Chapter 18.
When they got back to the bunker, they went to the kitchen. Jack and Mary were there, finishing their lunch. Dean wasn't sure why he was less troubled by Jack's presence than Castiel's, but Cas had thought it was because of his diminished grace. The nephilim was close to human and maybe that made him seem less of a threat. Then again, maybe it was because Michael had hated the friendship between him and Castiel and maybe most of the loathing was borrowed from him, which was a nasty thought. He wanted nothing of Michael's left behind in his head.
"I wondered where you were." said his mother. She looked at both of them, but her eyes lingered longest on him. He hated that.
Everyone looked at him with either concern or suspicion. Some, clearly thought that Michael could come back, or hadn't fully gone. He wished he could be sure that wasn't true, but he explored the dark corners of his mind and found nothing there that disturbed him. Well, nothing angelic, anyway.
"We went for a drive." said Sam.
"Sarah gave us some pie." said Dean, flashing a boyish grin and hoping she wouldn't see how fake his joy was.
His mother gave him a look he knew well. She wanted to ask questions, but she wasn't going to, in case doing so caused more pain. "How are you now, Jack?" he said.
"I'm fine." said Jack, "I'm great."
"Good. That's good."
He wandered out of the kitchen and into the library, almost walking into Cas in the doorway. He raised a defensive hand between them as if fending off an attack. Seeing the look in his friend's eyes, he lowered the hand and said, "Sorry. A little on edge, right now."
"I probably shouldn't stand so near the door." said Cas. Even his reasonable response was irritating, partly because everything he said or did irritated Dean or some remnant of Michael and partly because it reminded Dean how unfair he was being.
Jules came over from the nearest table. "Hi, Dean. I haven't had much chance to talk to you since you got back. I wondered if I could buy you a drink tonight? It'd be good to catch up."
It was a way to escape the others in the bunker and although she no doubt wanted to discuss Cas, at least he wouldn't be there with them. However, he had no intention of causing more ill-feeling between himself and Cas. "If Cas has no objections." he said, "And I'm not saying you belong to him or anything archaic like that, it's just I wouldn't want him to think I'm making a move on his girl."
"Why would I think that?" said Cas, "What's wrong with two hunters having a drink together?"
Jules smiled at him. "Proud to say, my Cas doesn't have a jealous thought in his head. Of course, it will mean I won't be around tonight until later. You're okay with that?"
"If you're not okay with it, it's not happening." said Dean, looking directly at Cas for the first time.
"I think it's a good idea." said Cas, "And I'll never be jealous that my best friend likes my betrothed. It would be awkward if you hated each other. It's awkward enough that you hate me."
"I don't hate you." said Dean, knowing his face, tone and stance were loudly declaring that he did.
"Sorry." said Cas, "I know you don't really hate me."
"Quit apologising!"
"Sorry."
Cas looked miserable and Dean's guilt stoked his anger until he wanted to hurl abuse at his friend until there was nothing left between them but rage. He stepped back, consciously trying to control his feelings.
"No, I'm sorry." he said, vaguely aware that Sam had entered the room behind him and was watching him with some concern. "I'm gonna ... " He nodded to the doorway and then went through it, heading for his room.
"Dean?" said Sam behind him.
Dean stopped and turned. "Maybe I shouldn't be around him. He keeps apologising and it just makes me wanna punch him. Maybe I need to get over this on my own."
"You think you can?" said Sam.
"You don't?"
"I think you were right to keep him around and you were right to talk to me in the limited way that you did."
"I think maybe it was worse because I didn't know he was there. I felt ambushed." He lowered his voice to a whisper. "Sam, everything feels like that now."
He half expected a joke at his expense, but Sam just nodded and said, "I know, like you're on high alert all the time and you have no idea why."
"That's exactly it."
"Loud noises, sudden movements, anything touching you without warning ... "
"Yeah."
"You're even uneasy talking to me, because I might put a hand on your shoulder or step too close and right now, same zip code is too close."
"I hate that I feel this way and I hate even more that it applies to you." said Dean, "I should take off. I should go to one of the cabins and just get my head back together."
"If that's what you need, we can arrange that, but I think you should sleep on it. You're all shook up and not thinking clearly. Go to your room. Watch a movie. Watch three. Then go have a drink with Jules and talk about hunting for a few hours."
"You think she wants to discuss hunting?" said Dean, doubtfully.
"I think you can pick your subject. Jules is pretty easy to talk to."
"Sam, tell me the truth, do I seem like me?"
"Don't you feel like you?"
"No, not much. What if there's still something from Michael? What if I just think I'm free?"
"I'm sure Cas would have noticed when he searched your mind." said Sam.
"Yeah, I guess so. So the other possibility is that he left me so damaged that I'm useless."
"You'll never be that."
"Well, I wouldn't trust me on a hunt right now."
"No? I would. Best for you to get some rest, but if a hunt came up and you were interested, I'd be glad to have you with me."
"Then you're dumber than you look and with that hair ... "
"You've lost confidence, not competence."
"You mean I'm chicken." said Dean.
"I mean you need to give yourself a minute."
"You have all this stuff since Lucifer."
"Yes." said Sam.
"And you overcame it. You overcome it every day."
"Dean ... "
"You never took a day off. You never took an hour."
"That's not how I remember it." said Sam, "You need some peace." He turned to go, then turned back and said, "Do me a favour, give yourself the same consideration you'd show me."