Musky.

Of the earth.

Trees, willow branches, dry grass.

He smells like heaven, as we lay together.

It is five in the morning, and I lay here next to him, to really take in and appreciate his masculine qualities, of his earthy, sweet smelling taste.

And as I write this, I feel so much.

I'm so in love.

It's so easy to say it, because I feel it all the time.

Of his maleness, his kindness, his truth, and his light. The light that canvases our whole life togther, and our memories together.

Todd is my everything.

And soon, we will be leaving for our second honeymoon, leaving our two beautiful children with my sister Hollyhock, for a perfect trip to Naples.

I got a few surprises for him; mainly, the whole thing about purchasing a theater, and starting that whole business together. I'm so excited for it all, and I have the whole trip planned.

Ever since that day, about a week ago, though, I've been having nightmares,.

That Saturday night we fooled around, and I basically... spilled out my secret sexual desires to Todd.

He took it with grace, and afterwards, we joked and talked. I don't think that he's disgusted by it. But, still, we haven't even discussed it once.

I'm really feeling anxious about it.

Anyway, I talked to Jill about theater, about the business of it all, the logistics and the investment-the time, the energy, the capital we needed to put in. She warned me to not to put too much on our plates, and to take time to breathe and toss leftovers into the garbage at certain times, and not let rotting food sit too long just for the sake of saving money-to keep your plate clear of debris so as to to not be blinded by what you could lose.

She mainly was using metaphors and puns, but I got what she was saying.

She and Cuddlywhiskers had something special, too, and she was happy that her lurid love affair with him had happened since she learned a lot about herself, about show business, and how that act in her play called Life was the most important part of her story, and that she was hoping our next act wouldn't be caught up in shambles of decaying ruins because we had higher than normal expectations.

She said to Absolutely make sure to get insurance on the theater. She also meant decaying ruins as your business, and the physical aspect of the building.

So, all in all, good advice.

Before I try to go back to sleep, and get up with Todd to get ready for our flight, I have to write out my nightmare.

I feel this dread, and even as Todd and I have been better than ever, I feel it anyway. I'm sure that is what effects my dreams, too. My anxiety and my fears.

It is the same dream, for the last two nights: it starts outside.

I feel out of breath, and I'm running.

I'm not sure why I'm running, but I am.

Todd is silently watching me, and calls out for me to come over to him.

I stop for a moment and acknowledge his request, but as I go over to him, he just keeps getting far away for me.

I almost get close enough to take his hand a couple of times, but instead, he's even farther away than before.

All of sudden, we are in our bedroom, and Todd is destroying the first painting I bought for him. The Blue Rider.

The first painting we ever really looked at togther, and bonded over.

Then, we are outside again, by our pool.

He's breaking up with me.

I'm literally shaking, and sobbing, and he sardonically turns away, and scoffs at my pain.

I find myself breaking into a million pieces, and I feel his disgust with me, at my age, my own strange desires with him, and my whole persona.

He rejects it all.

He rejects me.

I finally wake up, as I am now, and its five twenty in the morning right now.

And I feel like I'm dead, full of mud and broken into nothing, and I literally try my hardest to quiet my tears as Todd sleeps next to me, the dread lingering in my whole body. Like a weight. Dead weight in his life, and my heart feels irregular and my breath is gone.

He grabs me suddenly, and now I need to stop writing

It's a bit of bliss,

As he holds me tight.