Hi, lovely readers! :) Surprise update today because I couldn't finish the chapter for last Sunday.
I must say I struggled a lot with this one. It revolves around the break-up again, just because for some reason that time inspires me the most to write about. I guess I'm a hurt/comfort writer at heart, haha. Although this chapter is all hurt... sorry. ;)
I had the stubborn notion to write in the first person, something I only tried once before in another fandom, because I wanted to show how much nonverbal misunderstandings happened in this scene. But, boy, that's so hard to do! I hope you still like how it turned out...
Let me know what you think...
9x05: "I've been told it's a good way to move on."
Sheldon:
I walked up the stairs with Leonard, contemplating if I should continue the fencing class or not. It was fun, but I didn't care for the way I smelled afterwards. A dried sheen of sweat covered my entire body and it made my skin itch all over. But showering at the university's gym with the guys was out of the question.
We rounded the corner to the third floor and – bam – out of nowhere… there she was.
I froze so abruptly that I almost tripped over my feet. My chest tightened and suddenly I couldn't breathe.
Amy's eyes were wide and round and green. I love the color green. It's also the color of her nice, dark-green cardigan she was wearing. I knew I was staring… but I couldn't look away.
I haven't seen her for such a long time. How long? Only 41 days since our last conversation over Skype when I asked her to become my roommate and she declined. But it felt like so much longer. Seeing her again now, face-to-face, was like seeing in color after being colorblind for years. Everything was so much sharper. Richer. Prettier.
I was overwhelmed by her presence.
Leonard excused himself and so did Bernadette who came down the stairs with Amy. I tried to make him stay. I panicked. I didn't know what to say. Every time I opened my mouth I seem to hurt her. I didn't want to hurt her. But I needed to talk to her. I needed to tell her so much.
I'm sorry. I miss you. You look beautiful. I want to marry you. Please, forgive me. Never leave me again. I love you.
I got very nervous. I couldn't look at her. I couldn't talk to her. My heart was beating fast. I was afraid, but of what exactly?
"How have you been?" she asked in a breathy voice.
Awful. Horrible. It's hard to get up in the morning without sending you a good morning text. I miss you. My chest hurts when I'm thinking of you. I never stopped thinking of you. I love you.
"I'm doing alright." I clenched my fists hard to keep myself from twitching. I was never a good liar. She nodded once and I wondered how she was feeling. Was she glad that it was over between us? Did she think it was awkward that we were forced to talk to each other now?
"I tried fencing today." I said… just to say anything.
"How did that go?" she asked with a polite smile.
What do you think? I'm desperate enough to willingly do sports to distract myself from the pain in my chest. It was like fencing against myself. With every step I had to concentrate hard to keep the mask of nonchalance from slipping. Nobody can know that I'm still hurting this much! What will they think of me?
"It was pretty easy." I said quickly before I could launch into that rant that I built up in my head. "I think my background in mathletics helped."
A joke? Boy, those three sips of beer I had were obviously still affecting me. But Amy… she didn't laugh. Not even a little bit. She looked bitter. Like she truly had enough of me and my antics. I should leave her alone. Leonard was right. If I couldn't make her happy anymore she should be free to find someone who did.
"Barry Kripke was there." I said glumly. "I should let you know that he expressed interest in asking you out." Vocalizing these words hurt me somewhere deep inside… but it was the right thing to do, I told myself. Amy deserved to be happy.
"Actually… he already did."
NO! This can't happen! No! Absolutely not! You're not for him. You're mine. My Amy. My dear, lovely Amy. I can't let that happen. Please! Oh, please, take me back. I love you!
"Okay." I said instead. My pulse throbbed in the arteries of my neck. I saw red, but I couldn't make a scene. I lost my right to get upset about this. She wasn't my girlfriend anymore. She could see whomever she wanted… even though it killed me.
Kill... Kill Kripke!
"But don't get too attached to him. In two years and 264 days, he's a dead man." I said firmly. She looked confused. About what? Because I still cared? Because she certainly didn't care anymore, right?
"I said no." Amy answered at last.
Oh… that's a surprise. Why would you do that? Are you pitying me? You just want to make it easier for me, aren't you? I'm holding you back.
"Interesting." I still said somewhat relieved. And before I could stop myself I added, "I asked two women out today and they both said no." Of course, I didn't want to date any of them. There's just Amy for me… I knew that… but that didn't matter anymore. It's too late for us now. She didn't want me anymore.
"I-I didn't know you were interested in dating." she said, sounding surprised.
I'm not! I want you! Only you, because I love you. But you obviously don't love me anymore, so why are you so surprised? What other choice do I have to get over you? It's not like I could simply stop loving you. Can't you see?
"I've been told it's a good way to move on." I shrugged, still not fully convinced of Howard's idea. It didn't feel right.
"Oh… okay."
What? What is it? Why are you looking at me like this? Are you sad that I'm trying to move on? Don't you want me to move on? Do you still want me? Please tell me, is there hope? Do you love me?
"Anyway… uhm… it's nice to see you. You look good."
No hope.
I swallowed the tears that suddenly threatened to spill. This was too painful. I had to get away. Now! I heard myself say thank you, but I wasn't really there anymore. My throat constricted painfully. My heart felt heavy and cold like a stone. My stomach clenched as if I've been punched. I couldn't breathe. This was the death blow. It was really over.
To her, we were nothing more than old alliances, passing each other in the hallway, making awkward but polite conversation, but with no feelings left behind. I could hear it in her words:
It's nice to see you. You look good…
She already moved on. She didn't want me anymore. She was over me.
But I'm not, Amy! I still love you.
Amy:
I walked down the stairs with Bernadette, contemplating if I rejected Barry Kripke's invitation too quickly. It was flattering, but I didn't care for the way he behaved around my friends. Also, that picture he sent to my phone was quite off-putting as well.
We rounded the corner to the third floor and – bam – out of nowhere… there he was.
I froze so abruptly, it felt as if I ran into an invisible wall that was unrelentingly separating us. The air got knocked out of me and my heart pounded fearfully.
Sheldon's eyes were wide and round and blue. I love the color blue. Like the bright blue Superman shirt he loved to wear. But today his choice was black and I wondered if that was reflecting his mood. I knew I was staring… but I couldn't look away.
I haven't seen him for such a long time. How long was it? Only 41 days since our last conversation over Skype where he had the nerve to ask me to become his roommate. But still, it felt like so much longer. Seeing him again now, face-to-face, was like taking off a pair of sunglasses that you wore your entire life. Everything was so much sharper. Brighter. Prettier.
I was overwhelmed by his presence.
Bernadette excused herself and so did Leonard who came up the stairs with Sheldon. I tried to make her stay. I panicked. I didn't know what to say. Often times when I talked to him my words got twisted around to his favor and I couldn't have that anymore. But nevertheless, I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to tell him so much.
I miss you. You look handsome. I want to be with you forever. I forgive you. Please, don't hurt me with your words again. I love you.
I was nervous. He wasn't looking at me. He wasn't saying anything. My throat closed up, afraid to say the wrong thing. But I had to make the first step, because he surely wouldn't do it.
"How have you been?" I asked barely able to speak above a whisper. He looked at me just fleetingly, before fixing the floor again.
"I'm doing alright." he said and I nodded once.
Are you? Are you really? Because I'm not. I miss you. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning without your good morning texts. I can't stop thinking about you. I love you.
"I tried fencing today." he added.
Okay, so you're really doing fine without me. Of course, you are. Why would you be heartbroken over someone like me? What was I thinking! It must be awkward for you to be forced to talk to me right now.
I faked a half-smile, swallowing the pain that my thoughts caused. "How did that go?"
"It was pretty easy." he said quickly. "I think my background in mathletics helped."
Of course it was easy for you. You excel at so many things. And on top of that, you're also funny. You make me laugh. I would have loved to see you fencing. Why again did I break up with you? I love you.
I concentrated on keeping my face straight so my thoughts wouldn't give my feelings away. I couldn't let him know that I was still hurting this much. It would confuse him; I was the one who ended things with him. What would he think of me?
"Barry Kripke was there." he said now. "I should let you know that he expressed interest in asking you out."
Oh… that's a surprise. You already know about Barry? What did you say to him? Did you fight for me?
"Actually… he already did." I said in full disclosure, waiting anxiously for his reaction that would definitely show if he still cared about me or not. I didn't have to wait long.
"Okay." he said, nodding indifferently.
Really? That's all you've got!? After all we've been through? I thought you've loved me? I hoped you'd still care… just a little bit. But clearly you're not. Maybe breaking up with you was the right thing to do, after all. I deserve to be happy, too.
"But don't get too attached to him." Sheldon said. "In two years and 264 days, he's a dead man."
What? What is that supposed to mean? Oh god, this is so confusing! Are you jealous now? Does that mean you still care? I can't help but to hang on to this morsel of hope, because I love you.
"I said no." I told Sheldon quickly to reassure him. I wasn't ready yet to date anyone else. Oh, for heaven's sake, I wasn't ready to date anyone except him ever! There's just Sheldon for me… I knew that. And maybe his jealously meant that we could figure this out eventually. We just needed some time and someday we could be-
"Interesting. I asked two women out today and they both said no."
NO! This can't happen! No! Absolutely not! You're not for them. You're mine. My Sheldon. My quirky, lovely Sheldon. I can't let you go. Please! Oh, please, take me back. I love you!
I was in shock. "I-I didn't know you were interested in dating." I managed to press out. My head was swirling. He asked out multiple women. He didn't want me anymore. Oh god, I felt so stupid! I made a horrible mistake and the blows just kept coming.
"I've been told it's a good way to move on." he shrugged.
You don't care. You don't want me. How were you able to move on so easily when I can't? You don't love me anymore. I need to be able to move on, too. I need to stop loving you.
"Oh… okay." My brain couldn't function anymore. Tears burned in my eyes. He didn't love me. He never loved me. My heart was beating out of my chest in panic. I needed to get away. Now!
No hope.
"Anyway… uhm… it's nice to see you. You look good."
I had to keep it together. Just for a little while longer. Just until he turned his back on me and then I could cry. And cry. And I might as well never stop anymore. I heard him say thank you, but I wasn't really there anymore. My stomach clenched as if I've been punched. I couldn't breathe. This was the death blow. It was really over.
To him, we were nothing more than old alliances, passing each other in the hallway, making awkward but polite conversation. But with no feelings left behind. I could hear it in his words:
I've been told it's a good way to move on.
He already moved on. He didn't want me anymore. He was over me.
But I'm not, Sheldon! I still love you.
Omg, I'm so nervous now, haha. But I need to know what you think :)
Thank you all for your lovely reviews so far! I appreciate every single one of them so much!