A/N: Thank you for all of the encouraging reviews! This chapter foreshadows some upcoming drama. I hope you enjoy! I look forward to reading your reviews and hearing what you think.

Chapter 8

Foolish

Please Read: This chapter contains the topics of suicide and severe mental illness. I am marking the beginning and end of this discussion with a trigger warning for those that choose to skip this passage. This topic will also be explored in further chapters.

While it is always my goal to forewarn you of potentially triggering topics, I am human. I am always open to discussing concerns via PMs. Thank you!

After breakfast, Christian and I are lazing on the couch. I am working on the NYT Sunday Crossword while Christian types away on his laptop. I take a sip of the perfect cup of tea, Thank you very much, Ms. Jones.

"So, when are we going to talk about that red room upstairs? You have to know that I have so many questions," I ask.

Christian leans forward to place his MacBook on the coffee table.

"Was Kate serious? Is there really internet chatter about my...proclivities?"

"Maybe...I have read some things. It's mostly anonymous posts like 'I heard it from a friend who is dating a girl that used to hook up with Christian Grey, and she said he tried to tie her up in his dungeon.' Never really any first-hand accounts, no credible sources."

"That's absurd. I have never tried to tie a girl up. I have successfully tied up many girls but I have never tried and failed."

I giggle at Christian's smugness. Cocky bastard. "So, how does it work? Do you meet a girl and say, 'Wanna go to my place so I can tie you up and whip you?"

Christian laughs out loud. "The, eh, community is small. It's more like finding someone within the lifestyle who shares like-minded preferences. If you are both into the same things and attracted to each other, the two of you negotiate an agreement that involves safe words, hard and soft limits, and other details."

"Okay, so what are your soft and hard limits?"

Christian chokes on the sip of coffee he just took.

"Is it something that you don't want to talk about?"

"No, I don't mind telling you. Your question surprises me."

"What did you expect me to ask?"

"I figured you would start with something more along the lines of 'How did you get involved in the lifestyle?"

I giggle. "Well, yeah, I want to know that, too. Tell me whatever you are comfortable sharing about your, um, lifestyle."

Christian pauses and runs two fingers along his jawline. Hello Mr. Hotty McSmells-So-Yummy!
"Well, you know about my touch issues."

I nod

"Before I was adopted some pretty bad shit happened to me. I have never been comfortable with anyone touching me. Going through adolescence, I was the same as every other horny teenage boy. Only, my touch issues prevented me from ever getting to act on my urges.

When I got to college, I took a psych class that covered human sexuality. The class was a requirement. I wasn't into the topics until we covered BDSM. Right there in the text book, it said some people with haphephobia are drawn to bondage because it is a safe way to have sexual relationships within the confines of the phobia."

"Haphephobia?" I ask.

"It's the fancy word for fear of being touched."

"Okay, that makes sense. So why do you have all the other stuff upstairs like the whips and the toys and stuff?"

Christian pauses for a moment, "Along the way, different subs have introduced me to other things they are into. Most of what you saw upstairs are items that replace physical contact. Whether it is a feather or a flogger or a vibrator, I seem to be drawn to using things that replace skin-to-skin contact."

"You don't like to touch? You seemed very hands on last night, and this morning...twice," I giggle.

"I had never really thought about it like that. Actually, I love using my hands to touch. I guess something in me must be drawn to touch avoidance or be turned on by it or something. But you are right Ms. Steele. I do have an insatiable need to put my hands on you."

He smirks as he moves towards me like I am dinner for the pride. I giggle as his hands slide under my shirt. His eyes twinkle with delight to discover I am wearing nothing underneath. He wraps his hands around my waist as he lies me back on the couch.

My inner goodness gets out her notebook. Bed sex, check. Shower sex, check. Sofa sex, check. My vajayjay is going to need a vacay after all this exercise.

Against Christian's pleas for me to stay, on Sunday I leave his sex castle in the sky. I return to my apartment to get ready for the week. In between loads of laundry, I catch up on work emails and skim through a few manuscripts.

I take a long run so that I can clear my mind and work through all that happened this weekend. I dissect my time with Christian from every possible angle. I come to several conclusions. My inauguration into the club of the sexually experienced was amaze-balls. Not only was the actual sex super-hot, Christian did a great job making me feel desired. Being around Mr. Sex-on-Legs feels easy. When we are together, I don't feel like shy, awkward Ana. I feel more like grown-up, sexy, clever Anastasia.

I process how I feel about my new bed fellow's red room of pleasure. I. Have. So. Many. More. Questions! Does he want to cuff me to the cross of fortune? Is sex better in the red room? Cause it is already pretty mind blowing in Christian's bedroom. Is there some sort of safety training and check-off process that one must complete before participating in red room activities? Did he hire a special interior designer to outfit the space?

On Monday, I make an appointment to see Dr. Green. No matter how much I want to think that my panic attacks are behind me, I cannot ignore the pit in my stomach that tells me I need to deal with them head on.

After work, Christian sends me a sweet text telling me he is thinking about me. We banter back and forth by text until I go to bed.

It isn't until Tuesday that I have the chance to sit down with the Foolish manuscript. Jerry and Margaret are taking unprecedented measures to protect LaLa's first book from leaking out. To my knowledge, there are only two copies of the manuscript. The only hard copy is kept in a safe that requires both Jerry and Margaret to open. The other is a digital copy stored on a hard drive in an off-site vault. The vault requires LaLa and either Jerry or Margaret to be present for it to be accessed. All of this secrecy is creating quite the buzz around the office.

The hard copy is printed with special ink on security paper that prevents the manuscript from being scanned or copied. Once the document is retrieved, I am only allowed to review it in a designated room containing only a desk and an office chair. I am required to enter the room without my cell phone. A member of our security staff stands watch inside the room with me. I am allowed to take a pen to make notes on a single piece of paper that is provided to me. I am not allowed to make notes on the content of the story. I can only jot down thoughts regarding marketing and press for the launch. All of these protective measures give off the air of something big just beyond the horizon.

First, I read the story from front to back. After that, I get to work dissecting parts of the book that I think we will focus on for the launch. I make notes about ideas for cover art, posters, and social media campaigns.

I also make a list of questions that I anticipate the media will ask LaLa during interviews. Since LaLa is a first-time author, our PR department will provide her with media coaching.

XXXXX BEGINNING OF TRIGGER WARNING XXXX

Foolish is the story of a twenty-something woman named Darci Vilhelm who embarks on a journey of self-discovery and exploration. Darci enters into a consensual, sex-only relationship with an eccentric recluse named Karson Blakemore. As the story progresses, Darci's sexual activities transition from seeking arousal to masking the pain of her own untreated mental illness.

My superiors are correct. This story is going to be a best-seller. While the novel's exploration into the world of sexual fetishes is riveting, the raw descriptions of Darci's spiral into mental illness are unlike anything I have ever read. The story draws parallels between Darci's mental illness, her insecurities, and her ultimate realization that she alone must save herself.

The Foolish manuscript contains a bit of everything – a dash of Cinderella, a flawed masculine savior trope, hot sex, unrequited love, self-realization, and unexpected redemption. In the end, both the protagonist, Darci, and the antagonist, Karson, come across as flawed but incredibly human. The story ends with both characters going their separate ways. Although the reader is left hopeful, no promise of happily-ever-after is made.

LaLa's descriptions of the BDSM lifestyle are incredible. She leaves little for the imagination in the erotic scenes of bondage, dominance, and submission. My breathing grows quick and I unconsciously clinch my thighs when I read about leather handcuffs, blindfolds, and pleasure-inducing punishments.

I am surprised to read about the lengths that the Dominant Karson goes through to make sure that his submissive Darci is consenting and feels safe during these scenes. Darci begins to confuse Karson's concerns for her well-being during their D/s scenes and his attention to her aftercare for affection and love.

In a misguided attempt to make him fall in love with her, Darci begins to let her Dom explore aspects of BDSM that make her uncomfortable. Darci mistakenly believes that if she and Karson explore his darkest desires together, Karson will inevitably fall in love with her.

Eventually the protagonist chooses her Dom's sexual satisfaction over her own self-worth. LaLa is very clear that the story's main character's mental decline is not caused by the BDSM lifestyle. Instead, the protagonist uses increasingly dark sexual encounters to parallel Darci's descent into mental illness. What started as a journey of sexual discovery and self-exploration now becomes the vehicle by which she masks her own mental illness.

Upon finally realizing that Karson will never love her, Darci attempts to take her own life. When Karson foils Darci's suicide attempt, she is forced to come to terms with her own issues. Karson ends their relationship and cuts off all communication with Darci. In the end, Darci receives extensive mental healthcare and learns that loving herself is greater than the love of someone else. Once she works through her own traumas and illness, Darci learns that Karson paid for all of her treatment. The story ends with hope but no reconciliation for the two main characters.

XXXXX END OF TRIGGER WARNING XXXXX

Wow, just wow! LaLa Robert's Foolish reads like a Thomas Hardy novel infused with a bit of Dickens and Bronte. After locking up the manuscript and reviewing my handwritten notes with Margaret, I head back to my desk. This is not the first book launch that I have overseen, but I sense that it will be the most significant.

Margaret's concerns with the book's release are two-fold. First, the book is going to face some backlash for its explicit sexual content. No doubt, some groups will call for boycotts and bans. The book tour will require extra attention to security. Targeting the correct markets will be crucial to developing a strong fan base for the story. Once a loyal following is developed, it is the fans who will keep the hype going through any controversy.

Second, while the erotic nature of the story will be a big draw to bring in readers, the underlying story of mental illness risks becoming lost between the BDSM scenes. It will be important that this book is marketed in a way that attracts readers looking for more than just erotica.

The rest of my week soon fills with meetings and phone calls collaborating with our marketing and art departments. Hannah, who serves as the administrative assistant for my department, begins scheduling the book tour. We are planning on releasing the book mid-February so that hype begins to generate before summer must-read lists are released. I book a private lunch for the following week with LaLa. I want to get to know this author better and prepare her for the whirlwind that will begin in the following months.

Christian and I plan for a date on Friday night. Until then, we continue to playfully volley texts back and forth.

On Friday morning, I keep my appointment with Dr. Green. She is concerned that the specific birth control pill that I take might be exacerbating my anxiety. She suggests that I switch to taking the birth control shot which does not have this type of side effect. I agree and receive the injection. She also suggests that I begin seeing a therapist to explore what has been causing my panic attacks. I leave with an appointment to see a therapist who specializes in these types of issues.

I go straight from my appointment with Dr. Green to my lunch date with LaLa Roberts. Hannah has used SIP's business membership to secure us a reservation at the exclusive Mile High Club. I am very nervous about meeting the new author. I am dressed in my best Kate-loaned power outfit. I am wearing a crimson dress with a gold zipper down the back. Kate insisted that I needed to wear nude pumps for a day time meeting. She referred to something about nude is for daytime and black is for after five o'clock. Being oblivious to the fashion rules, I accept her advice as gospel.

Any trepidation that I had about meeting LaLa is gone after our first five minutes together. LaLa is a petite brunette with a warm smile. She appears to be in her late twenties. We bond over this being both of our first times eating in this swanky habitat for Seattle's upper crust. We are seated in a private dining room where we can feel free to talk about Foolish without hesitation.

Margaret sent me to this meeting with the suggestion that I order a bottle of white wine for LaLa and I. White wine is light enough to drink with lunch but will serve to loosen up the conversation. After all, we are two strangers jumping into discussions about kinky sex and mental illness. Knowing I am a novice about these things, I texted Christian last night for his recommendations. When we arrive at our table, I am pleasantly surprised to find a bottle of sparkling rosé already delivered to our table with a notecard that reads

Anastasia, I am hoping that you and your business associate enjoy this selection. Consider pairing it with the strawberry and walnut salad with blackened chicken. Until tonight. – C

Swoon! I tuck the note in my purse and tell LaLa that a friend with wine knowledge sent the gift. She raises her eyebrow but doesn't pry for more details.

The meal goes smoothly. LaLa is incredibly easy to talk with. She shares her motivation for writing Foolish. After the end of a string of unhealthy relationships in her early twenties, LaLa experienced her own mental health crisis like her main character Darci. One of her ex-boyfriends ended up intervening and helping her seek inpatient treatment for her severe depression. It was one of her counselors at the treatment facility that encouraged LaLa to use her own experience as a catalyst for her first novel.

"So, even though the story of Darci and Karson is completely fictitious, I pulled from my own feelings and experiences to bring some authenticity to their story."

"Is Karson based on the ex who helped you get treatment?"

"No, not really. Karson is sort of a mash-up of several ex-boyfriends. I wanted his character to be sympathetic so I took the good things about several guys to create him. I also made him a bit darker than any one guy that I had been with. Truthfully, the way he controls Darci in the book is way more than anything that I ever experienced. I never had a boyfriend that insisted I wear a special wardrobe or kept me on a strict meal plan like Karson does in the book. Although, I did sleep with one guy who was definitely way kinkier than anything I wrote about."

"What? I can't imagine someone kinkier than Karson."

LaLa laughs, "Ana, BDSM gets waaaaayyyyyy kinkier than what your read in Foolish." I blush at the thought.

"Do you have any ideas for your sophomore novel? I think that your soon-to-be fans are going to want to read more from you."

"Hum…part of me thinks that I might be a 'one and done' kind of author."

"Like Harper Lee and Margaret Mitchell?"

"Well, kind of. I don't see Foolish becoming the kind of classic that either of those two ladies wrote. It has too much sexy-time to ever be part of a high school reading list. I see my book as the end to a specific journey that I was meant to take. I hope that I never go back to the darkness I experienced during that period of my life."

"I guess that sharing some of your experiences through Darci gives some purpose and meaning to what you went through."

"Exactly! You see, this is why I picked SIP to publish the book. I knew that the small, family vibe that you guys put out would be a good fit. I wanted this book to be seen as more than just erotica."

LaLa and I do not notice the time passing as we springboard into discussions about the book launch. I am surprised to learn that she is a trained artist with paintings in several Seattle galleries. LaLa does not want to use any of her original works as cover art for Foolish. She is still trying to keep her two lives separate. I'm not sure how easy that will be once Foolish is released.

Before we part, we make plans to meet up in a few weeks. I will email the mock-ups of the cover art to LaLa for final approval by the end of next week. She kisses my cheek and gives me her cell number before we go our separate ways. Getting into an Uber, I realize that it is already four in the afternoon. I stop by SIP to jot down some notes and send some emails about the cover art. By five o'clock, I am on the bus heading back to my apartment to get ready for my date with Mr. Smells-like-Sex-and-Wealth.