Nora leaves the club meeting feeling happier than she has in a long time. She has friends again. New ones and old ones. She follows Rachel to the pool to sit and read while Rachel practices; she takes her normal spot on the bleachers. Middle seat halfway up the bleachers in the middle section of the stands. She sits down, waves to Rachel and smiles when, this time, Rachel waves back while on her way to the locker room to change. Then Nora immediately pulls out a book and starts to read.
She only gets through a page and a half before she is interrupted by Shelby's soft voice.
"Is this seat taken?"
Nora looks at her and then at the entirety of the empty bleachers.
"You're asking to be polite." Nora realizes and then states out loud.
Shelby smiles at her. "I didn't want to bother you if you prefer reading, but I was hoping I could join you today."
"Really?" Nora is confused. It isn't an actual team practice. No one other than Rachel and Nora were even here. "Why?"
"Why do I want to join you?" Shelby sighs and sits down beside her. "Truthfully?"
Nora nods.
"I'm not ready to go home yet and I thought you might like some company. I haven't had a chance to get to know you as well as some of the others and I would like to change that."
Nora nods, places her bookmark carefully in her book and closes it. She wouldn't get a chance to read today, but that didn't bother her at all this time. Shelby actually wants to hang out with her, alone, and this is only the second time that has ever happened to her--having a friend just of her own. Not because they were all a group. Not because they knew Rachel. But because they wanted to spend time with her.
"What're you reading?" Shelby asks.
Nora turns the book toward her to show her the cover. Astrophysics for People in a Hurry.
"I'm not, though." Nora tells Shelby and then adds as an afterthought. "In a hurry."
Shelby nods. "So you like to read, huh?"
"I do. A lot."
"What's your favorite?"
"Genre? Nonfiction because I like to learn new things. I can't pick a favorite book because there are too many."
"That makes sense. I don't read as much as I'd like to." Shelby says. "You know, Leah reads a lot though. I always see her with a book." Shelby says.
"Yeah, I noticed that too."
"You should talk to her about books sometime. I'm sure she'll have a lot to say."
Nora considers that. She would like to be better friends with Leah. She had fun with her this past weekend at Fatin's house. And they did talk a little when they hung up the posters Nora made for their club. But knowing that she likes to read makes trying to figure out a conversation that much easier. That is always the hardest part for Nora. She isn't the best at initiating conversation, or at least, something that people wanted to hear. When she excitedly answers questions in class or tells classmates random facts she learned that were very interesting and actually relevant to the conversation, they always either laugh at her or ignore her.
She wasn't used to being listened to. And making someone laugh with you instead of at you is a very nice change, she realized after her joke this afternoon was a huge hit.
"Why don't you want to go home?" Nora asks Shelby.
Shelby looks at her for a moment before she answers quietly. "I'm scared."
"You're scared of your parents?"
"My dad." Shelby stops looking at her and instead looks out at Rachel climbing up to the high diving board. "He's...he's a pastor. And he...he thinks that being gay is a sin. He preaches all that 'hate the sin, love the sinner', BS. But when you are the sin, it's kind of hard to differentiate between the two in your heart. And it really hurts." She turns toward Nora again and whispers. "I'm gay."
Nora doesn't know who to respond to that. She doesn't know if she's supposed to. Shelby laughs out loud and then sighs loudly as she runs her hands through her hair.
"You know….that's the very first time I said those actual words out loud."
"The whole thing...or the gay part?" Nora wonders.
"The gay thing." Shelby tells her and then says a little louder. "I'm a lesbian." She turns just in time to see Rachel dive into the water. When she's underwater, she yells. "I'm a lesbian!!!"
When Rachel comes up for air, she looks at the bleachers in confusion. "Shelby?"
"Oh, hey." Shelby says. "Great dive. It was...elegant." She shakes her head. "I don't actually know anything about diving, sorry."
Rachel laughs and swims over to them. "What're you doing here?"
"Keeping my friend company while she waits."
Rachel smiles as she looks at Nora and Nora smiles back. "We were talking about books and stuff."
Rachel climbs out of the pool and walks over to the bottom of the bleachers so Nora and Shelby walk down to meet her.
"Oh, and I also came out for the first time ever. Like said the words and everything." Shelby admits and she looks like she's a little bit proud. Which she should be, coming out is a big deal. Nora understands that.
Rachel's eyes widen briefly and then she nods. "That explains...a lot, actually."
"I'm working on being okay with it. With me." Shelby admits. "I know I have a lot of work still to do, but this was a big first step."
"So...the rest of the girls don't know?" Rachel questions.
Shelby shakes her head. "Dot and Fatin figured it out over the last couple of days and basically questioned me about it, so I didn't have to say the words. I just stopped denying them. This was the first time I willingly told someone...without being prompted to."
"You picked a great ally. Nora is amazing with secrets and she's a really good listener." Rachel says which makes Nora feel embarrassed, but good.
She looks toward the ground awkwardly. Nora doesn't really like talking about herself. Or being talked about. Probably because the talking used to be mean and she hasn't properly processed what it's like to have friends who praise you rather than tease you. That's what she missed most about losing touch with Toni, Fatin and Martha. They were all a team. And bullies don't mess with people in a group, everyone knows that the easiest targets are those who are alone. Nora hates being alone. When she feels Shelby lean into her and sees her smile, she remembers that she isn't alone anymore. And her breathing relaxes.
"I think it was a good choice." Shelby says smiling at Nora even wider. "Not sure when I'll be ready to come out to the group yet. That's a lot of people. And I trust them...but also, it's scary. Having that many people know...if it gets back to my dad…"
"Then we'll protect you." Rachel says.
"And you don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to. It's your life and it's your truth to tell." Nora adds.
"You're right. Both of you. I know you all will have my back, and I get to decide when I'm ready."
"Where does your dad think you are today?" Nora wonders.
"Oh, this time it's tutoring." Shelby says. "It's a good thing I always had so many extra-curriculars. It's easy to find excuses now. I used to use the same excuses for why I couldn't hang out with Andrew."
Rachel laughs loudly. "I always thought you could do better than him...even as a beard though, he's horrible."
"Yeah, well, beggars can't be choosers." Shelby says with a shrug and both Nora and Rachel laugh.
"Not sure you'd be begging if you didn't want to." Rachel says and shakes her head. "That was not a sex joke. I promise. Rules are rules." She looks seriously at Nora like she's going to get yelled at for violating their mission statement.
Shelby laughs though. "I guess I should take it as a compliment?"
"Yes. I just meant, you'd be a real catch...for the right person." Her eyes narrow and she stares at Shelby. "Speaking of...do you have a girl in mind?"
Shelby blushes but shakes her head. "Doesn't matter. I need to work on being okay with myself. I'd like to eventually come out...officially. When I turn eighteen, I want to confront my parents. I mean, I still could get kicked out but at least I won't be sent to a conversion camp."
"Shit." Rachel exhales.
"I just...I want to be out for a while...I want...it's important to me that when I do hopefully date someone...that she can't be blamed for 'turning me gay.' Assuming I still even want to have a relationship with my parents after everything goes down, but I…" She trails off and looks out at the water. "I want to be proud. I want the person I love to know I'm proud. Of me and of her and of us."
They are all silent for a while before Rachel smirks. "So, there is someone then."
Shelby rolls her eyes. "That's what you choose to dwell on?"
"No. I mean, I get it all and I think you're brave and strong and I hope it goes better than it likely will. But also , if you have a girl in mind...she better be worth it. She's got to deserve you."
Shelby licks her lips and nods. "I think she is. I think she's amazing."
"She better be." Rachel mutters.
Nora watches them for a moment and then speaks. "I read somewhere…'The universe only gives us what we think we're worthy of receiving.' You have to know you are amazing, too."
Shelby's eyes shine with unshed tears and she throws herself into Nora's arms to hug her, but immediately steps back and raises her hands.
"So sorry. I forgot to ask first and…"
But Nora hugs her back. Shelby deserves good things, and hugs can be some of the best things in the world. She feels Shelby relax into her.
"Gay!" Rachel teases them and they both laugh.
Shelby pulls away eventually as she wipes her eyes and shakes her head at Rachel. "I think I deserved to be teased like that...after…"
"Hey, no. We're all friends. You've got to stop beating yourself up. You can't change what already happened--you can just make sure it doesn't happen again." Rachel tells her and it looks like Shelby might cry again.
She doesn't answer, only nods.
"I'm going to get back to the pool. I probably will be done in half an hour." Rachel says before she jumps in the water and swims across the pool toward the diving board.
Shelby and Nora move back up the bleachers and take their seats. They chat for the next half hour. Nora learns more about Shelby's life in Texas. Some good and some bad. Nora tells Shelby about her childhood friendships with Toni, Martha and Fatin. She tells stories about them and all the things they used to do together. Some make Shelby laugh, others make Nora sad because she missed them and realizes that she can't get all those missed years back.
"What happened?" Shelby wonders. "Why did you all stop hanging out?"
"I know now it was because stuff was going on with Martha and Toni and they were trying to deal with it and it was hard. But...at the time...I always thought it was me. I don't make friends easily. Being on the spectrum..."
"Spectrum?" Shelby questions.
"Autism."
"Oh, I didn't realize."
"That's why it's a spectrum."
Shelby nods in understanding.
"So...I thought that they stopped wanting to be my friend."
"Oh, Nora." Shelby says.
"I didn't know that." Rachel says as she approaches them. "I didn't realize you blamed yourself. I just thought that we all sort of got too busy or parted ways. Me with diving, Fatin with cello. I didn't know…"
Nora shrugs. It's already over, no use dwelling on it. Like Rachel said, they can't change what happened.
"Still. I wish...I wish I knew. I wish that you didn't take all that on alone. And then...then we grew distant, and Nora…"
"It's better now. We're all together again." Nora says simply.
"Yeah…"
"And the group is even bigger." Shelby says. "You have even more friends now. Your social calendar is going to be all booked up."
"I don't have a social calendar. I don't even have a regular one. I use my phone." Nora corrects her.
"So do I." Shelby tells her and Rachel smiles at them.
Rachel and Nora eventually say their good-byes to Shelby and they head home for the day. They eat dinner with their parents and happily recount their day. Then Nora heads to her bedroom to do homework. An hour later, Rachel knocks on the door.
"You busy?" She asks.
"Finishing up my last paper. But you can come in." She says and Rachel walks in.
She slowly takes in the room like it's her first time seeing it, which confuses Nora because it obviously isn't.
"Today was a good day." Rachel states.
"So was Saturday."
Rachel nods. "Saturday was my favorite day in a long time."
"Mine too."
"You know you can tell me anything. Right?" Rachel says as she sits at the edge of Nora's bed.
"Crows can recognize people's faces. And fish as a category of species is entirely inaccurate, if you think about the science..."
Rachel stares at her and then a slow smile graces her features.
"You didn't mean things like that, did you?" Nora asks.
"No. But I like when you teach me things."
"What did you mean?"
"Like...personal stuff. If you need to ever talk about anything, I'm always here." Rachel explains.
"Okay."
Rachel sighs and starts to run her fingers over Nora's comforter. "Are you...you'd tell me if you were...right?"
"I don't know what you're asking."
Rachel licks her lips and then brings her eyes to Nora's. "Are you gay...like Shelby?"
"Shelby is a lesbian. Officially. To be clear." Nora amends. "Labels are important if people choose to use them."
"Right. See, I need to learn this stuff."
"And I'm not. A lesbian. Or gay. Or any of that. But I am asexual."
Rachel nods slowly. "And that is…"
"It's a spectrum, like my autism. So it's different for different people. But for me, it means that I don't even want to have sex. At all. With another person." She felt it was necessary to add that last part. Because, for her, she can talk about sex and she masturbates, but the thought of actually being with someone else...she shudders violently at the thought of it.
"Okay...and if it's a spectrum then…"
"Some people are okay with sex sometimes. Or it depends on the person they're with. Or they would rather only give and not receive or…"
"Okay, I get it." She looks thoughtful. "So today, the rules we made...it's for people who might be asexual then. Right? That's why we made them. Not that I actually want to hear all about Fatin's sexploits. But...it was really good of Toni for looking out."
"Yeah, it was unexpected, but nice."
"I'm straight." Rachel says. "I just...I feel like maybe that should be said rather than assumed. Is that okay?"
"Why wouldn't it be okay?"
"I just...a lot of this is really new to me. And maybe I'm not like Shelby's dad or even like Shelby with all the deprogramming that girl has to do...but, I also have a lot to learn. And I want to."
Nora nods. She appreciates that she's trying. That's all anyone can do.
"So...does that mean you won't ever date anyone?" Rachel asks.
"Not wanting sex isn't the same as not wanting to date someone. There is plenty you can do in a relationship that doesn't involve sex."
"Right. Duh."
Nora smiles at her. "There are some people though, who don't ever want to date. They are aromantic. You can be aromantic and still want sex or you can be aromantic and asexual both. It's a spectrum too."
Rachel stares at her with wide eyes. "I think I might need notes."
"I can make you flash cards. If you want." Nora offers.
Rachel smiles and nods. "Yes! That would be perfect actually."
Nora is happy. She likes to feel useful. It makes her feel like she's appreciated and wanted.
"I have a boyfriend actually." Nora tells her sister.
"What?!!" Rachel jumps off the bed and rushes to her. "Tell me everything."
"His name is Quinn. He's in my physics class."
And Nora tells her sister all about him. About his special coat he wore on the first day of school. How he makes her feel seen and understood. How they laugh together and dance together. And how he is as smart as Nora, maybe more. But only a little.
And Rachel listens. It's the first time they really talked. About real things. About Nora's life. And it feels good to share it with her. Quinn makes her happy. And was the first friend she ever made on her own, which might make him even more special than he is as her boyfriend.
"You should bring him to the next club meeting." Rachel tells her. "I want to meet him before that, but you should also take him to the meeting. The others will want to know him."
"Maybe."
"Maybe to which one?"
"The club. I just got my friends back, I don't want to risk losing them."
"Why would that happen?"
"In case they don't get along. Quinn has a hard time making friends, too."
"Then he could use some more, right?" Rachel counters and Nora thinks that maybe she's right.
The next day, she finds Leah before school. Leah is alone by her locker, sitting on the ground reading. The sight makes Nora smile.
"What are you reading?"
Leah looks up at her. "Oh...well…" She shows her the cover. Gideon the Ninth. "There's lesbian necromancers and I didn't realize I needed those things in my life until this moment."
Nora sits beside her. "So it's good then?"
"Really good. It's part of the curriculum Toni made for me."
"Curriculum?"
"She calls it queer studies. All the books, movies, TV shows and fanfiction I need to apparently consume. And to be honest, I didn't even know what fanfiction was. I had to look it up." Leah smiles. "She made me a bingo sheet, but I think that was more Martha's influence. I think it's cute and quite helpful though."
Nora digs in her backpack for the book she brought for this moment. "I brought you one of my favorite books I read this year, since I know you like reading. The author is bisexual actually, so you can add it to the curriculum."
She hands the book reverently to Leah and smiles when Leah treats it like it's sacred.
" Why Fish Don't Exist. " Leah reads the title and looks at Nora again. "I'll start it as soon as I'm done with this one."
"And then we can talk about it?" Nora asks.
"Yes. I'll probably have a ton of questions."
"I'll be able to answer them. Probably." Nora tells her proudly and Leah smiles at her in response as she carefully puts the book in her bag.
"Thank you for letting me borrow it."
"You're welcome."
The next day, Leah finds her before school.
"I brought you one of my favorite books that helped me get through the past few months. It's nonfiction, too. Since you seem to prefer that." Leah says as she hands the book over.
Stillness is the Key.
"It's about mindfulness...but each chapter has some really cool historical facts or trivia about some pretty interesting people. I think you'll like that about it."
And she does. Two days later, she returns the book and they talk about it a bit. The next day, Leah finishes reading her book and also brings Nora a new one to read. They make a habit out of exchanging books and discussing them every Monday and Friday over the next few weeks.
In addition to her growing friendship with Leah, Shelby joins Nora every time she goes to watch Rachel practice.
When she isn't hanging out with her friends, she is studying with Quinn. Eventually, she decides it's time to let her worlds collide and she brings him to a club meeting.
She introduces him to the group before it's officially time to start.
"Everyone, this is my boyfriend, Quinn." She tells them excitedly and a bit nervously.
She hasn't introduced him to Rachel yet, because she wanted to have only one stressful day and not two. So this is also the first time Rachel has met her boyfriend and she really wants it to go well.
"It's nice to meet you, Quinn." Shelby is the first to greet him. "I'm Shelby."
"Yes. I heard all about you. You're from Texas and you sit with Nora on the bleachers so she doesn't have to sit alone. You also like games. And you are a pretty decent volleyball player."
Shelby blushes and smiles. "And you must be pretty special yourself to have won Nora's heart. She's one of the good ones."
He smiles at Shelby shyly even as he can't look at her directly.
"And I'm the sister. Rachel."
Quinn shakes her hand. "I've also heard about you."
"It seems like you know all about us, why don't you tell us a little about you?" Rachel asks. "I know you're in physics and my sister seems to think you're even smarter than she is--which is high praise."
He smiles again. "We are well matched. And actually, our quiz bowl team will probably go all the way this year."
"Our first match is this weekend." Nora adds.
"What? And you didn't tell us?" Toni asks.
"People don't usually go. Only parents sometimes." Nora tells them.
"It's out of town." Quinn comments.
"Road-trip!" Fatin announces happily.
"I call shotgun!" Toni says.
"Do you even know who's driving? That's not fair." Fatin argues.
Nora watches Quinn watch them. And she smiles when he takes off his big thick coat. She knows it's his security blanket and knowing that he feels comfortable and safe with her friends and sister makes Nora really happy.
"You really want to come? We never have much of an audience." He wonders hesitantly.
"Oh, we'll be there! I think we should spend this meeting making signs." Martha replies.
"I'm in charge of coming up with the insults we're going to harass the other team with." Fatin says.
"I'll tag team you." Rachel says.
"Guys...it's not really that kind of event." Nora tells them.
"It didn't used to be." Leah smirks. "We're going to make you famous."
"More like infamous." Regan laughs. "But seriously, this sounds amazing."
"I'm in." Jeanette adds.
And Nora relaxes and listens and watches as her friends, sister and boyfriend chat happily about what quiz bowl actually is, and why they have a good shot of winning Nationals this year.
And on Saturday afternoon, she's not at all surprised when everyone shows up at her house to carpool to the event. She decides that this is the greatest day of her life. And the competition hasn't even started yet.
XXXX
Leah didn't understand how hard seating arrangements could be when they decided on this road trip. No one wanted to force Toni to ride with Regan if it could be helped. But also, Quinn and Nora and Rachel all wanted to ride together. And Toni and Martha were a packaged deal, as were Fatin and Dot. Regan had a car and offered to drive so she decided to take Rachel, Quinn and Nora. Fatin and Dot seem to have ulterior motives for who they want to ride with whom, but then Toni seems to have a motive of her own and Leah is confused about what their agenda is since they are all friends. Luckily, Shelby looks just as lost as she does while Jeanette and Martha didn't look like they care one way or another.
Eventually it is decided that Shelby would drive Toni, Martha and Jeanette while Fatin would drive Leah and Dot.
"I still call shotgun!" Toni declares and Fatin rolls her eyes.
"Like I care where the hell you sit now."
"You're just disappointed that it's not on your lap." Toni says and then her eyes widen. "Sorry. That...slipped out."
Dot laughs loudly as do Fatin and Jeanette, and Martha rolls her eyes. Leah thinks it's funny, and is confused by the apology. But Shelby's expression is unreadable. And that makes Leah more confused.
"Just get in the car." Martha groans as if she's exasperated, but she's smiling.
Shelby, Toni and Jeanette walk to Shelby's car and Martha follows them.
"Leah, I don't care where I sit, want shotgun?" Dot asks.
"Sure?"
Dot is already climbing in the back seat, so Leah takes that as her answer. Leah crawls in the front seat.
"Shotgun picks the music." Fatin says when she starts the car.
"That is patently untrue. You never let me choose."
Fatin glares at Dot and Dot smirks.
"You have awful taste in music." Fatin says.
"They are literally the classics. Everyone thinks so. There are radio stations dedicated to classic rock. It's a whole thing." Dot argues.
"I don't know if the stuff I'd choose is acceptable road trip soundtrack material." Leah says. "I've been listening to a lot of podcasts though." Leah tells them with embarrassment, but continues to ramble anyway. "There are some pretty amazing ones I could recommend…" She trails off.
"Like I said, you choose." Fatin reiterates.
Dot is having a coughing fit in the back and Fatin turns around. "I am going to make you switch with one of the others if you don't keep your damn mouth shut."
Dot straightens up and pretends to zip her lips. Fatin studies her for a minute and then nods. She turns back around and starts the car.
"Wow...I know I should be terrified of you right now...but that was kind of hot." Leah says and she knows her jaw is slack and her eyes are wide.
Fatin stares at her and swallows deliberately and then looks forward and takes a deep breath that she exhales slowly, but shakily.
"You all are testing me today."
Dot laughs again and Leah looks out the window. She goes through her phone trying to find something to play when she gets a text from Toni. It makes her laugh out loud.
"What is it?" Fatin wonders.
"Toni texted me. They let Jeanette choose the music and it's all Pink all the time." She shows her the video Toni just sent them. "The road trip hasn't even started yet and they're all rocking out."
Martha, Shelby, Toni and Jeanette are singing and dancing in their seats excitedly and it makes Leah smile at how amazing her friends are. As they finally start driving, creating a caravan following behind the others, Leah watches the video again. She notices Shelby staring at Toni as the camera moves around the car catching them all in their dance party session. She sees the small, soft smile and the adoration in her eyes.
"Holy shit…" She breathes out and replays the video.
"What?" Dot and Fatin ask together.
"Shelby...I think she's in love with Toni." Leah whispers. Because maybe she shouldn't have said anything. Maybe she isn't supposed to know. Shelby isn't out. She certainly isn't ready to be.
Dot and Fatin don't respond right away. They don't laugh at the ridiculousness of the statement or call her crazy. They don't react at all. She looks at both of them. Fatin is focused on the road, but she has a vice grip on the steering wheel and her knuckles are turning white. Dot is studiously avoiding her gaze through the rearview mirror.
"You both knew." She says because she knows it's true.
"I figured it out this weekend. The volleyball game is when I knew for sure." Fatin says.
"When did you know?" Leah asks Dot.
"I confirmed it when she drove me home from your house. But I knew last year."
Leah's eyes widen when Fatin swerves off the road and then recovers. "Shit! Sorry!"
"The whole year…" Leah thinks back on it, tries to remember anything she can from the previous year but she can't. Then she thinks about the interactions this year. "She wasn't being homophobic...she was jealous."
She lets that sink in. And then remembers the conversation she had with Shelby by the pool this weekend. Shelby had said that everyone wanted to be loved. No one wanted to be alone. She was talking about Toni then, Leah would bet her life on it.
"Wow. Does Toni...do we know if Toni likes her back?"
"I haven't asked. But I've been trying to watch. I don't think she'd be opposed to it...I just don't think it's even a possibility on her radar, because she assumes Shelby's straight." Fatin tells her.
"Right." Leah sighs.
"Plus, the break-up did a number on her." Fatin adds.
"So...are we Team Shelby and Toni? We are right? I mean, Regan is a good person and I like her. But…"
"She broke Toni's heart." Fatin concluded.
"Yeah."
"Plus, Shelby's...Shelby." Dot says. "She's actually pretty fucking fantastic."
Leah nods in agreement.
"Nothing less will do for my girl." Fatin comments, then glances at them. "Toni, Toni is my girl."
"Yeah. We got that." Dot replies sarcastically.
Fatin flips her off and Dot blows her a kiss. Leah laughs at them.
They are all quiet for a while so Leah decides to ask another question. "How about you? Is there anyone…"
Dot has another coughing fit and Leah really starts to worry that she may be coming down with something. Fatin doesn't respond. She's either ignoring her or hasn't heard her. She opens her mouth to ask again, but Dot interrupts her.
"I thought you were going to pick the music."
"Oh, right. I forgot." She goes back to scrolling through her playlists.
Then she laughs to herself and makes a new one. She presses play.
"You've got to be kidding me!" Dot laughs as Pink filters through the speakers.
They laugh and sing along the rest of the ride.
Leah is having so much fun cheering on Nora and Quinn with her friends. She's never been part of something like this before. Part of anything really. But especially something so pure and yet something that feels so huge. Bigger than her. The signs they made have science and math puns that Quinn and Nora helped them with. Shelby even brought one of those huge foam hands that they take turns waving. Nora is amazing. Leah already knew that and has come to treasure her friendship with her. But she is also wicked smart. She is blowing the other team away so completely that it'd be embarrassing if they weren't here to cheer for the winning side. That's when she realizes that they are actually the only ones in attendance besides a few random parents from the other school.
She's glad they didn't revert to insulting the other team. They all decided they were better than that.
"Hey guys...do you think...maybe we should cheer for the other team, too? They don't have anyone."
Martha's eyes light up. "Like...we cheer for anyone who gets a point."
"Yes!" Toni agrees excitedly. "But extra loud for Nora though."
"Of course, we're not barbarians." Shelby teases and Toni shoves her playfully.
And Leah watches. She watches Shelby blush. She watches how the move made them sit a little bit closer and how neither moved away after. She watches how even though Toni is currently paying attention to the host as he reads off the next question, Shelby is smiling and keeps cutting glances at her.
She jumps when she feels an elbow in her stomach and growls at Fatin.
"Be less obvious about your stalking."
Leah rolls her eyes and whispers. "You really think I'll be noticed when Toni's around?"
"Fair point." Fatin grins. "Proceed."
The question is about fish and Leah grins because she knows Nora will know the answer. And she does. Their whole row gets up and cheers for her.
The next question, when the other time answers it correctly, they clap and cheer for them as well. The other team seems to gain confidence after that, and starts to do better. They don't appear as nervous. And as the score gets a bit closer, their excitement as spectators grows.
"Seriously? Why is this not more popular? This is amazing." Jeanette comments from somewhere down the row and Leah nods in agreement.
When the competition is done and their team wins, they rush to the front of the stage and ask to get pictures of both teams. The other team looks so excited as if they were the ones who just won. Nora beams with pride, and Quinn looks at them with amazement. They all snap several pictures. They have one of the other teams' parents take a picture of all of them together. Then they focus on their team. They get in a few shots with the whole team. Then with just Nora and Quinn. Then they get out and let the team have their well deserved glory.
"Okay. Focus on me now." Shelby says. "I'm making sure that this one makes it in the year book."
Leah is sure that some of them have never smiled so widely. She's genuinely happy for them. Afterwards, a few of them come up to them.
"Thanks for coming, we've never had an audience before." A boy says.
"You're Nora's friends...from the club she's in?" A girl asks and Leah notices that Shelby squirms a little.
She feels bad for her, now that she understands how much Shelby risks losing by just hanging out with them. She's heard about her dad and her heart breaks for her friend. To be so terrified of who you are--she's never been more grateful for her own parents.
"Yes. But we're also...just her friends." Shelby responds despite her discomfort.
"Would it be okay...can I join?" The other girl questions.
"Of course!" Shelby says happily.
"I want to as well." The boy tells them.
They go out for a celebration dinner where they buy the whole team their favorite flavor of milkshake. Leah takes several candids of the group. Then takes a few posed ones. She takes a selfie with Fatin who is sitting beside her. And then leans across the table and poses with Toni, Shelby and Dot. She takes a beautiful candid of Rachel and Nora whispering happily together. And then asks them to pose for her. She also takes a separate one of Quinn and Nora. She doesn't remember being this present in her own life before. Ever. And yes, she's viewing it through the camera lens on her phone, but she wants to have proof that she existed. That she lived. That she matters to these people.
Fatin taps her shoulder and leans in toward her to whisper. "Hey, can I see some of those?"
Leah grins and hands her the phone. "Sure."
Fatin immediately presses a few buttons and frowns. "You saved me as Fatin."
Leah rolls her eyes and grabs her phone. "I can't believe you played me! You sneaky fuck."
Fatin grins a little, but still looks sad. "Just Fatin? No exclamation point or emoji or anything?"
Leah sighs. "When I was...obsessed with Jeff. I saved him as 'Spam Risk' so that if anyone ever saw my phone, they wouldn't know."
Fatin looks at her with respect. "That's brilliant actually."
"Not really. I never actually memorized his number so whenever I got a call saying Spam Risk, I answered it and I was disappointed more times than not."
Fatin laughs so loudly and dramatically, that Leah is scared she'll tip over. She rests a hand across her back to steady her and Fatin stops laughing immediately.
"After everything that happened with him, I decided that I just wanted to use people's actual names. If someone is important enough to me that I want their number, I want to use their name. No more secrets. No more lies."
Fatin stares at her for a few seconds and looks away. Then she looks at her again.
"That is acceptable."
Leah removes her hand from Fatin's back and slaps her playfully. Fatin laughs.
"But seriously, I'm sorry I peaked. That was actually none of my business."
"You need to show me yours now."
"Nope. You'll have to find a way to outsmart me."
Leah narrows her eyes at her and smirks. "Challenge accepted."
"Can you send me the pictures though? I really did want to see them."
"Yeah, I'll send them all."
Leah is quiet on the rest of the way back home. She's thinking about what she told Fatin about Jeff. She starts thinking about him again. About them. But not in the dreamy way like she used to. Now it's the nightmarish way. It makes her stomach hurt. She doesn't know if it's from the memories, all the lies she had to tell, or the reality of the whole situation. She starts to dwell on it. Wondering if she'll ever be ready to really talk about it. To tell her parents. They have been amazing and she feels like she owes them. That she can trust them to believe her.
But that's sort of what terrifies her. If they believe her, then they may want to go after Jeff and that means lawyers and cops and retelling her story over and over. If they don't believe her--that's worse though. She doesn't know what she wants, but she knows that the secrets are eating her alive.
"You okay?" Fatin asks softly.
Leah nods and then realizes they're parked. She looks around and sees that Dot has already been dropped off and that she's home. How long were they sitting in her driveway?
"I was thinking...about Jeff."
"Oh."
"Not in the I'm still in love with him way."
"I didn't think that. I know...I know what you realized and I thought...I was worried that you were hurting."
"Oh."
Fatin smiles at that, so she does too.
"I was thinking about whether or not to tell my parents."
"You don't need to do anything until you're ready."
"That's the thing. I think I am. Ready to tell them...not ready to do anything about it. I don't know if I will be."
She hates that she's in a downward spiral now. About what it means to keep quiet. To let him get away with it. She worries if he's praying on someone else now in a different state and without any real consequences. She wonders if there had been people before her. Part of her wants to hate them if it's true. To hate that their not coming forward means she suffered too. But she knows better than that. She knows he's the villain here, not her. She thinks about Martha. How being forced to do something before your ready hurts too. It can make you defend the man who destroyed your life. And she doesn't want that either. It's then that she realizes what she needs to do. What she needs to say. And who she needs to say it to.
"I'm going to tell them now."
Fatin's eyes widen. "I can be there with you...if you need me to be."
Her heart melts at that. At the simple kindness that means more than Fatin could ever understand.
"I need to do this alone. But I'll text you after."
Fatin nods. She touches her knee and squeezes gently. "You're brave. And stronger than you know." She leans in and stares at her. "And even then...it's okay to cry and it's okay to be vulnerable. You be whatever you need to be...but be easy on yourself. Forgiving. Okay?"
And now she was crying. "Okay."
"Shit. That was meant to be a pep talk. I didn't mean to make you cry. Shelby is probably infinitely better at this than me. Or Martha."
Leah laughs and wipes at her eyes. "I plan to talk to Martha next. It's important."
Fatin's eyes shimmer and Leah thinks she gets it. Or is trying to.
"Can I hug you?" Fatin asks shyly.
Leah nods and lets Fatin hold her.
Twenty minutes later, she slowly marches into her house feeling like a prisoner sent to the gallows. Her mom greets her happily and asks about her day only to stop talking immediately when she sees Leah's tear-stained cheeks and red, puffy eyes.
"Honey, what happened?" She rushes to her and envelopes her in a hug and Leah breaks down again. "Are you okay? What's wrong? I'm scared."
"So am I." Leah admits. "I'm scared you'll hate me...or worse, be disappointed."
Her mom steps away slightly but is holding her shoulders with both hands. "I could never hate you and...how is being disappointed worse?"
Leah lets out a wet, blubbery laugh. "I don't know. It just is."
Her mom leads her to the couch in the living room and quickly makes her a mug of hot chocolate. Leah holds the warmth in her hands and watches, mesmerized, as the marshmallows melt before her eyes. She watches the steam rise and inhales the smooth, chocolatey aroma deeply. When she exhales, it's slowly and with determination. She can't look at her mom when she talks, and she does so with an emotionless, monotone. Not because she doesn't feel, but because she feels too deeply.
"This summer...all the sneaking around and the lies...I didn't have a secret girlfriend. I was in a relationship with an older man. And...I thought I loved him. I...but…" She closes her eyes and takes another calming breath.
She tells her everything. And she apologizes for lying. She tells her what she realized and that she knows the severity of the situation. She explains how the realization came to be and how she's been processing it the last few months alone, through journaling and now with friends. She doesn't tell her that she only talked to her friends about it that first time and then now with Fatin. She wants her mom to know she isn't alone. That she'll be okay this time. No downward spiral of depression that had them so worried about her that they assumed she was living in the closet and accidentally outed her. She does tell her about that day at school and how, because of it, she has the best friends anyone could ever ask for. And she knows it's cliche, but part of her really wouldn't change any of it because it did get her to where she is now. She just wishes she had gotten here without the predatory relationship, statutory rape, heartbreak, and months of depression.
Her mom listens to it all, cries with her, holds her and repeats that she loves her and is not disappointed in her.
"My heart is broken that you're hurting, but honey, this doesn't change anything except now...now I feel like I understand. I see you. And you're beautiful and strong and brave and so, so wise and I'm so proud of you."
"How can you be proud?"
"Because you survived. You made it. That bastard didn't take the parts of you that mattered." She holds Leah's face in her hands. "You're not broken, Leah. Not the way you think. You're...what's that song you've been praying on repeat? It goes something like…'the cracks in your skin let the light in.'"
"It's from Icon For Hire. " Leah nods and adds. "There's also...there's a chorus to a song that says…' I will not bend until I break. How much can one bruised body take? Just not enough to silence me. You're only a memory. I'll scream these words 'til they come true. Then I will think no more of you. Look back on what I'm going through. This isn't my identity.' I've sort of been playing it on repeat."
"I've noticed. I actually added them to a Spotify playlist for my workouts. They're good."
Leah laughs at that. Because that was proof nothing has changed between them even if everything has changed around them.
"What are we going to do now?" Leah asks. "I'm not ready to press charges or anything."
"We'll wait for you to be ready. If or when that is. My focus is on you, honey."
"Are you sure that's okay? If I'm not ready."
"It happened to you. No one else gets to tell you how you should react."
Leah swallows the lump in her throat; she doesn't want to cry again because she's scared she'll never stop.
"And Dad? I don't think I can tell him...will you?"
"I will, if you're sure."
"I am."
They sit in silence for a little while. "I want to go to Martha's tomorrow. I want to talk to her. About all of it. You could...you could tell him then."
Her mom nods.
A little while later, Leah texts Fatin telling her that she finished the talk and it went better than expected. She is believed and isn't being forced to do something she isn't ready for. Fatin sends back several emojis, a couple of hugging gifs that made her cry and some memes that made her laugh. She also says she is proud, and that is what matters most. She is exhausted and a bit restless but still sleeps better than she did the last few nights.
The next morning, her mom makes her chocolate chip pancakes (her favorite as a kid, and even now, since she's being honest. Honesty is now her thing). Her dad is on the front porch with his coffee reading the newspaper.
"I was thinking about something...if this was the secret...then...you're not actually gay?" Her mom asks when she sits down to join her for breakfast.
Leah laughs loudly. "I am actually gay. Bisexual, to be exact. I just didn't figure it out until recently." She watches as her mom seems to take it in and then when she smirks and opens her mouth to reply, Leah adds, "Toni still isn't my girlfriend. She's the first friend I ever had. I would probably say my best friend, but Fatin is pretty close too."
"Well, they're both wonderful girls. And that Shelby is quite the looker…"
Leah spits out her chocolate milk. How was it that even her mom knew Shelby wasn't straight?
It was mid-afternoon before she made her way over to Martha's. She didn't bother texting first because she didn't want to say what she needed to say in a text. And she didn't know how else to explain why she was coming over.
Toni is outside shooting hoops when she pulls in the driveway.
"Hey you. What's up?" She asks when she rebounds the ball.
"Came by to talk to you and Martha. Is she here?" Leah greets her with a smile.
"She's got her dance practice. Her performance is coming up soon so she's been dancing as much as she can fit in."
Leah knows that Toni's been staying with Martha ever since the incident. She wonders if Toni ever feels like she's burdening them...which she shouldn't, but knowing Toni, she would think something like that. Like she is simply a guest. She wonders if Toni ever needs a break, but has nowhere else to run away to. Usually, she'd come here for the break from life. If she's already living here, what does she do?
"How long will she be?" Leah asks instead of any of the questions actually on her mind.
"About twenty minutes probably. Maybe longer if she feels like she got stuck on something. She doesn't see how good she is. You're coming right?"
"Of course. We've all been planning on it. Sort of a surprise. I didn't realize it was also a surprise from you."
Toni rolls her eyes. "You all just thought I'd blow the surprise. Let me guess, Rachel remembered the one time I spoiled Santa for them."
"And the tooth fairy. And the Easter Bunny."
Toni rolls her eyes and then anxiously spins the basketball around her finger. "I didn't know I was spoiling it for them. All the kids were talking about the gifts they got from Santa. And I didn't get any...so it was either believe that I wasn't good enough to deserve Santa...or that there wasn't one. I asked my mom and she told me. So I told them. I thought they should know that they were being lied to." She frowns and looks at Leah. "I hate liars. I need consistency and stability."
"That makes sense. I don't think they realized that's why you told them. I guess Nora told Shelby a bunch of stories about all of you and...you should tell them."
"I don't need their pity."
"They're your friends. It won't be pity." She steps closer to her and reaches out to touch her lightly on the hand and Toni lets the ball fall to the ground. "We just want to know you. All of you. And they deserve to see the wonderful parts of you that you always let Martha see and you sometimes let me see."
Toni looks at her with watery eyes and nods.
"Can I...Can I hug you?" Leah asks.
"Yes...please." Toni sounds so broken and vulnerable that Leah holds on to her for dear life.
"You're always welcome to stay at my house for awhile, if you ever want to." Her eyes light up. "You should stay overnight after your first game...next Friday. It'd be a fun way to celebrate and I've never had a friend stay over before. I mean...planned."
Toni grins at her. "Your first sleepover. This is exciting. Martha will want to bring snacks and Shelby will have all kinds of party games...if she can find a way to even come."
"I was thinking...just us for now. You're the first friend I ever had and this seems special. I think it would be nice...I know Martha's your best friend...but you're mine. Or I'd like you to be. It's just...you have Martha and Fatin has Dot..."
"Martha's my person. It's different. And Dot and Fatin aren't best friends, they're queer platonic soulmates."
Leah raises an eyebrow. "Is that a thing? Is this something else you need to add to the list for my queer education?"
Toni laughs. "They're each other's people, too. Like me and Martha. Family."
"So what I'm hearing is that you have a best friend spot open…"
"I mean...Regan applied this morning…"
Leah laughs at her and shoves her. Hard. And Toni smirks at her.
"I withdraw my application."
Toni rolls her eyes and smiles at her. They sit outside on the ground passing the basketball back and forth and sharing secret for secret as they do.
"I swear! It's true!" Leah laughs when Toni doesn't believe her about the time she got her tongue pierced but was so worried about getting in trouble that she took it out as soon as she got home.
Their laughter calms and they fall into a comfortable silence. That's where Martha finds them.
She's dressed beautifully in her Jingle Dress. Leah thinks she's beautiful. Inside and out. Toni too.
"How was practice?" Leah asks.
"Good. I'm competing with the adults this year instead of teens, so I'm a bit stressed out."
"Please, you're the best one there by a mile." Toni tells her and Martha smiles at her.
"I'm going to change out of this and then will join you in staring at each other or whatever it was you were doing that looked so fun."
"You're not allowed to hang out with Fatin or Dot anymore if they continue to teach you sarcasm!" Toni calls after her as she flips her off and Leah stretches out across the grass and flutters her arms and legs like she's making a snow angel.
"You're weird." Toni says, but she's looking at her with a smile and kind eyes.
"Thank you. I learned to be from my best friend."
"Ha!" Toni yells, but now she's lying in the grass too. Doing the same thing.
"You're weird." Martha tells them five minutes later when she joins them.
"Leah started it." Toni whines.
Leah laughs and so does Toni.
They talk about nonsense for a while until Leah gains the courage to tell them about her conversation with her mom last night. They are both so proud of her. Martha commends her for her courage and re-iterates that it's okay that she isn't ready for more yet. Toni is holding her hand the whole way through the conversation and she's grateful for the lifeline. The connection. The friend. Her best friend.
"You don't think I'm a coward?" She looks at Martha directly.
"Of course not."
"You don't blame me for letting it happen?"
Toni squeezes her hand and Leah realizes she caught on to what she is up to.
"No! It's him. He did this." Martha says forcefully.
"You don't think I'm broken or unlovable?"
"Leah...come on, you're one of my favorite people. You're amazing." Martha tells her earnestly.
Leah lets the silence linger. "That is absolutely how Toni and I and all our friends feel about you. All of it."
Martha's eyes widen and then her chin starts to quiver and then she's crying as she's smiling.
"I...I get it. I heard it that time." Martha admits. "How can it be different for me than it is for you?"
"Exactly." Leah tells her. "When I was in my own head and on a downward spiral...I was thinking all these horrible things and then I remembered what you said. And how you felt...and I remember how wrong I thought it was...when you blamed yourself. And that's when I knew. You helped me and didn't even know it. Maybe you weren't strong enough for the others...but you were strong enough for me."
"Hug?" Toni asks with tears in her eyes as well.
They share a group hug and Leah feels Toni's lips brush against her ear as she whispers a very quiet, "Thank you."
And for all the times the last two days that people told her they were proud of her, this is the most proud she's ever felt. Because she can see it in Martha's eyes. The lightness. The relief. The healing. And she knows she helped with that. Just as Martha helped her.