Anastasia

We stayed on the ground, holding each-other for what felt like ages. I knew my parents and Riley would probably be back anytime soon. My parents had had a date night away last night, and Riley had stayed over at Christian's. We needed to get up off the floor before they returned, but I just couldn't move. A surge of emotions flittered through me, all of them conflicting. How did I move forward from this? How did I tell Christian about what I'd just done?

"It's okay," he murmured, pulling me closer. "Everything's going to be okay Ana."

"It's not," I cried. "It's not Christian."

He pulled away, holding my face between the palms of both his hands as he looked deeply into my eyes. I fell into his gaze, never wanting to look away but knowing I had no choice. Was it better to keep this a secret, and have it tearing at my insides day and night? Or was it better to just get it over with? I knew within myself that I could not harbour such a secret from him. It would eat me alive every moment. I had to tell him now, and leave him to make his own decision. It was now or never.

I moved out of his lap, finally standing. He followed suit, eyeing me as I shut the door and avoided his gaze.

"What is it Ana?" He asked softly. "You can tell me anything. I promise I won't..."

I shook my head, unable to bear hearing his words before I had said mine. I took a deep breath, choking on my own voice.

"Christian...I..." I trailed off, several times. How did I tell him this? With this one sentence, I was going to shatter our world. He would scream and shout and leave me for good. What if he found somebody else? What if he went back to Harriet? How would I be able to live with that? No. Stop. I had to believe he loved me enough to never do that. He wouldn't do that to me.

"Ana?" He asked, worry etched onto his face.

He came to stand in front of me, kneeling down beneath me as he took my hand. The action made me feel ten times worse.

"I thought it was over," I began quietly. "You didn't give me back my ring and you didn't come running after me."

"I know Ana, I just..."

I cut him off, needing to speak now before I completely lost all nerve.

"I wasn't myself. I was out of it and I felt so cold and numb. Everything I had planned for us, living together, our wedding, our life...it all just evaporated in an instant and I felt like I couldn't breathe. It felt different than all the other times. It felt like it was truly over."

"It's not," he said sternly, clutching my hands. "It's not over."

"I came home," I continued. "I had some vodka and I...I called Ethan over."

I looked away from him. At the mention of his name, Christian's body became tight and rigid. I knew he was putting one and one together. The mental images going through his mind must have felt like torture.

"What happened Ana?" He asked slowly, an edge to his voice that wasn't there before.

And that's when I started to cry properly. Tears falling like rainwater. Both of us knew what I was about to say, but he needed to hear it aloud as much as I needed to say it. No matter how awful the secret, I could never keep something with this much gravity from him. I had never been able to and I was sure I never would either.

"I slept with him," I choked out. "I felt so alone and scared, and I needed comfort. I thought you didn't want me. You always put me in second place and I just wanted somebody to put me first for once. Above all else."

I felt coldness as his hands pulled away. He was pacing before me in less than a second and I didn't even have the nerve to glance at him. I braced myself, clutching my hands against the fabric sofa as I waited for the thunder to crash.

"Ethan Kavanagh?" He asked, after what felt like an eternity. "You fucked Ethan Kavanagh?"

I cringed at the sharpness of his voice as I nodded.

He walked over to the window, tapping his hands against the glass with his back turned to me. Silence enveloped the room like a graveyard, the only sounds of our ragged breathing and my crying. The sunlight streamed through the glass, casting its golden glow over dust clouds and highlighting the multitude of colours in Christian's hair. He didn't say anything. When I called out his name, he didn't answer.

Tentatively, I got up off the couch and approached him. What I saw made my heart break into a thousand pieces. He wasn't raging with anger. He wasn't cursing or slamming doors like usual. He was crying. Soft silent tears streaming down his face that hurt more than anything else possibly could have.

"Christian," I started, but I didn't even know what to say. How could I possibly find words for this?

He turned around to face me, taking me off guard completely as he held me tight, bringing us both back to the floor. I leaned against his chest, both of us crying.

After a long stretch, he spoke quietly.

"Do you love him?" He asked, his voice hoarse and breaking. "Is it him you want?"

I turned to face him, my hands cupping his cheek as I wiped his tears away with my thumbs.

"No," I shook my head. "No, of course not. I...it meant nothing. It was just an escape. Christian, I don't want him. I don't love him. I've only ever wanted you. I don't want anybody else."

He leaned forward, capturing my lips with his. Our tears mingled together, tasting salty but neither of us cared. I kissed him back with everything I had.

"Do you forgive me?" He asked softly against my lips, several seconds later.

I nodded, pulling away to rest my head against his.

"I don't expect you to forgive me," I cried. "I..."

He kissed my forehead.

"I forgive you Ana," he said firmly. "It was my fault. You were right. I haven't put you first and you've always given me all of you. From now on, you'll have all of me. I'm going to lavish you with so much attention you'll get sick of me."

I smiled a little at that, running my fingers through his hair. I stared at his long eyelashes, his beautiful nose and those glorious lips I would do anything for.

"I think I'd like that," I whispered, tracing his nose with my fingertip. It was all I had ever wanted. His love and attention. Ever since I was a little girl. I wanted to be all of his. Belong to him completely. Every part. Mind, body and soul.

He kissed it slowly, his eyes never leaving my own as my heart rate sped up.

"Let's start again," he said determinedly. "I want that conversation we had yesterday to be erased."

I nodded as he laced his fingers through my own. A relief like I had never known washed over me. The emptiness that had been so apparent yesterday was now filled, like a missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle that had finally found its way back. I had Christian again. Everything else we could conquer later.

"Have you finished packing for college?" He asked, his free hand stroking through my hair. "We leave tomorrow remember?"

"We?" I asked, a small smile playing on my lips.

He nodded. "I'm not going to college but I'm going to be living with you. Sawyer and Andrea are going to be helping with the business. I can travel back if and when I need to sort something out here. I want to be with you Ana. Wherever you are."

I threw my arms around his neck, crushing him to me. Happy tears filled my eyes now.

"I love you Christian," I whispered. "I always have, and I always will."

He buried his face in my neck, where I could feel the wetness of his tears.

"I know," he murmured. "I know Ana."