16th of October 1995
Gwen was sitting quietly in the dining room, having a cup of coffee, and reading the newspaper. It was Monday morning, and Tonks was on her mission, so Gwen asked Remus to accompany her to the Diagon Alley. She had to visit Gringotts, and while they're there, she intended to do some shopping. She wasn't forbidden from leaving the house, but Snape insisted she doesn't leave the house alone. Not wanting to argue with him, Gwen agreed, and Remus agreed to escort her. She was waiting him to wake up, so they could go. But Sirius was the one who woke up first, and entered the dining room with his robes open, only in his training trousers.
"Morning sunshine," he said cheerfully, and stretched while he walked into the kitchen.
"Morning. Slept well, I presume," Gwen took a glance of Sirius when he turned his back, not giving him the obvious attention.
"In fact, I did," he yelled from the kitchen, while he was making himself some coffee too. He noticed eggs, sausages, warm bread, and a few tomatoes waiting for him on a plate. "This for me?"
"Yes, and the other plate is for Remus," Gwen said, flipping the pages of the newspapers. "You haven't told me you went to Camden! It says here in the Prophet that you were spotted buying purple wigs in Camden."
"Oh, I haven't told you? I decided to join the circus. Then I got there and figured that I already live in one. Shapeshifters, seers, werewolves, you see what I mean?" he teased her, as he placed his breakfast an coffee on the table, and sat on his usual chair.
"Remus awake?" Gwen asked, ignoring Sirius' joke.
"Yes, he's taking a shower. He seems a bit blue. I'm sure I heard that soft, depressing blues music from his room," Sirius said, as he started cutting his meal, and eating. Gwen chuckled.
"He misses her, that's so cute," Gwen squealed, and Sirius laughed under his breath at her.
"But I don't think they'll get together any time soon," Sirius sighed.
"Why so? They fancy each other, and Remus is totally in love!"
"Yes, but… I know Moony. He needs time. Believe me, no matter how direct she is with him, he'll be reserved. He is all cheery around her, but he's still one insecure git," Sirius explained, and was right.
"Well, I don't see that anyone is hurrying anything here, so I don't think there is a reason to worry. Plus, I mean what do we have to do for the whole days in here anyway? We can just think about the ways to make them both admit their feelings," Gwen concluded, and closed the newspapers, now looking at Sirius. "I'll try to cheer him up today. And if everything fails, I'll buy him a bunch of those chocolates Tonks always brings him."
Sirius laughed at her idea, but remained silent, and continued with his breakfast. Remus joined soon after, looking rather good. He wasn't pale at all, and he walked straight, not slouching even for a bit.
"Morning," he said, and went to get his tea, and breakfast. He sat in his usual spot, across from Gwen, and to Sirius' right. He was quite hungry, so he started eating immediately.
"Morning, Moony," Gwen said calmly. "You eat, and we're out, right?"
"Mhm," Remus murmured while chewing.
"It's not fair! Everyone can leave, except me," Sirius pouted sadly. He really was sad to know that he'll be alone here. Of course, there is Buckbeak, but that's nothing compared to Gwen and Remus, or Tonks.
"We'll bring you something," Gwen said, and smiled at him sadly. She knew how eager Sirius was to leave this house. He was locked up for so long, that all he wanted was freedom. Nothing more, and nothing less. Just pure freedom.
"That makes it only slightly better. It's still terrible being here alone," Sirius sighed.
"I reckon we won't be out for that long," Remus said between his bites.
"Well, we'll see," Gwen said, and stood up, heading to her room.
"Not fair, I would really love to go. I could go as Snuffles! Come on, Moony, if you're on my side, she'll cave sooner or later," Sirius was persistent, but Remus couldn't be coaxed into this idea.
"I know, Padfoot, but it's too dangerous for now. We can't risk you getting caught. Kingsley is doing a really hard work in not having you outed," Remus said, not lifting his look from the plate. Sirius grunted with displeasure. He hated when he was wrong, or denied like that.
"Fine, I'll stay here alone. The Order's housekeeper, and the biggest fool," he scoffed.
"You can't guilt trip me," Remus sighed. "And I think you could hardly guilt trip Gwen."
"Humph," Sirius grunted again, not saying anything. He gave up easily because he didn't see the point in saying anything else. They continued their breakfast in peace, joking about various things. Gwen joined them, and after Remus ate his breakfast, and drank his tea, they stood up to leave. Gwen was now standing in the hallway in her faux fur black coat, with her hair braided in a braid that rounded her face, and swirled in the back of her head. She chose to wear high heeled boots which made her lean figure look even leaner. Remus took out his best coat, the one he usually wore when he had an important meeting. Yet he felt like a beggar next to Gwen. Sirius looked at them, and almost burst into laughter. They were so different that they even looked suspicious. If the Death Eaters see them, they will be recognised for sure.
"You sure your attire is all right?" he said with a scoff.
"Yes, because even if someone does see me, they won't do anything. And besides, Sev thinks it's better for them to see me from time to time. That way I'm not all that suspicious," Gwen said, smiling softly at Sirius. Her face was covered in make up, and Sirius couldn't gather his thoughts because he was stunned with how beautiful she looked. Like she is a delicate flower, a princess in need of protection. Since he couldn't accompany her, Sirius was happy that Remus could.
"Right, then…" he stood nervously at the entrance. Remus made a step, and opened the door to let Gwen go first. She did, and they now stood on the first step of Grimmauld Place's porch.
"Oh… wait a second…" Gwen stormed into the house again. Sirius was just walking down the hallway with his hands in his pockets, his long hair hanging from his lowered head.
"Gwen, did you forget something?" he turned, and looked at her surprised. She ran a bit to be right in front of him, and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
"I'll be back soon, cheer up a bit, will you?" Gwen said before she left the house again. Remus waited for her on the first step, looking at her suspiciously.
"Walk or apparition?" he asked her.
"Walk, I could really use a walk," she said, and hooked her arm on the inside of Remus' elbow. They walked like that, discussing the places they've both been to. Gwen really liked Paris, even though it held the hardest memory for her. Remus, however, didn't like it that much. All the love motives in the city made him melancholic too much, and that's why he left it after only a couple of weeks. He just couldn't bear being reminded about something he'll never have.
"It's funny how you say that, and again, I'm sure some fair lady would be happy to have a boyfriend like you," Gwen commented, and Remus felt his cheeks turning red. He wasn't used to getting compliments, and certainly not from a woman hanging from his arm.
"Hardly doubt that, Gwen," he said flatly, trying to remain calm.
"You do, but I don't. In fact, I'm 100 percent sure there is at least one lady interested in you," Gwen teased, wanting to see his reaction. Of course, his thoughts were focused on Tonks, and Tonks only. However, he was confused by Gwen's words.
"I wouldn't be on your place. Only if Molly is thinking about leaving Arthur for me," he laughed under his breath. "She is often friendly towards me."
"Mhm, and I'm sure you firstly thought of Molly Weasley," Gwen muttered under her breath, but Remus understood her. However, he pretended not to.
"I'm sorry?"
"Nothing, nothing," Gwen said. "I'm just sure you could get a girl if you wanted to, you know?"
"Gwen, I appreciate your effort of trying to make me feel better, but I made my peace with being alone, and I hardly doubt anyone would like to be with a poor, middle-aged werewolf." Remus sighed sadly because he couldn't make himself forget Tonks.
"Well, when you put it that way it doesn't sound that good, but if you put your good qualities first… That's what I'm talking about," Gwen shook her head.
"No point in polishing the truth, Gwen. I wouldn't feel comfortable with that, either way," he said matter-of-factly, and looked at her.
"Right, right," Gwen sighed in defeat. It was obvious Remus wouldn't say anything, so why bother? "So, after Gringotts we'll stop by some shops. Do you need anything, perhaps?"
"No… No, I don't," that was a lie, but Remus didn't have the money to spend it on trinkets now, even though he would love to get a few books, and a pair of better robes for the winter.
Gwen was quick with her Gringotts visit. The bank was barely empty, and she didn't like the looks Goblins gave her. Remus felt even more uncomfortable, because they looked at him with disgusted faces. Both of them wanted to leave the building, as soon as possible.
"Well, that was so fun that I in fact think we should never do it again," Gwen commented laughing, as they left the building.
"They looked at both of us like we were their mortal enemies. Usually, they only look at me like that. So, thank you!" Remus joked, sharing a laugh
"Yes, well… they had to count, and list everything at my father's, and my family's vault multiple times because of me not wanting to claim the inheritance. I think they were just preparing to claim it for themselves, when I came in, and ruined their pay day," Gwen said sounding amused.
"Well, you at least have a catchy story. They hate me because I guess they sense it, you know," he sighed.
"I'm sorry to say that, but you're right. They indeed do sense…" she stopped to look around herself.
"Don't say it, we both know what you mean," Remus interrupted her.
"All right, well, yes… Goblins can sense that quite easily. You see, they have an intense smell sense, and you smell differently to them," she said firmly.
"How do you know that? I've never read something similar to that," Remus was confused.
"Well, my mother, of course," Gwen smiled at him, and entered Flourish and Blotts. Remus followed her, but once they were in the store they parted ways. Remus went to look for some defensive magic books for Harry's teaching group. He thought those would be quite useful to him, but he didn't have any money to buy them. And he didn't talk to Sirius about that, and Sirius never mentioned it. Remus was still uncomfortable talking about his money problems with Sirius because Sirius had so much, and couldn't spend it even if he wanted to, and Remus couldn't even gather the money he needed for his basic living needs. He was now focused on the book, not noticing Gwen lurking behind him.
"Wow, if I knew you needed books about defensive magic, maybe I would've waited for Tonks," Gwen teased him, even though she guessed why was he looking at those.
"Oh, ha-ha," Remus faked a sarcastic laugh. "I was thinking about Harry, and his group… He is particularly gifted with defensive spells, and offensive ones too. However, I really think he could use some guidance. I was thin…"
"Remus, give me the book," Gwen said, but he didn't listen to her. "Fine."
She got one of the copies of the same book Remus read.
"Gwen…"
"What? I haven't bought him anything for his… birthday?" Gwen tried to turn the situation from being uncomfortable for Remus to being at least bit funny.
"Yes, but…"
"No buts… Besides, if you ever mentioned this to Padfoot, I guess he would tell us to do this. So, don't make such a drama out of me buying a one bloody book," Gwen said resolutely, and turned to give what she picked to the witch at the registry. Remus looked at her, and didn't know what to say. She really was a true Ravenclaw, always creative with the answers, and the plans.
They left the bookshop, and strolled down the street, watching through the shop windows. Remus stood in front of the second hand robes store, and looked at the robe on a mannequin. Gwen was, however, looking at some brand new ones in the shop across. But, she noticed how Remus looked at prices of pieces presented in the window. His fists clenched in his pockets, because he knew he wouldn't be able to afford something like this in the next few months. And with his stakeouts with Tonks, he would really need a better coat. Gwen reached Remus.
"You sure you don't need anything?" Gwen asked him, giving him the chance to say what's on his mind.
"No, no… I don't," Remus was a bit embarrassed to admit what was bothering him.
"Hm… You fancy those robes?" she asked him, pointing to the brown robes he looked through the window.
"Well, I do, but I can't buy them," Remus smiled weakly. "It's not important, Gwen, really."
"Humph," Gwen grunted displeased with Remus lying to her. Although, she did understand he was embarrassed, and Sirius told her he'll never ask for help. The plan made itself in her head. "Well, then let's head to the apothecary to get my supplies, and I need some new quills and ink. In fact, we all do since there isn't any in the house."
"Oh… right," Remus murmured.
"I stole the last one you had, don't worry you're getting a new one too," Gwen said smiling at him. They did the rest of the shopping chatting about various topics. Even though Remus liked talking to Sirius, getting away from the house was something completely different. And he was feeling better with being out, and joke with a person he considered a friend. In this short time, Gwen really proved to be a great friend, and Remus was grateful for her help, and for having her around.
"I'll meet Sev there," she pointed her finger at the meeting place. "Want to wait with me, or you're heading home?"
"Wait, wait, wait… Snape is coming here?" Remus asked confused, he expected to get back home with Gwen, just like they left.
"Yes, well… I need something from Hogwarts, and he agreed to accompany me. I would've asked you, but I know how bad you feel about leaving that place, and I didn't want…" "Don't explain yourself, Gwen, it's fine. You didn't tell this to Sirius?" Remus asked because he was really interested in hearing Gwen's reasoning.
"I didn't, but I will explain everything later. And, now I can deliver the book to Harry without it being seen by Umbridge," Gwen said boldly. "Two flies, one hit!"
"You really thought it through," Remus smirked. "I'll wait with you, of course. And give me everything you've bought, I'll bring it to Grimmaulds."
Gwen handed him her bags, even though he already carried some of them anyway.
"Thank you, Remus," she smiled at him, and Remus was in fact glad to hear Sirius didn't know about Gwen's meeting with Snape. He could see his honest reaction this way, and mock Sirius into admitting his feeling finally. Remus decided to remind him every day with something simple. "Oh, here's Sev."
Snape approached them with his snarky face expression, looking like his usual self.
"Hello, Gwen, Lupin," he greeted them. Remus nodded in acknowledgment.
"I'll see you later Gwen. Severus," Remus said his goodbye, and headed to the Grimmaulds.
"Shall we?" Snape asked.
"One more thing, and then we can go wherever you want," Gwen smiled.
"I really doubt that," Snape murmured under his breath, and Gwen didn't hear that comment. She, however, went back to the second hand robes store, and bought the robes Remus was watching. He wouldn't admit it ever, and he really needed better robes. She already made a plan of giving them to him, giving him a few months to pay her back, because she expected his protests.
"You're now shopping for Lupin?" Snape noticed.
"In fact, yes. It's called being a good friend, Sev," Gwen brushed him off.
"I am a good friend when I want to be," Snape scoffed at her.
"Can't argue with that," Gwen said, and hooked herself on Snape's arm.
"Ready?" he asked her.
"Yes," she squeezed his upper arm, and he apparated them right on the top of the Astronomy tower.
Remus got home shortly after he parted ways with Gwen. He was now really interested in Sirius reaction when he hears that Gwen left with Snape. He left Gwen's bags in the dining room, and found Sirius in Buckbeak's room.
"Hey… I'm back," Remus greeted him from the door.
"Hi… wait, what do you mean you're back? Where is Gwen?" Sirius asked, frowning.
"Oh, she had a meeting with Snape. Didn't she mention that earlier?" Remus said with a stone cold face. Sirius flinched with the news. He didn't like them. He surely didn't like them.
"No, she didn't," he gritted through his teeth.
"Oh, is that jealousy I hear in your voice?" Remus asked mockingly.
"No, I have no reason to be jealous of Snivellus," Sirius scoffed at Remus.
"Oh sure… Except he is with the woman you fancy right now, while you're here."
"Well, I can't be anywhere else, even if I wanted to, could I?" Sirius gritted his teeth again.
"Ahh… So you're still in denial? You say I'm stubborn, and what not, but I at least admit to myself what I feel, no matter how wrong itis," Remus said, stuffed his hands into his pockets, and left Sirius alone. A bit of shock therapy. Maybe just what he needs.
Remus got into his room, taking his robes off. Today he was on prophecy night duty, since Tonks wasn't there, and Hestia had a day off. He took one of the stacked books from his table, and laid on his stomach across the bed. He didn't manage to read two pages, when he noticed a jack rabbit patronus jumping outside, entering his room, and now jumping in front of him. Tonks.
"This is such a drag. I have a surprise for you, though. Can't wait to be back, see you soon!"
Her voice filled the room, and Remus' soul too. He was instantly overwhelmed, with a strange sensation in his chest. It was true he was gloomy lately, but as soon as he heard her voice he felt much better. Like he was somehow recharged. The jack rabbit disappeared with a really quiet poof, and Remus smiled, looking at the place it last stood. He thought about what is he supposed to do now. Should he send her a message too? He couldn't send her his corporeal patronus, because she would definitely hate him, but he could send the non-corporeal one. Or maybe he should remain silent? Remus chose not to make the same mistake as he did the last time, so he waved his wand and conjured non-corporeal patronus.
"Hmm… find Nymphadora Tonks, and tell her that now I'm really interested in a surprise she has, and that I'll see her soon," he moved his wand, and the patronus was sent. The feeling of embarrassment slowly took over his thoughts, as he was thinking about his awful patronus, and how Tonks will now think of him as incapable of producing one. Oh well, just another few things with which he could disappoint her. He guessed it's better that way, and focused again on the book in front of him. But his thought's became too much, and the room started to feel like it's suffocating him. Remus thoughts were somewhere between denying Tonks' opinion meant that much to him, and self-loathing. He got up quickly, and looked over the room. There are so many things to break in there. Remus knew he needed to remain calm, so he decided to take a shower. A cold one.
In Buckbeak's room, Sirius sat on the floor, leaned on Buckbeak's wing. He had a couple of game dice in his hand, and he played with them lost in his thoughts. He felt depressed oftenly, and really only needed to get out of this house. In the house, he felt like his mother was strangling him all the time, only sometimes she would loosen up the grip around his neck. He never wanted to get back here, and now it became a new prison of his. Only this time, he had Remus and Gwen here full-time, and Tonks occasionally slept over. He thought about taking a walk through Hyde Park, and not as a dog. Breathing the fresh air, feeling the smell of grass, and rain. Nothing he could do inside of this house could ever make him feel that fulfilled, and that was a cruel fact he lived every day.
Sometimes he felt like he was losing his mind, even more than when he was in Azkaban. In Azkaban, he knew he was losing his mind, so he could focus on trying not to lose it completely. Here, he should be better. He should feel better. But the sadness in him grew bigger with every day. The anniversary of James' and Lily's death was so close now, and the feeling was getting heavier and heavier. It was like that every year, but since Harry found out the truth, Sirius felt the obligation to protect him again. And that made him even more tense, and anxious. The fact he can't do anything really to help Harry annoyed him to the point of breaking.
He rolled the dice, and they showed two sixes. The biggest score. He scoffed at it, because nothing in his life was a score really. He lost most of the things he loved, and so much death, and betrayal left a wound that kept pinching. But it pinched less when she was here… Sirius hated Remus mocking him about Gwen, because he never thought about her in the way Remus was implying. But since he mentioned it, he gave it a thought, and noticed he really feels less miserable when she is around. Sharing a glass of firewhiskey with her, talking about hers, or his favourite things, memories, or thoughts they had. He liked how natural he felt when he was with her. With Remus, he tried to act more like Sirius Remus knew. But sometimes, he wasn't all fun and jokes. And Gwen saw right though that. Remus did too, but he decided to not ask, because he doubted Sirius wants to talk about it. Both of them gave each other space in that way, and Sirius knew he could always talk to Remus. But when it came to this, he didn't really want to. Not because he didn't trust him, but because he didn't want Remus to feel bad because of him.
But Gwen was now with Snape. Somewhere. Alone, probably. He noticed they are suspiciously close, even closer he thought at the beginning. At the last meeting, he noticed them leaving the room together, hand in hand. Well, not really hand in hand, but Sirius saw it like that. Gwen was holding Severus hand as he led them out of the room. Sirius couldn't deny feeling possessive. Why does he touch her like that? He shouldn't even look at her. He is snarky, and scummy, and she is everything opposite. And he saw how occasionally Snape would put his hand on the small of Gwen's back, if she was in front of him. Those things made Sirius feel like he would punch Snape right in the face, without even regretting it. However, it seemed Gwen didn't mind, so it's not all Snape's fault, really. And the next thought that came was that Gwen indeed likes Snape, and it made him feel sick. Not because of Snape, but because of the thought of Gwen with him. Was that really just jealousy?
He rolled the dice again, getting two ones. Great, almost nothing. That's what he felt like. Like almost nothing. He was still here, feeling, but he was useless. His birthday was close too, and somehow he didn't want to remind anybody about it, but he still wanted people to remember. Sirius was sure Remus will remember it for sure, but he didn't expect any present, though. Whatever happened, the 3rd of November became the anniversary of Lily's and James' funeral, not his birthday. He didn't feel like cheering, or anything. He felt guilty he was still alive, and they weren't. He felt wrong. And to celebrate on that day would make him feel even more wrong.
However, Sirius couldn't deny he was hoping to at least get some birthday treats from Gwen. He really did like her cooking, and he enjoyed spending time with her learning how to cook. At first, Gwen didn't let him join her while she was preparing food, because he would usually do something to, or with it, that wasn't supposed to be done. Sirius was sure Kreacher almost died from a stroke when he caught him cooking just the other day. It wasn't something he ever thought he would do, and really like to do. Gwen agreed on teaching him hwo to make some simple things, and her only condition was that he doesn't ask too many questions. And Sirius wasn't the one to keep silent, usually, but he liked listening to Gwen's instructions carefully. He liked watching her making potions, too. She was so focused while doing so, that she wouldn't even notice him looking at her from the doorstep. He was less socially anxious than before, but he would still feel too insecure to start a conversation sometimes, or to maintain one to be pleasant.
Sirius thought about what would he be doing now, if they really captured Peter that night. He would be a free man. He could do whatever he would want to. And he instantly thought about Gwen, walking in the Hyde park with him, eating too sweet cotton candy, and smiling at him. Last time he had thoughts like this, was when he decided to be with Marlene for real. And that scared him. The relationship he had with Marlene was shorter than a time they chased each other. He wanted to goof around, and wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship. But shortly after they finished Hogwarts, and when the war started, on the Led Zeppelin concert they attended, he asked Marlene if he wants to be his girlfriend. James and Remus mocked him about being so formal, but Sirius had his reasons. He wanted to prove himself to Marlene. He wanted to prove her he really wants to be with her, and only her.
They got together occassionally before that. She was the first girl he ever slept with, and he was her first, too. Sirius often remembered how flustered both of them were, and how they avoided each other for weeks after that. When Lily, and Remus finally sat them down together to discuss what was going on, they agreed on not starting a serious relationship. He wasn't into that, and at that time he was much more interested in motorcycles, or making even bigger mischief than ever. They were in their sixth year when that happened, and in his seventh year, Sirius became a player. He managed to get only in casual relationships, nothing serious, ever. Marlene and him hooked up a few times, only to fulfil their sexual tensions and urges. Sometimes, Sirius felt like they tested their relationship. If they felt something during those nights, they would wordlessly agree to respect their previous agreement. And since they did every time, their agreement went on.
A year after they left Hogwarts, and after Sirius had a long run of casual relationships, living his best bachelor life, watching James and Lily together, made him think about Marlene. They got married in Spring of 1979, and on the day of their wedding, James told Sirius some things that made him think about Marlene even more. It took him a couple of months to gather up the courage to ask her if she still wants to try something real with him. It was around three years since they firstly got together, and they started a real relationship. Sirius was surprised how much that kind of relationship actually made him feel. With Marlene, he felt relaxed, and soon enough she became someone who really could make his days better even without doing something special.
They eventually moved in together in Sirius' house he bought with his uncle's inheritance. He liked living with her because she wasn't complicated, and she was very neat, so she oftenly cleaned around. He didn't really do anything, and wasn't even feeling like he was supposed to do something. They almost never fought. And even if they did, it wasn't something meaningful. The only exception was when they talked about the war. Marlene was afraid for her family, and Sirius felt like she is being overdramatic. The sad truth was that Marlene was indeed right to be scared, and Sirius was just being too confident, and hot-headed to see that.
In the beginning of 1981 they broke up. Marlene became too anxious, and tense because of the raging war, Potters were already into hiding, Sirius started to doubt everything and everyone, so their relationship fell apart in all that. Sirius broke it off as soon as he noticed the big things changing, like he wanted to be alone more than to be with her. Or how she wasn't caring with him anymore, denying him of the soft touches, and cuddles he got used to. They agreed to remain friends, since they were friends long before their relationship, and for much longer than they were romantically involved. After Dorcas was murdered, Marlene went into hiding, and Sirius was one of the few persons she kept contact with.
Marlene, and her entire family, were murdered a few days before Harry's first birthday. Because of that, Sirius became even more paranoid. He started to doubt Remus even harder, and Remus was on his werewolf assignment. Then he didn't remember it, but now when he tumbled down his memories, he remembered how Marlene used to tell him not to be so rash, and doubtful. People often told him he was too rash, and even James liked to point that out. James, out of all people.
Suddenly, Sirius thought about what would James and Lily think about Gwen. James would like her quirkiness, for sure. Lily would most probably love her. Lily was as cynical as Gwen, and she loved cooking, so they would really have a lot to talk about. And both of them had a strange connection with Snape. Sirius always thought Snape was in love with Lily, and was right, even though that was never proven to him. How funny is it that now he thinks about Snape being in love with Gwen, and feeling his heart tightening in his chest?
Sirius sighed hard, and thrown his head backwards. Maybe Remus was right. Maybe he liked Gwen a bit too… Much? He could never not notice how pretty she is. Almost unbelievably pretty. Her hair was always so shiny, and bouncy. Her eyes sparkled even when she read the most boring book in the house. She would pursue her lips while she was concentrating hard on something, and he found that really interesting because people always told him he did that too. Gwen was closed person, not really comfortable with talking about something intimate, but when she did, she spoke clearly, and without hesitation. When she talked about things she was passionate about, she would involve all of herself into the story. For instance, when they talked about her love for Muggle cars, and his love about Muggle motorcycles, they didn't even notice Remus leaving the conversation he was never really a part of.
Gwen understood him. Sometimes he felt like she was somewhere inside of his mind, waiting for him to think about something, so she could know it right away. He even suspected of her enchanting him sometimes, because she would know exactly how he felt, or why he said what he said. He didn't know it then, but she felt the same way with him. She never had to explain something in details to him. He sometimes thought about some inappropriate things, just to test his theory, and Gwen has always been too calm to really be reading his mind. He couldn't deny he was attracted to her. A few times, he walked in on her taking a shower, accidentally. Even though he didn't see her naked because of the glass divider, he saw the outline of her body, and it made him feel tingles. When he found her knickers that day, he couldn't stop thinking about her in them. His comments, as funny, or goofy as they were, were also half-truth. And she was always smelling so nice, like plums and strawberries, and a bit of mint.
That was the smell he felt on his jacket just the other night. He noticed something different in his room after they found Tonks' and Gwen sleeping drunk in Gwen's bedroom. He didn't bother much, but a few days after he noticed his jacket smelling different. Smelling like Gwen. And the thought of Gwen in his jacket haunted his mind for a bit. He tried to imagine it, but really couldn't. Having a hippie mother made Gwen being hippie-like more than being a punk. She always asked Tonks to bring her flowers to decorate the house, and she always, ALWAYS was bare feet. Sirius couldn't understand that, but he got used to it, so he didn't even notice it anymore.
The thought of her spending time with Snape annoyed him more, and more, every time he thought about it. Maybe they'll take a walk all over the Hogwarts' lands. Or maybe Hogsmeade. The craziest thoughts flew through his mind, and he finally admitted to himself something he thought he never would; he was jealous. He was jealous of Severus Snape.
Meanwhile, Gwen and Snape walked through the Hogwarts corridors to reach his office, where they could talk in private. Gwen sent Snape a message she needs his help with getting into Hogwarts, but didn't really tell why. He was most curious to find out the reason behind her sudden wish to be there. She wanted to tell him right away, but he insisted on waiting until they go to his office. They walked in there in complete silence, and he locked the door. Gwen suddenly remembered all of the nights they worked together there, and she sat on his working table.
"I see you've left your manners at Grimmaulds," Snape commented.
"Don't act like I've never sat on your desk before, Sev," she answered to him with a matter-of-factly face expression.
"I don't have time for your nonsense now. I have a meeting, so will you tell me what do you want here?" Snape was impatient.
"Sorry, didn't want to interrupt your plans. And I'm not really sure how will you feel about what I have to say now," Gwen now stared at the stone floor, a bit scared of Snape's reaction. He rolled his eyes, and sighed.
"I'm listening. I've heard a bunch of questionable things from you this year, so I guess nothing could surprise me anymore," he scoffed at her.
"I need to get to the boathouse. Hagrid stored something there, and I came to collect it," Gwen said, trying to sound confident.
"Mhm," Snape said suspiciously. "And what is that? Is it even yours to collect?"
"It's not, but I will bring it back," Gwen smiled mischievously, trying to ease Snape.
"I know there are a lot of things stored there. And I don't even want to know what you're up to," Snape lost his patience. "Obviously it's something childish, and I can only presume Black has something to do with it."
"Actually, he has. You have a problem with it?" Gwen now pouted a bit, looking stern.
"As a matter of fact, I do. Plenty."
"Well, Sev, listen to me now. He is not a boy you used to know during your time at Hogwarts. Horrible things happened to him, and believe me he did his time thinking about every little thing he did wrong. You don't have to like him, but for God's sake, aren't you a bit too old for quarrelling with him pointlessly?" Gwen spat at Snape, and Snape was surprised with her little performance.
"Oh my… What do we have here. Another of Black charm victims," Snape mocked her.
"What the hell are you talking about now?" Gwen let out a loud breath.
"You're in love with him," Snape said flatly.
"I'm not, and even if I am, it doesn't concern you. If I remember right, right here we made it quite clear that will never happen," Gwen grew angry now. She was frustrated with how protective Snape was with her when it came to her meeting someone who could potentially become her partner. But he never made anything to change her mind about what happened the morning after they got together. "You made your choice, and I made mine. You can't expect me to…"
Gwen suddenly stopped when she realised what she was about to say. That Snape can't expect her not to move on with her life. Because he really did act like he expected just that.
"I don't expect anything from you," he said coldly, and the words pierced Gwen's heart. He really could hurt a person in a few cleverly chosen words.
"You don't? Then why bother with me at all? Why are you so…" Gwen didn't finish her sentence again. Tears filled her eyes now, because she wasn't sure what to think, or feel anymore. Why was Snape so cold, and why does he care? And is she really in love with Sirius? She admitted to herself that there is something in him, but not that she's really in love.
"Gwen, you're pushing it. I advise you to stop right where you are now," he was even colder, but Gwen was now even more angry. She fled from his desk, and was now standing right in front of Snape.
"Then what? Why do you act like you still care in a way… In a way you're not supposed to care for me? I don't understand you at all, Sev," Gwen couldn't hold back her tears anymore. "I wanted you! I really did. But you said what you said, and I can't deal with being a poor replacement for a woman you didn't even have. I deserve better than that! And yet you keep acting like… Like you want me to believe you are trying to change that. Like you want me to think you're trying to put me first. I'm not a toy, Sev, and neither are my feelings."
She was now shaking, and crying out of frustration. Snape stood quietly, looking at her.
"Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I am trying to do something about that?" he asked her, while she was still choking on her tears. She fell silent, and now looked at him.
"No, Sev, don't say it! Don't say it if it isn't the truth," Gwen cried.
"But in a way it is. And sometimes I think I got it right, but then… Then you do something, and I start to doubt everything again. It's torturing. And I don't have time for this, Gwendolyn, I have a…"
"Meeting to attend to? What are you saying they are more important than me?"
"Don't be stupid. You are one of the…"
"And that's the problem. I'm one of the for you. I can't be that. Nothing has changed," Gwen wiped her tears with her sleeve.
"How can you be so sure?" Snape now asked her boldly. The jealousy he felt towards Sirius was present since the day he saw Gwen sitting next to him. Sirius was always the one who got everything he wanted, and Snape was disgusted with the thought he might once want Gwen. And now he saw that the problem was something else. Gwen wanted Sirius. And that made him feel uncomfortable, and it made him think if he really did the right thing when he let her go.
"Are you serious now?" Gwen was surprised by his words, but didn't get the answer she was hoping for. In fact, he didn't get an answer at all. "So?"
Snape remained silent, and looked at her. He had many things to say, but didn't really know how to say them, so he remained quiet. Gwen was frustrated even more by his sudden quietness. When she figured he'll stay quiet, and won't really do anything, she rolled her eyes, stepped in front of him, hung her arms around his neck, and kissed him. He did kiss her back, but it felt different. It felt nothing like it did before. Both of them looked surprised at the other one. It was a brief kiss, totally pointless and meaningless. She didn't feel the spark she felt before, and he didn't feel her like he did before. It was quite the opposite of the kisses they shared two years ago.
"Sorry, but only one way to know this for sure," Gwen took a step back, and crossed her arms.
"You were right. This just proved it," Snape admitted his defeat. No matter how much he wanted to move on, something didn't let him. And he didn't want to do that to Gwen. In a way, he did love her. But the love he felt for her was something else of what she wanted him to feel for her. "And I am sorry. Even if you, for some idiotic reason, are in love with that prick, I'll stay out of your way."
"Sev, no. I don't want you out of my way. Admit it or not, you are my friend, and I am yours. And if I ever do fall in love, I would want you to accept him," Gwen was now as honest as she could be.
"I'll always respect your choice, no matter what you chose," Snape nodded. "But don't expect me to drink tea with Black, because that's not happening."
"Why are you so keen on the idea of me and him?" Gwen asked. Snape did know her best, and maybe he sees something she doesn't.
"I noticed that a while ago, Gwen. You smile differently when you talk to him. You look at him in awe all the time, no matter how stupid his stories are. When you mention him, the corner of your mouth twitches. And, you're in a better mood now when your life is in danger, than you were for the whole time you lived in Hogsmeade. I don't know what you're doing in that house, but I couldn't not notice," Snape told with his steadiest voice, the one he used while teaching. "I just don't want you being one of his conquests. Because you're not one. You're… Priceless."
"Thank you, Sev. See? You are a friend of mine. You care about my well-being," Gwen smiled now.
"Argh, you always make things so hard for me," he scoffed.
"Why? Because I don't see you as an emotionless sod tosser? I'm sorry, Sev, but I think I know best what kind of a human being you are, and you're many things, but you're not emotionless."
"You know, what you just said is true. You do know me the best, ironically," Snape sighed.
"I worked hard for it," Gwen stuck out her tongue. That was another of her habits that annoyed, and amused Snape in the same time. "But honestly, Sev, if it was my way… It would've been you."
Snape remained silent, and took another deep breath. Gwen rushed to hug him goodbye, and he hugged her back softly. She then turned to leave his office, and he stood frozen for a second.
"Gwen," he called her, and she turned around. "If anyone deserves to be someone's first, that's you."
Gwen smiled at him, swung her hair, and left Snape alone in his office.
Gwen got back right before Remus was leaving the house for his duty. She noticed him being even more tense, and couldn't really understand why.
"Hey Moony, leaving aren't you?" Gwen asked him, even though it was obvious.
"Yes. You did all of your errands?" Remus asked her visibly distracted with his thoughts.
"Yes, I did. And Moony, don't be angry with me, but," Gwen took the package with the robes she bought him from her bag, and handed them to him. "Look, you'll pay me back when you'll have the money. It's the robes you looked at that shop. It's colder outside, and I really don't like brewing cold potions. Take them, please."
Remus took the package, and felt embarrassed, but grateful. She instantly mentioned him paying back for it, and he appreciated that.
"I… Thank you. I'll pay you back, for sure," he couldn't deny he needs better robes. And he instantly thought how he will look better in those than in the ones he has, and he somewhat cared what he looked like when he went on missions with Tonks.
"Don't mention it. And pay me back when you'll be able to do so," Gwen smiled warmly at him, feeling relieved he didn't protest even a bit.
He murmured something about Imogen McDougall, and left the house before Gwen managed to ask any more questions. She kicked off her boots in the ground floor hallway, and decided to find Sirius. She had some explanation to do, although, she decided to hide her real reason for visiting Hogwarts for now. When she didn't find Sirius in his room, she instantly went into Buckbeak's room. Sirius was so deep in his thoughts, he didn't even notice her coming in. He tossed the dice over and over again, completely lost. Gwen sat next to him, and that mad him flinch, and notice her.
"I didn't…" he was confused, and surprised so the words were not coming out right.
"I'm sorry. I should've told you I have a meeting with Sev," Gwen said quickly, looking straight into Sirius' grey eyes.
"It's all right. You don't have to explain yourself to me. I mean, who am I, anyway?" he said with a heavy sigh, and lowered his look.
"Don't be ridiculous, hm? If it will make you feel better, the talk I had with Sev really made me feel a bit… A bit like I want to listen to those sad blues songs Remus likes," Gwen said with a weak smile.
"Oh?" Sirius was now curious to find out what they talked about. "Do I have to punch him in his incredibly large nose?"
"No, no," Gwen said flatly. "And I now, for the last time ever, ask you not to insult him, or make fun of him. He is my friend, and he respects me, and I respect him. You don't have to like him, just don't be a prick."
Sirius looked at Gwen, who never sounded more sincere when it came to his, and Snape's mutual hatred. And for the first time, he really felt sorry about his comment. He wanted to take back every insult he used for Snape in front of her.
"All right. I won't," he said shortly, not quite sure why he surrendered like this.
"You know, he told me about the night James saved his life," Gwen's voice was now firm, and determined.
"Well, not my proudest hour. I regret what I did then, trust me. I almost lost both James, and Remus because of what I did then, and I… I wouldn't ever do that again," Sirius said a bit embarrassed. He was regretting what he did, and he oftenly thought about that while he was in Azkaban.
"I'm glad to hear that," Gwen said with a smile on her face.
"Oi, woman, I'm not a child anymore," he smiled a bit more.
"I know you're not. But all of that regret is useless if you don't do the right thing," Gwen now looked at him with an expecting look.
"You want me to apologise to him?" Sirius understood her perfectly.
"You said that, not me," Gwen smiled at Sirius, but he knew what that meant. And as repulsive as the thought was, she was right. He never did apologise to Snape. He did apologise to Remus, James, and even Lily. But he never apologised to Snape. Remus told him to do it a few times, but he never listened. Now, almost twenty years later he felt like it was the most logical thing to do. To apologise to Snape. Gwen sighed sadly, and let her head fall on Sirius' shoulder. He lifted his arm, and hugged her, pulling her closer.
"So, what did you get me? Moony gave me some books, but I highly doubt those are for me," Sirius asked.
"No, they're not. Books are mine. Well, I bought something to you but I've left it downstairs. And I bought a book for Harry. About defensive magic. Moony thought it is a good idea, so I bought it. Figured you'd want us to do that," Gwen said, and sighed.
"I've never thought about giving him books, but you're right. Thank you," he said, and gave her a kiss on a top of her head. It wasn't something he would usually do. But, to be honest, this was the first time Gwen did something like that.
"Yes, well… I saw Harry, too. Only for a minute, though. Enough time to give him the book anyway," Gwen admitted. "And he is fine. He was delighted with the book. Such a good kid, you know? He didn't even ask me anything much, he just wanted to know everything is, and you are all right."
Sirius smiled at Gwen's words. He knew that already, but he liked how Gwen saw that in Harry too. And he felt surprisingly calm, after she admitted she's seen Harry. Like he himself saw him.
"Thank you, Gwen, really," Sirius said quietly.
"Hey, do you know any Imogen MacDougall?" Gwen asked suddenly, not wanting Sirius to get even more down.
"I do. She was our generation in Hogwarts, I think in Hufflepuff. Why?" Sirius was now confused. Gwen snuggled a bit to be in a better position under his arm.
"Well, Moony said he has to meet her," Gwen explained.
"Oh, she became an informant, Kingsley told me. But the more interesting thing is that she had hots for our Moony, too. I know she was so infatuated that James considered lending Lily to Moony just to make her go away."
Gwen laughed at that idea, and Sirius smiled at the memory.
"Hm, tell me more about that, will you? I would love to get my mind a bit distracted," Gwen closed her eyes, and Sirius noticed that. He started rubbing her upper arm in comfort.
"All right. But don't expect anything interesting. How interesting can be a person if her name is Imogen MacDougall, really?"
23rd of October 1995
Tonks was so tired of her field mission, that she was so overwhelmed from breathing now cold London air again. Kingsley and she were the last ones to come back, and he didn't manage to wrap the mission up in expected ten days. Tonks didn't even count on that. But she really needed some relaxing. She and Kingsley got to London in the morning, but Kingsley wanted them to do the full report while everything was still fresh to them. Tonks cried, and protested, but instantly agreed. She was completely aware that wasn't a punishment, yet just the task the second on the mission has to do after it.
It was almost 8 o'clock in the evening when they finally finished their report, and Kingsley gave her the permission to leave. She decided to surprise Gwen, Sirius, and Remus and show up for lunch tomorrow at Grimmaulds. Gwen again took care of her owl while she was away, so she needed to pick it up. And this weekend, she has a lunch with her parents, so she can't attend Gwen's usual Sunday lunch.
Tonks strolled the Diagon Alley happily, feeling relieved she was back in London, and free for the next three days. She decided to stop by at the chocolate shop, to buy some candies for all of them tomorrow. She visited the trinket shop too, and bought herself a pair of black studded biker gloves. After every successful mission, Tonks bought herself a little something. She thought she'll grow out of it, but now it was even more interesting than before. And she would never have that many dresses if she wasn't on all of those missions.
She entered the Leaky Cauldron, and greeted Tom the barkeeper. Everyone knew Tom, she took a glance of the room as she entered it, and didn't notice anyone familiar. However, when she took another look, she noticed a pretty familiar head top. It was Remus. She instantly felt showered with happiness, and she smiled instantly. But, her happiness didn't last that long, as she noticed a woman sitting in front of him. She had dirty blonde hair, looked like she was of average height, and her teeth were a bit too big. She wore a prairie skirt, and it made Tonks flinch. She really hated prairie skirts. She saw this woman somewhere before.
Tonks stood frozen behind the wall that near the entrance of the old bar, and she didn't really know what to do. She was so embarrassed to go and greet him now. And she somehow started hating prairie skirts even more. Tonks took another glance at them, noticing the woman smiling brightly at Remus, as she twirled her hair around her finger. Tonks instantly thought how annoying the woman is. She noticed how the woman stretched her arm to Remus, and decided to leave before she sees something she can't even admit to herself she doesn't really want to see.
She now stood out of the Leaky Cauldron, feeling her heart beating fast. She suddenly remembered that woman. That was Imogen, who worked in the Ministry files room. Kingsley mentioned her a lot because she oftenly did him favours. Tonks felt an undescribable rush of hatred toward the woman, even though she never met her, and couldn't really explain why is she feeling like that. For the first time in her life, Tonks felt jealous of some other girl talking to a boy. A man. A man who she obviously liked.
Tonks apparated to her apartment flustered. She felt so sad suddenly, and confused too. Remus always talked about himself as being non-commital, and yet this Imogen seemed quite interested in him. Tonks couldn't take the image of Remus kissing Imogen out of her head. She became more nervous than before. What if this woman changes Remus' mind, and she becomes his girlfriend? She would join the Order, and Remus would be going on a missions with her. And she wouldn't see him anymore. Tonks let out a dissatisfied moan, as she turned her record player, and put the Pearl Jam's Ten on.
She let herself fall face down on her bed, and cursed the feeling she felt now. She wasn't even sure she liked him before, but from a moment she wished to be in a place of fucking Imogen MacDougall, she realised Gwen really was right. And she didn't really have a type. She had only one person in her mind. Remus Lupin.
Some stories close, another ones open :)
In the next chapter we'll be celebrating Sirius' birthday.
And it will definitely be more of jealous Tonks because I love her like that!
Don't forget to let me know what you think xx