You were released from the hospital wing the next day. You contemplated whether or not you wanted to go to classes. Nothing spoke to you more than hiding under your blankets all day and doing absolutely fuck all.
You thought about what people would say. Surely, some would be sympathetic if you cowered in your room. But certainly, you also knew there would be people ready to feast on your vulnerability and weakness.
You came to Hogwarts to become someone. Someone who was more than who she was before.
You came to Hogwarts to forget your past, but you also came to make your parents proud. One shoe at a time, that's what you planned to do.
After putting yourself together as much as you could, you gathered your books and other necessary supplies and headed to your first class.
Nothing particularly memorable happened, though you did tune out most of your surroundings. Your focus was like a laser on your professors and lessons. Like before, time seemed meaningless.
When you finally trudged into Transfiguration, Professor McGonagall pulled you to the side.
"My dear, you'll be skipping out on my class this morning," she explained.
Not having the energy to muster much out, you simply muttered a small, "What?"
McGonagall placed a comforting hand on your shoulder before going on. "Professor Dumbledore has requested you in his office. Don't worry about missing class. I won't take off any marks. Besides, you are doing rather splendidly. I'm not the least bit worried about your grades."
All you could do was nod your head yes. She leaned down to whisper the password to Dumbledore's office. She then squeezed your shoulder and passed off one last reassurance. "My heart is with you."
You gave her a small half-smile before departing.
You knew Dumbledore's office was on the third floor. The entrance was guarded by a giant, bronze statue of the most hideous looking gargoyle. Just looking at it made you feel uneasy, so you quickly supplied the password as to not look at it any longer.
"Cockroach clusters," you said with clarity.
The statue slid off to the left and, doing so, revealed nothing. There was just a rounded wall with no entrances. Trying to get a closer look, you stepped past where the statue was just a moment ago. In doing so, the floor started to rumble gently beneath you. Then, the once solid ground began to move upward in a spiral fashion. More and more steps of the stairs were revealed as you realized it was a magical, winding staircase.
You rode up what was roughly a flight of stairs before entering the lively room that was the Headmaster's office.
Portraits of previous Headmasters and Headmistresses hung on almost every inch of wall. The room itself was circular and grand. Books were strewn about on bookshelves and tables. One of the shelves held the sorting hat. There were dozens of silver and gold instruments and unknown items that were buzzing and steaming. You were trying to take in the wonder of it all when Dumbledore's voice interrupted.
"Ah, hello. I'm so glad you came."
Puzzled, you said, "I thought I had to come?"
Dumbledore chuckled heartily. "While it is true that I did request you come by my office, you're at liberty to do what you want. I can't make you do anything." Seeing no reaction from you, he gestured towards a chair in front of his desk. "Please, sit."
As you did so, you sunk in immediately. This chair was the most comfortable chair you had ever sat on. Dumbledore had good taste.
"Tea?" he asked.
The thought of a hot cup of tea filled you with delight. "Yes, please," you answered.
Dumbledore gave a small flick of his hand, and behind him you could see a kettle being magically placed on a small burner. Two mugs were pulled from a cabinet nearby, and tea bags were placed in them.
Magic is awesome.
As the silence grew more awkward, Dumbledore grabbed a bowl on his desk and pushed it towards you. "Sherbet lemon?" he offered?
"No, thank you."
Finally, Dumbledore started on with his true intentions.
"I called you in here to give you my sincerest condolences. Losing your parents like that, it's not easy, I know." His voice was always so whimsical and calming. Looking deep into his eyes, you knew that he was being earnest.
The magically poured tea floated over your way, and you grabbed the cup quickly. Your fingers wrapped around the warmth of the ceramic, and you hoped for some sensation to fight off the full body numbness you were feeling.
As you were absentmindedly staring into the still liquid in your cup, Dumbledore said your name faintly. You looked up to see a face full of concern.
"Yes?" you asked.
Dumbledore drew in a short breath. "I can tell you don't want to be here, so I won't keep you any longer." Feeling guilty, you tried to snap out of your day dream. Though, day nightmare seemed more fitting.
"I'm sorry, sir. I'm just having trouble focusing. It's not you at all."
"I can see that this is troubling you greatly. Do you mind if I share a story with you? One I've never told anyone?"
Feeling remarkably honored, you gave your permission.
"Where to start...Let's see. I was just shy of turning 18. I won't go into all the details, but I sought power and a life that was dark. In pursuit of that power, I met a young wizard. We became extremely close. He had the same world views and ideas I did, but for different reasons. My reasoning had everything to do with my sister, whom I neglected in my pursuit. My brother argued with me about how heinous it was to leave her for our 'dreams.'"
At this point, Dumbledore sighed and slouched back into his chair.
"My friend, well, he used the Cruciatus Curse on my brother. We all became quite enraged. A fight broke out between the three of us. My dear sister was caught in the crossfire. She was trying to stop us."
Dumbledore always came off as strong, wise, and fearless. You watched as the old man crumpled a little inside.
"Professor, you don't have to tell me this story if you don't want to."
He lifted up his hand in protest. "No, no. I need to do this. I've been avoiding it for far too long. And that is no way to honor my Ariana's memory. No one knows whose wand shot the fatal curse."
The density of his story gripped every particle of the air around you. When he continued, you realized that he knew, more than anyone, how you were feeling.
"I struggled for many years, decades even. Always wondering if it was me who killed her. For a long time, I blamed myself. The truth is, none of us ever knew for certain. But if I just hadn't become greedy and lustful for absolute power, Ariana might still be here. Even if it wasn't me who cast the lethal spell, I have always blamed myself. After some time, I realized that Ariana wouldn't want that. She was always kind and compassionate, even in her fragile state of being. Ariana would have forgiven me. So, I chose to forgive myself."
Blinking back tears, you felt humbled that Dumbledore shared that moment of honesty and sheer exposure with you.
"Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?" he asked.
Unable to meet his eyes, you replied, "That I have to forgive myself."
In your peripheral, you could see Dumbledore nodding.
Exasperation pooled in your head, and in the moment, your outburst seemed justified. "And how do you propose I do that? Huh? I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't bother to want to go to any of my classes. I never want to look any of my friends in the face again! I'm a disgrace, an embarrassment, and a fucking coward."
Your voice broke at the end and tears took control of your narrative. You hadn't realized that at some point in your speech, you stood up. Defeated and weak, you sat back down and threw your head into your hands.
A long time passed in silence. Dumbledore let you cry out as much as you needed. When you finally grew back together, he started to speak again.
"My dear, courage, tenacity, and resilience do not engulf you overnight. They smolder, day after day until the flames grow bigger. Some days, the flame might douse down. But that never means the remains can't be reignited. The sorting hat is never wrong. You have it in you. Even if you are blind to it."
With all the energy you could assemble, you nodded and thanked him. Thanked him for being vulnerable and allowing you to be vulnerable as well.
"I suppose I should head back to classes."
"You could, but if you ever need a judgment free space, I am just one cockroach cluster away." He winked and smiled as he said this. You were grateful to have a safe corner of the castle.
You took one last gulp of your tea, gathered your belongings, and headed out of the office. Glancing at your watch, you saw that you could make it in time for your Potions class. You meandered down to the dungeons, but nothing could prepare you for what you would encounter on your way there.
The corridors were all empty and noiseless, except for the pounding of two pairs of feet. The sound was coming from a hall off to the left. You lurked quietly and peered around the corner. Your head quickly snapped back when you saw it was Draco and Professor Snape. From the quick glimpse you were able to get, they both looked riled and secretive.
You had planned to turn around and give them privacy until you heard Snape spit out your name disgustingly.
"You can't actually be serious, Draco. She's nothing but trouble. A distraction."
"She's the only one who seems to care about me around here."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I was under the impression you never cared about feelings, Mr. Malfoy. Not with half the school hating you and the other half fearing you."
"I never-I didn't know any better. I don't want to be that person."
"Wake up, Draco!" Snape hissed. "You don't have the luxury of pining over some pretentious little mudblood."
"That's rich coming from you."
"Shut. Your. Mouth. Before I sew it shut."
"Wanker."
Snape's voice dropped to an even lower whisper, causing you to creep back in further. "Need I remind you of the consequences should you fail?"
"No. I got that pretty clear. Now, are we done? I have a class to get to."
"Heed my words, Mr. Malfoy. I don't want to go around cleaning up your mess."
Hearing Snape stomp off to the left, you decided to play it cool and round the corner in the other direction, pretending you just showed up. As you turned the corner, you feigned with all your might that you didn't know Draco was just on the other side of the corridor.
"Hey," hissed Draco in your direction. You turned around and acted surprised.
"Oh! Hi. Sorry. I just had a doozy of a meeting with Dumbledore. I was kind of on autopilot there." It was a half truth. It still made your stomach turn to rot when you lied, but you knew that having heard their conversation would hold dire repercussions if they knew.
Draco's eyes looked you up and down as if trying to fish out any deceit. To try and throw him off your scent, you smiled and asked, "Walk with me to Potions?"
Draco's face shifted into a grim look. His exchange with Snape seemed to have rocked him. He kept looking at the floor in deep thought.
"Or ditch Potions with me? I've already missed one class. Plus I'm acing Potions. I can take a day off," you offered.
"You, ditching more classes? Honestly, I'm shocked at you, Miss Studious," teased Draco. He pondered on your offer for moment. "I could use some relaxation. And you never did get to meet me at our new secret spot."
Jabbing a finger at his chest triumphantly, you proclaimed, "AH-HA! I knew that note was a sneaky clue."
Draco grabbed your finger and then laced his fingers between yours gingerly.
"Ah, a Gryffindor who's not as dimwitted as the rest," joked Draco.
The backhanded compliment stung a bit, especially because you cherished your friends and all their qualities. "Hey, be nice," you chided.
"You're right. I'm sorry. Old habits can be hard to break. That Weasley girl is actually quite impressive. She's blown my socks off more than once. She can be right scary. In a good way."
You squinted your eyes at Draco in annoyance. "First of all, she has a name. She almost pulverized you yesterday, and she didn't. After everything you've done to her too."
Draco's head hung in shame. "No, no you're right. I guess I keep using scare tactics and insults because I worry no one would ever forgive me."
You cupped Draco's face with your free hand to bring his eyes up to yours. "Listen to me. I can't forgive you for things you've done to others. Only they can do that."
You remembered Dumbledore's words to you earlier, and you heeded them. "But courage, tenacity, and resilience do not develop overnight. Take it a day at a time. I'll be by your side the whole way."
"What if no one forgives me?" he stammered.
"Then no one forgives you. All you can do is the best you can. Acknowledge your faults and try to make up for them. If no one accepts that, it doesn't have to stop you from pushing forward on the path you're carving."
Draco nodded subtly and said, "Alright then. One day at a time." You ran your thumb over his hand in reassurance, and Draco moved in for a long and fathomless kiss.
The two of you hastily separated when you heard chatter drifting down the halls. Classes were transitioning.
"I guess it's too late to skip now," chuckled Draco. "No matter, we can't all have perfect grades like you anyhow." His face wrinkled up, and he smiled as he swiped your nose softly with his finger.
You rolled your eyes and let out a playful huff. Together you made your way to Slughorn's classroom. Professor Slughorn was standing outside the door and greeting students as they arrived.
"Good afternoon, you two. Fancy seeing you two together. Wouldn't have guessed it," said Slughorn.
"Oh, no. Um, we're just friends," you spewed out frantically. Truthfully, you weren't sure what you were. Draco was getting a kick out of your panic. He tried to suppress his laughter with coughs.
"Even as friends, it is quite odd to see you two side by side. And you might have noticed, I never made any mention of anything romantic," quipped Slughorn.
"Right, I'm going inside," laughed Draco as he entered.
Embarrassed enough at your awkward encounter, you followed with, "Yep, me too."
Before you could enter, Slughorn raised a hand in objection. "One more moment of your time dear, if I may," interjected Slughorn.
"You may," you shrugged.
"I have been extremely impressed with your marks in my class. You have an aptitude for Potions and are quite well-learned. By far one of my greatest students, if not the greatest this year."
"Thank you, I-" You stopped yourself before letting something slip that you would regret. "I just want to be good at Potions."
"Right, well you are on the right path then. All that being said, I want to offer you membership to the Slug Club."
"The...Slug Club?" you asked reluctantly.
"Yes, yes. It's comprised of my most favorite students. You've shown such great promise. This club allows you to interact with other great minds. We can all exchange great information, stories, and such. We'll all grow to new heights while making new friendships." Slughorn's lopsided smile was bigger than you had ever seen it. You could tell it meant a lot to him.
"Okay, I'm in," you declared.
"Excellent! I look forward to having you. I'll be in touch with information on our next meeting. But I wanted to ask you to be a member sooner rather than later because I'm throwing my famous Christmas party in a few weeks."
Your face scrunched up in confusion. "Christmas isn't until December. Halloween is in like two weeks."
"Yes, yes I know. But with the Yule ball being held just after Christmas break, I thought it better to hold the party earlier. Your good friend Ginny is in the club, so I'm sure she'll be at the party. You can bring a date too. Whoever you like. No judgment." Slughorn smiled a sly smile before heading inside.
You grinned to yourself, envisioning yourself dancing with Draco under twinkling lights. Maybe you were allowed happiness.