Sleep. Tommy needed sleep. He had been running on the fuel of coffee only. His body was exhausted, but his mind was alert, keeping him up for hours as the memory of Kimberly kept replaying in his mind.
Welcome to the longest fucking week of my life.
How long had it been? How many hours had he worked? It was only Wednesday and the last three days had felt like three weeks! He'd tried medication, he'd tried tiring himself by beating the shit out of a punching bag, but nothing worked. His mind was awake. Wide awake.
Today he had gotten home a little after eight. His days had been longer because he was taking a bigger role with Mercer Industries, but he couldn't anymore. He had to say something. Living like that wasn't healthy. He had a daughter to come home to and it wasn't fair that she would get a dad that was too exhausted to play with her. He worked hard for her, but at what cost? His mother was leaving in a few days and he wasn't quite sure if Kimberly would stay again. He had to say something to reduce his hours. Someone had to understand that he had other things to do besides push paperwork. Of course, the entire estate was struggling with the death of their CEO, but that just put things more into perspective. The next day wasn't promised, so he had to make each day with Kylie count.
After spending some time with Kylie, helping her with her bath, reading a few bedtime stories, and several forehead kisses later, Tommy made his way to his basement where he tried to exhaust himself further. It didn't work. It didn't help. The silence only left him with his thoughts. So hours later, he went to his bedroom. Maybe tonight would be the night that he actually got some rest, but that wasn't very likely.
He went straight into his bathroom to shower. Normally he preferred his showers ice cold, but today he needed the heat on his muscles. He was sore everywhere. Each droplet hitting his back soothed him, mending the tightness under his skin. How many nights this week had he envisioned Kimberly right under the waterfall of his shower-head with him? How many nights did he picture her with her back up against the cold tile while he drove himself inside her? How many nights had he tried to brush away the taste of her skin from his tongue? His body may be tired as hell, but there was a part of him that was waking up.
Fuck. Maybe he would need that cold shower after all.
Shaking his head into place, Tommy jumped out of the shower. He couldn't have that thought of Kimberly. That wouldn't be right.
So after defying his wants, he got himself dried up, dressed, and stood in front of the mirror, taking himself in. He groaned at his appearance. His pupils were dilated, there were bags under his eyes, and the hard-on wasn't going away. The switch to a cold shower did nothing.
Continuing to resist his urges, he grabbed his toothbrush, put some toothpaste on it, and brushed his teeth aggressively. He was pissed at himself for many things and he was taking it out on his teeth.
He couldn't look at himself anymore. The more he stared at himself the dumber he thought he looked. Why couldn't he just stop thinking about her? Why couldn't he just move past this like he had years ago? What was so different now?
A moment later, he was lying on his bed, his head on his pillow, his eyes forcing themselves to stare at the ceiling.
Even with open eyelids, he could see Kimberly in bed with him. She was always the star of his fantasy. He could feel her lips on his collar bone. Smell the sweetness of her skin. That wasn't normal, was it? He was hallucinating. Clearly, he was fucking tired. Still, there was only so much he could do before he gave in to his urges. He wasn't strong enough to suppress it any longer. Mindlessly, he reached for the bulge in his shorts, taking himself in his hand.
He'd pay for his sin later, but right now, he didn't give a damn about how wrong this was.
He worked his fist up and down for a few shaky breaths, imagining it was Kimberly's hand. Her grasp was soft, yet firm, and she knew exactly how he liked it. For the first time in days, he allowed his eyes to slip close, picturing her right above him. He shouldn't be doing this— he knew that. The universe knew that. Which is why it threw him a bucket of ice water in the form of a blaring phone call, breaking him from his twisted fantasy.
His heart nearly jumped out of his chest.
Jesus!
It was reality coming to smack him in the back of the head.
He didn't even bother looking to see who was calling him in the middle of the night. He needed to answer it before the house woke up from the constant ringing.
"Hello?" He answered, breathlessly.
"Wow, I'm surprised you answered," came from a slurred female voice on the other end.
As quickly as the hardness came, it disappeared. No fucking way it was her.
"N-Natalie?" He said. His brow lifted as he noted the time on his alarm clock. "Wha… Why are you calling me?"
"Why?" She slurred, "Maybe because I'm the mother of our daughter, you fucking asshole!"
"No, I mean, why are you calling me at one in the morning?" He hadn't heard from her in a year, maybe two if he was remembering correctly. It was for Kylie's third birthday. He was met with silence from her end. "Nat? Are you still there?"
Then he heard her sniffles.
"Who is she, huh?"
He shook his head, "Who's who?"
"The girl you've had living with you for the past few months!"
How did she know about that? "What are you talking about?"
"Don't act stupid!" She sobbed, "Mrs. Johansen called me and told me all about the whore you have living in my house! Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I don't know exactly what goes on? I have eyes everywhere!"
His nostrils flared. Now he'd have to find someone else to watch Kylie. What the fuck? Way to invade his privacy by gossiping to his ex.
"You have no idea what you're talking about—"
"Bullshit!" She screamed and he had to pull the phone away from his ear. "You have some random girl around my daughter and you don't even tell me? Do you know how stupid I look?"
Stupid? She was never around. She didn't care to form a relationship with their daughter, and now she cared about who was in Kylie's life?
"You're not part of her life! You don't call, you don't see her! She doesn't even know you!"
"—and that's your fault!" She bitched back at him.
"Why? I've never kept her from you!" He could feel the rage inside him building, but he kept his voice low. "You choose to not be a part of her life, so don't even think you can dictate what goes on in mine!"
"Who is she?" She demanded. "Your girlfriend?"
Her voice was as ungraceful as anyone after their twenty-first birthday.
"Are you drunk?" He returned and he heard the anger in her breathing.
She refused to answer the question. "TELL ME!"
"It's Kimberly," He said softly, and it was clearly the wrong fucking thing to say because she exploded.
"Oh my God!" She shrieked into the phone. "I knew it! I knew you always had a thing for her! I can't believe you."
What the fuck had Mrs. Johansen told her had happened?
"I don't know what you heard, but you heard wrong! Kimberly was here helping me after I was in an accident. That's it!"
"I don't believe you," She sobbed some more. "How many times did we have a fight over her? It was always the same shit! You wouldn't end your friendship with her even after I told you I was uncomfortable with it. I was your wife and you didn't care! She was always more important than me!"
He gulped. She was right. He wouldn't end his friendship with Kimberly. He didn't even try. While he cared for Natalie, he didn't love her enough to get rid of one of the most important people in his life and that was Kimberly. He had checked out of the marriage the moment he said I do. It was the truth… even now.
"That's not fair."
"HA, not fair?" She cackled, sarcastically. "Imagine being married to someone and have them love someone else! That's what's not fucking fair!"
"What was I suppose to tell you?" He fought to keep his voice in check. "You know you forced my hand in marrying you."
"The fucking truth!" She spat back. "Tell me I was nothing but your fucking surrogate! Tell me you never loved me! Tell me!"
"You have to stop!" He hissed through gritted teeth.
"Why? So you can bring her back into our bed and go for round two?"
"What I do in my private life is just that, private! I don't owe you anything. We have nothing to discuss besides Kylie. Why don't you ask me about her, huh? Ask me how she's doing in school, how her birthday was, what she likes to do, ask for a fucking picture of her!"
"Why? It's not like she misses me."
"She doesn't know any different," He told her. "You've never been a part of her life."
He heard her cries return, followed by a blow of her nose.
"Does she know about me?"
That wasn't an easy answer. She'd asked questions, but what could he say? No matter how he felt about her, he always painted Natalie in a good light. It wouldn't be fair to Kylie. Once she got older she would understand, but she was too young right now.
"She knows she has a mom."
"That's it?" She scoffed. "Wonderful job you've been doing, daddy!"
He brought two fingers between his brows, pressing hard at the pressure point. A migraine was coming.
"What else am I supposed to tell her? That her mother would rather chase around guys than spend time with her? When was the last time you saw her? Four years ago?"
"Fuck. You. Tommy!" She made sure to emphasize her insult. "You don't know me. You don't know my situation."
"—and you don't know me!" He challenged.
"So, what? You're just gonna keep bringing Kimberly around and play house? Have her prancing around the house that I fucking chose?"
"Kimberly's here!" He didn't care if he was being loud anymore. "She spends time with Kylie and Kylie adores her! I won't keep them away from each other, just like I won't keep Kylie from you!"
"Well, it sounds like you three are perfectly happy without me! You don't need me. Maybe Kylie will just never know me. You can tell her Kimberly is her mom and live happily ever after!"
That's not what he wanted. Kylie deserved a relationship with her mother. Natalie deserved a relationship with her daughter.
He groaned, "Nat, don't be like this—"
"Save your fucking breath!"
He flinched when the call ended. What the fuck was that? He was left speechless, frustrated, alone… how did his bad week just get worse? It had to get better. It just had to. He couldn't keep living like this— hell, he wasn't sure he could survive without sleep that much longer.
A silence filled the room and his thoughts once again turned to Kimberly. She always made him feel better. She always knew the right things to say to make him smile. He doubted she wanted anything to do with him at the moment, especially since he hadn't spoken to her since she left, but he needed to hear her voice. He had to make sure that they were okay even after everything that happened, and he definitely had to stop fantasizing about her.
Tomorrow. He would call her tomorrow.
Another long day had come and gone. It had happened again. His work had kept him in late and he missed dinner with his mother and daughter. He'd gotten home just before Kylie went to bed. Was this what it would always be like? Would he be killing himself at work and missing out on his daughter growing up? He couldn't do it. He wouldn't, but he couldn't quit either. He owed so much to Anton Mercer, and now that he was gone, he felt there was a duty to continue his legacy. It also didn't help Anton's son had personally asked him to stay with the team.
Nothing made sense anymore. His mind was a jumbled mess filled with complete chaos of thoughts that had no right residing inside of it. The only thing that was giving him some hope was the possibility of seeing Kimberly again this weekend. He doubted he would be off early enough to find her at his house the next day, but that was something he was trying to figure out.
After a late and lonely dinner, Tommy slumped over to his couch and threw his head back.
Carol had been sitting down in a recliner and she peered over her book.
"Get some rest, honey," his mother said, softly.
She'd been taking the image of her deteriorating son in for the last several days and he was seriously starting to worry her. Whether he admitted it or not, something was bringing him down.
He gave her a warm smile in return, "I wish it were that easy."
"Is something bothering you?"
A lot. It could mostly be summed up with one word—Kimberly— but he wasn't going to say that. He really didn't want to have that conversation with another person, especially if that person was his mother. The more he thought about it, the more another person crept up in his mind—Natalie. In fact, there was a better word that could sum everything up—women! Kimberly, Natalie, Kylie, Mrs. Johansen! His life was surrounded by women (or girl in Kylie's case) that wanted more from him than he was able to give. He failed at giving Kimberly a chance, failed at his marriage with Nattalie, failed at being there for Kylie, and failed to set boundaries with Mrs. Johansen. He'd yet to screw up being a son, but the night was still young.
"I'm fine," He did his best to put on a convincing smile but he failed.
Carol's brow quirked and she removed her reading glasses before placing a tip to the corner of her lips, "Uh-huh. Why am I not believing you?"
"It's nothing. I think I'm just tired." He hated lying, but he really didn't want to say more.
She gave him another look that said she didn't believe him, but nodded and placed her glasses back on. "Okay, go get some sleep then."
He wished he could argue, but there was no fight in him. He was absolutely exhausted. Walking towards her, he placed a gentle kiss on her cheek and proceeded to his bedroom.
Once there, he threw himself back into his bed, where his eyes focused on a spot at the ceiling. They always reverted to doing just that. It didn't matter if he hadn't slept in days, they were wide awake and staring up above. Luckily for him, the fantasy of Kimberly didn't return, but she was still on his mind.
How much did she hate him for not calling her? It wasn't that he didn't want to, but he didn't have time. This just made more sense that things with her wouldn't work out. He was never home. How could he find the time to be with her when he didn't even have the time to spend on his daughter. Like he said before, she had to come first, then everything else after. While Kimberly had been his number one priority once upon a time, she couldn't be that for him anymore, and she deserved someone where she would be.
If there was any hope of getting some sleep, he had to call her. Her voice was as soothing as a lullaby, maybe hearing her was all he would need. The guilt could be washed away. He just had to know that she didn't hate him.
Exhausted, he reached beside him, grabbed the phone from its place and punched her number in. He knew it by memory at this point.
A second later, it was ringing and the panic was starting to set in.
Holy Shit! He hadn't even thought about what he was going to say. There was a flash where he contemplating hanging up, but then he pushed that thought away.
The phone was slick in his hands as his palms began to build up moisture. It reminded him of all the times he would call her when he was a teenager and her dad would pick up the phone. Talk about awkward! There was always the chance that she wouldn't pick up and then he would get all tongue-tied. He didn't know what to say half of the time and he would sometimes pretend that he got the wrong number or put on a different voice so her dad wouldn't know it was him. He'd call and call again until she was finally the one that picked up. It wasn't until months later that Kimberly told him that they had Caller ID and her dad knew that it was always Tommy calling. He could never look her dad in the eyes after that revelation.
Tommy pressed the phone closer to his ear as it rang away. More seconds and constant ringing went by and she had yet to answer.
Maybe she wasn't home.
He stole another look at the clock beside him and noted that it was a little after nine. It was late, but still early enough that she would be awake. She was a night owl. Maybe she was out with friends or she didn't want to speak to him… or maybe she was out with another guy— nope, push that thought awaytoo.
He groaned, knowing that she was likely not going to answer. He was on the verge of hanging up when he heard her voice.
"Hey, this is Kim. You know what to do." Beeep.
There was a hopefulness when he heard the familiar voice, but it was quickly followed by disappointment when he realized it was her voicemail. He was hoping to hear her voice again. So much more than nine words. Either way, this would have to do.
"Hey, Kim. It's me," He said softly. He considered keeping his voice down so his mother wouldn't overhear, but he thought against it. Unlike the last time he had been on the phone, he didn't care if anyone else listened in on his conversation. "I was hoping I would catch you while you were home, but I guess you're out."
He didn't doubt she simply didn't want to speak to him. He wasn't sure he would answer the call if things would have been reversed. She probably still needed space.
"I'm sorry I haven't called, but I started working again and my days are long. By the time I get some free time, it's always really late and I figure you're asleep."
He'd hope she would be dreaming of him. Although that wouldn't be fair. He practically told her to forget about him or the possibility that there could be something more. In his mind, he was doing the right thing. She could be free to pursue her dreams wherever she wanted. They could be in Reefside or even Paris. That thought had him clamping down on his jaw. It was the most romantic city in the world. Of course, she would find someone there. He didn't want to think about that too much. Instead, he changed the subject.
"I think I grabbed everything you're going to need for tomorrow. I struggled deciding between baking powder and baking soda," He laughed at the memory. "I didn't want to mess up so I grabbed both. I could have really used your help there."
He had been running up to random people that looked like they knew how to bake and asking them about the difference. In the end, he settled for both before risking ruining a recipe.
"Anyway, Jason told me you're staying at his place on Friday after you're done with Kylie. My mom leaves on Saturday and I was hoping you could stay again for a couple of more weeks. It's just not the same without you here."
Stay with me. Stay in my room. In my bed. Let me show you what I wanted to do last Sunday night.
"Kylie misses you."
I miss you. He didn't dare say it. He closed his eyes forcefully, feeling his heart tremble in his chest. He couldn't say the words. He couldn't tell her how much he wanted to see her again or how badly he wanted to hear her laugh in his ear or how much he wanted to have the taste of her on his lips again. He would let a few intermitted pauses go by in hope that she would get home or would pick up the phone if she was there.
"I work late on Friday too so you probably won't be here by the time I get off, but I hope I see you on Saturday. We're doing the bake sale outside the market off Rainer St. You're welcome to come... I'll even buy you a pastry. I heard the chef's amazing."
His soft laugh returned and he waited a couple of more seconds, hoping that she would pick up the phone and tell him that she would be there. When that didn't happen, he knew he had to let the call end.
"I hope you're doing well. Bye."
When he ended the call, he stared at the phone in his hands for fifteen solid seconds. Maybe she would call him back if he stared at it long enough, but that never happened.
While he would lay awake thinking of her, he hoped that wherever she was she was getting some sleep.
Author note: Hey guys! Hope you guys enjoyed this new chapter! I have more coming up very soon. Let me know what you guys are thinking in a PM or review. Are you liking it? Thoughts? Hope you're all doing well! See you guys in my next update!