Kind of a roller coaster of emotions in this chapter...i'm not making it easy on these two! But, that's how life is sometimes...
To Ponytail Goddess and Katia0203: OMG love you guys for reviewing EVERY chapter! Seriously, you guys keep me going and on schedule! I love hearing from you and your thoughts give me great ideas and guidance.
It had been 9 months since Lara and Haldir started finding a way forward together. A year and a half since her miscarriage. Lara mused at how things had changed. Her daytime hours were occupied by her job as senior archivist. Toberion was thriving in preschool. Haldir had resumed his duties as marchwarden but was making a conscious effort to be away less. Lara had learned to let go of her old resentments; Haldir was learning to express the depth of his affection for Lara – he was trying anyway. Lara would be perfectly happy living her current life, except she recently (and she was quite sure Haldir felt it too) had the pull to bring another child into their family.
Toby was (finally!) sound asleep in bed, after much cajoling about bedtime. The toys were finally put away. Lunches were finally made. Laundry was finally folded. Lara and Haldir looked at each other. Lara felt a thrill when she saw the look of desire her husband was eyeing her with. She smiled, inviting him into the kitchen where she poured them each a glass of wine.
"How was your day meleth?"she asked casually, sipping her wine.
"Quiet. A good thing. The orc numbers are steadily decreasing. We have not seen peace like this in centuries" Haldir reported, with military precision.
"Hmm, that's to be expected with Sauron's defeat, no?" Lara questioned. Haldir nodded in the affirmative. Lara chuckled inwardly; her husband would never be a charismatic speaker. But he was making an effort to be away less and to tell her how much he cared for her more often. "I saw Issa today, she's had her baby, a daughter…"
Haldir's face remained impassive. "How wonderful. Pass on my congratulations."
"I did" Lara answered. "I've always wanted a daughter. Toby is wonderful, but a daughter is different…" she trailed off wistfully. She studied her husband. When the thought of more children first entered her mind, she had pushed it away harshly, afraid it would open an old wound. As time went on, she thought less about her miscarriage and more of how a daughter would be a loved addition to the family. "Would you want another child Haldir?" she asked cautiously.
Her husband's eyes shone with joy, yet his expression betrayed none of it. "I would not if it would be difficult for you."
Lara thought it a rather cryptic answer. "Are you worried about me?"
"I worry it would bring you sadness. I worry for your health. You seem happy, and that's all I've ever wanted. Of course I desire another child, nothing would make me happier, but the price of your wellbeing is not one I am willing to pay." Perhaps her husband was more eloquent than she thought.
"Hal, if you'd asked me several months ago, I would not even considered it. But now, I think I'm ready to try again" Lara said, hoping Haldir would agree. By the smile that spread on to his face, she gathered he did. The marchwarden gathered her in his strong arms and bestowed upon her the sweetest kiss. As he moved his head away, she reached behind his head and gently pulled him back towards her. The wine glasses lay forgotten as he carried her into their bedroom.
Haldir lay her gently on the bed and began to undress. She waited a little before she did the same, so as to be able to watch him. He was perfectly muscled, his body exuded masculine strength and virility. She loved that he looked bashful when he saw her staring. He moved to help her undo her clothes. Having her husband remove her clothes was one of the most sensual things she had ever experienced, Lara thought. No, what comes next was.
Despite his ferocity on the battlefield, Haldir was a gentle lover. It was no surprise to his wife who knew the kindness of his heart. He brushed away a loose strand of hair that had fallen across her face. "I love you" he whispered, brimming with affection. Lara had no doubt he meant it. "But perhaps before we try conceiving, you should see the healer? Make sure you're well enough to."
Lara smiled, her husband was so selfless. "Alright, let's go tomorrow for I don't want to wait much longer."
Elven children were conceived when both parents wished it and the valars granted it. So tonight, they would make love, conceiving would wait just a little longer. Haldir was kissing her now, making a trail from her mouth down to her navel. Lara parted her legs. And Haldir slowly slid into her, bringing her immeasurable pleasure. Their bodies were joined but so were their souls, it was such a powerful feeling Lara was breathless.
The next day, Lara sat on the examining table fidgeting as she waited for her appointment with the healer. Haldir had come with her and stood stoically. The door swung open and the healer, the same one that had saved her life during her miscarriage walked in.
"My lady Lara, marchwarden. Good to see you under better circumstances. How are you?"
"I'm feeling fine." Lara answered.
"What can I do for you?" the healer prompted.
"Haldir and I would like to try to conceive again. We wanted to know if it would be safe."
The healer nodded understandably. "I will have to examine you. It seems you have recovered otherwise though. Let's have a look."
Lara lay down on the examining table and positioned herself for the exam. Sensing her anxiety, Haldir moved to hold her hand. He seemed calm, stoic as ever. The exam was uncomfortable, far more so than she had anticipated. She squeezed her husband's hand but could still not help but wince and draw in a quick breath. The marchwarden's calloused hands were reassuring and strong, she was glad he was with her. Lara's anxieties rose as the healer's expression changed into a frown. She quickly readied herself after the exam.
"My Lady, marchwarden, I – I'm very sorry. It seems the womb had extensive damage from the miscarriage. It sometimes happens when the child was lost at a late stage of pregnancy…" the healer said. He was having difficulty finding words, which made Lara realize that he was giving her bad news.
"What are you saying" she asked, panicked.
"The womb is very scarred. The chances of conceiving are very slim" the healer finally concluded.
"How slim?" Lara demanded, her voice now rising. Haldir put a reassuring hand on her shoulder but she hardly felt it. She was too upset to receive any of his calming influence.
"My lady, it would be hard to quantify. There is always hope" the healer tried to placate her. She saw through it.
"How slim, you must know to some degree" she insisted.
The healer looked at Haldir, as if seeking permission to tell her the awful truth. She did not need Haldir to protect her. "Tell me" she commanded him.
"My lady, the chances of conceiving now would be almost non existent" the healer finally said. Lara sat back. She tried to say something but could not find the words. She felt as though something was crushing her chest. Tears threatened to fall but she resolved not to allow it. No, she would not cry over something she could not change. She refused to.
Haldir excused the healer and soon they were alone. He moved to stand in front of her and held her hands. At last, Haldir broke the silence. "Meleth, the most important thing is that you're healthy."
Lara stood up abruptly and began to fasten her cloak. "Meleth, if you need a moment…" her husband suggested. No, she did not need a moment. She just wanted to leave the healing telan as soon as possible. She could not stand being there a moment longer. "I'm fine. We got the answers we came for, let's go" she said curtly. He could see through the wall she was putting up, he could feel her pain through their bond.
"Lara…" he tried again.
"Haldir, I just want to leave!" she shouted, before storming out of the room.
Lara's way to cope with the devastating news was the pretend like it didn't happen. To allow herself to think about it would be too painful. It had been a huge mistake, she thought, to revisit this whole idea. She was perfectly happy with her life as it was, and damnit, she was going to prove it to everyone.
The marchwarden's wife began putting in longer hours at the archives, and her career was soaring as a result. Lara had landed several caches of documents recently from various realms, and was now searching for another huge trove of papers from Gondor's library. Toby was becoming more independent every day. Haldir had learned not the broach the subject, after his attempts were harshly shut down. He silently worried for her, feeling her agony through their bond. He knew it was not good for his wife not to process such immense grief, but there was little he could do when she did not want to hear any of it. They had told no one, Lara was adamant. Consequently, there was no one to share their grief with or to console them. Haldir knew the news had hurt Lara deeply, likely more than him. Elves traditionally grieved together, it was part of healing, but Lara abjectly refused it.
Sunday dinners at Rumil and Inaya's had become a tradition. Inaya was always the better cook and she liked to host the whole family. Lara always knew Inaya was better at domestic duties and happily let her have the distinction.
"More wine?" Orophin offered her. It was her fourth (or fifth?) glass, but why not? Lara held out her wine glass as she attempted to ignore the concerned look on her husband's face. The alcohol dulled her senses, and she preferred that to having to feel the emptiness inside her. "How is work anyway?" The youngest of her husband's brothers asked as he poured the wine.
"Good, we're very close to finalizing a deal with Gondor to retrieve and restore some of the documents from their national library. It's a huge trove of priceless materials" she answered. She liked talking about her work. She was proud of what she did. It was a safe topic.
Rumil smiled. "Good for you! You were always the most learned in the family. None of us brothers ever liked reading a book. We were too busy causing a ruckus, indoors and out!" He declared. "You didn't like to study much either, did you Inaya?" he asked his wife.
"Speak for yourself, Rumil!" she teased.
"I've not seen you open a book!" Rumil jested.
"That's because I'm too busy taking care of you and our little ones" she snapped, the smile never leaving her face.
Lara almost dropped her glass when she realized the enormity of what her sister in law had just said. By the silence of the room, she guessed Haldir and Orophin had heard it too. Her eyes roved to Inaya. The elleth was indeed slightly paler than usual, rounder in the face. Lara realized she had noticed Inaya was wearing a loose dress today, hiding a very slight rounding of her abdomen. She was not surprised Inaya hadn't confided in her. There was a time they had been close, but Lara had not seen any of her friends for months, preferring the solitude of the archives. She did not work alone at the archives, but it was a world removed. The elves she worked there with were scholars, their discussions intellectual. So far from the soldiers and their sometimes rough-talk that inhabited her husband's domain.
Inaya blushed deeply. Rumil smiled with pride. "Oh I gave it away. I wanted to wait a little longer, but I'm starting to show. We're having twins!"
Orophin rose from the table and congratulated the couple ("such wonderful news!") Haldir followed, a genuine smile and warm clasp on the shoulder for his brother, kisses on both cheeks for Inaya. Lara took this time to steady herself. Orophin and Haldir had offered their good wishes, now everyone turned to her. She refused to let her grief, jealousy, anger show. She stood up gracefully and kissed Rumil on the cheeks, murmuring her happy wishes. Then she stepped in front of Inaya. The elleth seemed uncertain, she eyed Lara cautiously, silently pleading for Lara's understanding that her happy news was not meant to make Lara upset.
Lara smiled. "I'm so happy for you and Rumil. Congratulations"
Inaya continued to regard her with doe like eyes. "Truly?"
"Of course!" Lara insisted.
A relieved smile broke out. "Oh I'm so relieved! I wasn't sure if it was too soon after what happened But now that I know you're alright, I can properly announce it!" Inaya enthused. The parents to be spent the rest of the evening discussing all things baby, as first-time parents tend to do in their excitement. Lara offered the occasional agreements, making sure to keep a smile on her face. She would not look at Haldir, for she knew he could see her misery. When at long last, they returned home, Lara excused herself and put Toby to bed. Then she cleaned the kitchen and took extra time preparing for bed, hoping Haldir would fall asleep before she came into the bedroom.
No such luck. He was sitting on their bed, patiently waiting for her. A wave of anger washed over her. Couldn't he just let it go?
"It's a wonderful thing, Rumil and Inaya expecting" he ventured.
"Yes, of course it is" Lara agreed, busying herself again tidying up the various open books and papers on the night stand.
"Meleth," he took her hand so she had to meet his gaze. "It's alright to be upset by it. We can talk about it."
Then she really lost it. "How many times do I have to tell you, I don't want to talk about it!" She shouted.
"Lara, I see you suffering. I don't want that for you" Haldir pleaded with her.
"Leave me alone!" she screamed.