I didn't want to be kissed, especially when I didn't see where it was coming from. Annoyed, I opened my eyes. If it was Malfoy, he was going to get punched into the next dimension.

But it was Harry. His black robe flaunted lightly against my cheek when he threw down his bag and sat down in the grass next to me. His face was tense and slightly pale which could be due to the fact that sixth years had a lot of studying to do when the other part of the year was approaching and some barely saw sunlight.

" Hi, " Harry greeted me.

" Oh, it's you...hi. "

" Were you expecting someone else? "

His voice sounded stiff and weary at the same time. I realized I couldn't recall anymore what Harry's voice was normally like. No wonder – we hadn't spoken a word for the last few weeks. No longer I had to ask Harry to sleep in his bed, he didn't come near mine himself for a good while now. He had started studying almost as much as Hermione, which surprised both the students and professors.

I didn't answer and for a while, we were sitting in silence. Harry was crumpling a piece of grass between his fingers looking...lifeless, almost. I remembered times when the emeralds of his eyes were sparkling vivaciously like a testimony of youth and vitality. Now it seemed as if a light bulb was turned off inside of him. I counted the petals of the daisy growing in front of me.

" I know you don't want me anymore, " Harry said, " but I...I cannot go on without understanding why. I cannot eat, I cannot sleep, it's all I think about all the time. What have I done to you that you have grown so cold towards me, Thomas? "

The clock in the Clock Tower chimed loudly several times, signifying a full hour. Many heads turned towards the castle and students started to get up and gather their stuff to go back to their classes. So did I. To me, it was a way to end the dialogue with Harry, as we would be late to the class if we didn't move soon.

But Harry didn't seem to care. As soon as I rolled onto my knees, he grabbed my belt and pulled me back down. I landed hard on my butt, smashed grass stained my elbows and hands green.

" What the hell are you doing? We're going to be late for Charms! "

" I don't give a damn! I want an answer from you and you're not going anywhere until you tell me where's my fault in this. Don't make me use magic to keep you here. "

Maybe Harry intended to sound scary but his threat didn't intimidate me in the slightest. I knew he'd never do anything to hurt me. That was so like Harry – when something was bothering him, he could only keep his turmoils inside for so long, before he exploded. If I was in his place, I would act the same. I would want the truth. The truth I was forbidden to reveal, which seemed so unfair to me.

" Please, Thomas, " Harry calmed down and looked at me with a burning request in his eyes, " don't you think I deserve as much as an explanation before you leave? "

I had only one trump card left, but all the time I refrained from using it because...then I would lose him for sure, no matter the prophecies. Every time Harry asked me what's wrong, I postponed this version of the truth, persuading myself it wasn't the time yet, clinging to the other options available. Now the time had come and other alternatives existed no longer.

" Alright, " I answered, sitting in a lotus posture in front of him, " before I even say anything, I want you to know it was never my intention to hurt you. "

Harry was looking at me with his eyes slightly widened and moved aside a little to escape the sun that was shining through the bush of leaves right into his glasses, blinding him. I turned away my gaze. A ghastly feeling shot through me – that Voldemort could be staring at me through Harry's eyes.

" What do you mean? "

" I mean you're right about me not wanting you. That phase is over. "

" Oh, " Harry said and then kept silent for a minute as if thinking it over. " So it was just a phase for you? It didn't feel like it, Thomas. Things were perfect when we were together. "

" For a while, yes. I don't deny we had some great moments. And I was honest when I told you you're very likable to me. "

" And then what happened? "

I had to lie better. Harry had no reason to not believe me but I had to make the fabricated truth sound as genuine as possible because I couldn't afford to mess this up. This was my last and only chance to explain to Harry the reason behind our separation even if it wasn't real. You can do it, Thomas,I mentally encouraged myself, you have gone through many months already, what's a little more. You're doing Dumbledore's bidding, remember? I shrugged and lifted my eyes on Harry, who was eagerly waiting for a response.

" Well...you see, you and I, we're in that age right now when it's very common for teens to experiment. We're trying out different things in order to understand what works for us and what doesn't. Everybody does it, Harry. A lot of times the only way to find out you're not into something is by experiencing it. "

" So the whole thing was just an experiment for you? " Harry, sounding as if he was trying not to sound offended. " And what conclusion have you arrived at? Do you like girls after all? "

" I don't know. My sexuality has always been kind of a mysterious side of me, which I have never thought about very much. It's just that you and I, we got along very well and I decided it wouldn't hurt to try something out of the ordinary to me. I had never been with another guy before you. "

" Didn't you enjoy it? If that's not what you like, then why would you put up with it for months? "

It was so strange. I thought it would be difficult, but it was easy, too easy. With every word I spoke, I started to believe in what I said more and more. The lie didn't feel like a lie anymore. Deep inside me, a little question mark floated upwards like a balloon. Maybe what I said wasn't completely false? Maybe those were the little grains of truth I had never paid attention to? Could it be that Harry truly wasn't as important to me as I thought? A grim, somber feeling filled me from inside out.

" I did enjoy it. But eventually...I don't think I'm gay, Harry. I might be bi or I might catch feelings just for a certain person. But there's one thing I'm sure about. I'm not attracted to you. Not anymore. "

Harry was quiet, he had lowered his gaze and wasn't looking at me. He barely blinked. The patch of ground in front of him was bare, he had pulled all of the grass out, leaving nothing but dark brown soil. His Adam's apple was moving lightly as if he was swallowing something. Possibly tears.

" How long are you feeling like this? "

" For a while. I didn't know how to tell you, so I...started to avoid you. Honestly, I hoped you would get the picture yourself. It's not easy for me to speak about my feelings. I'm dumb. "

" You're not dumb. I am. I should have realized our relationship has burned out but I...I didn't want to accept it. "

" I'm sorry. I should have told you sooner. "

" That wouldn't have made a difference, Thomas, " Harry finally looked up at me. He wasn't crying but the look in his eyes reminded me of a wounded animal that's about to die. " Because I fell for you the moment I saw you. When you first walked into the Great Hall in September, I couldn't take my eyes off of you. I was so happy when you were sorted into Gryffindor. And when you showed you weren't indifferent to me, that was...heaven. "

" Look on the bright side, " I tried to cheer him up as much as I could, " you know that saying " out of sight, out of mind "? I'm going to leave very soon and you'll never hear from me again. You'll feel different then. I won't be here next year. "

" Neither will I. I'll go looking for Horcruxes, " Harry responded. " It's time to end this, Thomas. It's time for me to end him. "

Horcrux was talking about finding Horcruxes without knowing he won't return from this journey. I took in as much of Harry's face as I could so that I could remember him like this – alive, breathing, speaking. I knew I would never be able to forget him. No matter what will happen with my life after Hogwarts, Harry will stay in my memory till the day I die.

" I'm glad we had this conversation, " Harry said, looking into my eyes, and this time I wasn't escaping his gaze. It might be the last time our eyes meet. " Being in the dark was killing me and I do feel a lot better now that I know how you feel about me. It does hurt but...it's still better. "

" Sorry. I never meant to cause you suffering. "

In a distance behind us, I saw a small figure walking in our direction. It was professor Flitwick. The little Charms teacher marched like a soldier and we heard his mouse-like, squeaky voice yelling at us.

" Potter! Winters! Does my class not exist for you two? Why aren't you in the classroom? Why should I run around looking for both of you? Didn't you hear the clock ringing or what? "

Harry got up and put his bag back on his shoulder. I got up too, professor Flitwick seemed to be very irritated. Harry's black robe and my light blue jeans had stems of grass sticking on and we shook them off with our hands. And when Charms teacher had come close, but not yet close enough to hear us, Harry quickly leaned towards me.

" I just want you to know, " he whispered, " I'll love you forever. "

It took him no more than a few seconds to speak these words but the impact was devastating. I felt as if the Sword of Gryffindor had slashed my heart in half and professor Flitwick will see the blood seeping from under my T-shirt, staining the white fabric with wine-red.

Harry spun around and hurried to the castle in front of us and I was the one to have to hear Flitwick's berating about not respecting the professors and ignoring school rules. I heard him talking but didn't listen because I didn't care. All I wanted was to bury my head in the sand and disappear.

In the classroom, I took the very last desk with no one sitting beside me. I didn't listen to what spell they were told to practice. My look wandered across the classroom on its own and I found Harry sitting in the front and just like me, nobody was sitting with him. He had his wand in his hand, ready for the spell. Sitting at the opposite sides of the room, we were both alone.

Summer replaced spring even faster than the latter did to winter. It seemed that in less than a blink of an eye, the gentle warmth of the sun was changed by sweltering heat, tree branches disappeared in the millions of bright green leaves, the buds burst open, revealing the beautiful flowers hiding inside of them. Bees and multicolored butterflies were fluttering around the blossomed plants in search of nectar. Thick, lush grass resembled a carpet that you could easily walk on barefoot. On breezeless days I was drenched in sweat just by walking to the greenhouses to help professor Sprout reorganize her plants. The only shelter from the heat was inside the castle.

Classes were almost over and students were packing their bags to go home and enjoy their 2 monthly holidays. The castle became quieter and less busy as the school year was approaching its end. I did my best to spend a little time with everyone I had made friends with during these months.

Neville was generous enough to leave me Trevor, confessing he's tired of the toad just as much as the pet's tired of him. I let the frog into the Black Lake soon after and watched Trevor happily swimming around, finding other amphibians and disappearing into the dark waters, never to be seen again. Students from all houses were stopping me in the hallways to have a word or two with me before they leave. Almost everyone wanted to say goodbye to me. I had become something like a local celebrity just for being a Muggle.

Hermione and Ron prepared to accompany Harry in the search for Horcruxes. The fact that Harry won't be alone, made me feel a little better but even if he and I were still on good terms, I couldn't have joined them. It was a magical journey and I had no place there as I would only slow everyone down. So I talked to my fellow Gryffindors as much as possible, hoping to save the bits of friendship we used to share. I understood that they would always support Harry more than me and me breaking his heart could have changed their opinion of me. But even if that was true, they didn't show it in the slightest.

So when the day came for us to separate forever, Hermione hugged me and held me tight, telling me how much she'll miss me. Ron did the same. But neither Harry nor I made a move towards each other.

" Good luck, " was the last thing I said to him. Just that, no handshake or shoulder clap.

Harry looked at me once and his eyes were so full of pain it almost physically reflected from under his lashes. Maybe he too expected some kind of tender farewell like his friends got. But I wasn't able to. Now that I had torn all the ties with him, embracing him would be inappropriate, although I would have given a lot to touch his hair or to kiss him one more time. It was impossible now. I had made it impossible because of my soul.

From the windows of the Clock Tower, I watched all three of them departing from Hogwarts grounds. Backpacks bouncing on their backs, they looked like three heroes-to-be, determined to change the future, no matter what it might cost them, yet at the same time so vulnerable, young and inexperienced, heading into the ultimate danger. At one point, Harry stopped and turned around, looking up. He was too far away to be able to see me, but nonetheless, I sat down on the cold stone floor.

Here, nobody could see me and I let my emotions loose. I cried for what felt like hours, mourning something that probably would have never been mine even in the best outcome. Warm summer wind was drying the tears on my face and if my soul actually had a value of any kind, now it was howling in pain. It had been a long time since the last time I shed a tear and while I was crouching in the tower, they flowed free like venom that's draining out of a punctured furuncle.

I missed the supper and don't remember at what point I lost consciousness. However, the next morning I awoke in my bed inside Gryffindor tower. I was tucked in tightly and a jug full of clear water and a plate of cookies was standing on my nightstand. I guess I was transported here magically.

One by one the students left Hogwarts and just like I used to watch them coming back from the winter holiday, now I was watching them leaving for the summer holiday. A long line cheerfully snaked its way towards Hogwarts Express and I knew I would never see any of them again. Eventually, I was the only student left in the whole castle. Normally, the staff went on holiday too, but this year they all stayed in Hogwarts because of me in case there was a need to defend me from anything. And I felt guilty for not letting them have free time after working all year long.

I walked through the empty hallways and couldn't find a place for myself. Without that sound of hundreds of voices, laughter, and footsteps, these walls felt cold and unwelcoming. I spent almost all of my days in the library, turning over the pages of many books, and got yelled at by Madam Pince when I accidentally stepped into the Restricted Section. I only went back to the Gryffindor tower when the time came to go to bed. For I couldn't stand being alone in the vacant common room, the deserted dormitory.

Even though I was the only student left, nothing changed according to the care towards me. Breakfast, dinner, and supper were waiting for me every day like always. But I had almost lost my appetite and with it – a few pounds of weight. It became very eerie and isolating for me to sit and eat in the Great Hall all by myself with the four long tables totally empty. So I asked to have meals in the Gryffindor tower instead and the permission was granted. I would sit in my bed, slowly nibbling until the food was cold.

I felt incredibly lonely. Sure, I could go to Dumbledore or run down to the greenhouses to spend some time with professor Sprout who was still my all-time favorite Hogwarts professor. One time I even walked down to the dungeons to check out the Potions classroom that had always fascinated me. Professor Snape didn't speak much and although he didn't tell me to leave, I could feel he'd prefer me not to be there.

Sometimes ghosts kept me company. The Nearly Headless Nick would glide through the air beside me and tell me stories of what the world was like centuries ago when he was alive. Not that it wasn't interesting but the professors and even ghosts were adults. I longed for a peer to talk to and thought about Harry a lot. I wondered where the three of them were and if they were alright.

A week before my birthday Dumbledore requested me to not leave the castle anymore. In his opinion, it wasn't safe. I did as I was told without objections and watched the Hogwarts territory from the windows. There was an undeniable amount of tension around that I didn't feel before. The fewer days were left till August 25th, the more nervous everyone seemed to get. I knew why. The time was running out for Voldemort and professors were worried he might try to wreak havoc at the last possible moment.

On August 24th Dumbledore ordered the staff to secure the castle to the maximum. I watched the professors out in the courtyard casting spells one after another, until all the Hogwarts' grounds were enclosed in a bubble-like magical barrier. Inside, giant iron portcullises blocked every door that locked itself with a loud jingling sound. Spindles rotated and cylinders fired into place. Iron spikes, sharp as a razor, rose instantly in front of windows.

" He's coming here, isn't he? " I asked professor McGonagall.

" Not necessarily, " she answered, as calm and composed as always, " but we're taking extra precautions anyway. It's better to be overprotective than underprotective. "

Shortly before midnight, everyone gathered in the Great Hall. All professors had their wands drawn as if they were preparing for a war and I was sitting in the middle of them. Dumbledore's eyes were keen and attentive, he was sitting at the edge of the table, in front of everyone. Behind dozens of locked doors, we were waiting and waiting.

I looked at the clock. Ten minutes were left till midnight. My heart was thundering in my chest and I was praying inside my head. After all the months of hiding, just a few more minutes was all I was asking for. Around me, I heard the breathing of my guardians. Their faces were strained but they didn't look afraid.

Five minutes. I lifted my eyes to look out of the barred window and on the other side of the enchanted barrier I saw several black shadows. They seemed to crawl up and down, stretching and shrinking, feeling around to find an entrance, a weak point in the enchantments. My heart fell into an abyss and I pointed it out to professor McGonagall. She was looking in the same direction and nodded.

One minute. The ghastly apparitions looked like they became agitated, probably feeling that the valuable seconds were coming to an end. They tried and tried, clawed and jumped, unable to break through the barrier, always bouncing off of it or burning to death at the touch of it. Was it Voldemort out there? Or were they his servants? Anyway, they seemed to be out of luck.

And then the clock in the Clock Tower rang. Twelve times. It was midnight, August 25th, and the prophecy was annulled. I was 18 years old.

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