Chapter 9

Kate Beckett awoke to the sound of an alarm beeping and grumbled before smacking it off. Even though there was only one day a week she needed to get up with an alarm, it still annoyed her. The more she healed, the better she slept, but still: alarms were never pleasant.

Her morning wake up time was twenty after seven, which was downright sleeping in compared to being woken up at all hours of the night due to the discovery of a dead body. This time provided her with a little over an hour and a half to do the morning stretches and movement exercises she had been given by her physical therapist, go for a little walk around the back yard to keep herself moving, eat breakfast, and get dressed so she was ready for her nine o'clock therapy appointment with Dr. Burke.

This appointment would only be her third with the therapist and the first one hardly counted since they spent most of the time just going over where she was at physically with her recovery and what goals she had for her time in therapy. Since she'd looked online before her first appointment to see what things were regularly discussed, she actually did have a goal list at the ready when he asked the question, but that did not make it feel less daunting. Actually, it felt nearly insurmountable, but Dr. Burke continued to reminder that it took her years to get to that point and that didn't mean it would take her years to get past it, but it certainly would take longer than a few weeks.

At that point, the only person who knew she was doing therapy was her father. As she needed the bedroom to herself for an hour for her sessions, she felt it was only right to tell him what was going on. The only thing she wasn't entirely truthful with him was about why she was doing them. She told him she was doing the therapy to work through the trauma of her shooting and what happened with the case that led to it. That wasn't untrue, but she also had some deeper issues that she wanted to work through.

Just before nine, Kate closed and locked the bedroom door then sat on the rug at the foot of her bed with her back leaning against the bedframe. She pulled her cardigan tightly around her and then dialed in to Dr. Burke's office, where she was connected to the therapist's office line. As they exchanged pleasantries, Kate put her phone on speaker mode, so she didn't have to hold it to her ear for fifty-five minutes.

"Last week we talked about some of the things you want to work through with regards to your relationship with Captain Montgomery and the death of your mother, but when we first spoke you mentioned some personal improvements you'd like to make as well. Can you tell me about those?" Dr Burke asked.

"Well," Kate began twisting at one of the buttons on her cardigan with her right hand, "I…I tend to be rather closed-off. I don't let people in, and I'd like to change that."

"'Let people in.' How would you define that?"

She struggled for a moment to put her thoughts into words. "Share…share my emotions with them, I guess. I…I think now I can put on a front and pretend that I'm feeling one way when I'm really not."

"So, you want someone you feel comfortable being authentic and honest with?"

"Yes."

"Have you ever felt that way with anyone?"

Feeling disappointment heavily in her chest she confessed, "No, not really."

"Who would you say you're closest with right now?"

Kate chewed on the inside of her bottom lip. "How do you mean? Like a best friend?"

"Sure."

"Well, probably Lanie. Or Castle."

"Castle—the partner you worked on Montgomery's case with?"

And the person she was kind of-sort of living with, but she hadn't told Burke that, yet. She just said she was staying with a family friend. "Yes."

"Okay the let's do a little exercise. Let's say you're introducing Castle to someone new—how would you describe him?"

"He's my partner."

Burke hummed. "So, then you regard him the same as you do Detectives Ryan or Esposito?"

"Well, no." While there were many similarities to her working relationships with Ryan or Esposito such as their camaraderie and the implicit trust she had with them in the field. Things with them were…different. Due to the time they'd been working together, she did feel she was closer with Espo than with Ryan, but despite that Espo was not her first call when things came up with her mother's case—or with anything else serious. That person was always Castle.

"Because you have more of a friendship with Castle?"

"Yes."

"And what level of friendship is that? Let's say on a scale of one to ten. One being someone you just met today and ten being you never feel compelled to lie or hide anything from that person."

Kate considered for several moments. She was very open with Castle—arguably the most open she'd ever been with a person of the opposite sex. Yet, there were definitely things she kept from him, like how she felt about some of the things surrounding her mother's case. And of course she never would have spoken to him about her relationship with Josh or any other man. That would have been…extremely weird. "Ah…I guess maybe around a seven. Maybe seven and a half."

"And where would you put Lanie?"

"Around the same—seven."

"And would you like to get to a ten with either of them?"

Her heart fluttered a bit in her ribcage as she admitted, "Yes, with—with Castle."

"Okay then let's flip the scenario here. Same scale, but this time answer how you think Castle views your friendship with him."

Unable to help herself from chuckling lightly she said, "Oh, probably like a nine."

Sounding surprised, Burke asked, "Really? What makes you say that?"

"He's just…he's more of a heart-on-his-sleeve person. He…" She paused for a moment, thinking through the more serious conversations she'd had with Castle over their three-year partnership. Did she think he had told her every single thing about himself? Of course not, but he did tell her a lot. When he was having problems or disagreement with his mother or daughter he usually told her about them. He also talked some about his past and growing up without a father. Plus, it was the way he talked about those things—with such confidence. Her skin prickled as she thought back to the night they shared in a Los Angeles hotel room, which really had barely been more than a month before, but now, after everything that happened, felt more like a lifetime ago.

"Remember Kate: you get out of therapy what you put into it."

Kate fought the urge to grumble at the reminder, "I know I…it's just hard."

"Take your time."

Kate sucked in a deep breath and recalled the real reason she thought Castle acted so much more open with her than she did with him. "He, um, he told me that he loved me. When I was shot. He…he was hovering over me and he…"

"What were his exact words?"

She squeezed her hands tightly together and shut her eyes, recalling the moment in her mind's eye. "I love you, Kate."

"And how did that make you feel?"

Kate's eyes popped open and she rubbed her fingers beneath them to collect any moisture that threatened to fall. "Terrified, confused…"

"Terrified. Okay. On a scale of one to ten, ten being the most scared you've ever been, how did you feel?"

"Fifteen," she immediately, only half joking.

"Really?"

"Ah, no…I guess nine."

"What is more scary?"

"Bullet to the heart," she said wryly. Had she not been shot in the chest moments earlier, though, Castle telling her that he loved her so abruptly might have been the scariest thing she'd ever experienced.

"Fair enough but suffice to say very scary."

"Yes."

"Can you tell me some reasons why you feel so afraid of what he said?"

Kate leaned her head back against the headboard. His question was the exact thing she was trying to answer herself for the prior few weeks, but she had been struggling; hence the decision to begin therapy. "Because I… I don't know how I feel about him. I'm confused and knowing how-how strongly he feels makes me feel pressured."

"Pressured for what?"

"To…I don't know. Love him back, I guess."

"But you don't feel that you do."

"I…I don't know," she said honestly as she lowered her gaze to her lap. Genuinely, she didn't. When they were together in LA and she'd felt the burn in his gaze as he looked at her, there had been a brief moment where she had felt she was in love with him, but almost immediately thereafter she'd felt confusion. Was the feeling love or just strong physical attraction? Was it love or just genuine appreciation for having someone like him in her life? And why did her feelings for him feel so different than the ones she had for Josh when she and Castle had never even kissed (well, not really…)?

"I…he's. I've never felt about anyone else the way I feel about him," she admitted finally.

"And what are those feelings in words?"

"Attraction, admiration, frustration, care, joy…hope."

"When you say attraction, you mean physical, sexual?"

"Yes."

"Have you two ever been intimate?"

"No."

"Why? Has it come up?"

"Not exactly." They had certainly shared more than a few steamy gazes over the years, but aside from their ruse of a kiss while undercover, nothing remotely sexual had happened or almost happened between them. "I…I suppose that's another example of me holding myself at arm's length. I never would have let myself get that close."

"Why?"

Thinking of what it would be like to have Castle gather her in his arms and kiss her—really kiss her like he had in that alley behind the warehouse, but without the fear of Ryan and Espo's safety looming overhead—warmth flooded through her chest and swirled down into her belly. "The ease of it, I think. I've never been with something where everything just seems to click and… that's what people say, right? That you meet someone, and everything clicks and that's how you know you're supposed to be together, but that doesn't mean…what if he…I could get hurt. He could."

"You're afraid of being hurt?" Burke asked.

"Isn't everyone?"

"But what is your specific fear?"

"Heartbreak. The pain. The ache. The emptiness." Kate shut her eyes on that still hollow place inside her that was labeled "Mom." It still affected her even a decade later and she wondered just how many hollow places she could experience before breaking altogether.

"You've felt that before?"

"Yes," she said, her voice a little thick. "When my mother died. I never wanted to feel it again but…I know now that if I don't risk it, I might not get the benefits of a relationship either."

"And what specifically are those that you're looking for in a relationship?"

"Happiness. Comfort. Feeling safe and supported," she said, surprising herself a little with those answers, for she had not been a hundred percent sure what she was looking for specifically before that conversation with Burke.

Kate could hear a pen scratching across a paper just before Burke said, "That's good, Kate. Really good. This is an excellent place for us to work from."

Sitting in his office, Castle continued to read through the notes Black Pawn sent him on the final chapters of Heat Rises. All things considered they weren't bad; he just needed to make a few tweaks and approve their edits. Then the book would be off to publication. Of course, Gina had already warned him that due to the pandemic situation the publication process would be delayed, but that didn't bother him too much. He certainly didn't need anyone put in an uncomfortable or unsafe situation just so his books could sell faster.

In her email, Gina had also asked him about what would be Nikki Heat #4, the next book in the series and final under his current contract. As he intended for that book to pick up more or less where this one had left off, he did have an idea of where Nikki and Rook would be when it began, but he did need to think of the large case to weave through the novel as a whole, but he didn't need to rush. There was still plenty of time for him to work that out before Black Pawn wanted to see a rough outline.

A few minutes later, his review was interrupted by a knock on his office door and a soft, "Hey Castle."

His gaze shot up immediately at the sound of Kate's voice. She had so rarely initiated contact with him over the prior few weeks that he was delighted to see her standing in his doorway looking as lovely as ever. "Hey—what's up?" he responded, trying to sound casual.

Her fingers fidgeted, her left index fingernail picking at that of her right thumb. "My dad said something about you having a box of those surgical masks–could I have one please?"

"Of course; they're in a box on the kitchen counter above the wine fridge I believe."

"Great thanks."

Before she could back out of the office he asked, "Going somewhere?"

A light laugh escaped her lips. "Oh, not really. I was going to talk a walk down to the water since I haven't been out there yet, and I wanted to be extra cautious in case there are others on the beach."

Castle nodded. As the virus was still quite new, not a whole lot was known about its transmission other than it seemed to be airborne from person to person and it was recommended that anyone venturing out in public wear a mask, whether that be of the surgical kind or, since those were in short supply, a homemade cloth one. It was said that transmission outside was less likely but considering how vulnerable Kate still was they were all trying to be extra cautious and wear masks any time they had leave the home or yard.

"I can go with you…unless you don't want me to," he added a bit hesitantly. As far as he was aware, walking out to the water would be the furthest Kate walked since her recovery began. Since she'd started her physical therapy two weeks earlier, he could tell she was getting stronger. The color had returned to her skin and the hollows in her cheeks looked less sunken. He'd also seen her walking in the back yard in the morning, but her pace was always very slow, and she took occasional breaks to sit on one of the wooden chairs. While the distance from his house to the water was probably equivalent to what she walked in the back yard in the mornings, the trek was more difficult since there was a sand dune that needed traversed and, in general, walking on sand was more difficult than grass. It wasn't that he thought she couldn't do it, he would have just felt better if someone went with her.

"Oh, um, if you want." She shrugged and added, "It'll be a quick walk."

He stood from his seat and nodded. "Then I'll come. I should stretch my legs. I've been sitting for a whole twenty minutes."

She chuckled and they made their way to the kitchen together. Castle grabbed the disposable mask he'd been using from where it hung from the ear loop on one of the kitchen cabinet handles while Kate grabbed a fresh one from the box. Then, they made their way out of the back door. Castle waited for Kate to descend the stairs and then followed her across the yard to the path across the sand dune. It was lined with slats of wood but could still be challenging to traverse. Luckily, Kate had no problem.

"So is walking part of your physical therapy?" Castle asked as they began making their way down to the sand.

"Yeah, I just have to take it slow. I can't get my heart rate elevated above a certain number. That number will keep getting higher the better I do, but I'm just taking it one day a time."

"As well you should," he said. Then, reaching out to give her shoulder a squeeze he said, "For the record: I think you're doing great."

She looked at him and he could tell she was smiling even though her mouth was covered. "Thanks, Castle."

In just a few minutes they reached the water's edge. Kate skimmed the toes of her right foot in the water but jumped back presumably at how chilly it felt. She walked back and forth across the smooth area where the sand met the water. Then, she turned to face him and ask, "Is the beach usually this empty?"

"Yeah. We're pretty far down from the public beach area. Sometimes there will be people that set up chairs or blankets here, but mostly people are only in this area if one of the nearby houses is having a party or something."

"Probably won't be much of that this year," Kate pointed out.

Castle shrugged. He didn't have high hopes for his fellow Hamptonites following the strict lockdown rules if they really wanted to have some sort of shindig. Memorial Day had passed relatively uneventfully, but he was worried for the Forth of July, especially if the stay-at-home order was extended again.

They chatted for a few more minutes about his house, how long he'd owned it, and how well he knew the neighbors before Kate said she was ready to return to the house. "You know," he said as they walked, "If you ever want to sit out here on the sand and read, I'd be happy to bring a chair and umbrella out here for you."

"Thanks, I'll keep that in mi—oh!" she gasped when her foot slid out from under her on her first step onto the sand dune. Luckily, Castle was right behind her and put his hands on her hips to prevent her from falling back any further. She thanked him and then was able to navigate over the rest of the dune and into the back yard on her own. Once on the grass they both removed their masks and parted ways at the deck with her saying, "Thanks for walking with me."

"Anytime," he replied, hoping that one day soon she'd take him up on the offer.