sleepovers and kiss on the cheek without a second thought, but those privileges didn't belong to them.
"Me neither," Anna agreed. "So, like, rules?"
"I believe rules would be a good idea," Elsa agreed. "Shall we write them down?"
"We can't leave evidence behind," Anna said. In reality, she just didn't feel like writing, but as she said it out loud she suddenly felt like a criminal. She was painfully aware of the seriousness of the situation, because what if they did leave evidence, and then Kai Andersen found it? 'No sex with sis' was a very suspicious thing to have on the fridge.
"You're right," Elsa admitted. She clasped her hands together. "So, obviously, we will never kiss. And we will never make love"
Anna's face suddenly felt hot. Oh, boy, making love? She'd never thought about that before. Did her face look too red?
Elsa stared at her in a strange way, one Anna thought she'd seen before but was only now aware of what it meant. Anna knew she'd given Elsa that look a million times before. She looked at her like she found her endearing.
Oh, God, Elsa actually was in love with her. Would she start getting these looks often? Thank goodness they were deciding to stop trying to fall out of love, because doing so would be very hard now that she knew the truth.
"Um... " Anna mused. Elsa tore her eyes away from her. "Yeah! No kissing. No sex. And… no sleepovers, either. I don't think I could stand sleeping next to you. Not because you're ugly or because you snore! You're beautiful." Alright, she needed to shut up in that instant.
"No sleepovers it is," Elsa awkwardly chuckled. She… chuckled. At her. Oh, God. "Of course, no sex includes all kinds of… touching"
Anna's eye twitched.
"I don't think we'll get to that point. I was thinking about more normal things. Like sitting on each other's laps. Or bed sharing. Which I think falls under the sleepover umbrella." She cleared her throat. "Is… is sex something that worries you?"
Elsa inhaled sharply.
"I just want things clear," she explained. "And… I want you to know I won't touch you"
Oh, dear Lord, she would be the death of her. How could she be so perfect?
Anna tried to offer her a smile but she worried it came off as a sad one.
"Oh, Elsa," she said. "I already know that. You know, I really mean it when I say I feel safe with you"
She saw Elsa's eyes glisten with unshed tears. Her big sister offered a shy little nod. She breathed out.
"Thank you, Anna," she softly said. Anna placed a hand on hers.
"You're a good sister, Elsa. I trust you," she said, stroking her knuckles with her thumb. As soon as she realized what she was doing, Anna pulled her hand back. "What about hand-holding? Is that allowed?"
"As much as I like it." Elsa said. "I do think we should stop it. For some time, at least"
Anna's heart pretty much jumped out of her chest in that moment (she liked holding hands with her!), but she quickly pushed it back inside her ribcage, where it belonged.
"Of course," she said. "What about hugs? We can still hug, right?"
Elsa managed a quiet chuckle.
"Of course," she reassured her, and Anna could have died on the spot. "You're my sister. I… I still want to show you I love you somehow"
Oh… God…
"Y-you know, you're going to kill me if you keep saying things like that," Anna said, looking down to hopefully hide her blush (goodness, she loved her!). Elsa visibly blanched, and her heart stopped. "Not because it bothers me! I like it. A lot. That's why I think…" She slapped her forehead. "Yeah. Add that thing to the Code of-of Arendelle. Let's not say anything like… that"
"No flirting, then"
"You were flirting with me?"
Elsa's horrified expression told her that was the wrong thing to say.
"Nope! No flirting. Yeah. What's next? Uh…" she scratched her head. "We can't tell anyone about this. But I think that's on the sex level of obvious"
"Yes, i-it is," Elsa agreed.
"And… Can we cuddle? I'd really like to cuddle, but not if it crosses the line. It's basically like hugging. On a couch"
Elsa wouldn't look at her. She shook her head pensively.
"I don't know, Anna," she confessed. She was visibly trying to find words but they escaped her. Anna could see her growing uneasiness, and she decided to bring the one point she'd been dying to mention.
"Elsa?" She said. "I don't want us to stop being sisters. Regardless of everything else, promise me we'll stay together"
Elsa sighed tiredly and avoided her eyes.
"Anna…"
"Please," Anna said. "I don't want to lose you too"
She blinked. Then blinked again. A sudden light hit her eyes and blinded her, followed by a comforting warmth. She raised a hand to block the light, and through her fingers, she caught a glimpse of fire rising from among the mountains.
"Shall I close the curtains?" Elsa asked. Anna quickly shook her head.
"Don't you dare!" She exclaimed. "Oh, I've missed this"
She closed her eyes and faced forward, toward the sun, bathing in its light. The long night was over, it seemed.
"We'll always be sisters, Anna," Elsa said.
"So, we're staying together?" Her eyes fluttered open, and she had to turn her head away from the sun. She could hear the faint sounds of cheering and clapping somewhere outside, in the distance.
She held back a chuckle when she realized Elsa was in the same position she'd been— eyes closed, facing the sun. Her hair resembled strings of gold under the dawn, and so much light was cast upon her, that Anna had the feeling she'd never seen her with such clarity before.
"There's nothing I'd want more," Elsa said. "Would it be good enough if I promised you I'd try to find a way?"
"Only if you intend to keep that promise," Anna said. Elsa lids parted and she finally laid her eyes upon her little sister. A timid smile tugged at her lips, and Anna frowned. "What?"
Elsa shook her head, still smiling.
"Nothing," she excused herself. Anna felt herself blush slightly.
"I know you're scared, so I understand why you wanted to break your promise today," Anna said. "But… please. I need you right now"
Something in Elsa's expression shifted, in the way her eyes slightly squinted and her mouth twisted into an expression of pain.
"I'm sorry," she breathed. "I don't know what I was thinking"
"It's okay," Anna reassured her. "It's all in the past now. And I know the truth. That's an improvement"
"It's not okay," Elsa countered. "I understand if you distrust my promises from now on. I've betrayed you"
"Hey, none of that," Anna playfully chided her. "We all have our moments. I still feel bad for yelling at you like, a month ago"
"I'm glad you did," Elsa commented.
"Well, I'm glad you told me everything you did, then," Anna said. "There's nothing to forgive."
Elsa did not reply, and Anna didn't see it necessary to add anything else. She knew her big sister needed some silence, so they simply watched the sunrise together instead. Anna was still trying to process what had just happened herself, too. Elsa was in love with her (she was in love with her!), which was... Oh, wow. Wow. Was it getting hot in there? It was… quite flattering, actually, that someone as smart and beautiful as her big sister saw something in dumb little Anna. This new knowledge cast Elsa in a completely new light. There were, in a way, the same. Equally human and equally messed up.
Was this not something that connected them? Was Elsa not the only other person who understood what Anna felt? And to know… to know the why to so much of her childhood pain, and to fully get a picture of what went on in Elsa's heart…
Yeah. She'd never gotten a clearer image of her than under the light of the sun.
It was nice to have someone who knew what it was like.
She hesitantly placed her head on Elsa's shoulder, because it wasn't forbidden and because she needed the closeness. Elsa didn't hug her, and in fact, her body tensed up, but she visibly relaxed after a moment. Yeah, that hadn't been Anna's smartest move, but it felt… nice. And she was still her big sister, so she had to put up with Anna's antics regardless.
Anna resolved she'd do anything no to be dragged away from her.
Just… just… that stupid therapist of her filled her head with… with things that hurt her. And Grandfather wasn't helping. Anna wouldn't be happy to leave Svalbard, but as long as she had her big sister by her side, life in Finnmark with Yelena and their cousins didn't sound bad at all. But Mama and Papa had trusted Elsa, right? And Elsa often struggled to see her own beauty and strength, but their parents…
Their parents. They would agree with the Weasel, wouldn't they? They hadn't known the whole story, and while being the only one to know Elsa's secret made Anna feel fuzzy and special (being the only one that mattered, at least), it was true that they'd encouraged the same thing Elsa and the Weasel argued in favor of— distance.
And not only were they going against their wishes, but they were… giving up? Accepting their affections? Oh, that was exactly what they'd instructed her not to do. She really hoped Kristoff was right and they weren't. Because… was there even a point anymore? Beating herself up over it only made it hurt, and called unnecessary attention to it. Who knew? Perhaps moving it out of the spotlight would help it disappear.
In any case, she was… she was very glad they'd had that conversation. She was beginning to see the real Elsa— this beautiful person that had been hidden away from her for so long. She had her back with her and that was all that mattered.
She glanced up at her sister, and found her eyes closed under the light of the sun.
Yeah, the sunrise was a beautiful spectacle.
Oof guys, I was dying to write this chapter! God it took so long but here it is! We'll be moving onto the fluffier half of the story soon. Anyway! Have this! The song from the title is "Arctic" by Sleeping at Last, and it's beautiful. It's the ultimate EA song in my opinion you guys should listen to it. Ok now with the reviews:
Response to RockLovert: He aquí el capítulo 10! Espero que con este fic Don Runeard le saque el trofeo de mayor hdp a Don Weselton porque será mucho más importante en los capítulos venideros JAJjs Y seeeee Hans se metió con una nena el muy hdp pero bueno ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ todos tenemos que morirnos de algo y algunos nos morimos de pelotudos. Ah se re sacaba la otra qué le pasaba js pero bueno, como siempre muchas gracias por tus comentarios! Y a Runeard lo describiría como... un toro o un tiburón no se dea. Los ositos polares ya le pertenecen a las hermanas. Y si te doy un spoilercito... tengo planeado un toquecito de violencia, así, chiquito. Alguien tarde o temprano se podría resbalar en el hielo¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ya veremos quien.
Response to Anonymous: Thanks! Here's the new chapter! Hope it meets the expectations! 3
Response to Guest: Nunca oí hablar del geshin impact. Vas demasiado rápido. Me crecen canas y me salen arrugas. Y nooooooo vos poné todas las reviews que quieras que yo hablo inglés y español y nos entendemos pipí cucú acá. Por eso vos no te preocupés 3 Muchas gracias por tu apoyo. La verdad es que tu comentario me dio una sonrisa. Nos vemos!
Response to aa1aaa: Omg thank you! That's very flattering.
Edit: Alright, so originally this was posted on november 2nd, but it seems like this site has been having some problems lately that had made it difficult for some people to update their new chapters. If you've received five notifications about this chapter but were unable to read it, that's because I tried on multiple stances to upload it again, as adviced by support. I don't know when this update will be visible for everyone, but I hope the problem is fixed soon.
EDIT 2: corrected a translation mistake. Replaced "Buorre beaivi" (an afternoon greeting) for "Buorre iđit" (a morning greeting). If there's any sámi reader out there reading me, I apologize for the cringe.