Disclaimer: The Legend of Zelda, its characters and locations are all property of Nintendo. Any and all OCs and original locations belong to me unless specifically stated to belong to someone else.
Fashion Disaster
Chapter 10
Sheik's enjoyment of his victory in the Great Battle for the Maple Bar was short-lived, as he watched Hyrule stalk back into the office's restroom. The triumph he'd felt was quickly sucked away by the gnawing of impatience and irritation, his gaze focused on the blonde's shoulders, bristling with annoyance at his polite overture being rebuffed.
What was this guy's deal? He changed moods quicker than Kafei lost braincells, and Sheik had no idea how to handle it. And why did he keep going back to the damned bathroom all the time?
The first option was the most obvious—the bastard was furiously masturbating to a room full of models. Disgusting, and deeply, deeply unprofessional.
Or second, maybe he was in the throes of gastrointestinal distress. Sheik could sympathise with that, but still...ew.
Or third, he was hiding. And frankly, that was the worst option of all, because what the hell was he hiding from? His job? The models? Kafei? Sheik?!
Given how quickly he'd returned the first time, the third option looked more and more likely. But nothing was for certain, and Sheik hated uncertainty.
He wanted—no, he needed answers!
Carefully stepping over the groaning, prone bodies of his family and clanmates (except for Kafei's—Sheik made sure to dig his geta firmly into his back), he marched over to the restroom door.
"Hey!" he shouted, knocking on the door. "Hyrule!"
There was no response. He growled and hammered on the door so hard the little WC sign started flapping.
"Hyrule! Open the door!"
"Does privacy mean nothing to you?" the photographer's muffled voice asked from the other side, sounding supremely annoyed.
Good, Sheik could work with that.
"Not when you're doing unspeakable things to yourself in there!" he replied. "Open the door!"
"Why?!"
"Because I want answers!"
The lock clicked and the door opened a crack, an angry, blue eye glaring back at him. "What answers?" Hyrule hissed.
"What your problem is, for one," Sheik hissed right back. "And why you keep hiding in here like some sort of pervert."
"I'm not hiding," Hyrule growled. "I just needed a little privacy."
Sheik opened his mouth.
"Not for that!" Hyrule added.
What further proof could Sheik possibly need, honestly? This called for a victory cry.
"I needed a break, okay?!" Hyrule said.
"From what?" Sheik asked, raising an eyebrow. "What could you possibly need a break from?"
"You!"
Sheik paused. "Me?" he said, feeling like the skin of his forehead was about to rip from the combination of the make-up caking it and the movement of the muscles beneath, his eyebrows knitting together in confusion. "The hell are you talking about?"
Hyrule sighed. "This really isn't the right place for this talk," he muttered, making to close to the door, but Sheik managed to wedge the edge of his geta into the opening. "Stop that!"
"You don't run from confrontation," Sheik said, recalling one of Impa's many lectures. "You face it. What's the problem, Hyrule? And will you open the damn door? You look like a fucking trapdoor spider, lurking like that!"
This really wasn't how Sheik imagined this day would go. By now he should be face-deep in a buffet somewhere, desperately replenishing the precious calories he'd lost thanks to Kafei's insane dietary regimen, happy to finally leave all this modelling crap behind him.
But no, instead he was trying to coax a photographer who'd been behaving suspiciously all day out of a bathroom, using a wooden sandal as a doorstopper.
And he was still fucking hungry, damn it!
Ah, but yelling maybe wasn't the way to go at the moment.
"Look," he said quietly, deliberately lowering his voice, thinking maybe Hyrule would respond better to a soft volume, like a skittish animal. "I'll admit I could have behaved...differently earlier, but can you blame me? Neither of us are happy about this shoot, but the good thing is that we'll never have to be in the same room again after it. So...let's just finish, all right?"
He wouldn't say it out loud, but it hadn't been all bad, either. Earlier, when it had just been him and Hyrule working through the solo pictures of Sheik, it had almost been...fun? Hyrule had been nothing but professional then. Why was it so hard for him to do so now?
"Not sure..." Hyrule said, mumbling the last part under his breath.
"Eh?" Sheik said, turning his head. "Speak up!"
Hyrule shook his head. Sheik growled.
"Fuck's sake, man, just spit it out or I'll burn this office to the ground!"
"I said I'm not sure I never want to see you again!" Hyrule snarled back, glaring from his hideout like a hermit crab. All he lacked were the pincers.
"That's why I said we should just do this and get it over with and—wait, what?"
Sheik's ears caught up with his brain in the middle of the sentence, his entire train of thought not so much grinding to a halt as derailing entirely and killing everyone onboard.
Did he just say...?
"Oh?" said the slimy, degenerate voice of a madman as Kafei sidled up to them, putting a hand on Sheik's bare shoulder, grinning like the devil himself come to personally collect souls. "Are we finally making some interpersonal headway? Are we, dare I say it, close to kissing and making up?"
Hyrule's expression turned to stone, his spirit clearly leaving his earthly vessel, his grip on the door slackening. Sheik, on the other hand, rounded on his cousin, the fire blazing in the pit of his stomach once more.
"What the fuck are you talking about, you idiot?!" he shrieked. "There'll be no kissing here! And another thing—"
"Ah, well, then you force me to take drastic measures," Kafei said happily, reaching behind Sheik to rip the bathroom door open, shoving Sheik bodily through the opening. His back crashed into Hyrule's still empty shell and they both lost their balance, falling.
The last thing Sheik saw was Kafei's silhouette and his crimson eyes flashing menacingly before he shut the door.
They landed in a pile on the bathroom floor, arms and legs tangled. Sheik cursed under his breath, maybe accidentally elbowing Hyrule gently in the gut (the wheeze certainly suggested his aim had been true) to finally extricate himself from the heap.
Outside, there was the muffled sound of Kafei shouting instructions about pulling something in front of something, and that of something heavy scraping along carpet.
"I'm gonna kill him," Sheik muttered, taking a moment to make sure his clothes hadn't ripped, then wondering why he bothered when it was all Kafei's work anyway. If anything, he should be ruining the creations in retaliation for this ridiculousness. He spared the fallen Hyrule no mind as he rushed for the door, pulling down on the handle and pushing.
The door didn't budge.
Sheik blinked. Surely the door had opened into the office? He tried pulling.
Once more the door refused to move.
"You have to push," Hyrule's still wheezy voice said from the floor.
"I'm not stupid!" Sheik exclaimed, trying to push again. This time, the door moved minutely, and then stopped, like something was blocking it.
What the hell?!
"Kafei!" he shouted. "Open this door, now!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, Sheik, can't hear you!" Kafei the Liar's muffled voice replied. "There appears to have been a logistical incident, and now Rena's couch has been placed in front of the door! Very unfortunate! But don't worry, we'll have ourselves a meeting and figure out the best way to tackle this situation. We'll also search for more food...and maybe some industry secrets, who knows! In the meantime, why don't you and Hyrule take the chance to get to know each other a little better and bury the hatchet, yeah? Great, see you in a bit!"
"Kafei!" Sheik shouted. "Kafei! Get back here right now you bastard!"
There was no answer, only more voices and the sounds of an office being torn apart in the search for sustenance.
Traitors, all of them! They'd regret this, Sheik would make damn sure of that! He'd call Paya and she'd come and fix this clusterfuck! He reached into his pocket...
Or rather the one that he usually had, on accounting of wearing pants, rather than a kimono that, because Kafei was the worst person to ever exist, did not have pockets!
His phone was still in his jeans, outside!
At least the bathroom had nice acoustics, letting his long tirade of expletives ring out and echo over and over again, his throat burning from the strain towards the end as he leaned against the bathroom door, glaring up at the fluorescent bulb that lit the admittedly spacious room.
There was a single toilet, a sink, a huge roll of paper towels, and one of those hand dryers that sounded like it was perpetually disappointed in you and every single one of your life choices. Problem was, there was a lot of empty space between each and every single one of these articles.
And a groaning Hylian lying in the middle of the floor, still looking half-dead.
"I didn't elbow you that hard," Sheik growled. "Get up."
"No, I think I'll stay here," Hyrule said, staring up at the light. "Less chance of physical injury that way."
Sheik reigned himself in. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? But if there's anyone you should be mad at right now, it's Kafei! He's locked us in here!"
Hyrule sighed and sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Is he prone to stunts like this?" he asked.
"He's the bane of my existence," Sheik said.
"So yes," Hyrule muttered, looking up at Sheik from the floor, crossing his legs, seemingly making himself comfortable. "Do you mind if I feed him to the wolves once we're out of here?"
"Go ahead," Sheik said, shrugging. "I'll even help you."
Exhaustion was rapidly setting in—the energy from the maple bar quickly burned off in the outburst, and Sheik was starting to feel a little shaky, to be honest. And sitting down right now felt like a good idea, so he let himself slide along the door until he, too, was sitting on cold bathroom tiles. Fucking kimono did nothing to insulate. He suppressed the shiver.
Wouldn't do to look weak in front of Hyrule, the last person on the planet Sheik wanted to be stuck in a small room with. At least this strange, flaky weirdo he turned into whenever he wasn't manning a camera and ordering Sheik around.
Sheik could at least work with that Hyrule.
This one, he had no idea how to handle. Especially not in the wake of what he'd said just before Kafei had decided to be his usual interfering self.
That said, Sheik wanted answers. Which meant he had to ask questions.
"What did you mean?" he asked, bringing Hyrule's attention back from wherever it had gone.
"Hm?" Hyrule said, having the audacity to look confused.
"Before," Sheik clarified through gritted teeth, fingernails scrabbling smoothly over the tiles, like claws. "You said you weren't sure you'd never want to see me again. What does that even mean?"
Hyrule's cheeks grew a little red at that, the rest of his face taking on a slightly green pallor. "Uh, I misspoke."
"Bullshit," Sheik said sharply, easily seeing through Hyrule's extremely poor poker face. "I can read you like an open book."
Hyrule stared. "...wouldn't you know the answer already, then?" he asked.
It was a good thing there wasn't anything Sheik could use as a blunt instrument in here (not even a toilet brush), because things would not have ended well for Hyrule if there were. Sheik breathed in, forcing himself not to react as he usually would.
"Are you always this infuriating to talk to?" he asked, wondering how this person could possibly be the same guy who'd been so commanding during the shoot. From dominant to cry-baby at the drop of a hat.
Hyrule crossed his arms petulantly. "I don't try to be. I guess being around people just brings it out in me. I can't stand it."
Sheik paused. Huh, that was an actual answer. Took him a moment to realise it, though, thanks to the way Hyrule's chest and arms were straining against the struggling fabric of his T-shirt. He certainly didn't skip upper body day.
Shaking his head, Sheik focused on the answer, realising it only led to more questions. "Why even work in fashion, then?" he asked. "Surely it's one of the most people-centric professions there are."
"I don't work in fashion," Hyrule said, nodding.
Sheik stared at him for a long moment, mulling over the answer, turning it this way and that in his head, trying to find some angle he was missing, some way of interpreting it in a way that actually made sense.
He failed miserably. "What the hell are you talking about?" he spat. "Of course you work in fashion! You're doing it right now!"
"Not as a steady gig," Hyrule clarified, rolling his eyes.
The nerve of this asshole!
"What, pray tell," Sheik said slowly, "is your 'steady gig', then?"
If the answer was anything but "amnesia ward patient", Sheik was going to scream. He'd also accept "obtuse idiot".
"I'm a photographer," Hyrule said.
Sheik screamed.
"Nature and wildlife photographer!" Hyrule shouted. "Not fashion photographer! I'm only doing this as a favour to Zelda!"
Sheik stopped screaming.
"What?" he asked eloquently.
"I'm a nature and wildlife photographer," Hyrule repeated, rubbing his eyes again, suddenly looking exhausted. He leaned back against the toilet, regarding Sheik with narrowed eyes. "This is about as far out of my comfort zone as I could possibly get, but Zelda asked me very nicely and I couldn't say no, especially not since your cousin specifically asked for me."
Sheik wasn't sure if he'd slipped into an alternate reality or some other dimensional anomaly. Well, it certainly explained a few things about Hyrule's behaviour. His wolf T-shirt, for one, as only a person raised by wolves could possibly think it was an appropriate piece of clothing to wear in public.
Not to mention his awkwardness at the beginning of the shoot. And during the shoot. Most of the time Sheik had spent with him, honestly.
Wait.
Kafei had what?
Before he could ask, however, Hyrule continued to speak.
"The show was supposed to be a one-off," he said with another weary sigh. "But apparently the pics I took were so good that Kafei wanted more, and so Zelda roped me into this." He ran his fingers through his hair, giving it a ruffled appearance that was unfairly good-looking. Really, there ought to be a law against wearing tight T-shirts.
Sheik shook his head. "So, you're really not in fashion?" he asked.
"Really not," Hyrule confirmed. "This is the last thing I want to be doing with my time. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing."
"Based on what people said about the pictures you took, that's not true," Sheik said, breathing out. So the guy was weird because he was completely out of his element, not because he was purposefully being an eccentric perv. That was...oddly reassuring. "Everyone said how much they loved them."
Sheik wouldn't know how they'd turned out, having refused to look, but everyone's reactions had been raving, both about the photos themselves and Sheik's outfit.
That was as far as Sheik acknowledged the positive feedback. He couldn't handle anything else.
"So Zelda kept telling me too, but I didn't believe her," Hyrule said, frowning. "Or that your cousin loved them so much. I can take pictures of a beautiful mountain in all kinds of conditions and follow a flock of animals for hours or days just to get a perfect snap. Tell me to photograph a person and I'm useless."
"But...you seemed so in control, earlier," Sheik said. "When it was just you and me. You were so...forceful. Commanding. You were like a professional! And again, the pictures you took were good!"
"Purely incidental," Hyrule said with a chuckle. "And...well...you're a good model."
Now it was Sheik's turn to sigh. Well, if they were being honest...
"I'm not," he said, meeting Hyrule's blue eyes steadily when he looked up. "A model, I mean."
Hyrule took to his new role of Confused Photographer #1 with great skill, raising an eyebrow in a perfect imitation of Sheik's gesture. "Huh?"
"I'm not a model!" Sheik repeated with a growl. He forced himself to douse the fire that started to burn in the pit of his stomach again. "I was roped into this by Kafei. I wasn't supposed to be on that runway—Kiro was, but he got sick, so I had to fill in for him."
"Huh..." Hyrule said.
"Yeah, I know what you're thinking," Sheik muttered. "Explains it all, doesn't it? Why I can't do shit."
"Only your reason for being so uncomfortable in front of a camera," Hyrule said, nodding to himself. "As far as I knew you were just a regular model with a very short fuse."
"I'd rather have a short fuse than drool like a dog at a guy in panties!"
The Hylian's face erupted in a full-on blush at that, his eyes quickly finding the floor very interesting. Sheik maybe slightly regretted saying it in such an abrupt manner, but...damn it, raised by wolves or not, there was decorum to be upheld!
"You're right," Hyrule said, nodding, still looking at the floor. "That was gross of me, and I'm sorry. I just...I didn't expect to see someone so beautiful on the catwalk that day." His face could have lit up the bathroom on its own at this point.
Sheik wondered what he had ever done to deserve being put in this situation—sure, he wasn't the best person in the world, but surely he hadn't done anything to deserve a punishment like this?! And now this...this unfairly fit fraud was calling him the B word!
"No need to be nasty," he said weakly, glaring at the Hylian.
"I'm not?" Hyrule said, confused. "You really were beautiful." He shook his head. "Are. But that doesn't give me the right to drool. Or anything else, really, so I'm sorry. Truly sorry."
"Yeah, well...just don't do it again!" Sheik's stomach roiled at the mention of the B word once more. He couldn't take it. Couldn't stand it.
"I won't!"
"Good!" Sheik paused. "And please tell me you weren't about to come in here for a...a...you know..."
He couldn't even finish the sentence. It was too horrible to put into words.
Was there even any blood left anywhere else in Hyrule's body by now? His face looked fit to burst from the amount that had decided to rush to his head as he shook it like a madman.
"No, no, no!" he exclaimed. "Definitely not!"
"Then what the hell were you coming in here for, then?!" Sheik grimaced. "You don't have IBS, do you?"
The Hylian grimaced as well. "No! I was coming in here to sulk!"
"Over what?!"
"You not being single!"
The world, and everything on it, stopped moving. Sheik felt every beat of his heart, the rush of blood through his veins, his lungs expanding and contracting with each breath as he desperately searched his brain for the moment where he'd apparently gotten together with someone without noticing.
He wondered who it was...
"Wait, what? I'm not single?" Sheik said.
"You're not," Hyrule confirmed.
"Since when?"
"How should I know?"
"Hang on, hang on," Sheik said, looking wildly around the room. "Who the hell told you I was seeing someone?"
"Your cousin!"
"Which one?!"
"Kafei!"
Sheik carefully pinched the bridge of his nose. The headache was already there, but it was a grounding action, so he still did it. "Kafei," he said slowly and deliberately, "told you I was seeing someone?"
Hyrule looked uncertain. "Well..." he trailed off.
"Well?"
"He didn't tell me as much as he announced it to the whole room."
Sheik quickly spooled through his most recent memories, looking for the moment Hyrule was describing. He couldn't find it anywhere, unless it was...oh...
The phone incident.
"I am going to murder Kafei," Sheik said, standing up—his ass was about to freeze—to pace around the small area of the bathroom that was his. The geta clacked against the tile. "He is, without a doubt, the ultimate source of chaos in my life."
"Um..." Hyrule said. "Are you—?"
"I'm not seeing anyone," Sheik said, crossing his arms as well, glaring down at Hyrule. "Kafei was fucking with me."
"O-Oh," Hyrule said. Sheik tried not to notice the way his eyes lit up a little. Frankly, this entire situation was too ridiculous to be tolerated, and he wasn't sure what he'd do if Hyrule didn't stop looking so damned happy.
Or cute.
Fuck, his eyes were bright.
"Um..."
Oh fuck, here it came. Sheik could see it a mile off. Hyrule was about to ask him out—why else would he have sulked about Sheik not being single?—and he was going to have to turn him down in the damned bathroom and everything would be so fucking awkward and—
"What is your day job?"
For the second time in a very short interval Sheik's train of thought was derailed again.
"Huh?"
"You said you're not a model," Hyrule said, the luminescent blush on his face finally seeming to fade. He stood up, evidently finding the floor uncomfortable as well. "What do you do?"
Had Sheik misunderstood? Misinterpreted the whole thing? He scrambled to summon an answer.
Outside, the sounds of chaos coming from the office grew painfully loud. There were the unmistakeable sounds of filing cabinets being opened and close, as well as a wail of despair that sounded very much like Kiro.
"I'm...uh...I'm a judo instructor."
He usually said it with pride, but it came out very doubting this time. Damn Hyrule and his train-derailing words.
The Hylian's eyes lit up even more, a huge grin coming to his face. "That's so cool!" he exclaimed. "Have you been doing it long?"
"I've been...doing judo since I was a kid," Sheik said weakly, his world tilting even more.
"That explains the muscles!"
"The what?"
Hyrule hesitated. "Um...I was noticing that you're...pretty fit. Muscled. In a way models don't tend to be. I mean if you do judo you get a lot of exercise right which is why you're so strong!"
Alas, the blush did not remain gone for long, and even made an appearance on Sheik's face if the heat in his cheeks was anything to judge by.
"I...er...I didn't mean to..." Hyrule trailed off. "Anyway! Since you were a kid, huh?!"
Grasping the lifeline like...well, like his life depended on it, Sheik forged forward. "Yeah! But I've only recently gotten my own dojo!"
"That's amazing!"
"Thank you!"
They stared at each other, eyes wide open, faces burning. They were standing close. Close enough for them to not need to be shouting at each other. A little too close.
When had they gotten this close? A single step, and they'd be close enough to...to...
Hyrule's shirt really was too tight. Indecent at best. Sheik felt half-tempted to tear it off to see just what the bastard looked like underneath, but...wait, what the hell was he thinking?! An hour ago, Sheik had been ready to snap Hyrule's spine over his knee, and now he was thinking about...about...
Hyrule's face was still covered in an incandescent blush, his hands twitching at his sides. Was he...was he going to...?
"Are you always this angry?"
Sheik froze. "Wh-What?"
Hyrule shuffled awkwardly, aborting his approach apparently. Just as well. Sheik wasn't sure he'd be able to say no, honestly.
"Sorry, it's just...you know...you keep shouting so much."
Sheik opened his mouth, filling his lungs with the required amount of air for a good shriek, catching himself just before letting it out.
He had been shouting a lot lately, hadn't he? His throat was a little sore from the effort. Kafei had that effect on him—every time the purple-haired devil popped up in Sheik's life, his scream quotient increased manyfold. It didn't help that people kept feeling the need to make comments about Sheik's appearance. He didn't need or want to know what they thought—he wasn't out to impress anyone, fashion model or not.
He'd only done this as a favour to Kafei in the first place.
"I'm not used to...this," Sheik said, barely realising his mouth was even moving before it was too late to take it back, gesturing to the kimono he was wearing. "People judging me for my looks. I don't like it. So I...snap. Maybe a little too much." He looked away, glaring at the white tiles of the wall. "You...bore the brunt of it today, even if you occasionally deserved it," he continued. "I'm sorry."
Hyrule stared at him, a little slack jawed. The blush remained.
Sheik's treacherous heart gave a little skip. Hyrule was honestly too attractive for his own good, even when one knew he owned and proudly wore one of those wolf T-shirts.
Outside, Kafei let out a triumphant yell. "Bingo!" he shouted. "Contact info to all the photographers and big fashion houses! Kiro, stop blubbering and take notes!"
Kiro's voice wailed quietly, audible even through the door.
That seemed to snap Hyrule out of his daze, his eyes focusing on the door behind Sheik. "What is your cousin doing out there?"
"Stealing your sister's business secrets, I imagine," Sheik said with a shrug. "He's shameless like that."
Hyrule groaned. "She's going to kill me for this," he said, running his hands through his hair again in frustration.
"If it's any comfort, I'll gladly kill Kafei to avenge you," Sheik offered, to which Hyrule snorted a laugh. It was a little charming. "I'm serious," he added, wanting to see if he could a little bigger smile on the idiot's face, "he's been overdue for an assassination for years now."
Hyrule's full-on laugh was incredibly pleasant, even bouncing off the bathroom walls.
Link's life had been a rollercoaster that day, and while he thought maybe he'd been done with the worst loop-de-loops when lunchtime approached and he'd managed to establish a somewhat working relationship with Ishida, he realised he'd been very wrong.
For one thing, he'd not expected to live through the experience of being trapped inside the bathroom with the red-eyed man, especially given the atmosphere they'd started with.
Or be seized by the incredible urge to kiss him in the fluorescent lighting of Zelda's office bathroom, but here he was.
Thank Hylia he'd managed to stop himself before giving in to the urge—he highly doubted Ishida would've appreciated it so soon after Link kind of cleared his name. Ishida's blushing face and vulnerable expression, along with the way he'd leaned in a little, suggested maybe he wasn't entirely opposed to the idea, but Link wasn't about to push.
Even if he was so fucking elated to learn Ishida was single after all.
Emotions still ran high, though, and Link suspected it had a great deal to do with the fact they were both absolutely starving. Ishida's maple bar had likely not done much to sate him, and this conversation had taken a lot out of them both.
And now Ishida's cousin was tearing Zelda's office apart, stealing her secrets. At this point it was tempting to just sit down and cry a little bit, but he didn't want to make himself appear even more pathetic in front of Ishida.
The gorgeous judo-teaching bastard that he was.
And currently wearing an obscenely attractive outfit. Any other time Link wouldn't be so annoyed about being trapped in a small room with someone, but now...
He groaned. This was the last time he did Zelda any favours, regardless of fees or special television privileges. He gave Ishida a sour look. "Come on, let's get out of here."
"Fucking finally," Ishida muttered.
They both put their shoulders to the door, Link keeping the handle in the open position, and pushed. The door didn't budge.
"Okay," Ishida said. "On three, yeah? One, two, three!"
Success! The door slid open a little, the couch that had been pulled in front of the door shifting slightly as its leg slid along the carpet. Rena's snores, now a great deal louder due to the open door, continued peacefully.
"Heavy sleeper?" Link asked.
"She's got a finely tuned snooze function," Ishida said in a deadpan. "Can literally fall asleep whenever and wherever."
"Impressive," Link said. "One more time. One, two, three!"
The couch slid further now, and they were finally able to squeeze through the small wedge of open space they'd managed to create, emerging into a room of chaos.
Kafei, having not noticed the ruckus of the couch being moved, was wrist-deep in Zelda's papers, greedily photographing every name, phone number and email address he could find with his phone, cackling to himself.
Kiro, on the other hand, was sitting in a broken heap in front of Zelda's filing cabinet, crying. And not just a little either—his entire frame was wracked with heavy, deep, ugly sobs. A truly broken man, if Link had ever seen one.
Kafei's minions had separated into two groups, apparently deeply divided on an issue Link had no idea what meant. Jabots, whatever they were, brought out strong emotions, it seemed. He was fairly certain he could see more than one brandished blade as the groups regarded each other with what could only be described as sheer hatred.
Low blood sugar was a big fucking deal to the Sheikah, Link suspected.
Rena continued to sleep on the couch, oblivious to it all.
"I'll handle Kafei," Ishida said, pushing past Link in a very authoritative manner. "You find out why Kiro is crying like someone just stole his firstborn." He gave Link no time to argue as he immediately launched himself at his cousin with an angry shout. "Keep your sticky fingers to yourself!"
There was a tussle. A fairly violent one. Link felt obligated to help, but Ishida seemed to be on top of things, having caught his cousin by surprise. Instead, Link made his way towards the blubbering Kiro, giving the cousins a wide berth.
"What's wrong?" he asked, feeling a little bad at the way Kiro startled, practically jumping from the floor, before pointing a shaky finger to the open drawer of the filing cabinet.
Behind them, the fragile diplomatic conference between the jabot armies finally broke, and a fight broke out. Link didn't dare turn around. He wasn't sure his sanity was equipped to deal with it.
Keep calm, carry on.
That was his motto for the moment, and he kept the full force of his attention on the open drawer, standing on his tiptoes and looking inside.
Honestly, if it weren't for Ishida, Link would've sat down and cried right beside Kiro.
Zelda was a food hoarder. Not a strange thing in itself. Her problem, however, was that she sometimes forgot where she'd hoarded it. In this case, some sort of sandwich had been left inside the cabinet.
For some time.
An eon, Link suspected, judging by the sheer number of things growing in there. The smell was...inimitable. There were no words for it. Slowly, as to not upset the fragile-looking pulsating pustules, he closed the drawer.
A biohazard clean-up crew ought to be called in for this one, in his opinion. The cabinet would likely have to be incinerated. Zelda would just have to write it off as an operating loss.
Turning to Kiro, he helped the devastated model sit down in Zelda's office chair, away from the still-ongoing duel between Ishida and Kafei, patting Kiro on the shoulder.
"It's all right," he said. "It can't hurt you."
"It's...it's alive," Kiro said with horror, his face green. "How is it alive?!"
"My sister can work miracles," Link said. "You should see what she can do with a packet of yeast."
Kiro shuddered.
"Give it back!" Kafei, now a crumbled heap on the floor, wailed, and Link looked up to see Ishida emerging triumphantly from the furball, Kafei's phone held aloft like the head of an enemy general. He looked even more dishevelled now, the god of war look coming through even more now. Link tried not to drool again.
Something he'd always had to be on guard against around Ishida, apparently.
"Impa taught you better than to commit industrial espionage without proper authorisation," Ishida growled, tapping his finger against the screen. He caught Link's eye. "I'm deleting the photos he took."
Kafei wailed again.
"Thanks," Link said, grinning. "Zelda would never forgive me if she knew someone had gone through her stuff." He also silently thanked Hylia for his sister being so disorganised that she'd never know that the pile of crap on her desk had even disturbed.
He'd likely pay for the stolen maple bar, though, but he was willing to endure it.
He'd gotten to see Ishida fight like a wildcat for it, after all, and then devour it like he was starving.
"And stop using my baby picture as your wallpaper!" Ishida snapped, tossing Kafei's phone back to him.
"Never," Kafei hissed. "It's my most precious picture of you."
Link tried to catch a glimpse, but the phone was quickly stashed into Kafei's pocket, away from prying eyes and fingers.
"Jabots will never go out of style, you heathen!" a minion shouted, just as he was about to impale his enemy on an umbrella.
"Stop living in the past, you damned relic!" she responded, about to strangle him with a garter.
Just as Link was about to maybe see if he could get them to stop trying to kill each other over clothes, the office door slammed open, revealing what appeared to be a walking pile of white plastic bags with the logo of a nearby buffet Zelda had taken Link to a sometimes.
The smell of food immediately permeated the air, banishing even the memory of the filing sandwich from Link's senses. It made his mouth immediately fill with saliva (refreshing that Ishida wasn't the cause for once). The hostilities in the room immediately ceased, every eye in the room zeroing in on the bags. From her couch, Rena opened her eyes and sat up, immediately awake and alert.
The pile of bags shifted, revealing that they were in fact being carried by the tall, buff Sheikah security guard and Zelda.
"Looks like we arrived just in time," Zelda said lightly, while Paya's eyes narrowed at the state of her kith and kin.
She said something in their tongue, the words sharp and filled with disappointment. The effect on Kafei, Ishida, and the others was clear, all of them looking a little ashamed.
Well, Ishida wasn't too ashamed, judging by the way the corner of his mouth curled up a little. Link barely noticed, though, his own hunger making its ugly, ugly appearance with a loud growl.
"Sorry we're late," Zelda said brightly as she and Paya entered the office fully, shutting the door behind them. "You wouldn't believe the line at the buffet. We managed to clean it out, though, so hopefully you'll forgive us."
Link tore his gaze away from the bags of food to regard his sister with suspicion. She was far too happy for this to have been a simple food run. He scanned her face, and then her neck and...well, wouldn't you know it.
Covered in hickeys.
As was Paya's, though she'd done her best to cover them up with the collar of her shirt.
The fucking nerve of these two.
Before he could point out the clear waste of time they'd been up to, however, the dam broke and a wave of hungry Sheikah descended upon the two of them, sweeping Link along with it.
He'd bonk Zelda on the head later. Right now, there was a big box of dumplings with his name on it.
Unless he had to fight Ishida for it, which looked very likely given how they both reached for it at the same time.
Before the conflict could brew, however, Kafei snapped it up out of nowhere, cackling wildly.
"Share?" Ishida suggested.
"Share," Link agreed.
They charged their enemy together.
Kafei never stood a chance.
"Consider yourself on horny probation," Link hissed at Zelda as she grovelled at his feet, apologising profusely for leaving Link to deal with the hungry Sheikah on his own. It was far from a genuine apology, but at this point he needed some sort of acknowledgement from his sister that she'd fucked up.
"I couldn't help it," she said, staring at the carpeted floor. "You didn't see her ass when she bent over."
Brazen and wanton—Link wondered how the hell the two of them had turned out so differently given they were raised in the same household, by the same person. Their father would be ashamed to witness his daughter's conduct.
At the other end of the office, the Sheikah were packing up their supplies and equipment. It was amazing, how they'd immediately calmed upon getting fed. Well, for the most part. The jabot disagreement went deeper than what some noodles could fix, but Paya kept the parties from descending into another battle as they'd finished the shoot.
"Also, you've sown the seeds of life in your filing cabinet," Link said, not wanting Zelda to explain her inability to keep her hands off Paya any further. "Only fire will cleanse it."
"My sandwich?" Zelda asked, eyes widening. "I knew I'd left it somewhere!"
Behind her, carrying a box, Kiro looked ready to cry again. Link could only give him an apologetic look.
"Well, that's about it for us," Kafei said, sidling over, nearly masking the limp Ishida had left him with. "Thank you so much for your hospitality and wonderful work, miss and mister Hyrule."
Amazing how professional he could act, despite being a rotten gremlin to his very core. Link still shook his hand.
"It was a pleasure," Zelda said brightly. "I'm sorry about the lunch mishap, though."
"Oh, it was nothing we couldn't handle," Kafei replied with a chuckle, as if the fucking Apocalypse hadn't nearly happened. "Tempers ran a little high but it was nothing we couldn't handle."
Lies.
Blatant lies.
"I appreciate the confidence in choosing us for your photos," Zelda said, taking his hand in both of hers. "Do feel free to recommend us to other houses."
"Absolutely," Kafei said, giving Link a wink. "Now, I'd like to handle the payment issue immediately, if you don't mind."
"Oh, of course, come right this way, I'll make you an invoice."
Zelda led Kafei to her desk, where they began to work on some sort of software. Paya was called over after a few minutes as an intense, hushed discussion erupted between them. Link watched them for a moment, not daring to walk over himself, especially not when Paya smacked Kafei upside the head.
"No, you cannot add sandwich PTSD treatment for Kiro as a business expense," Paya hissed.
"Do you have any idea how expensive therapists are?!"
Link let the ensuing argument fade into the background as he caught sight of Ishida talking with Rena as they ladened a minion's arms with the last couple of boxes, sending them struggling towards the door. Ishida's eyes caught Link's, and he gave Rena a smile and a nod as she excused herself, gently leading the now sobbing Kiro away.
"He'll recover," Ishida said. "I think." He was dressed in jeans and a hoodie now. While Link dearly missed the asymmetrical kimono, it was still a very good look for him.
Then again, Ishida probably looked great in anything and nothing.
Especially nothing.
No, no, bad brain, stop!
"Poor guy," Link said, trying very hard to ignore the way his hear had sped up the moment Ishida had come closer, and the way his body heated up...and his sweaty palms. "Uh...sorry again, for...well, everything."
"It's fine, Hyrule," Ishida said. "We've...both said and done things we're not proud of today."
"Link, please."
"Hm?"
"My name is Link," Link said. "Hyrule makes me sound like an enemy."
"You were, up until earlier this afternoon," Ishida said with a grin that threatened to make Link's knees wobble. "But fine...and I guess it's only proper for you to call me Sheik, Link."
"Sheik," Link said, trying it out. It was altogether too pleasant to say. Just like hearing Sheik saying his name.
The idea struck him then (hah, as if he hadn't been thinking about it since the moment Ish—Sheik had told him he was single). Taking a deep breath, looking Sheik straight in the eye, he opened his mouth—
"..."
Nothing came out.
Link tried again.
"Hhhh..."
Sheik looked confused. "Is something the matter?"
This was why Link didn't dabble in romance. His brain just shut down whenever the subject came up. In the corner of his vision, he spotted Zelda giving him a silent thumbs-up.
Fuck it.
"D-Do you want to go get a coffee or something sometime?" he asked, slurring half the words because his tongue had gone into overdrive. He might also have shouted the words, causing Sheik to take a step back, eyes wide in surprise.
Well, it was out there now. Link couldn't take it back. He could only hope and pray to Hylia that Sheik would say—
"No."
His world came crashing down around him. He'd never recover from this. This was the worst thing that had ever happened to him. Link decided right then and there that he'd pack his bags, ride Epona into the mountains, and become a hermit. It was the only way he could continue to live after this embarrassment.
"I mean..."
Link looked up from his mental planning, noticing Sheik having a sly look on his face.
"I don't really date guys I don't know," the Sheikah said, his voice confident but his cheeks colouring. "So how about a deal?"
"A...A deal?" Link asked.
"Yeah," Sheik said, reaching into his wallet and pulling out a business card with a Sheikah eye logo on it. "This is my dojo. Come by tomorrow after five."
Wait, did he mean...?
"I still owe you for the upskirt photos," Sheik said, cheeks still red. "Fight me, and then we'll see."
Link realised he must have had it bad for this guy, because he didn't even think twice before agreeing and pocketing the business card. Didn't even remember that he had in no way any sort of fighting training or experience and had just said yes to meeting a damned instructor in the ring.
Zelda had no problems reminding him of this fact later that night, though.
But Link didn't care.
If he got a chance at a date with Sheik, he'd gladly risk life and limb.
"Right, five it is," Sheik replied. "See you tomorrow, then."
"See you," Link said, watching Sheik leave the office, grabbing Kafei by the scruff of his neck and dragging him out as he wailed over the very long invoice Zelda had printed out.
He then caught sight of Zelda and Paya, er, saying their goodbyes as it were.
Forget horny probation; Zelda was going to horny jail!