Chapter 18: A Hand to Hold

Now that the Founders' League was up and running, Harry had nothing to take his mind off the interview he would be giving to Magical Monthly that coming weekend. He knew it was the right thing to do, but the thought still terrified him.

The last time he'd told someone what had happened in the graveyard was in Dumbledore's office. He'd been in shock, not understanding what had really occurred. Since then, he hadn't been able to get the words out. Just the thought of trying to explain the terror of that night…

It was very nearly too much.

In the days leading up to the interview, Harry found himself avoiding sleep as much as possible, dreading nights filled with horrible dreams. He was back to jumping at shadows, looking over his shoulder, feeling irrationally afraid.

It was frustrating.

He was backsliding. He was once again in that dark place where it felt like the lights would never come back on.

There was only one person who he knew would understand how he felt: Sirius.

That was how he found himself sitting on his bed, the two-way mirror clutched in his hand, trying to pull himself together. He knew that Sirius would want him to share how he was feeling. Harry was just so bad at going to adults for help. Even with Sirius, who he trusted more than anyone, there was a nagging fear in the back of his mind. A fear that he would be ignored, or worse.

Brushing aside his nerves, Harry whispered his godfather's name into the night.

"Sirius Black."

It took Sirius only a few seconds to pick up, smiling widely.

"Harry! I'm so glad you called!"

"Hi Sirius," Harry said, trying and failing to keep his voice steady.

Sirius' smile faltered, a look of concern passing over his face.

"You okay?"

Harry struggled to find the right reply.

"I don't know."

Sirius looked clearly worried now.

"What's going on?"

"I...well, I'm giving an interview to Magical Monthly on Saturday and…"

"Wait a second. Since when are you giving an interview? How did you even get an interview with them?"

"Viktor Krum and Hermione set it up. I'm sorry, I guess I forgot to tell you."

He hadn't meant to keep the interview from Sirius, it had just slipped his mind in all the excitement surrounding the Founders' League.

"It's fine. I'm sorry I interrupted. I was just surprised. Please, go on. What's bothering you about the interview?"

"It's about the Third Task. And I know it's important to get the story out, but I...I don't know if I can do it."

He took a deep breath, gathering his courage.

"I'm not sure I can t-talk about it."

Harry kept his head down, not wanting to see his godfather's reaction to his cowardice.

"Harry, please look at me."

He looked up, staring right into Sirius' gray eyes. There was no judgment there.

"You are not weak."

Harry shook his head. Sirius was wrong.

"No, listen to me. Harry, you are NOT weak. Being afraid doesn't make you weak. It makes you human. You're allowed to be affected by this."

Harry wanted to believe him.

It was just so hard to feel this way when he was meant to be a fighter, a leader, a hero. He was supposed to be strong for other people. He just couldn't shake the feeling that he was letting them all down.

"I just, I-I don't know what to do, Sirius."

Harry hated how childlike he sounded, needy and terrified.

"And that's okay. You don't have to know."

Sirius paused for a moment, seemingly deep in thought.

"You know, I still have trouble talking about Azkaban."

"Really?" Harry asked, startled. Sirius always seemed so strong.

"Yes, really. I still dream about that place. Not as much as I used to, but enough."

"How do you…?"

"Deal with it?"

Harry nodded, needing to understand how Sirius coped.

"Remus helps me. A lot. I was in a really bad place after Peter got away. I wasn't in my right mind. I kept forgetting where I was. Remus found me and stayed with me. He reminded me what it felt like to be normal."

Harry listened, awed by the love in Sirius' voice as he spoke of Remus.

"He never pushed me to talk. He never got angry at me even when I yelled at him or tried to push him away. He was just there for me. That was enough."

Sirius' eyes looked suspiciously misty as he spoke, lost in memories.

"So, it gets easier?"

Harry whispered, failing to keep the desperation out of his voice.

"I think it does, Harry. That's not to say that there won't be bad days. There will be."

Sirius stared right into Harry's eyes, determination etched in every line of his face.

"When those bad days happen, tell someone what's going on. Tell me what's going on. Please, Harry, don't let yourself suffer in silence. Ask for help."

"I'm not too good at that," Harry said sheepishly, knowing it was true.

"I know, buddy, " Sirius said with a small chuckle.

"Just do your best."

Sirius fell silent, clearly pondering something.

"As for your interview, would it help if Remus came with you?"

Harry was taken aback.

"I couldn't ask him to do that for me."

Sirius frowned.

"That wasn't the question. Would it help you if he was there?"

"Yeah. I-I think it would."

It was the truth.

"Then, he'll be there."

Harry shook his head.

"Sirius, he really doesn't have to. I'm not worth the trouble."

Sirius' frown deepened.

"That's not true at all, Harry. You are worth everything."

Harry knew it wasn't true, but he appreciated the words all the same.

"What time's the interview?" Sirius asked, scrambling to find a quill.

"Um, it's at noon. At the Three Broomsticks."

Sirius nodded, jotting something down on a spare bit of parchment.

"I'll tell him. He'll be glad to help you, Harry. He cares about you."

Sirius sighed, running a hand through his dark hair.

"I'd be there for you if I could, Harry. You know that, right?"

"I know."

He did know. He knew Sirius would do anything for him even if he didn't really understand why.

"Now, go get some sleep. You look terrible."

"Gee thanks, Sirius," Harry mumbled, slightly annoyed.

"Just calling it like I see it," Sirius retorted, grinning.

"I love you, kid"

Sirius had said it before, but Harry never got tired of hearing it.

"I love you too," Harry whispered back before ending the call.

Maybe everything would be okay.

Unfortunately, any comfort Harry had gained from his talk with Sirius had evaporated completely by the morning of the interview.

Despite his friends' pestering, he didn't manage to eat a single bite at breakfast. He ended up leaving the Great Hall after only 10 minutes just to get away from their concerned glances. He loved his friends, but he just couldn't deal with them right now.

He still had around two hours before he needed to be at the Three Broomsticks, so he headed up to the Owlery. It had been too long since he'd visited Hedwig.

He settled himself against one of the stone walls, stroking Hedwig, whispering words of endearment into her feathers. He was so engrossed in his owl, that he didn't notice George's arrival until he spoke.

"I brought you toast."

Harry jumped, startling Hedwig who screeched and took off out the window. His heart was hammering in his chest as he jumped to his feet and pulled his wand on the intruder, completely unaware of his surroundings.

"Whoa, Harry. Stop. It's just me."

A hand grabbed his wand arm, pushing it down against his side. He struggled for a moment, convinced he was back in the graveyard being tied to a headstone by Wormtail.

"Harry, it's George. I'm not going to hurt you. Please calm down."

It took a moment, but Harry slowly started to regain awareness. He was in the owlery. He was at Hogwarts. He was fine.

"George?" he asked, letting his wand drop to the ground with a clatter.

"Yeah. It's just me."

Harry sank to the ground, head in his hands.

"Sorry. I'm so sorry, George. I didn't mean to…"

"Don't worry," George said, sliding down to sit beside him.

"It's fine. I shouldn't have snuck up on you like that."

Harry shook his head, keeping it buried in his hands.

"I could have hurt you."

"Well, you didn't. I'm fine, see?"

George reached out and gently removed Harry's hands from his face.

"I'm just as handsome as ever," George joked, still holding Harry's hands in his.

"Sorry," Harry said again, still struggling to catch his breath.

"I'm so…"

"Stop apologizing," George whispered, still not letting go.

They sat like that for several minutes. George's hands were warm and real. They helped Harry remember where he was.

After a while, George stood up, pulling Harry with him.

"We're going to Hogsmeade early." George declared.

"You, my friend, need to get out of this castle."

Harry didn't even try to argue.

They made their way into Hogsmeade together, just the two of them. George had let go of his hand, but he stayed close, their arms brushing as they walked. George kept up an endless stream of banter, sensing that Harry wasn't in any mood to talk.

They spent the time before Harry's interview wandering around Hogsmeade, taking in the sights. It was nice. He was still shaky, but just being around George helped him feel more grounded.

They arrived at the Three Broomsticks at a quarter to noon, stopping just outside the door. Harry could see Hermione and Remus already sitting at a table, clearly waiting for him.

"Do you want me to come in with you?" George asked, noticing as Harry's panic started to return.

"No."

He didn't want George to hear this. He didn't want him to know how useless Harry had been in the graveyard.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine."

Harry looked up at George, offering him a weak smile.

"Thanks for, um, you know, staying with me."

"Anytime, Harrikins."

Harry watched him go, trying to ignore the ache in his chest, wishing he'd asked him to stay.

Taking in a deep breath, Harry entered the Three Broomsticks, steeling himself for what he was about to do.

The interview was a struggle.

The reporter, Belle Clerihew, was very competent and kind, but Harry still had to battle to get every word out. Remus kept a hand on his arm the whole time, offering much-needed comfort. Harry felt disconnected from reality, answering the reporter's questions without being fully aware of what he was saying.

Once the interview was over, Harry found that he couldn't remember much of it. Hermione assured him that he had done amazingly before she headed off with Viktor, leaving Harry to spend some one-on-one time with Remus.

They walked through the village in silence, Remus giving Harry a chance to come back to himself. They ended up in front of the Shrieking Shack, standing side by side.

"That was a very brave thing you just did, Harry."

"I don't feel very brave," Harry admitted, hating how his voice still shook.

"I know," Remus said, putting an arm around Harry's shoulders and drawing him closer.

"But that doesn't change the fact that you're doing a lot of good. Starting your defense club and giving that interview were very brave choices. I'm proud of you, Harry. Sirius is too."

Harry let Remus' words wash over him, hoping against hope that they were true. He was glad that Sirius and Remus were proud of him, but he couldn't shake the feeling that they were mistaken. He wasn't brave. Not really. He was a liar and a coward. He had so many secrets: the locket, the tiara, the detentions, the dreams, his bleeding scar.

He was a freak, and It was only a matter of time before everyone around him figured it out.

A/N: This is a short one, but I really wanted to spend some time exploring Harry's mental state and his relationships. He's not doing very well right now, but he has great friends who aren't going to let him drown in self-hatred for too long.

I hope no one's mad that I skipped the actual interview. The content of it will be explored in a few chapters when the article actually comes out.

Next Chapter is coming Sunday and will feature the return of McManus and McGonagall being awesome! Thank you to everyone who has read, liked, or commented! I really love hearing from all of you :)