I am back with another shoddy ass chapter! I hope y'all enjoy!
Everyone employed at the shady bar knows that their bartender is some sort of science experiment by that weirdo doctor the Big Boss is hanging out with in the basement (who are supposedly having wild, wild gay sex all day and all night but that's a rumor for another time). That's common knowledge really, but what they all don't understand his that their weird smokey bartender Kurogiri apparently has a girlfriend. A big boob, fat ass, slim waist, cute voice, girlfriend. Kurogiri, who lives in the shady bar's second floor and wears a pink apron over his crisp polo and dress pants. Kurogiri who carries the little hell spawn named Shigaraki all day and feeds it (they won't call that little shit a 'him' because little assholes like him doesn't deserve it) while making airplane noises.
"how'd you get yourself a hot babe man?" one asked as he downed his apple martini.
"yeah Kurogiri. Teach us your ways." Another said, swishing his whiskey in the glass.
Everybody in the bar was curious. How did he score such a hot babe?
"…she asked me out." Was his quiet reply. The bar was quiet for a minute before everyone exploded in surprise.
"she asked you out?! Holy shit!"
"if he can get a hot babe, I can get a hot babe too!"
"man! She's got the biggest, hairiest balls I've ever metaphorically seen!"
Everyone was either dying on the floor of laughter, broken glass and spilled booze around them or crowding the bar to ask for tips on how to make a hot babe ask them out.
"Gurogiri."
The baby talking menace said, donned in an adorable gray bunny onesie with a bushy bunny tail and a gray blanket in his hand. It was rather cute if he wasn't such a little shit.
"Shigaraki. It's past your bedtime." Was his monotone reply but carried the spoiled brat to the bar instead and sat him on his designated highchair, knowing that the little shit wanted him within his eyesight.
"hey Shigaraki. Have you ever met Kurogiri's girlfriend?" was one villain's question.
With all the hype about Kurogiri's hot girlfriend none of them actually saw her. They only saw her shadow.
"yeah. What's it to you." Was the child's heated reply.
"we're just curious." Shrugged the villain.
"she's pretty." He said, not missing a beat. "Gurogiri. Milk."
He was immediately served warm milk in his favorite gray sippy cup, his pinkies out to avoid disintegrating his favorite sippy cup.
"holy shit." one villain murmured, a hand raking through their greasy hair. "Smoke man's got more game than me."
~0~
"jesus christ. What the fuck is this shit." Shouta grumbled to himself as he read the daily news headline on the TV in his shared apartment with his two self-proclaimed best friends.
"huh. She is cute." Appreciator of all Types Beauty Nemuri commented as she shoveled a spoonful of cereal in her mouth as Hizashi plopped down between the two of them on the worn second-hand couch they got at a garage sale.
"well I mean, she's got the Idol image down pat." Hizashi shrugged as he handed Shouta his coffee.
"I'm not complaining about her Idolness. I'm complaining about what kind of agency is she even fucking running? First she's hiring random ass people and most of them are Quirkless! No hate to them or whatever I'm just frustrated. Now this? What's next? A council meeting that somehow involves the three of us even though we're not tainted or whatever the fuck she calls it?" Shouta said before chugging his coffee as his roomies stared at him.
"wow. You sure are stressed huh." Nemuri mumbled as she continued to chew her cereal.
"I think you need a vacation Sho. That's like, the longest sentence you've ever said to us. Ever." Hizashi said as he patted Shouta's shoulder in comfort to which he just grumbled before slouching some on the couch.
Shouta was about to retort before an inky black portal opened under their couch and they fell in.
"oof!"
Between Nemuri's spilled leftover cereal milk, Hizashi's now squished almost gone grilled cheese and his now broken coffee mug, Shouta couldn't find it in him to not snap at the little devil they sold their souls to.
"what the fuck."
"heyyo." Was the little (now a teenager in a sailor uniform) devil's greeting.
"aw man, the couch's broken." Hizashi whined.
"not to mention ruined. I spilled my milk on it. Ah, and us apparently." Nemuri piped up, flicking away soggy cereal that landed on her bare legs.
"I can buy you a new apartment. No worries. Now, let's start the meeting." The devil on Earth said as she beckoned the three of them over to her spot at the little circle of cheap plastic chairs. There were two other people who were sitting on either side of her and a few more scattered around.
"what is this, an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting or something?" Shouta snarked as he plopped down on one.
"it's an 'or something' more or less." The devil herself said as she sat with her one leg up on the chair.
"well?" Shouta prompted. He's always losing his patience with this turd of a human- he means his boss.
"welcome to our first annual meeting. Sorry for the shoddy place and cheap plastic chairs. I can't access my bank account right now." Wow. The devil even had the audacity to stick her tongue out as she did a peace sign. What an ass.
"can't access your bank account or can't access some random billionaire's bank account?" one squinted at their boss.
"either or." She replied, not really caring. "now, as an ice breaker for this meeting, I would like everyone to introduce yourselves to the group. You start." She pointed at the green haired woman to her left who was fidgeting in her seat.
"a-ah! I'm Inko! Nice to meet you!" the green haired bundle of nerves woman bowed slightly.
"tell them your job." Their boss gently said to Inko.
"Oh! I'm boss' second secretary." She simply said, obviously too nervous to elaborate.
"next." Their boss said. "and make it continuous. C'mon you're not in kindergarten anymore." She rolled her eyes. What a bitch.
"I'm Alabaster. I'm Interpol." The white as sheet dude briefly said.
"Joanne. Seamstress." A harried woman said
"Wallaby. Medium." The sweater aesthetic guy said
"pfft. Not a large?" Hizashi the troll asked.
"my cock's large." Wallaby shrugged, boredom evident on his face.
"I'm Dorothy and I'm a dimension hopper who is currently stuck in this dimension!" a dimpled farm girl with plaits beamed.
"I'm Nemuri. A Pro-Hero." She got elbowed by Shouta.
"it's fine, it's fine. We can keep secrets." A smiling dude with slits for eyes said.
"fine. I'm Shouta. A Pro-Hero." He grumbled.
"wazzup! I'm Hizashi! Another Pro!" Hizashi beamed at the group.
"Liu Bei. Triad." The smiling dude with slits for eyes raised a hand in greeting as he tilted his head to the side lightly.
"Zebedia. Russian mafia." a doll-like pale blonde woman said, a small smile on her face.
"Michelle. Italian mafia." an olive-skinned girl who looked like a high schooler said, disinterest evident in her face.
"Albuquerque. First secretary." a chill and professional looking woman said.
"and I'm Ilya. I'm your boss." The devil smiled. "now that we're all well acquainted, let's start the meeting."
~0~
Between running the agency, directing missions, and planning her inevitable world domination, Ilya couldn't believe she forgot to mess with UA. Not that she'd say it out loud. She's a god and gods are faultless; thus, she is the epitome of perfectness.
"Penny. Get Fuu and go undercover at UA. Corrupt every student and mess with the principal."
The hyper girl saluted before popping out of existence to get Fuu. Ilya lays on her beach towel and basked under the sun on a beach somewhere in Miami with a vessel who looks like she hopped out of a men's dirty magazine.
'well whatever.' She thought to herself as she relaxed on the beach towel as she released an airborne version of her corruption to spread through the beach. 'as long as I'm having fun' she gleefully hummed a tune as she let her corruption spread in the air.
"haa~ today sure is a good day."
I can't help but think about making some specials for the upcoming holidays. Since it's still September, I've got time to gather ideas for some shitty ass holiday specials.
Replies:
WhEdgy: did you like the pink apron? I made some more nanny with a pink apron!Kurogiri. I hope you liked it!
chibianimefan26: thank you for the kind words! I hope this chapter has entertained you as much as it has entertained me imagining it. Thank you for your support!