Why did I have to go and fall in love with the most stuck up, unforgiving bitch on this side of the Atlantic?
"You were in the bloody hospital! Didn't see the point of waiting for you!"
I pace up and down the Magic Box, trying to keep my temper under control. None of the Slayer's Scoobie Snacks are getting involved; they're too busy researching. But I know they're listening. With the way we're yelling, it's bloody hard not to listen.
The Slayer looks like she's five seconds away from setting me on fire. "We could've taken her together! And now there's a giant snake demon slivering around, looking for the Key! Which, in case you forgot, just so happens to be my unborn child!"
I scoff. "Stop acting like you care, Slayer. I know you're just protecting the Bit 'cause it's your duty, not 'cause you love it."
Her fists clench, and I know she wants to punch my bleeding lights out, but holds back. Because she knows I'm right. "Yeah, well… Neither do you!"
"Never pretended otherwise." I shrug, ignoring how agreeing with her doesn't feel right…
She shakes her head. "We're getting off-topic. You went to the zoo to confront Glory, without me. And this isn't just about me still being at the hospital."
"You're right," I tell her. "This is about you being pregnant with a tiny Nibblet who isn't indestructible like you are. If this Key was a puppy or a kitten, or even a little sister that appeared in your life out of nowhere, and not someone you're carrying on your person 24/7, then I would happily let you tag along so we can tear Little Miss Perm limb from bloody limb. But as it is, you're carrying a bloody baby. And I suggest you get that through your thick, blonde skull, before you lose your kid before it's even born!"
Buffy stares at me like she wants a fight; a long, drawn out verbal fight. But doesn't say a word, because she knows she'll lose. I'm right, and she knows it. Only she'd never admit it in a million years.
Her Watcher lets out a long-suffering sigh. "Buffy, it pains me to say this, but I have to agree with Spike. You have to prioritise the safety of the Key-"
She spins around, diverting her glare towards him, and the poor bloke nearly flinches. Not that I blame him. The Slayer can be terrifying when she wants to be. "Are you seriously taking his side?! You're actually agreeing with Spike over me?!"
"Buffy, you need to be reasonable," he continues. "We still have no idea what this Key is even for. It could be instrumental in saving the world. And if we lose it because you decided to be reckless-"
The world explodes around us as something throws itself through the shop window. I throw myself in front of Buffy as shattered glass flies everywhere. The Watcher, who's closest to the window, is thrown backwards and slides across the floor. The Whelp grabs his girl and pulls her down behind the shop's counter. The Wicca lovers huddle together under the table.
It's that bloody big snake, deciding to crash the party.
I get ready for a fight, and I feel Buffy stand ready beside me. I can't exactly tell her not to fight when the thing's here with us, so I keep my mouth shut and ready for the first attack.
But it doesn't attack. It stares around the room until its gaze settles on the Slayer. Then its eyes light up, and it turns and slivers away faster than it came.
Buffy and I exchange glances, and I see fear in her wide eyes. We don't need to say a word to one another.
It knows.
She grabs the closest weapon, an axe, before leaping through the broken shop window. I leap after her.
I can see it in the distance, its body moving from side to side as it tries to disappear into the night. My injuries from earlier scream at me to stop, and even the wound from where I took a stake to my side the other night twinges with an echo of the pain I felt. I push it all down.
This thing can't get back to the bitch with a perm. I can't let her get a hold of Buffy or the Bit. I can't let anything happen to either of them.
My face shifts, and the demon roars.
The snake stops and turns at the sound. It hisses at me, trying to look intimidating. I don't stop running and launch myself into the air, grabbing its head and tackling it to the ground.
"I guess that means I'm going low!" the Slayer quips. But there's not a playful undertone to her words. She's just as pissed as I am.
I can feel it struggling, but I manage to hold it down with the Slayer's help before my fangs pierce its scales. It screams in pain, and my mouth fills with the most disgusting blood I've ever tasted. I immediately let go and turn my head, spitting the blood onto the grass. What the bloody hell was I thinking, biting a demon like that?
Right. I wasn't thinking.
The demon screams again, and I look over my shoulder. Buffy is hacking her axe at the demon's body, chopping it in half. It takes a few swings, but she manages it. Even with it cut into two, the demon still wriggles. Ditching her axe, the Slayer pushes past me and begins punching its face repeatedly. Blood squirts everywhere.
I spit again, still trying to get rid of the disgusting taste. Then I watch Buffy until the demon stops moving. But she keeps on punching it.
It takes me a few moments to suss out that the demon getting so close to us sent us both in a tizzy. All I knew was that I had to stop this thing at any cost, and all rational thought left me. Not that I'm usually a great thinker in these sorts of situations anyway, but that was even crazier than normal. It made me barmy enough to bite a demon.
The taste of the blood brought me back to my senses. But the Slayer is still in throes of desperation; it hasn't even registered that the demon is dead.
"Slayer!" I grab her and drag her off the snake. She tries to fight me and I just hold on tighter, ignoring the warning zap of the chip. "Buffy, it's dead! You slayed it. The Bit's not on danger anymore."
She stops struggling and stares down at the dead demon. I'm content to keep her warm body against mine, but she comes back to herself and pulls away. Not violently, but still.
"The baby's still in danger," she said. "He or she will always be in danger, until we can find a way to kill Glory."
I nod, but I'm more focussed on the fact that she didn't call her child an 'it' for the first time. "We'll stop her. That's what you hero types do."
"You're not a hero."
"Won't argue there," I say. "But I helped save the world before, and it worked."
She doesn't comment on that. Instead she's silent for a few moments, before saying, "I love my baby. I… I didn't think I did. A lady I spoke to at the hospital said it's normal not to love your baby at first, especially if the pregnancy was unexpected…"
"You felt violated, pet. It's perfectly natural." I want to put a hand on her shoulder, but I'm afraid of how she'll react. I can't push her too hard, or else I'll just push her too far away.
And I'll definitely do that if I tell her what's on my mind right now. I love the kid, too. This baby's become more than just a little slip of flesh my demon wants to protect for some inexplicable reason. He or she is a person, one I'll give my unlife for.
But I can't say that to Buffy. She'll never believe me.
So instead I sigh and say, "You think Demon Girl will wanna cut this demon up and sell its parts?"
"Ewww! That's gross, Spike!" Buffy scrunches up her nose in that adorable way I love.