Chapter 10: Marinate

"Cooking again. How long has that been a thing?" Lightning swiped the jar of spices I'd been reaching for.

"Since Claire constantly gave me shit about not knowing how."

She turned the container over in her hand and let the flakes fall on her palm. After a cautious sniff, she licked. They were bitter and caused her to frown. "Sounds like me. I used to give Serah shit too. Didn't take the advice though."

"If it was anything like the drill she gave me, I can see why." I grabbed the jar from her to sprinkle over the bowl of marinade. "Advice? More like constant criticism. 'I don't like this; I don't like that. You can't make me eat those. Greens are evil. Only meat. Steak for life. I will live off behemoth forever, you can't force me otherwise,'" I said, thick with frustration. "It was less about learning to cook, and more about learning to cook things she wouldn't refuse to eat." I leaned back and tucked the jar in a cabinet by my hip.

"Serah was manning the household while I worked. She needed to learn those skills in case we were separated. I doubt I was that harsh with you. It's not like my diet would ever be dependent on you."

Sliding raw poultry into the bowl, I said, "You say that with such certainty. We were best friends; she ate more at my house than she did at hers. Wouldn't it be important that I know her tastes? You have such a demanding job, yet you neglect your nutrition."

She hopped up to sit on the counter while I washed my hands. "I am in peak physical condition. And we've been over this, I don't need to eat."

I tried to reach past her to grab a head of lettuce. My hand brushed the side of her thigh. The gasp that she made surprised the both of us. We had touched more intimately only days ago, but that had been an emergency. Here, in the kitchen, with no threat on the horizon, something else was taking place.

"Sorry they were cold," I said, holding up my hands. I'd apologized for the temperature, but not for the contact. Her skin still had raised bumps.

"Mine are too." She reached out to stroke the side of my face.

I found myself forgetting the lettuce entirely and stepping closer to her. All of the things I wanted, I wondered if she wanted them too.

Of course, she didn't. This was a Lightning who liked me as a friend. I was a peer only because I'd once followed her as a protege. I'd been upgraded by the age factor alone. And even if she did, on the off chance, see me differently, she would never be up front. It had taken Claire and I years to share a kiss. There was no way in hell Lightning wanted what I wanted.

I stepped closer until her knees pressed against my pelvis. Her knees slowly parted, letting me stand directly in front of her. Gods, I would have given anything for her hand to move from my face to my back. For her to let me lean forward and kiss her mouth. For her to let me know that she wanted me just as strongly. For us to start hastily ripping off our clothes, including that uniform of hers that had too many unnecessary buttons. For me to shove her bra out of the way to suck on her tits. For her to claw at my hair and frustratingly kick at my pants trying to shove them down. For her to make hungry little noises until we let go long enough for her to rip off her underwear and me to bunch my pants around my ankles. And then we'd fuck. I'd fuck her so hard that she'd leave scratches in my back and bite marks in my neck. She'd come in that near silent way she always did, gasping for air, like she was on the brink of death. Then she'd kiss me, rocking her hips, whimpering from sensitivity into my mouth, wanting me to finish too. So, I'd keep going, fucking, and fucking, and fucking. And then I'd spill into her, with her legs squeezing so tight around me they'd tremble. As close as we could possibly ever get to one another. The only person I'd ever let this close. Because as stupid at it sounded, this was love making. She loved me. It wasn't about the sex. It was about how I thought I couldn't live without Claire. But how I had been forced to anyway. Because this wasn't like her off on a mission, eventually reuniting.

This was like her dying.

"Hope?" Lightning asked gently, her hand still on my face. Her thumb brushed away a drop of wetness I hadn't realized was there.

"It's nothing," I blurted, finally snatching the lettuce and tossing it in the sink. "Can I take a minute?" I scrambled away, praying the tear had been a fluke and that no others would fall.

"Did I do something wrong?" she called as I locked myself in the bathroom.

Damn studio apartment. It was either the bathroom or the closet. How long could I hide in there without her assuming I was taking a monumental shit? I sat on the floor and leaned against the wall. The coolness of the tile smarted against my flushed skin. There was a series of muted footsteps as Lightning walked across the carpet.

"You can talk to me, you know. About anything," she said, her voice slipping beneath the door.

"Not about this," I muttered.

Why did I always find myself running away when it came to her? Adult conversation? Yeah, I'd rather pass. It boggled my mind that she had been so mature when I'd met her. I was now nearly the age she'd been.

I'd spent this whole time trying to be someone stronger than I was.

"You let me come to you when I needed it, let me at least do the same."

"This really isn't something you can help with."

"Come on."

"Promise not to get mad?"

"Even if you admitted to killing a family member in cold blood, I still wouldn't get mad."

"That's where your mind goes?" I said with an unexpected laugh. "I start bawling like a baby and you assume I'm a heartless murderer. What the hell, Lightning."

"Well, if that wasn't it, can't be that bad, can it?"

I could hear the smile in her voice. Her lips must have been turned up at the corners, her eyes bright and caring. I instantly wanted to see her face. Stretching up, I clicked the button to the door. It slid out of the way revealing her kneeling beside me.

"Hey, kid."

"Hey, you."

"Hey, dork."

"Hey, beautiful?"

She squinted ever so slightly, pulling her mouth taut. Most people would have read it as a prelude to her glare. That wasn't her expression at all. She was actually trying to mask embarrassment. The obvious give away was the subtle darkening of her already pink cheeks. She had freckles now from our time beneath the Pulsian sun. There were more on her left side than right. I didn't know how I'd missed something like that. The symmetry of her face was changing. The perfection that the Goddess had given her was disappearing in degrees.

"Ready to talk?"

I took her hand in mine, bringing them both to my lap. "I'm lonely."

"I'm here."

"It's more than that." I rested my head on her shoulder. "Etro took things from you, but you got them back. You have Serah again. Everything you love is within reach." My thumb stroked along an exposed tendon in her wrist. "I have nothing here. My father, my friends," I paused to lean forward so I could look into her eyes, "the woman whom I love more than I thought possible. They're gone. And no matter how I keep trying to push through, there is only so much a person can take." Closing my eyes, I settled back against her shoulder. "Every day, it hurts just like the pain of Alexander exploding from my chest that first time. At least I had something to show for it then."

She shifted, and I could feel her lips brush my temple. "Not everything is within reach. I always manage to disappoint those I care about."

"It's a short list. Serah always forgives you anyway."

Elbowing me in the ribs, she said, "I care about more than one person."

"I doubt Odin holds grudges," I said, tucking myself against her sleeve to muffle my chuckling.

"You'd be surprised. He'll refuse to transform into a horse."

"Stop treating him like a ride then. Give him an apple every now and again."

"I dare you to say that to his face."

"Don't you dare count Snow."

"He's the only one who believed I was alive and looked for me." She nudged me. "Of course he counts, even if that moron left my sister behind. How hard would it have been for him to ask her to join?"

"More brain cells than he has."

"Be nice."

"Ooh. What's that I hear? Is it more than caring? Does Lightning perhaps love dear 'ol Snow. 'He came looking for me. He believed in me. Maybe he chose the wrong Farron.'" I said playfully.

"Keep going and you'll learn about grudges firsthand."

"From you? Never. I'm gonna say 'I told you so,' when I'm the best man at your wedding."

"I'd never let you'd be the best man," she said with a huff.

"I'm not the best man, but Snow is still the groom?" I fell forward a little, holding my breath so I wouldn't laugh.

"Of course he's not the groom, idiot," she said, elbowing me again.

When I glanced up at her, she had the expression she'd had in the kitchen. The one that inexplicably made me want to kiss her.

"Why didn't you punch me?" I asked, suddenly serious.

"What are you talking about?"

"In Valhalla. You're a punch first, think later type of woman. But you bit me, and kicked me away." I squeezed at her hand. "You didn't hurt me."

"I'd never hurt you."

"Is it because you still think of me as a kid?"

"Why would I bite a kid?"

"That's what I'm asking."

She sighed. "Honestly, I don't have an answer for you. Just like I wouldn't hurt you, I knew that you wouldn't hurt me. But you did startle the shit out of me. And I still wasn't me then. Things are fuzzier there, when I'm in the armor, so close to the Goddess."

"And if I were to do that now?"

"Hug me?" Her eyes lit up when she smiled. "Accept it obviously."

She let go of my hand so that she could hold out her arms. I immediately fell against her chest, breathing in the richness of her scent. With her elbows hooked under my armpits, she held me close. Her hand clutched at the back of my head, keeping me in place. I could feel the rise and fall of each deep breath she took.

"Hope?"

"Yes?" I nosed at her clavicle.

"Serah may be at the top of my list, but that doesn't mean I don't know how to prioritize."

I wanted to answer with something to the effect of 'duh', but chose otherwise. Only Lightning would use her experience as a medic to triage people's feelings. "You're not at the top of hers."

She took in a sharp breath when I brushed my stubble to the skin above her collar.

"And I'm not at the top of yours," she practically whispered. "Otherwise, you wouldn't be so heartbroken." She rubbed at my back, trying to console me. She delicately combed my hair with her fingers.

It was surreal, being loved by her in such a nurturing way. By definition, as soon as Claire and I married, we'd be family. Yet Lightning already treated me like family. Just like when I held her in my bed, convincing her to calm.

"Thank you," I whispered back to her.

"I know it won't be the same, but would it help if I took you to see the Director's father?"

I adjusted so I could look up at her. "You'd do that for me?"

All of our trips had been in service of the Goddess and the future. Visiting a version of my father would be purely selfish.

"You're right. I can see Serah whenever I want. You deserve at least one person who'll accept you, regardless of circumstance, no questions asked."

"I already have one of those," I answered with a smirk. Her stomach rumbled against me. "A hungry one."

"What'd you expect? You didn't finish making dinner."

"It needed time to marinate, anyway."

Author's note: While I had designed a release schedule last week, I didn't end up adhering to it. However, moving forward, things will be consistent. I want to get this thing posted and outta my hands. I'm going to upload on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. This will give me a chance to give each chapter one final look over (hello, typos and weird extra spaces) and think of titles for those without one.