Chapter 8: The promise
Hope reappears... ;) Enjoy!
As months passed, the day finally came when John had an appointment with Vera and both their solicitors to settle the divorce in front of the judge. After a grueling battle, they had finally reached an agreement. He had decided to leave her their flat with no compensation, in order to obtain her signature on the agreement.
The audience was painful and quite humiliating, as Vera did her best in front of the judge to make him look like the evil one who had abandoned her. She had even laid her hands on the pictures of Anna's party on Gwen's Facebook wall and made them look like he was cheating on her. That was all the more ironic to him, because he knew very well that she was doing much worse on her side, but he had never bothered to collect proofs of her infidelities to wave them under the judge's nose. Anyway, they eventually got to sign the agreement, and he found himself in the courthouse's hallway, finally divorced. But Vera didn't intend to let him go quietly. Making the most shameful scene, she shoved past him, screaming, and slapped him in the face, her ring leaving an angry cut on his left cheekbone.
When he finally found himself alone in the street, he stopped at a nearby bar to have a coffee and take time to collect his thoughts. He felt relieved, and glad that all this was finally over, that this chapter of his life was behind him for good this time. Yet he didn't feel as joyous as he thought he would be. Indeed, for the last two years almost, he had hoped that when he could at last turn this page, he would be able to start a new one with Anna. But this dream was in a dead end. He suddenly felt an urge to see her, to talk to her, to tell her that the divorce was finally over. He realized that the courthouse was just near York's Royal University Hospital. It was about 5.45 pm, so Anna would soon be leaving her shift. The foolish idea shot through him to go and try to catch her as she left the hospital. He quickly paid for his coffee and set to walk to the hospital entrance. He took a position between the entrance and the bus stop, and started to scan the comings and goings.
At 6.25, he was starting to lose hope when he suddenly caught sight of her frail figure and her blond hair. His heart started thumping through his chest as though it would burst. She was as beautiful as ever, event though overwork had made her slightly paler and thinner. He limped towards her as she was quickly making her way down the street. When he was a few feet from her, he quietly called out to her:
- Anna?
She turned round swiftly with a look of utter shock on her face, startled by his unexpected voice. She couldn't suppress a spontaneous smile, that was soon replaced by an anxious stare, as she started shooting glances around them.
- John! What the hell are you doing here?!
- I was just out of the courthouse… for my divorce you know, and I thought that you were working just nearby and I felt like saying hello. I so longed for a glimpse of you…
She looked torn between joy and fear.
- But Alex is supposed to pick me up! He'll be here any time!
She scanned the street quickly, and pulled him into the nearby square, where they were hidden by bushes. She looked at him eagerly, as if she was rediscovering his features after so many months.
- So… that's it, you are divorced?
- I am, he answered with a smile.
Noticing the scratch on his cheek, she touched it gently.
- How did it go? she asked in a concerned tone.
He put his hand on her wrist next to his face before answering wearily:
- It was worse than you can possibly imagine…
- Well, at least, you are free now.
- Yes, I suppose I am. And very glad to be. What about you, he asked, still holding her hand. How have you been lately?
- Oh, well, you know… Training.
- Is it going well? Do you like it?
- Yes, I do, even if it's challenging.
- How long is it until you graduate?
- Four months still.
- Alright. I'll be glad if you let me know. You look well, if a bit overworked, he added, looking at her at arm's length.
He fought the urge to hold her tight against his chest and kiss her fiercely with all his heart.
- Thank you, she answered with a shy smile.
- I've been missing you, you know. Awfully. I've lived in such a fog of misery since you left.
She looked down, her cheeks flushing red.
- Me too, she whispered without looking at him.
- You know that I'm still holding to what I told you before you left.
There was a few second's silence before she answered, still looking down.
- I know. And I'm glad that you do.
She came close to him, to leave a light kiss on his cheek, just below Vera's cut, and murmured in his ear:
- I'm sorry, I have to go. Goodbye John. Thank you for being so patient.
And she turned around and left.
He stood there for a while, trying to get his head wrapped around what she had just said. Her words where no promises, but still… "I'm glad that you do", "Thank you for being so patient"… One couldn't deny that those were meaningful words… Was there some hope still? Of course he wanted to believe so, but was he not making too much out of those two sentences? He took a deep breath, as if emerging from underwater, and tried to collect himself as he started to make his way home.
Later that evening, as Alex had once again dashed out to the pub, Anna found herself alone on the couch, watching some TV but taking none of it in. This unplanned meeting with John had unsettled her. The more she thought of it, the more it looked like a sign to her. During the last months, the idea of leaving Alex had slowly but steadily build its way into her mind. She had come to realize that there was nothing good for her in this relationship, past the declarations of love that were never put into acts, and the apologies that followed every violent outburst. The only things that made her stay were fear, an ill-place sense of owing something to Alex, and her lack of personal income. Until she graduated and found a job, she found herself financially tied to Alex. Leaving now would mean having to ask for charity from her friends, and she could not ask for that for several months in a row. So she had come to decide that she would really consider leaving as soon as she could provide for herself. She would accept any job when she qualified, so that she could save, and go.
The joy that had flooded her a few hours earlier when she had so unexpectedly turned around to John's soft voice, had made her acknowledge that however hard she had tried to forget him in the past months, she had totally failed. Those few stolen minutes, the words he'd spoken to her had made her feel better than she had in over a year. Finding out that he had not forgotten her either, that he was, of his own admission, still in love with her, strengthened her resolution to finally break free. As she was thinking over all this, she heard the familiar tone of a Whatsapp conversation that had not been used for the last fourteen months. She smiled when she grabbed her phone and reopened the "JB" thread:
*Bruno Mars - Talking to the moon*
"I know you're somewhere out there, somewhere far away
I want you back
My neighbors think I'm crazy, they don't understand
You're all I have
At night when the stars light up my room, I sit by myself
Talking to the moon, tryin' to get to you
In hopes you're on the other side talking to me too
Or am I a fool, who sits alone, talking to the moon
Do you ever hear me calling"
*Am I a fool?*
She clicked on the link, and listened to the song, while pondering what she would answer. The sadness of the lyrics brought some tears to her eyes, but a smile crept on her lips knowing that John felt that way about her. "You're all I have"… She wanted him to know that she felt that too, but without getting his hopes too high. She started typing an answer:
*You're not…
I'm on the other side, talking to you too.*
On his own couch, miles away, John felt a lump form in his throat as he read her answer. Oh Lord, could this really be happening?
*It's been so good seeing you today*
*For me too.
But right now, things are no different
than they were a year ago.
Nothing has changed. *
His hopes were quite dashed by this last message. He sighed.
*Yet*
His smile came back as fast as it had disappeared. He had never felt happier for a simple three-letters word.
*I understand. As I told you before,
I'll be waiting.
Call me when you need me. *
The last thing he wanted was to put pressure on her. God knew she had to put up with enough of that already.
*I will. Thank you John.
Goodnight. Xxx *
*Tracy Chapman - The promise*
John had never hear that song, so he clicked and listened intently to it. Tears came to his eyes at the quiet beauty of the words and the melody.
"If you wait for me, then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me, if you miss me once in a while
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart
Remembering your touch, your kiss, your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you,
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me, like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart
Remembering your touch, your kiss, your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you,
If you'll be waiting
Together again, it would feel so good to be in your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise, if it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you, if you wait for me
And say you'll hold a place for me in your heart"
*I didn't know this song, it is so beautiful
And it makes me so happy
Goodnight Anna
I will sleep better tonight than I have for months*
They both went to sleep that night with a warm glow in their chest, and a light smile on their lips.
Four months later, Anna graduated as a nurse with high marks and praise from all of her teachers. As soon as she knew, Mary invited her over at her place to celebrate with Gwen. Before going, Anna called Alex who wasn't home yet from work, in order to avoid a jealousy scene later.
- Hey Alex? Yes it's me. I'm going to Mary's tonight, to celebrate my graduation, are you okay with it? … Yes, it's just me, Mary and Gwen, and we're staying at Mary's place, no worry. … OK, fine. See you later.
She hung up and went to the bathroom to get ready. While doing her hair, she remembered that John had asked her to let him know when she completed her training. She picked up her phone again, and opened the Whatsapp conversation:
*Hey there, Nurse Smith speaking!*
She had time to finish her hair and make-up before hearing the notification.
*That's it then? You're done? *
*Yep!*
*Congrats! I'm so proud of you Anna!*
*Thanks! I would've never
made it without your help*
*You worked so hard, you deserved it!
Well done!*
*Unfortunately, there's not position available
at Downton right now, but Mrs Hughes
told me she'll keep me informed. *
*Fingers crossed then.*
*;)*
*So, I gotta go. See you
Good evening John. *
*Good evening Anna.
Thank you for letting me know. *
She smiled as she went to her bedroom and started changing. She then took a bus to Mary's place. Her two friends welcomed her with cheers and hugs. They settled in Mary's sitting room with wine glasses and snacks. Mary had sent her husband Matthew upstairs to put their young son George to bed.
- You've trained him quite well! commented Anna, laughing.
- Yes, yes, I'm quite satisfied, smirked Mary.
- So, girls, said Gwen, raising her glass. To Anna, the new nurse!
They all raised their glass to her toast.
- How's Alex reacting? asked Gwen.
- Well since I told him yesterday evening, he pretty much ignored me.
- Oh, I see, Sir Alex doesn't like it when his girlfriend succeeds in something on her own… frowned Mary
- God what a jerk, added Gwen. Tell me again Anna, why don't you ditch the guy?
- Well, actually… she started hesitantly.
- Yes? asked Mary in a hopeful tone.
Anna sighed and continued:
- I'm thinking of leaving him.
- Whoohoo, reacted Gwen, raising her glass again. That's another thing to celebrate! Are you serious though?
- Yes. It's taken me a long time to make the decision, but I'm done. I recognize now that he is sometimes abusive.
- Sometimes?! cut Mary, almost spitting her mouthful of wine. Are you kidding? He is abusive, period. So when are you leaving? Do you need help from us?
- I need a little time. I haven't got one pound in my pocket right now. I found a job, I need to save a little so that I can afford a rent on my own…
- You can crash at my place if you need, said Gwen.
- Thanks Gwen, that's so nice of you, but I don't want to be a burden. I've been with the guy for years, I can hold on a few weeks more.
- If you say so.
- I'm thinking of something, said Mary seriously. Do you have your own bank account?
- No, we have a joint account, why? asked Anna, puzzled.
- Well, tomorrow you're going to your bank, and you ask them to open a personal account. Because, mark my words, when he gets that you want to leave, he won't let you have your own money.
- You really think he would go that far?
- I'm sure, he will do anything to prevent you from leaving. Take my advice, go to the bank.
- Alright, you're right I will. Thank you because I would never have thought of it.
- What's that job you found? asked Gwen.
- It's in an old people's retirement home.
- Urgh, commented Mary, that's enticing.
- Hey, I have to start somewhere. Those places are always short on staff, and they're paying, so…
- There was no opening at Downton?
- No, I phoned Mrs Hughes, she said she'll call me back as soon as something comes up. Meanwhile, well I'm taking whatever I can find.
- If only O'Brien could go away, said Gwen dreamily.
- Oooh, that'd be heaven, added Mary.
- Hey, you didn't tell me about the girl who took my place, how is she?
- Oh, she's nice, said Gwen. Her name's Phyllis Baxter.
- Nice, but not very talkative… Anyway, she's discreet, and minds her own business which is more than we can say about O'Brien, sneered Mary.
- I know someone who would be thrilled if you came back… AND, if you left Alex, grinned Gwen.
- Yeah, don't tell me, I know who you mean… said Anna.
- Is this why you decided to leave Alex? asked Mary. Because of Bates?
Anna thought about it for a moment.
- I don't know… I think the way he talked to me and behaved with me made me realize that Alex's behavior was not the norm. He showed me that another kind of relationship was possible, and that I could hope for something better. So that helped me make my decision in a way. But I had to make my own path, and I think I would've got there anyway. Maybe later though.
- Do you love him? asked Gwen eagerly.
- Gwen! protested Anna blushing. I haven't even had this conversation with him, so do you mind if I don't have it with you?!
- Alright… pouted the red-headed girl, disappointed.
- Let's say for now that he's a very good friend.
- Yeah right… muttered Mary under her breath, causing her and Gwen to chuckle in understanding.
Later, while she was riding the evening bus home, Anna thought again about Gwen's question. Did she love John? Smiling to herself, she had to admit it. Oh yes, she loved him. She was totally and desperately in love with him. It had taken her a long time to acknowledge the fact, but now she knew. And while she discovered the depth of her feelings for John, she also realized that she had never loved Alex. She couldn't wait to gather enough money to take her leave. She could have taken Gwen's offer and crash on her couch that very night, but she knew that her friend was not so wealthy herself, that her flat was very small. And above all, her own pride demanded that she managed to break free by her own means.
Come on Anna, you can do it!
(PS: if you'be never heard Tracy Chapman's song, I highly recommend that you listen to it, it is one of the most beautiful love songs I have ever heard.)