writers are dangerous people.
never take a writer for granted.
they are snipers armed with words.
they know how to aim with sentences,
how to fire with paragraphs,
and how to immortalise their kills in verse.
When I heard banging on my door, I knew it was Stein, but I didn't get up. I resolved in my head that no matter how hard he banged on the door, I wouldn't stand to open it.
I didn't sleep a wink last night and I was still awake when Stein began knocking promptly on the door and it made rage slowly begin to build in my stomach. I buried my face in my pillow, biting it to suppress my anger when I heard Stein peek in the room.
"Oi," he called. "Medicine. Now."
I didn't respond. I was breathing very heavily into the pillow, my eyes squeezed shut in annoyance. Stein came into the room.
"Kid," he said gruffly. I heard him shake the small paper bag. "Take your medicine. You're usually up before I get here."
"Go away," I muttered quietly into the pillow, my hands beginning to shake with rage.
"What?" he drawled, and his tone was what made me snap. I arched up from the bed to smack the paper bag from his hand, making it hit the wall lightly.
"Get out!" I said a bit louder, my eyes alight with fury. I had the pleasure of seeing caution finally slash in Stein's eyes as he backed away a few steps.
"Alright, easy, Maka," he said lowly. I growled lowly when I heard my name.
"Easy." He picked up the medicine from the floor before turning back to me.
"What's going on?"
I whipped my head around to look to the doorway. Blackstar was stood there, his usually wide and child-like eyes narrowed as he eyed the scene. Ironically enough, Blackstar was the one in their ward who had made the most progress. It was likely he would be leaving soon.
"Blackstar," Stein said slowly, still eyeing my shaking form warily, as if I would pounce at any minute. "Will you go and get Marie for me? Sid too."
I snarled, standing from the bed causing Stein to back away more and Blackstar to tense.
"I am so sick of this," I said very quietly, but my voice shook. "I'm sick of this ward. I'm sick of pretending like your stupid medicine is doing anything for me when it's not! Do I look okay to you? I am furious and I don't even know why! Now, you either give me a blade or get the fuck out of my way or I swear to God Stein, I will make you."
Blackstar recoiled at my harsh words, though Stein was unfazed. He just urged Blackstar to go do as he was told. I could see the surprise and unease in Blackstar's gaze. I'd done so well at keeping it together around people – He'd never seen me like this. It's a shame that this is how he had to see it.
"You gonna be okay, though?" he said in a wary voice, Stein nodded.
"It's my job, kid. Send someone or get them, but we need them. She seems to be having a-"
"Stop talking about me like I'm not here!" I screeched, making the two looks back to me. Kid came to stand behind Blackstar, his expression stern as he peered at me. The girls were behind him. I felt my mood shifting suddenly to sadness, but all that did was make me angrier.
"Get out." I said slowly, my eyes intent and dangerous on Stein. He shook his head.
"No. Don't worry Maka, everything will be fi-"
"Fine?" I snapped. "Oh yeah, like people haven't been telling me that my whole life. Don't you see, Doctor Stein? I'll get better without you, but right now you're making me so – so angry-"
"Maka, I – "
"Don't fucking 'Maka' me!" I could barely believe he had the nerve. I threw the closest thing I could grasp, which was a pencil case from the desk, at him. The relief I felt at doing so make me want to throw more. I wanted to kick things, hit things. I threw all the contents of my desk at the doorway, before tipping over the desk itself. As I got to the chair, Marie and Sid entered the room.
Soul was behind them.
"Maka…" Marie began sadly. I hissed under my breath. Marie's voice made a rage I didn't even know was possible build in me. My eyes snapped to her.
"Don't," I growled and started towards her, though before I got any closer, Soul swooped in the push me away, moving with me.
"Soul, I fucking swea-"
"Maka," he said, completely calm. "You're not well. Worrying about other people seems to have made you forget that."
I glared furiously at him.
"You have no idea, what is wrong with me Soul," I said slowly, my eyes dangerous as I did. Soul nodded.
"I know. But Maka – "
"Don't say but! I'm sick of it. I am sick of this! So, I want out. I can't cope with not sleeping at night. All these – these horrible thoughts in my head it's just so – so overwhelming. And then I have to get up and go to these fucking music lessons and you guys don't understand I don't want to. I don't want to do anything - "
"It's because you're sick, Maka," Soul said, his voice raising as I grew more incoherent. "I don't know what's wrong with you but listen to me-"
"You know that promise I made you, Soul? Do you remember? The one about me hurting myself, about me never doing that again?" I asked him suddenly, making Soul's eyes narrow and break his calm façade.
"Yeah," he began slowly but I didn't let him go on.
"I want to break it," I growled. Soul took a sharp intake of breath as he took in my expression.
"I'm gonna break it. I don't want to be here anymore; I don't want to be anywhere anymore."
My voice shook, the anger slowly faded into a sad agony that made me feel so hopeless it was painful.
"Maka," Marie uttered, her eyes sad so sad I couldn't bear to look at her. I noticed Stein re-enter the room as my knees wobbled when the severity of the morning hit me.
"I hate it, I hate it, I hate it," I whispered, drawing my wrists from Soul's hands to grip my head.
"I hate it!" I shouted and turned to punch the wall. It made an audible crunch like noise as it connected, and it felt fucking amazing. I couldn't stop. I wouldn't stop. My fist was red as my knuckle burst but I got another hit in before Soul grabbed my shoulders and pulled me away to sit on the bed.
Everyone gasped and Marie ushered them from the room. Sid was watching me, he had stepped forward to keep me from hurting myself more, but Soul was the only person who dared to get so close to me.
"I hate it, I hate it, Soul I hate it," I sobbed. Soul frowned and cradled my face in his hands as he tried to make me look at him.
"You hate what, Maka?" he asked and then I felt a prick in my arm. Stein pressed the needle into the crook of my elbow and my eyes began to droop shut, but not before uttering an answer to his question.
"Me," I whispered before everything went black.
My throat hurt. I didn't open my eyes but my right hand throbbed and my head ached. I squeezed my eyes shut before blinking them open, frowning at the unfamiliar, hospital-like room before the memories dawned on me.
I gasped. I had restrained from doing everything I did then for so long that I guess I just snapped. I buried my face in my hands but winced when I tried to open my right one. It was bandaged. I suddenly recalled punching the wall and swallowed thickly. My attention was diverted when the door creaked open.
"Maka," Marie came in, a soft smile in place as she came to sit beside her bed.
"I don't want to talk about it," I said almost immediately. Marie nodded in understanding before placing a piece of paper on my lap.
"You don't have to." she said gently. She gestured to my injured hand. "You broke two of your knuckles, but Stein's patched them up."
I nodded and turned my head away. Marie sat on the side of my bed.
"I realised I never really explained your illnesses to you." she said softly. "That was wrong of me. But I know you don't want me to sit here and ramble on about why you're here so I just listed, very simply, the things you should expect. Now, these aren't all your illnesses, we still have some we need to explain to your parents before we tell you. But these are the things the medicine we give you treats. Now, you're good for now, Stein gave you your medicine with an injection earlier, but I really think you should read this."
I nodded, I looked anywhere but at her as guilt gnawed in my stomach.
"Okay," Marie nodded before standing. "I'll leave you be. You can rest for today as you should feel a little groggy. That sound good?"
I nodded, not looking up until I heard the door click shut. When I did, I picked up the paper in my hands and sighed before reading the contents.
Personality Disorder
Intense emotions and mood swings.
Harmful, impulsive behaviours.
Relationship problems.
Low self-worth.
A frantic fear of being left alone (abandoned).
Slight Psychosis
Hallucinations
Delusions
Confused and disturbed thoughts
Lack of insight and self-awareness
Aggressive behaviour.
Severe Depression
Alcohol or drug abuse.
Insomnia or excessive sleeping.
Irritability.
Loss of interest in activities that used to be enjoyable.
Hopelessness.
Persistent thoughts of something bad happening.
Thoughts of death or suicide or suicide attempts.
I rolled my tongue over my bottom lip as I glared forward, something I did when I was angry. I gripped the edges of the paper tightly in my good hand, creasing it before relaxing. I was about to rip it up when I heard another knock on the door before it opened.
I held my breath as Soul closed the door behind him, his head bowed as he made his way over to the bed, not missing how I turned to paper over. He was silent for a few moments, the only sound in the room was our shallow breathing before he finally spoke.
"What happened?" he asked quietly. I shrugged and looked away.
"Nothing. Like you said, I'm sick." I wrapped my arms around my torso, trying to ease the sudden tightness in my chest.
He was quiet before sighed and on the bed.
"I told you everything." Soul said suddenly, making me swallow thickly as I tried to get a look at his face, but he kept it turned away.
"I told you things I never told anyone, not anyone at all." He muttered. "I think it's only fair you do the same and tell me what's wrong with you."
I blinked before closing my eyes, my grip once again tightening on the sheet in my hands. I tried to think up an excuse, but I came up blank. Soul kept quiet about himself for seven years, but he explained everything to me just because he felt he owed it me. Me coming clean with him was the least I could do. I released a long breath before drawing up the paper.
"These are a few of my diagnoses. There are a lot more apparently, but they say it's best I'm kept in the dark about that for now." I murmured as I handed him the paper. I saw his eyes widen as he eyed each of the titles, his jaw growing taught as he read each of the symptoms carefully before his bangs shielded his eyes.
"These are only a few?!" he whispered, his hands wrapping around mine, though he had yet to look up. " I- I had no idea. You should have told me sooner. I would've-"
"What?" I laughed dryly. "There's nothing you could have done. And if anything, you're the one who kept me sane for if I did. I can't believe I didn't snap sooner."
Soul chuckled sadly. "That's true."
I bit my lip as I looked at him. It had been six days since the kiss in the piano room and we had avoided each other since. Soul must have been recalling this also as he looked to me.
"I told you I had to think," he said slowly. "And I've made up my mind."
My breath hitched and I nodded slowly.
"I'm no good for you," he began. "But I'm selfish and you're good for me. You say I help your condition and that I make you happy, but... But, I'm not a great guy, Maka. I've done some bad things and I'm not... normal. But I care for ya, Maka. Way more than I want to admit."
"I know," I whispered. "I agree. I – I care for you, too. A lot. And I know you think you're no good for me, but you are, Soul. You are."
Soul smiled lightly before looking down to my lips, then back up to my eyes. I read his intention perfectly and parted my lips, making him lean in to press a soft kiss to them. Our lips moved together for a few short moments before I pulled away. Soul rested his forehead lightly against mine.
"So, it's settled," he concluding, breathing lightly against my lips. I smiled.
"It's settled." Soul pulled back to say something else before knocking on the door erupted once more. Soul and I frowned.
"Come in," I called weakly, shrugging lightly to Soul. The door creaked open and I looked over to eye the people behind it, though the colour drained from my face the moment my eyes met theirs.
"Maka," Papa's voice cracked almost angrily and my Mother remained silent behind him, but her eyes were pained.
My eyes widened before they narrowed into slits, then lost all their emotion. Only then did I see Soul stiffen in the corner of her eye.
"Hey… Um, Mama. Dad." I mumbled as I eyed them warily. The moment I said 'Dad', I felt Soul jolt. I looked to his face to see his eyes hard on my Papa. It was obvious he was trying to control his expression. I turned to see my Papa's face, which was not happy.
"This your friend?" He asked, stepping into the room. His jaw was taut, and my throat dried up.
"Yes," I managed. Papa nodded slowly and smiled nastily.
"Wanna give us some space, boy?"
I felt Soul rumble and pressed my palm to his shoulder. I tried to ignore my father's intense gaze while I nodded.
"It's fine. You can go."
"You'll be alright?" He asked, his voice hard. Fear laced through me – My Dad wouldn't like that he had to ask that.
"Of course," I smiled. It was so fake that I don't know why I bothered. Soul watched me for a moment longer before forcing himself to stand. He squeezed my hand and walked around my parent's but not without sharing a stare with Papa.
Papa stared blankly at the door as Soul closed it behind him. He cleared his throat and turned towards me.
"You two seem close," He said nicely, but I knew him well enough to know I was in trouble.
"Yeah. Yeah, he's great."
"He didn't seem to like me very much."
I said nothing. Papa cast an annoyed look at my mother, and I was scared he was going to ask her to leave for a second so he could do what he really wanted to do.
"We heard about your little… Outburst, this morning," Papa went on, making his way over to the bed. As he did, I shook my head, closing my eyes and making him falter to stop about a foot away from the bed. I heard my Mama swallowed thickly and step forwards to stand beside her husband to look at me.
"Yes," Mama managed. "Your doctors said that maybe if you told us about it, it would help - So, do you want to – "
"Help?" I scoffed, suddenly brave as I interrupted Mama. "You really don't get it, do you?"
My Dad clenched his fists in warning – I ignored it.
"This isn't just a little outburst." I narrowed my eyes as I spat the words. "This isn't some little phase I'm going through. No, listen to me: I'm sick. There's something – multiple things – very wrong with me."
I shook my head at my Papa and glared at him.
"Why is it so hard for you to accept that?"
Mama recoiled slightly, but Papa's eyes only narrowed in annoyance.
"Because you have no reason to be," he growled. Now this was the Spirit Albarn that I was more accustomed to. "You're just being overly dramatic. Acting out for attention. What did we do wrong to cause you to suddenly get these – these - conditions? Seems a little too sudden to me. No, I think you-"
And I snapped.
"Are you fucking kidding me?!"
I leapt up from the bed, breathing heavily with outrage as I stood chest to chest with my Papa, my eyes alight with utter fury. I saw surprise in his eyes due to my response, but then a flood of anger.
"Sudden?!" I almost screeched. "How the fuck is this sudden!? I have been absolutely miserable my entire life because of you." I sneered the word, my eyes darkening with disgust as I glared furiously at the pathetic excuse of a man.
"Not Mama, not school, you. Because, if it wasn't for you, Mama wouldn't be unhappy, school wouldn't suck and I wouldn't be fucking crazy, due to my so-called Papa being a pathetic, no good, raging alcoholic, whore – "
Then my face exploded in agony.
My ears ringed and my head snapped to the side as the back of my Papa's hand hit my cheek, whipping my face the other way. I heard my Mama's gasp before anything else but couldn't really think about it before Papa's fist connected with the other side of my face – He threw all of his full grown-man's strength into the blow and the momentum of it threw me onto the bed. Then it stopped.
I didn't look up when I heard the door slam open and Papa was pulled from the room, along with my Mama's hysterical apologies and outrage. I didn't want to look up. I didn't want to see his face, his expression. I slowly brought a hand up to my cheek. It ached familiarly and blood trickled onto my hand.
I suddenly felt hands on my shoulders and turned my head to see Miss Marie looking at me with eyes full of worry and… guilt. I could see her lips moving but couldn't make out the words. That was the last thing I saw before everything else went black.
I woke up in a different room, but I still seemed to be in the hospital wing. I frowned and sat up slowly, rubbing the back of my bed-mussed head before recollection dawned on me. I sighed heavily, lifting my hand back up to my cheek. It felt swollen and his stupid ring had obviously cut my face, but I couldn't see it. My throat felt thick and tight. I coughed a few times before swinging my legs over the side of the bed and sat up.
I was about to stand when I heard a knock on the door. I muttered my approval for the person to enter and Soul came in, his eyes instantly narrowed as they zeroed in on my cheek. I fought the urge to raise a brow. Guess it looked worse than it felt.
Soul slowly approached the bed to sit in the chair beside it, his eyes never leaving my face. Slowly, his hand drew up to trace where Papa hit me with eyes full of regret.
"I – " His voice was low and rumbling. He cleared his throat. "I shouldn't have left."
I shook my head.
"No, I'm glad you left otherwise it wouldn't have happened," Soul frowned in confusion.
"I told him." I whispered, almost not believing it myself. Soul still looked confused, so I went on.
"How I felt all this time - I really told him. I've never shouted at him before and it felt so good to since everything that's wrong with my life spirals from him. My Mama would probably be amazing if it wasn't for him. School wouldn't have sucked if he wasn't the stupid vice principal. The hit was just – necessary. And nothing I'm unused to."
I shrugged and Soul tensed.
"He - He did that a lot?"
"… We don't have to – "
"This bad? Was it like this, all the time?"
I hesitated. I didn't really see the point in hiding anything now.
"No," he relaxed, and I cringed. "It was worse."
I felt him stiffen and couldn't bring myself to look at him. I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head.
"Please, don't. Don't make me talk about it."
Soul stayed quiet and it was a long moment before he spoke again.
"The staff are going crazy. Marie is having a fuckin' mental breakdown she feels that bad about letting them in. Not only was it evident that most of your problems are due to your life at home but now he's showing signs of child abuse…" he shook his head again, his eyes glazed over.
"They won't let you go back to him. Never." I shrugged.
"I don't really care where I end up if it's as far away from that man as possible." I hummed in contemplation.
"You – You know you're gonna have to talk about it, right?" He said quietly, his low voice impossibly seeming lower. "They're gonna try and make you dig it all up – Relive it."
"I know," I whispered, and my chest clenched.
Soul was quiet again till I felt his arm wrap around my shoulders and pull me to him.
"I've got you," he muttered, and I crumbled. His arm tightened. "I've got you."