I gulp. I gulp again. It's him. He's finally here. As predicted, with the usual entry, as always. I thought something had changed. Mind you he usually doesn't introduce himself, because Natsuki would do it for him. He hasn't seen me so far, I'm just hiding behind Yuri's wide yet shapely body. Natsuki and Yuri approach him nervously.
"Seriously, Sayori? You brought a boy? Way to kill the atmosphere." Natsuki pouts. Oh jeez. Wonderful. From over Yuri's shoulder, I see Mike wince and tense up.
"Natsuki... That's a very rude way to treat someone when you've just met them." Yuri says in a stern but not unkind tone.
"It's fine, I already know him anyway!"
"You do?" Mike appears confused, and a little scared.
"Sayori's already told me a lot about you." Natsuki grins slyly.
"Like what?" Mike turns to Sayori. "What did you tell her?" He appears frightened, and I noticed afterwards he's looking for me. I shroud further back behind Yuri.
"Nothing bad I promise!" Sayori presses her index fingertips together and pouts. She starts to sweat. "No need to get so worked up over it!"
"I wonder what secrets he's hiding if he's that scared." Natsuki grins again.
"H-hi..." Yuri says shyly, in an attempt to gain Mike's attention.
"Oh! I almost forgot!" Sayori quickly jumps up. "This is Natsuki, she's the cute but assertive one!"
"I'm not cute! How many times do I have to tell you Sayori?!" Natsuki scowls and blushes. I resist the urge to giggle. "And this here is Yuri, the smartest in the club!" Sayori beams.
"D-don't say things like that..." Yuri blushes and turns away at the compliment. However Mike doesn't seem to paying any attention. His eyes are still scouring for-
"Well if you're the Vice-President," Mike says to Sayori. "Where's the President?"
I swallow. I have to face him. I don't want to. But I have to.
"Our President is right-" She stops. "Monika?" Sayori says, concerned. "It's not like you to be shy. Come on out."
"I'm not shy, I'm just-" I sigh from behind Yuri's shoulder. I walk around and approach Mike, the most ingenuine smile on my face. "Hi Mike. It's good to see you again."
He looks me dead in the eye and says nothing for a solid five seconds. His entire facial expression is vacant and unwelcoming. He is clearly not pleased to see me. Can't figure out why! "Yeah. You too, Monika."
"You know each other?" Sayori inquires. She glances up at Mike, who's much taller than she is. In fact, it seems that Mike is only just a little bit shorter than Yuri, but much taller than everyone else. If I had to guess, he's about 5'11, which makes Yuri 6'0, I'm about 5'9, Sayori is 5'8, and Natsuki is something like 5'2 or 5'3. Difficult to tell, I'm terrible with people's heights. After a brief period of silence, he breaks his gaze at me and responds to Sayori.
"Oh yes. She and were in the same class last year. We.. well..." Mike trails off.
"I may have accidentally embarrassed him in front of the whole class." I respond nervously. It's a straight up lie, but he's not doing a very good job of hiding how he feels about me.
He raises and eyebrow. "You mean they don't know?" He asks me quietly, gesturing to the other club members. I shake my head.
"Don't know what?" Natsuki asks excitedely. "Oooh I love gossip."
"Natsuki calm down, it's their private business." Yuri rubs her temples with her fingertips, but I can tell she's curious too.
"He told me he, um..." I giggle nervously. I smile sweetly at him, and he turns away, scowling. But under that facade I saw a faint crack of a smile. Still the same sweetheart. I smile again, this time genuinely. He sighs, then finishes my anecdote.
"I told her I liked her, and she freaked out and told the whole classroom."
"I didn't mean to!" I splutter. "It was just so much to deal with right then that I uh... just um... said it."
"You went: 'OmG yOU lIKE ME? WHAT!?'" I laugh at his terrible impression of me. "At like the top of your volume. I couldn't stand even in a five metre radius without being laughed at for the rest of the year!"
I laugh again. Just remembering it was so funny. It seems that he's going along with my lie for now. But I know he will make me tell the club at some point. I'm not ready for that. "I'm sorry Mike. I promise I'll make it up to you." I wink at him. He blushes again and turns away. God I'm such a flirt. It's like the one thing I'm good at.
"So... what kind of things do you guys do usually for activities?" Mike asks. He's clearly bored.
"Um... well..." I trail off. All of the girls look away in embarrassment. "This is kind of embarrassing... but we haven't actually done anything thus far. We mostly just sit and read or talk to each other."
"Oh. I see..." Mike looks away. I see him sneaking a glance at the door.
"Sometimes we write poems!" Sayori chimes in. "Like just yesterday I found a poem from Natsuki called-"
"HEY!" Natsuki shrieks. "Don't just say it!"
"Sorry... I got too excited..." Sayori giggles nervously.
"Natsuki you write your own poems?" Mike asks, interested. I see him examine Natsuki's tiny figure. Not in a creepy way, but I guess he's just surprised that someone so small could be so intellectual. "That's impressive."
"Yeah well!-" She cuts herself short. "Anyone can write a stupid poem, dummy!" She retorts. I can feel my cheeks bursting. Watching this act is just hilarious. It's like she's acting like an anime girl. Honestly it would be sad if it wasn't so funny.
"I'd disagree." Yuri pipes up. "Writing a poem takes intense skill. Analysing your feelings and putting them into words requires an intense level of determination and purpose. Being able to express oneself in such a beautiful way is a remarkable skill, and it's really good to start young so that you have more experience down the line."
"Hey! I'm not young! I'm 15!" Natsuki retorts. She looks back at Yuri. "But thanks, I guess."
"Do you have writing experience to, Yuri?" I ask. "Maybe if you share your writing, it might make it easier for Natsuki to share hers." I smile kindly in an effort to persuade her. She starts to sweat heavily and turns away from me.
"Ah. I guess it's the same for Yuri." Mike whispers sadly.
"Aw, I wanted to read everyone's poems." Sayori whines and slumps onto a chair. We all sit in silence for a minute, thinking.
"Hey! I've got an idea!" Everyone looks quizzically at me at my interjection. "Why don't we all go home and write a poem of our own? That way when we come to the club tomorrow, we can all share poems with each other!" Sayori jumps up, excited. Mike just nods and shrugs. Natsuki and Yuri look at each other nervously, then turn away, both shaking their heads.
"I think it sounds like a great idea." Mike responds. "If everyone does it, everyone is even. We don't have anything to lose really. I'm in." Sayori doesn't say anything, but nods excitedly in agreement. Natsuki and Yuri both sigh.
"I suppose I could... if everyone's doing it..." Yuri whispers, almost barely audibly.
"Ugh! Fine!" Natsuki groans. "I'd hate to be the only one not doing it, so I'm in too, I guess." She rolls her eyes, pretending to be very disinterested, when I know she's actually terrified. Can't say I blame her. I'm a little frightened too, but for a different reason. This is where it all went down. Where things started to go downhill. All because of my selfishness. I almost start crying, but then Sayori bounds over to me.
"Yes! And that's everyone! Aren't you guys excited?" Sayori jumps up and down, her hands gripped to my shoulder. Mike examines everyone's expressions and then responds.
"Well excited may not be the right word, but I'm interested to see how they'll all turn out. Bear in mind I've never done this before, so don't like, judge me if it's not good." Mike murmers.
"Ahaha! Then that's settled! Okay, everyone!" I stand in front of the desks and address the whole club. "I think that's enough for today. Everyone remember tonight's assignment!" I swallow. "Write a poem to bring to tomorrow's club meeting, so we can all share!"
"Yay!" Sayori jumps up excitedly. She grips Mike's arm. "Ready to walk home, Mike?" She clearly loves having Mike at the club.
"Yeah sure." He smiles. He follows Sayori out the door and closes it behind him.
"Um... hey Yuri..." Natsuki mumbles.
"Hmm? Yes?" Yuri turns to her. "Something wrong?" Yuri seems confused as to why Natsuki would want to talk to her.
"No nothing's wrong... I just..." She trails off and looks at the window. It's now cloudy, hinting at potential rain tonight. "I see you sometimes on the bus... alone... and I thought... well I usually sit alone too... can I like... sit with you? On the bus today?" Natsuki takes a deep breath. That must have taken all her willpower and energy just to ask that.
"Um... do you really mean that?" Yuri sweats. "I'm not saying no, it's just... not something I'm used to. Huhu." She giggles nervously.
"Of course I mean it, dummy!" Natsuki smiles. She appears much more confident now. "Let's go." She grabs Yuri's hand. Yuri snatches it back at first, but then lets her fingers intertwine with Natsuki's. I smile as I watch them walk out the door together.
"And that just leaves me. Alone." I say aloud to no-one. The clubroom is quiet. I'm alone again, as I should be. But this time I feel worse. Seeing Sayori go with Mike and Natsuki go with Yuri really puts the numbers into perspective. I'm just a fifth wheel. It's all I am. I guess this is what I deserve.
A girl like me was never meant to be loved.