After several days of peaceful slumber, Koza had once again found herself unable to fall asleep. This time, though, was much different than the last ones. This time she wasn't filled with guilt or horror over Sozin's actions against the Air Nomads, or even against the world in general. This time her chest was pounding like a drum to thoughts of fear and shame, terrible realizations that were so powerful and overbearing that they consumed every ounce of her being. Because Koza had uncovered a filthy, twisted secret about herself; one that she didn't even realize she had been hiding until she was on the roof, watching the stars.
She was in love with Huvanni.
It felt like treason to even think of those words. Feeling romantic feelings towards an enemy of the State? That was bad enough as it was. But for them to both be girls... That was treachery in its own right.
One of the very first laws Fire Lord Sozin passed when he rose to power was banning any and all same-sex relationships within the walls of the Fire Nation. "It is evil and wrong to love another man as you would your wife, and it goes against the very fabric of Nature," or something along those lines had been his excuse. Since then, had anyone been caught in such a heinous relationship, they'd be lucky to just be exiled from the Fire Nation. Koza had heard many stories of two romantically-involved men or women being thrown in the infamous Boiling Rock Prison for the rest of time without even a slimmer of hope of seeing the outside world again. The punishment fit the crime, everyone always said.
A lifetime punishment over a forbidden love... It sounded like the kind of story elderly women gathered to discuss at a book club. It almost felt appropriate in an ambivalent sort of way; Koza had been so stressed about being caught hiding an Air Bender from the Fire Lord, and now... Now the Spirits were just mocking her. Falling in love with the girl she swore to protect, to care for until she could escape enemy territory? What kind of a sick joke was this?
What did she even know about love in the first place? It wasn't like Koza had ever actually been in a relationship before to know what it felt like. Perhaps this wasn't infatuation at all, rather... She had just grown very fond of Huvanni as a friend. Yes, that was it! Koza had never had a close friend before, and now that her and Huvanni had grown tightly together, she was mistaking her feelings towards the Air Bender as romantic. That was clearly the explanation here. There was no way, absolutely no way that Koza would ever have feelings for another girl. It was disgusting and wrong, and Koza would never be someone like that.
She spent the early morning hours repeating those words to herself, trying to ease her stress by assuring herself that she was simply confused. That she wasn't in love with Huvanni, or any girl for that matter. That she wasn't any more of a disappointment to her culture than she already was.
Koza's eyes were heavy by the time sunlight was streaming into her room and despite her reassurances against herself, she felt completely sick to her stomach.
"Ms. Koza? Are you awake?" Uvi's gentle voice broke through the swirling demons in Koza's brain. She sat up from her bed quickly; her hands were shaking.
"Yes, Uvi." She replied hollowly.
"Are you alright, Koza? You look unwell." Uvi asked, stepping inside the room. Koza didn't reply, instead choosing to stare blankly at the back wall. Uvi crouched besides the bed and placed a cool hand against Koza's forehead. "Oh dear, you're absolutely burning up. More so than usual, anyway," Uvi muttered. "I suppose this is what was ailing you last night. I'm afraid I won't allow you to go to school today, Ms Koza, you need to rest and break off this fever. Why don't I make you some porridge, that'll fix you up in no time."
"That's okay, Uvi. I'm not very hungry." Koza croaked, finally finding her voice. It wasn't a lie, either; she was afraid that even the scent of food would cause her to vomit. Uvi frowned.
"Ms. Koza, you didn't eat dinner last night. You must eat something if you want to get better," she urged. "I'll bring up a small portion. Just try to eat as much as you can, alright?"
"...Alright." Koza finally gave in. Uvi's boisterous smile returned as quickly as it had disappeared.
"Good girl. Now just rest, I'll be back in a few minutes. Oh, it's such bad luck to have fallen ill on the day the Master is set to return. Hopefully you'll be better by tonight." Uvi said, more to herself than to Koza.
"Uvi?" Koza asked just as Uvi was about to leave the room, still staring straight ahead.
"Yes?" Uvi turned back around, waiting expectantly.
"How do you know if you're in love?" Uvi looked physically taken aback by the question.
"Pardon? That's a rather unusual question for the morning, don't you think?" Uvi chuckled lightly. The joke was met with silence. "Well... I suppose there isn't really a straight answer, unfortunately. Love is... very complicated, I'll say at the very least. And everyone experiences it differently, so that just makes it more difficult.
"But I think the key idea is that the person brings you nothing but joy. You trust them and would do anything to protect them or be there for them, because you know they'd do the same. That you're happiest when you're with them, you never want to leave their side and be with them for the rest of your life... I'd say that's love." Koza compared Uvi's words to how she felt about Huvanni and her chest grew heavy.
"Why do you ask? Is there a certain someone you've got your eye on?" Uvi teased gently, smiling brightly. Koza didn't meet her gaze.
"I... guess there is."
"You don't sound all that happy about it."
"Because I'm not," Koza admitted. "I've never felt this way about before. About anyone. It's so... so confusing."
"Yes, first loves can be scary." Uvi said wisely, sitting down at the foot of the bed. Koza resisted the urge to clamber into the comfort of her arms like a scared child. "It's overwhelming sometimes to realize you have strong feelings for another. You can feel vulnerable and helpless, which I'm more than certain you're not all that happy about."
"What should I do about it?"
"Well, you can either try to move past your feelings and go on about your normal life, or you can tell the person how you feel about them."
"I can't do that," Koza said with such vigor it surprised both of them. "There's no way. It would ruin everything, there's just no way Hu- He would like me in that way."
Though she had been thinking it the whole night, saying the words out loud made her feel depressed. Koza was positive Huvanni didn't have the same feelings. They were friends, nothing more. Confessing such a vile secret, it would no doubt drive Huvanni away. Send her flying away somewhere Koza couldn't find her. The thought made her want to cry.
"That's part of the risk, isn't it?" Uvi gently rubbed her shoulder. "If you don't tell him, then you both carry on as usual. But you'll never get the chance to become something more. If you do tell him, of course there's the obvious chance of being rejected. But there's always the possibility that your feelings will be returned."
"How do I know if I'll be rejected or not?" Koza's voice quivered.
"You don't. If you're willing to take that chance, you just have to make a leap of faith." Koza took in the words for a moment, relaying the conversation in her mind. The advice was practical, of course, but could she ever get herself to put it into practice?
"I should get that porridge going now. You need your energy for when the Master comes home." Uvi said, patting her legs and standing up.
"Uvi?" Koza asked as she crossed the room. "Did you ever make a leap of faith? Er, I mean confess to someone before?"
"Once. Long, long ago." Uvi replied with a far-off smile that told the story of decades before. She left without another word.
As soon as Uvi was out the door, tears began spilling down Koza's cheeks. The week of anxiety, stress, and terror now combined with her new romantic feelings had proved to be just too much for one person to bear. She cried and cried until there were no more tears in her eyes left to shed. Releasing all the built-up emotions did make her feel better, but not by much. She was still struggling to get her shaking breaths under control when someone knocked on her door.
"Morning, disease spreader." Huvanni said. She was holding a bowl of steaming rice porridge as well as what looked to be a wet towel. "I- Whoa, are you crying? Koza, what's wrong?" Her joking voice changed to one of concern at the blink of an eye. She set the bowl down onto the floor and sped over.
"Don't get close, I don't want you to get sick, either." Koza mumbled, wiping away her tears as if that would make any difference now.
"That's not important right now. What is important is are you okay?" Huvanni asked. Koza couldn't even bring herself to look at her.
"No, I'm really not. But I don't really want to talk about it right now. If that's alright with you."
"Of course, you don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. But I'm here if you need." Huvanni said softly. Using the most gentle hand, she wiped away Koza's tears. She recoiled slightly at Huvanni's touch. "Koza?"
"I-I'm sorry. It's just too hard. I-I can't..." She could barely even form words for what she wanted to say. What did she want to say? ...She wanted to tell her how much she meant to her. How she couldn't bear the thought of being without her. Every horrible thought that ran through her head, she wanted to say in that moment. But instead, her voice failed her.
"You're clearly under a lot of distress, Koza. Look, why don't I take off from school today and stay with you? I don't want you to be alone like this." Huvanni suggested.
"You don't have to do that. You should go, you might get in trouble if you don't. Please." Koza urged. She didn't need to look at Huvanni to know the face she was making.
"If you want me to, then I'll go. Are you sure you'll be okay on your own?"
"Uvi will be here." Koza reminded her.
"Yeah, but... Can we at least talk about this tonight? I want to be there for you, even for a little bit."
"That's the issue..." Koza mumbled under her breath, before nodding her head.
"I'll... see you tonight then, I guess." Huvanni frowned. She squeezed Koza's hand and held it for a moment. Koza resisted the urge to let more tears fall at the gesture; why did Huvanni have to make this more difficult than it already was?
"Here, Uvi told me to bring this up to you. Feel better, Koza." Huvanni grabbed the bowl from off the floor and handed it to Koza, as well as going out of her way to place a cold cloth on her head. The smell of the porridge flooded her nostrils, luckily not making her sick like she had originally thought.
"Thank you." Koza barely whispered. By the time she looked up, Huvanni had already gone. Damnit, damnit, damnit! What was wrong with her? Huvanni just wanted to be there for her, and Koza couldn't even let her do that. Why did she insist on always being such a good person? Always wanting to put Koza's needs before her own, or putting herself in danger for the sake of herself. The obvious answer would be because that was how she was raised, but... was there even the tiniest possibility that... No, no Koza refused to even put the thought into her head. They both were taking far too many risks as is. To actually form a relationship with each other, right under the noses of her entire family? It just wouldn't work.
Koza began to slowly work on the porridge, the warm taste of the rice providing a much-needed comfort. It felt as if she was experiencing the nostalgia of a non-existent better time with every spoonful, memories that didn't belong to her flashing within her mind as she actually managed to finish off the entire bowl. There were no more tears left, but the warmth that rose within her from the meal made her want to cry again. Koza never remembered breakfast feeling so melancholy.
She didn't remember falling asleep at all, but when Koza's eyes blinked open again, the bright sunlight from that morning had withdrawn to the back corners of her room. It must be close to the evening now, she realized with a start. She got out of bed, her nightwear feeling hot and sticky against her skin. It was a lucky thing she had managed to finish off the porridge, as the now-empty bowl was laying completely upside down on her sheets.
She picked up the bowl and wondered if Huvanni and Ojin had gotten home yet. If it was close to evening, they should be heading back soon. And Huvanni would want to talk about what had happened that morning… Was Koza ready to tell her yet? Voices from below interrupted her wistful thoughts. There were multiple people talking, although Koza couldn't understand the specific words being said from in her room.
Curious, Koza quickly and sloppily put her hair up and crept out of her room- the bowl still clutched in both of her hands- and stood near the staircase, listening.
"More colonies? Don't we have enough territory already?" Fulay's typical exasperated drawl became clear enough to make out.
"You're not thinking of the possibilities. More territory in the Earth Kingdom means more resources to send back to the Capital. With Earthen materials, we can create better ships and armor." A deep and serious voice answered Fulay. Koza's eyes widened, and through her surprise, the bowl slipped out of her fingers and onto the floor, shattering at the impact.
Though she hadn't heard that voice in a very long time, she still recognized it instantly. It was the voice that she always sought after in her childhood, the voice that she always longed to hear praising her accomplishments or any sort of acknowledgment of who she was.
Shio Kan had returned home much earlier than expected.
Koza was so overwhelmed with shock that the shattering of the bowl hadn't even registered until a clamor of footsteps began heading straight towards her hiding spot. Koza had no time to flee back to the safety of her room when Fulay moved to the foot of the stairs to look upwards, joined immediately after by a large man. A man who looked so much like Koza, down to eye color and facial structure, it made her feel sick. She stared down at her double, daring him to say even a single word.
"Oh, Koza, look at what you did! That bowl was imported clay!" Fulay whined, all too quick to spot the bits of shattered pottery surrounding her feet. She looked between her husband and her daughter frantically, waiting for someone to justify her fit.
"Koza. You're awake." Shio stated the obvious, not acknowledging his wife's temper tantrum. Koza could've bowled over and laughed right then and there; so he did remember her name. She wasn't sure he would.
"Yes," She responded, her flaming eyes meeting his own. "Why didn't you come upstairs?"
"Uvi said you weren't feeling well. I didn't want to bother you." Cheap excuse.
"You've been away for over a month, I don't think I would've minded."
"It's not like I'm leaving again tonight." Shio grunted in reply, staring right back at her without so much as a single blink. The battle of wills would have lasted well into the night, but was prematurely interrupted by the opening of the front door.
"Father!" Ojin cried joyfully, practically throwing his bag away from him and running into Shio's arms. Shio embraced him tightly, rustling his son's black hair.
"And there's my Ojin. Work hard at school today?" Shio was all smiles now.
"Of course. Sifu says that I've nearly mastered Fire Bending as a whole." Ojin said proudly, his arms wrapped so tightly around Shio's midsection that it looked like he was trying to squeeze his father in half. Nevertheless, even a strong young man like Ojin was having trouble holding onto Shio's tight muscle.
"That's what I like to hear. Well done, Ojin. You're going to be a powerful man some day, I'm completely sure of it." Shio said. Ojin was grinning like never before, a joy he only ever expressed on the rare visits from his father. Even Fulay, who had subsequently forgotten about the broken bowl, was all smiles. Koza watched the three of them mingle together, completely forgotten.
"Oh, Father, there's someone I'd like you to meet. This is Huvanni." Ojin broke free from his father's grip just long enough to motion to the door. Adjusting herself to see the other side of the staircase, Koza could see Huvanni standing rather awkwardly in the doorway, waiting for someone to give her permission to move.
"Ah, so this is Huvanni. I've heard a lot about you, young lady." Shio said. He approached her and held out his hand, which she hesitantly shook. "Daughter of an Earth Nobel, yes?" Huvanni nodded. "Well, I'm honored to have you as our guest. I'm sure you've had a long day, however. Feel free to freshen up, then we can all have dinner. I have much I'd like to discuss with you."
Koza turned away before she could hear anything else. Shio Kan only just met Huvanni, and yet he treated her with more respect and dignity than he had ever given his own daughter. This really was how her family was; this was how it always had been and always will be. Fulay, Ojin, and especially Shio Kan; they just didn't like her. As unfair and brutal as the truth was there was nothing that could be done about. And yet here she was, fighting back another fit of tears because Daddy didn't give her as much attention as everyone else.
No matter how much she was hurt by them all, she always came crawling back. Why? Was it because they were the only family she had? Was it because she knew there would never be anything better? And why, why did they hate her so? Koza had done nothing but everything to make her family proud- get top of her grade, nearly drown herself in extra classes and activities, and this was the thanks she gets. Treating her like she didn't even matter.
Koza didn't even realize she had failed to make it into her room until a familiar hand grasped her shoulder. Koza stood against the wall, her feet completely stuck to the floor.
"What?" The question came out a bit more harsh than she had intended.
"Remember this morning when you said we could talk later? Well, it's later." Huvanni said with a bit of a matter-of-fact tone. Koza's grievances about Huvanni were momentarily forgotten in the face of her Father's return, and she was able to actually look at the girl this time.
"You really just don't give up, do you?" Koza sighed. Huvanni smiled cheekily at her.
"When it comes to someone I care about? Not really. Now come on, tell Auntie Vanni what's wrong with you." The two girls slumped to the floor, leaning against the wall. Huvanni waited expectantly while Koza gathered her thoughts together. How would she even say something like this? "I'm not entirely sure, but I'm mostly certain that I'm in love with you, and I know that we could literally be killed for that but it'd be nice if we formed a relationship together." Yeah, like that would go down well.
"So?" Huvanni encouraged after a minute.
"It's… it's hard to say out loud." Koza swallowed.
"You can do it. You can tell me anything." Huvanni said. Koza wished she wouldn't look at her with those ashen eyes. Spirits, why did she have to be so pretty?! Koza didn't deserve to be with someone like Huvanni. She deserved to live a happy life with someone equally as kind and funny, not some Fire Bender who couldn't even get her own brother to like her. Ugh, why was this so difficult? Just get it over with, say it!
"It's my Dad." Koza blurted out. Huvanni tilted her head somewhat like a confused polar bear-dog.
"Your Dad?"
"Yeah. I was thinking about his visit this morning, and I got really upset," Koza bantered on before she could stop herself. "You know I don't have the best relationship with my parents, and… things were hard enough with just Mother and Ojin in the house, but adding Father… Now we have three people in the house who don't want me around."
"I'm sure that's not true. Your family just might now show affection in a traditional way." Huvanni spoke.
"Really? Did you not see how they were acting just a second ago?"
"Yeah, that's a little hard to support, huh?" Huvanni smiled sympathetically. "I'm sorry. It's probably really tough having to live with a family like that. I never knew my biological parents, but the Nuns treated each and every one of us like their own children. I couldn't even imagine them treating any of us like your family treats you."
"It's not a lot of fun, I'll say that much."
"Well… They're really missing out, because you're pretty great. It's a loss on their part, and nothing else." Huvanni playfully bumped her shoulder against Koza's. "And hey, you still got me and Uvi. We're not a bunch of stuck-up prudes, either, so there's that benefit." For the first time that day, Koza smiled.
"Thanks, Vanni."
"Anytime. I'm gonna go splash some water in my face. You should get dressed and come eat with us, if you're feeling better. It was sad not being able to sit with you this morning." Koza's heart twinged.
"Right. I am actually feeling a lot better. I'll meet you downstairs." She said. Huvanni grinned and stood up, heading into the bathroom. Koza remained on the floor, listening to the clutter of voices from downstairs. Uvi's words from that morning flashed into her mind: "If you're willing to take that chance, you just have to make a leap of faith."
Koza stood up and walked into her room, changing out of her nightwear into the black dress she kept around for formal occasions and heading downstairs. It would seem that a leap of faith would have to wait for another day.