Trigger warnings: Talks of Suicide
The feeling of guilt rippled through his body, the fact that he even considered cheating on Carla hurt him a lot, he knew it was stupid, he really did love her but without her being here psychically with him he deemed it as better than finding solace in the bottom of a bottle. He had a restless night where he was tossing and turning in bed, he hoped to reach out to scoop Carla into his arms but there was nothing apart from the gentle snuffles from Azalea every now and then who was fast asleep in the cosleeper beside the bed. He got up and padded downstairs to the kitchen taking the baby monitor with him and poured himself a glass of water, he noticed Michelle asleep on the sofa from where she had probably stayed up too late, he gently nudged her into wakefulness.
"Michelle?" Peter chuckles slightly she looks p at him with a smile "You fell asleep by the looks of things, you should get up to bed"
"Hmm yeah," she mumbles "What are you doing up?"
"I was just getting some water, I couldn't really sleep"
"Right" she nods folding her arms across her chest feeling rather insecure around Peter
"Look I'm sorry about...what happened...it's just difficult"
"I understand" she flashes him a smile, Peter nods biting his lip "Let's just try and move on, I think you should tell Carla-"
"Are you out of your mind? She's hardly in a position to comprehend this?" he exclaims, Michelle just sighs shaking her head
"Come on Peter, either way, it's going to affect her you may as well do it now as she has the support in place" Michelle mumbles chewing her lip "Just do it"
"Ok fine" he laments "I'll do it when I visit her next"
"Good now I'm going to bed" Michelle states grabbing a glass and filling it with water "Good night Peter"
"Night 'Chelle" he whispers hearing her pad up the stairs, he sighs slightly shaking his head not knowing how Carla would cope with the whole thing if he told her...
Peter got up that morning and managed to get Aziza to school as well as drop Azalea off with Johnny who wanted to look after her. Michelle went off to work leaving Peter to get on and do some things around the house such as tidy Aziza's room which she hadn't wanted to do as usual as well as change all the sheets and do the general house chores. He finally got the phone call that Carla wanted to see him so he got changed and raced to the hospital where she was staying, signed in then went to see her after being briefed by Dr Williams about her mental state which was actually going rather well today.
"Hey love" Peter smiles, she turns to face him smiling from where she was sitting on the armchair reading a book, she gets up and gestures for him to sit down on the armchair, she positions herself on his lap "What are you reading?"
"They just got me some random book from the common room" she shrugs, he nods slowly "You look shifty"
"Yeah..." he trails off biting his lip "Something happened I suppose?"
"Right" she nods folding a page in her book and closing it, she wraps her arms around his neck "What happened?"
"I did something really stupid and...nothing really happened but I was tempted-"
"Y-You had a drink?" she questions anxiously, he shakes his head chewing his lip "Oh...then what? It can't be that bad..."
"I tried to make a move on Michelle, I realised it was wrong and I regret it so much, I love you sweetheart so much it's just so hard with you being in here, I want to hold you and look after you and that's been taken out of my hands-"
"Peter" Carla sighs biting her lip "I trust you and I know you love me, I do, it's just you need to stop this ok? Seriously...I need you baby and I'm not going to let one little hiccup like this blow apart our family, not again, I trust you with Michelle, I do, I know there's no feelings there, I know there isn't, so stop panicking, I understand it's hard and I don't blame you"
"Really?" he gulps looking into her eyes to try and find the sincerity, she smiles at him "Ok well, if you ever want to talk about it, please speak to me, I'm sorry"
"Stop saying sorry" she mumbles breathing in his scent "How's Zi?"
"Yeah she's good, she liked the reply to her letter, won't stop reading it" he smiles, she nods slowly fiddling with her hands "How have you been, you seem brighter today?"
"Yeah they're being nice" she points to her head, Peter nods slowly kissing her on the forehead "For now at least, no doubt they will try and get me to hurt myself again"
"It must be so scary for you" Peter smiles, Carla just shrugs
"I'm used to it now"
"You shouldn't be though" he sighs adjusting her in his arms, Dr Williams enters the room and pulls up a chair beside them all, Carla just glares
"Hello Carla" Dr Williams offers her his hand, she reaches out to touch is gingerly in an attempt to ground herself "How are you feeling today then?"
"Better than yesterday" she states, Peter, smiles at her watching her grasp onto Dr Williams hand "Why?"
"I was wondering if it's ok with Peter if you would like to meet Aziza?" Dr Williams questions, Carla's eyes light up briefly before she frowns "What are you thinking?"
"Will I scare her?" she turns to face Peter who just shakes his head "I will though"
"Oh no sweetheart you won't" Peter whispers "She's totally understanding of the situation and she knows you're a bit different, Toyah's explained to her about this, about you and the situation so she's fully understanding"
"Ok then, yes" Carla nods, Dr Williams smiles "I want to see Zi"
"That's what we'll do then, Peter and I will speak about it over the phone or after he's finished here with you to see where we go" Dr Williams smiles "You spend some time together and enjoy yourself"
"I will" she smiles watching him leave the room, she turns to Peter and kisses him on the lips "I'm happy that I will get to meet Zi, how is she getting on with Toyah?"
"Good they're like best friends well, she liked her when we were together..."
26th December 2017
It had been a day since I had been back, I was staying in a hotel with Aziza and she was hardly enjoying the experience, she was very much a creature of habit and that was fine and all but having a 6-year-old confined to a hotel room was very hard in itself especially a six-year old with endless amounts of energy, it would be tiring enough for anyone let alone me in the condition I was in currently.
I managed to get Aziza into the car and we drove off to meet Michelle for breakfast, I parked my car in Victoria Court as Robert was out then we went up to meet Michelle. Aziza was speaking animatedly about her life in Devon and Michelle was listening intently to her ramble on about the trivial nonsense which was her life. Of course as if by magic as we were walking to Roy's, Peter steps out of the cafe with his takeaway cup of coffee, I see Aziza's eyes light up as she launches herself at Peter, I offer to take his coffee for him so they could have a hug.
"I missed you Daddy!" she cries into his chest as Peter lifts her up, she wraps her legs around his middle "I didn't realise you were back! I thought Mummy was joking!"
"Oi I was deadly serious, actually" I defend myself, Aziza grins kissing Peter on the cheek, it made my heart warm "You're too suspicious of me baby girl"
"Can I go with Daddy? Please!" Aziza begs, me I roll my eyes not really caring, I knew she would be safe with Peter was, all the pain he caused me I knew he loved Aziza and would keep her safe I had no doubts about it
"It's up to your Mum...I am rather busy though" he smiles slightly, I nod glancing to Michelle, I knew she would want to spend time with Aziza
"I know what we'll do, why don't you have some breakfast with me and Aunty 'Chelle then later we could go and spend some time with Daddy?"
"Yes, ok, as long as I get to see Daddy" she smiles squirming to get down, she places her hand in mine
"Is that ok with you?" I ask Peter who nods, "Right then we'll head over around three just before we meet up with Johnny to have dinner eh?"
"Yay!" Aziza beams "See you later!"
"Yeah see you soon sweetheart" Peter smiles, he nods at me and I smile back, Michelle shares a look with me and I glare at her begging for her not to say anything in front of Aziza, she gets the hint meaning I was able to enjoy my breakfast without a lecture from my friend...
After breakfast we spent some time with Kate and Aidan, I wanted to spread myself evenly between everyone knowing the predicament I was in, well they didn't know I was dying in front of their eyes, neither did Aziza but I had the support of Roy and that was the main thing. Aziza fell asleep whilst I was visiting Roy so he said that I could put her in the spare room to sleep, we spoke a bit about my kidney disease and the way forward, I shared my concerns about Aziza and whether she would have people looking out for her if the worse was to happen, if I did die, and that was a scary enough thought in itself let alone not knowing what would happen to Aziza. I had to think about it though, would I want Peter to have her? No offence to him but he was hardly the most stable of people and had a dodgy history especially where Simon was concerned and to be honest I didn't want Aziza going through that so right now I just didn't know, I didn't have to decide yet but it was a thought playing on my mind and Roy could see my concern. At least I had his support at the end of the day and he would help me reach a decision.
The time soon came to Peter meeting Aziza, I woke her up as she was still asleep, redid her hair then walked her over to the Rover's, I still couldn't believe Peter owned this place considering he was an alcoholic and all that but if it made him happy then so be it. His face lit up as soon as I entered, we went into the back room and Peter offered Aziza a seat as well as me at the table in the back.
"I've brought some stuff such as colouring books, some other bits and pieces she may want to play with and all that" I smile glancing to Aziza who was having an animated conversation with Peter "So you two aren't listening to me now?"
"Sorry" Peter flashes me a cheeky grin, Aziza just laughs as well "What did you say?"
"All the things she needs are in her bag" I chuckle glancing to the door as Toyah walks into the room and raises her eyebrows "You must be Toyah"
"Yes, I am" she replies, I notice the shift in the atmosphere "And is this Aziza?"
"That's my name" Aziza grins mischievously
"Zi" I scold knowing she was coming across rather pretentious "We've spoken about this attitude"
"Sorry" she smiles at me, I nod watching her turn to face Toyah "I am Aziza, yes, and sorry"
"Well Toyah is your Dad's partner sweetheart so she'll most likely be here as well" I smile, Aziza nods slowly, I sense shes probably most likely going to cause mischief between all three of us so I will no doubt have to watch out for that "So are you ok if I leave you now?"
"Of course" she grins, I roll my eyes, Toyah bends down beside her "Hello"
"I have some squash and some biscuits out there if you want some, chocolate digestives?"
"Ooo yes please!" Aziza's eyes light up I chuckle, I smile at Toyah as they both go into the kitchen I hear them talk animatedly with each other, I collect my stuff, Peter beckons me out of the room
"Thank you so much, Carla really, you could have said no and after all the pain I caused her when we were together and you...you could've just turned around and said no so thank you"
"Peter, chill, it's fine I want her to have a relationship with her father" I glance into the room where Aziza was getting on with Toyah like a house on fire, maybe she would be fine with Peter if I did pass away "I would never stop her from seeing you"
"Thank you" he whispers taking my hand I gulp trying to keep my emotions intact, my skin felt like it was on fire "Really, I can't believe you let me see her that easily"
"She needs you as much as me" I whisper, the last part was barely audible "Look I have to head off, I will pick her up around five"
"Alright, bye Carla" Peter smiles I nod and leave the pub when I stepped outside I sucked in a breath of fresh air wondering where on earth I went from here...
"I knew she would always be safe with you, I knew she loved you deep down and if I...if I had died Peter then I was convinced that you would look after, you and Toyah, she liked her, she kept rambling on about her after I picked her up"
"Yeah they did seem to get on rather well, apart from those pranks she used to pull"
"I still apologise for those" Carla grimaces, he just chuckles haking his head "Obviously got it from you"
"Oi!" he defends himself, she giggles slightly "I have you know that she is an equal mix of both of us, thank you very much"
"I'm only teasing" she smiles slightly before humming, she reaches to grab her stress ball "Sorry..."
"It's ok, what are you thinking about?"
"How things could have been different" she shrugs, he nods slowly "How my pride got in the way back then, maybe Aidan wouldn't have committed suicide and maybe we would still have him"
"Oh sweetheart"
"I remember..." she gulps biting her lip "I remember when I walked in on him...when I saw him on the floor when he took his own life...I never thought that a year later I would have been thinking about doing the same thing"
"Oh love" he whispers sympathetically rubbing her back "Do you feel like you want to end your life still?"
"Everyday" she whispers "I know I'm happy now, and I feel happy right at this moment but...I still feel the longing to end it all, to stop Aziza fantasising that if I ever get out of here that I will be the same as I was"
"You know why you have to be in here though?"
"Of course" she nods "I know I have to be in here because I'm a danger to myself and others, that I have severe problems with my mental health, I'm not naive"
"I know you're not I wasn't saying that" he whispers, she smiles slightly "You keep fighting them ok?"
"I will, I want to try now, the fact that I get to see Aziza has put fire in my belly to fight this now. I can do this"
"You can" he smiles kissing her on the head, he tries not to sigh in relief, he had the thought of her not fighting this too often just letting her mind fester forever, "I think you'll be fine you know..."
"Me too" she smiles picking up her book and beginning to read it again, he watches her and revels in the sight of her engrossed in something which wasn't her mind, he was so happy right now at the fact that she was looking to the future which is something she hadn't done in a while...
He spent some time with Carla and they had a laugh and a joke about things which she seemed comfortable talking about. Peter then went home and went to collect Aziza from school who was talking about her day as well as wanting to see her Mum, he hadn't told her yet about the whole thing and in a way, he didn't want to get her hopes up and he wanted to ask Michelle for some advice on the situation before telling Aziza. There were many reasons why he didn't want to tell Aziza, one being that he just didn't know what sort of days Carla would have in the lead up to her meeting Aziza so he didn't wants to get his daughters hopes up just in case something happened. They walked to go and collect Azalea from Johnny's and then went back home where Michelle had started on dinner.
"Hi Aunty 'Chelle!" Aziza beams giving her a hug, Michelle raises her eyebrows, she watches as Peter sorts Azalea out and sits down in the armchair with her huddled against his chest asleep "I have homework"
"Go and do it before dinner then" Peter smiles, Aziza nods skipping up the stairs with her schoolbag "Oh you are being very needy arent you Azalea?"
"She's probably desperate for some cuddles" Michelle muses shoving a casserole dish in the oven before taking a seat on the sofa "How was Carla?"
"Yeah she was good" Peter smiles before lowering his voice "We're going to try and see if we can get Zi to visit her, they reckon she might be ready and it may help her recovery if she has a goal. I think that's one of the main issues you see I don't think she has a goal to be working towards"
"Hmm seems good to me, are you going to tell Zi?"
"No not yet, probably the day before it happens" he smiles "I just don't want to tempt fate but all in all Carla had a really good day today, I told her about what happened between us she wasn't phased, she understands the position we're in and completely gets it"
"That's good then I could tell you were worrying about it" Michelle smiles, Peter nods slowly "Why don't you go and help Zi with her homework? I can take over baby duties for a bit"
"Are you sure?" Peter hums, Michelle nods taking the baby into her arms "Right thanks for this and thanks for making dinner, things are just so hectic-"
"Peter it's fine, we all want to help" Michelle smiles, he nods "Go on go and help Zi, I'll call when dinners ready"
"Thank you" he smiles heading up the stairs, at least today was much more positive than previous ones...