I Need You Now

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: From a song prompt (Lady A) Lyrics of the song tell a good story starting with the fight in KB's Apartment. What happens next? COMPLETELY AU, Forget the proposal, the swings, let's see what happens. WARNING ANGST on top of ANGST, NO GUARANTEED ENDING. IF YOU ONLY SHIP CASKETT, WAIT FOR THE ENDING.

I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.

Also, we take MANY liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events from other Canon episodes to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.

Chapter 18

Becketts Apartment

Thursday Evening

/_/

"Peggy would like to see you before you get started in your new job. How's 7:00 PM Saturday? Let us know, Love Dad"

"See you Saturday at 7:00 Love Kate"

Damn, she thought, so soon? She knew she would need to face her father's new wife but why so soon, why now? Hell, she had the Captains exam tomorrow, then the party at the Haunt, thank God she wouldn't have to worry about seeing Rick, it was going to be hard enough.

She quickly pushed it all out of her mind, she had the exam tomorrow at 7:00 AM, if she failed it, she would have to wait 4 months to re-take the exam, and that would put her on the deadline, or close to it from Commissioner Boyle. She tried to sleep but finally gave up, and tried her yoga exercises, hot bath, a run, and finally, it was time for her to shower to leave for the exam.

She arrived at the testing site, checked in, and began the timed 4-hour exam, with permission for two ten minutes breaks if required. She breezed through the first ten questions then began to slow down as the questions were worded tricky, as well as some of the answers weren't so obvious anymore. She was still on pace to complete the exam, but the deeper she got, the less confident she was feeling.

She took a ten-minute break mostly to collect herself, then went back and reviewed her answers before finally hitting the submit button on the computer. She was used to seeing the Congratulations Screen come up, and sure enough in about three minutes, she saw it. The screen then turned into a breakdown of each section and pointed out her weak areas. She was in shock when she saw the overall score of 78, 75 was required to pass, meaning she just made it.

She had scored a minimum of 75 on Leadership, and also on Decision Making sections, the end of the report listed additional materials suggested for her to read and follow up to improve the two worst areas of the test.

She showed her badge, test ID then was given the key to her locker, with an offhand comment from the testing supervisor, "Congratulations Captain, I guess as long as you pass no one knows just how close you came." The comment stung, not only because Beckett was accustomed to being in the top 10% of any class she took, and this one, well, she damned near failed it, meaning she would have lost her job as well.

At least she kept her position, even Boyle wouldn't see the scores, only pass successfully she could count her blessings for that. She hurried back to the apartment to recap what the hell happened, she always finished in the top percentile, she didn't understand the scoring.

She started once to appeal it, then thought, with her luck, they would find an incorrect answer marked correct and she would fail the entire exam. Give your ego a break Kate, you have a lot to change, it starts now she chided herself. She decided to call Doctor Burke to set an appointment. The therapist in DC had done her no good, well in the two times she saw her.

She called and was shocked when Doctor Burke's office referred her to his associate since he was no longer taking new patients. It took some explaining and much patience, but she finally got it straightened out that she was a returning patient, first referred to the doctor by NYPD. The first available appointment was in two weeks, so she booked it, and hoped to return to her morning time slots once she saw him again.

She knew that the party tonight was supposed to be a welcome for her, and goodbye for Kev, and Captain Gates, but in many ways, it felt like another test. She wasn't sure if Lanie would be there, she hadn't had the opportunity to speak with her since their first call. She knew she was upset, well hurt at her and it was justified.

Through the years Lanie had been the constant in her life, her rock, men came and went, Lanie was the constant calming force in her life. She thought of the others she had damaged, the look that Roz and Anne shared on her way out only proved she had more work to do than she thought.

She was coming back to the 12th, but it wasn't anything resembling the precinct she joined as a junior homicide detective 14 years ago, not in the least. She had gone from Royce's protective arm to that of Roy Montgomery.

It hadn't been lost on most of the police force of the PET status she had been accused of, hell she enjoyed if she was being honest. Roy was more than her boss; he was a friend who allowed her liberties others weren't afforded.

The people were different, Roy of course was dead, but her boys, Javi in the Air Force, and Kevin was leaving to assume a different role, in a rank that matched hers. Of course, others had left as well, some by retirement, some like Javi, decided on career changes. She was inheriting a precinct that Captain Gates had managed to hold together, through difficult times and losses. Gates may be a hard ass but no one doubted her fairness, or devotion to doing it by the regulations, a volume of it always present on her desk.

She decided to capture her thoughts in a journal, knowing full well that would be the first requirement from Dr. Burke, and as she wrote, she felt some heaviness leave her. The more honest she was in her writings, the lighter the feeling became.

She didn't want to get into her one-on-one relationships yet, she chose to acknowledge that she had work to do, doubt to overcome, and fences to repair with many people she had not treated in the manner she would want to be done so. Surprisingly she had written almost five pages, and felt it was a good place for a break.

She changed into her running gear and started out on her run, changing her route to run past Broome street and Castle's loft, she had to quit pretending and face reality. She was back in New York, and the chances they would see each other were greater than she expected.

He had shown no signs of moving, perfectly happy with his life with Melissa as it was in New York. If that's the way it was going to be, she couldn't undo her past, only move forward as an adult. There should be no reason why, in time, they couldn't become friends, she hoped. Perhaps she was setting the goal a bit high, a more realistic goal could be accepting of others in public settings with proper courtesy.

She loved him, more than she did the day she left for Georgia, then DC, but she had no proof, not as he had. Thinking back, it seemed as though Rick had proved he loved her more each day, with the culmination of his willingness to die with her, rather than lose her to a mad man's bomb. His actions painted one story, hers a very different and hurtful one.

She only needed to look back to that day in a penthouse, a kiss, and the hurt look on her lover's face, then what did she do, lie to him about a potential job. The EXACT same thing Will had done to her, and she got all holier than thou about it, but how did she respond, "Castle, this isn't about you. This is about me. This is about my life."

Well, no use crying, again, over things in the past that she couldn't change. She was praying for a miracle long-term, right now she was hoping to see him without her, or at least if they were together, they weren't so lovey-dovey. She ran by the Loft, nobody seemed to be stirring, from what she could see, but that could mean they were in the bedroom.

She quickly scolded herself and turned her thoughts to the party and her run. She pushed herself, then on the return trip, bought a coffee from the Java Hut across from the Loft, still no sign of life, at least from street level. Not that she was lingering in the area on purpose, finally when the coffee was finished, she had no choice but to complete her run home. She reached the apartment stairs, walked around the block to cool down then headed up the stairs to prepare for the evening.

XxX

Melissa's Town House

Next Morning.

Rick and Melissa returned to her Condo after she finally accepted the fact this was real, not a dream. Her boyfriend loved her enough to buy not only a house but a mansion, with things, personal things that proved his first thought was of her. Dakota, my God, how did he find out, but she was so happy to see her boy back in the stable. He had been her confidant on many rides, some when she could barely hold it together.

The bench in the garden, she could see it from any of the three sets of slider doors in the main rooms of the house, all she needed to do was sit on that bench, touch her little man's face and things were all right in the world again. God only knows where he got the pictures of her and Zane together, but Rick went to no end to prove how special she was to him. He was so very sweet, and still afraid that she would be upset by Kate's letter.

"Sweetheart, we've had a wonderful day today, why don't we order a pizza, sit by the fireplace, and then you take me to bed and make love to me all night. When we wake tomorrow you can read the letter if that's what has caused that wrinkle in your brow. I'm not worried, I'm moving soon remember that" as she kissed him, which led to eating late and initiating new areas of the condo with their lovemaking.

He picked her up gently carried her wedding style to the bedroom, placed her gently on the bed, kissed her, and then turned off the light. She finally fell asleep after she had experienced heights she had never been to. She thought she had seen his best moves, tonight was different, every touch, every move was so gentle, so sensuous. She wanted to crawl inside him, she felt so close and so connected.

The next morning, she awoke with him looking at her, his head propped on one arm, him just drinking in her vision.

"Good morning Rick, I love when you look at me like that, your eyes go to your soul, and I can almost see the love there." She kissed him so gently,

"Good morning Melissa, you're right, I do have so much love, it's hard to hold it inside, I know I do crazy things, and if that upsets you"

She kissed him, "You mean like finding my horse and buying him back for me, like buying a mansion that will allow us to merge two houses into one and still allow me to decorate as I please, and perhaps the sweetest thing you or anyone has ever done, creating my memory bench. Are those the crazy things you're talking about because they all make me love you so much more if that's even possible?" She kissed him gently again,

"I'm glad you liked your surprises, and I'm especially glad you said yes to moving in. I think it was because Dakota asked" he laughed, and pulled her into a tight hug, sometimes just holding someone is all that's required, in fact, words would spoil the moment. This was one of those times, he held her, as she caressed his back as she had done at the signing, God he loved her touch.

They held each other for almost five minutes, until Melissa pulled back, tears streaming down her face, and kissed him. "These are happy tears Rick, so let them flow. You really don't know how much you've changed my life; I only hope I can make you half as happy as you make me every single day" she kissed him again, this time he kissed her tears away.

"You know I don't think, no I know, I've never felt what I just felt with you Melissa, it was almost as we were one body" He smiled, at her, she had his hand, "I know Rick, I felt the same. We better eat, I mean I have bagels, and I smell the coffee you already brewed. You ready?" He nodded, holding hands they proceeded to the kitchen.

She knew he hated to bring the letter up, so afraid she would be hurt, so when they were finishing their second cup of coffee, she leaned in and kissed him" Rick, I know you don't want to Sweetie, but do you think you should read Kate's letter. Baby, I'll be fine, really, no one has to tell me who I will be sleeping with tonight, tomorrow and all the tomorrows to come, so what do you say? If you're ready, it's time" She said,

"I guess you're right, I've put it off long enough, but can you promise me, something?" Rick looked into her eyes, almost like a little boy,

"Sure Rick, anything,"

"Don't go far, if I need you can I call you to come to me?" Rick said, and this time Melissa picked up on the fear, and also hurt he must be reliving,

"Rick, look at me" she took his face in her small hands, "Baby you won't have to worry, I'll be right over there, and if you need me, I'll be right by your side, the moment you call, I promise, OK?" she kissed him gently, something about the letter either frightened him or filled him with such profound sadness, it was sad to see.

"OK, thanks Melissa, I don't want to hurt anyone, but it seems like a different lifetime ago when all that stuff happened. Almost like I started to live again once I met you, and well, I don't want to hurt you, especially you"

She hugged him tightly, "I wish you didn't have to go through this Rick, but you owe it to yourself, if not Kate, remember how frightened I was when Cameron's letters first came to me. You stood by me, just like I'm standing by you, and I've got you, Rick, she can't hurt you anymore, not now. I love you" she kissed him gently, sweetly and long, and continued to hold him until he was ready.

"Thanks, what would I do without you," he kissed her and pulled the letter from his jacket pocket where he had placed it a few days ago. She took her seat across the room, still in his line of vision, for support, but far enough to allow him to read the letter in privacy.

She watched as he carefully opened the envelope, and folded the pages flat, carefully, then took a deep breath. "You got this sweetheart, I'm right here," she said softly, as his eyes began to read,

Kate had started it as he thought she would, playing on her being patient, and would wait for him, the joke was how long had he already waited,

"Dear Rick,

First, I'm sorry I have to write this, I would much rather talk to you, but I know you aren't ready, perhaps you'll never be, to hear from me again. I'm sorry to choose the book launch to hand you this, I only pray that you will at least think about reading it.

I wouldn't blame you if you threw this in the trash without a second look, but I beg of you please read it, all of it. I know I messed up, putting it politely, I screwed up our future and caused you hurt and pain you didn't deserve. For that, I ask for you to please try to forgive me.

OK, now she had moved from being patient to being at least partly the victim, the MO never changed. The surprising thing was that she admitted to seeking help again, he was happy that she did.

"I've worked with another therapist since I've been gone, and she told me that I had to face facts, forgiveness is a process, much like grieving. You may have thought you were grieving alone, but Rick, I cried myself to sleep countless nights. I fell into the same old pattern, if I didn't call, I wouldn't hear your voice, and I wouldn't hurt so badly.

As he read the lines above, he became angry, how dare she compare what she caused to grieving, and she cried herself to sleep many nights? Even if that were true, she controlled everything, from the start to now, he had no control, he could only wait, and watch what she would do and when.

He hadn't heard a word, even though the normal promise "I'll call you, I promise" must gave been forgotten as soon as it was spoken. She knew exactly where she was, and what was going on, he had no idea and eventually had to force himself to stop caring, or risk damage to himself. When he and Melissa first met for coffee, it was in support of Mr. Hajek's immigration, nothing more.

Then the phone calls to check, he never once thought that she would be where she was in his life at that time. He had been transparent with Kate the entire time, he talked, she listened, or not, it went in and out of her mind as quickly as he had said it.

"The truth was I hurt even worse, and by the time I wrapped my head around it, so much time had gone by, another lie, another disappointment, I didn't want to hear the words I thought you would say. Words you had and have every right to say, even today, but I owe it to you, to me, to us to try to make things right.

Her words seemed to have a common theme. What had she said after her shooting, she wanted to call, but she didn't want him to see her like that? Like what? She never even told him she had split with the Motorcycle Boy Doctor, a fact that caused him immense pain.

She wanted to hear his voice, but not his message, sounds about like Kate. If I stick my head in the sand, I won't get my ass blown away by that hurricane on the horizon. For an intelligent woman, she offered some of the lamest and pitiful excuses he had ever heard.

"Even before I left, I hurt you terribly, I don't believe I ever asked you to forgive me for my lack of judgment with Eric Vaughn. I am so sorry Rick, I understand now how that must have made you feel, especially coming within days of you staying with me when I had slim to little chance of surviving the bomb I stood on for hours. The only good thing that came from that was Captain Gates publicly acknowledged that we were a couple, and I was a very lucky woman. I was, and I still am.

Lack of judgment? What the Hell was she talking about. She kissed a billionaire she was charged with protecting, and she called it a lack of judgment? Almost like sorry your honor didn't mean to kill him I didn't know the gun was loaded. Lack of judgment was not refusing the assignment totally, even taking a vacation or sick days, not kissing a stranger and almost getting him killed, or her as well.

She had mentioned the bomb, perhaps that's what hurt the most. Less than a few weeks later she had questioned his commitment to their relationship and acted out on it by kissing, excuse me, allowing him to kiss her, she didn't kiss back. The question Abby raised, and she hadn't answered, either by design or because she couldn't tell him the truth. How far would it have gone on without the interruption from the sniper? Not a rousing endorsement for the trust required for any relationship going forward.

"Even though you may never forgive me, you gave me a period in my life where looking back I had it all. More than everything, I had ever hoped for, and I have no excuses. I won't insult you trying to offer excuses for my actions other than to tell you it was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life.

She once again admitted making a mistake, never giving a reason why, or what she would do if she were tempted with similar circumstances. Was she here until the next big offer came? Whatever, or wherever that might be. In the same pattern, she was the martyr, the victim, when in reality, she broke his heart worse than even Kyra did. When she left, he thought he could never hurt that badly again, he was wrong.

"I don't know your personal status, no one will tell me if you've moved on or not, so I guess, I will have to ask you in this letter. Rick, if you have found someone who makes you happy please just tell me, I will not bother you again. The only fact I was able to gather was that Alexis was being very mature about my invitation to the book launch, in spite of Paula or Gina, and I want to say thank you, to her and you. She's a wonderful young lady Rick, you did a fantastic job raising her.

She was consistent, he would give her that. Once again telling him she would step aside if he had moved on, something she had already done, dumping him for a job. It was heartbreaking to lose anyone you love, but to have them rate the value of a job higher than a future with their partner, well it was just another way of saying it's my life Castle, this doesn't affect you. She was correct on that point; it no longer was his concern.

It was a nice touch trying to use his parental skills to make him recall the conversations they had had, not only about Alexis but also the fact that she wanted children, wait, that was before the big job on the big stage came, guess she really didn't want kids after all. Did she even remember their conversations? It was almost like a different person had written this letter.

"I know you don't care about my opinion, especially about your family, but I have one request Rick, just one. Would you meet me somewhere neutral so I can tell you so many more things I have in my heart, but I don't want to write a 20-page letter? PLEASE consider it, if you decide no, I will abide by your wishes as you did mine.

"I know you have no reason to believe me, but I'm asking for the opportunity to sit across from you, to let you ask anything, say anything, I deserve whatever wrath you have been hiding for me. I can't let our love go without at least one more battle, so I guess it's now your move. Please call me, text, email, any method will work.

She wanted to meet in a neutral spot so she could open her heart to him? I thought that was what he had tried to do, first in her apartment, then by phone, and finally the swings. I guess she hadn't listened, he had offered to move to DC, if she wanted, her response, the job would come first and she wouldn't have time. Perhaps the vision of the ring he had stashed for two years, waiting, waiting on her to be ready. They hadn't been an official couple for three weeks when the Vaughn incident occurred, then 8 weeks later she lied, and traveled out of state for a job that she knew would be the end of them, a prediction he made that had come true.

"I do want to tell you that I have resigned from the AG's office and will be returning to the 12th precinct in the next few weeks to replace Captain Gates. I didn't want you to think I was hiding anything else from you, so I'll conclude with this Rick. I love you, I have for years, and I'm praying that there is one more ounce of forgiveness left in your heart. Either way, thank you for everything you did for me, our friends, and the strangers you impact daily,

"I hope to hear from you, but I'll understand if I don't

"I love you, Always,

Kate"

So now she was being totally transparent, 8 months without as much as a word, now she walks back and is totally open and honest with him, OK, what other swampland is for sale today he thought. Then he thought, that wasn't entirely fair to Kate, she wasn't honest with anyone, not just him. It was almost as if she didn't know how to stop the lies. If she did, she certainly would have, or any normal person would have.

He didn't have a clue what she had been up to, or with who for the last 8 months, and now as he looked at Melissa, sitting a few feet away nervously checking on him every few minutes, he really didn't care.

He smoothed the papers, and whispered, "Melissa" she was in his lap in a second.

"You OK, sweetie, how can I help," She said as she kissed his forehead, then laid her head on his shoulder,

"She wants to meet someplace public, she said there were things she wanted to say, she didn't feel right putting on paper," Rick said gently,

"How do you feel about that Rick? Don't worry about me, I'm fine sweetheart as she hugged him a little tighter"

"Well, knowing her, she'll be a thorn until she knows it's over so I might as well do what she was too big a coward to do, end it once and for all," he said as he leaned into Melissa,

"Are you sure that's what you want to do, Rick, you were together, I mean I un" until he had her lips in a kiss to silence her, "it's what I want sweetheart, the sooner the better. I want to move with clean slates, OK?"

The kiss deepened and once again, she was leading him to their room by the hand, he had the weight of the world lifted off of him. Melissa wouldn't admit it, but she had been holding her breath, she knew now, where she stood.

TBC