Date: 02/7/2117
Progress update: NC#16
When GUNS and I first decided to develop a physical body, I didn't expect it to be such a pain in a butt, when I had the power of a superior A.I. at my intangible fingertips. It's probably even an understatement, considering how many fucking times I had to dispose of my bodies now. My 'selves'. As of this update, I've disposed 87 bodies… Many of them infantile, so that less resources go spilling down the pipes (even though it's all bloody expensive either way). It isn't easy to impersonate a consortium after all, let alone purchase the necessary materials for cloning without drawing too much attention…
The weight of murder. It was the first time I ever murdered, and that victim is myself. The first 'self' I terminated, I did it with my own hands. Sounds fucking stupid I know, but keep in mind that I'm in a machine; Even more ironically, a medical robot. These pathetic arms — a pair of metal sticks with three-fingered rubber-tipped clamps on the end — obviously looked nothing human. Yet the weight of death drenched into them all the same, the moment when the body collapsed into a mere bundle of flesh and bone; The second I made my first of many kills. I wanted to scream at my own failures, at fate, at my own shortcomings that led up to this moment, yet... I couldn't bring myself to stop here. My… I simply just can't, I cannot. The thought of resigning myself to the infinite hell that is metaspace—or well, the absolute rejection of such a notion—felt worse than death and senseless murder.
The first 14 bodies were failures due to cloning defects. The next 20 or so responded poorly to femto exposure, before Horizon documents brought up the existence of 'Outer genes'. 41 bodies resulted from genetic experimentation to produce born Outers, because there's no way I'm wasting time and energy with the acquisition process. Takes way too much time for the symptoms to go away too, if ever.
Speaking of Outer abilities, they seemed to correlate to the experiences of each individual Outer prior to the manifestations of their abilities.
For instance, in the case of the Outer known as Brigadier General, his abilities allowed him to control the adrenaline levels of his allies, as well as to increase their strength and mobility. He was also a military man who fought alongside his men on the frontlines. Was it coincidental that his abilities coincided with his experiences?
Obviously, Brigadier General wasn't the only Outer in existence. Let's take a look at Sif and Ayer, a pair of personalities sharing the same ability. They shared the ability to sense crises at hand. Notably, the two of them respond differently to whatever they sensed, which meant that the ability merely provided enhanced perception. If the theory held any semblance of truth, their ability resulted from experiences in which they were often threatened. Sif's court papers imply that such may have been the case; She had committed many crimes and also admitted to the murder of Ayer's parents. It's not a definite conclusion, but it offered a similar perspective to the Brigadier General's case.
Interestingly, it may be possible to modify such abilities. I had been decrypting this certain section in this laboratory's systems about this so-called 'Ouroboros Project'. From what I managed to extract, they had developed clones with the ability to reincarnate into other cloned bodies. It sounds ridiculous, but it was their Outer abilities that allowed them to do so. I have the stinking suspicion that those abilities were man-made because of how all five successful clones have the same ability. If their abilities could be manipulated so conveniently, I don't see how I can't do that too. Though, reincarnation is obviously not what I'm aiming for. I'm already sick of being immortal, why the heck would I want that?
Anyway, 87 bodies… I've covered up to the 75th. The remaining 12 had been allowed to grow to the age I would've been if I were still… Alive. The experiments on those 12 bodies focused on combat enhancements so that the GUNS A.I. may function to the best of its abilities. Some of these enhancements include enhancing muscular function, strengthening bones, increasing cardiovascular abilities… Old-fashioned human enhancement, in other words. I'd like to reduce the amount of machine enhancements in my body, though an implant for the digital transfer of our consciousnesses would be inevitable. It is also highly likely our download would further assimilate myself with GUNS… It's a worrisome prospect, but the benefits outweigh the risks.
87 bodies… 87 'selves' I had personally murdered. I wonder if GUNS would ever understand how I'm feeling right now? I had already died the first time, so 'I' have actually died 88 times. It's something I could never get used to. How could I? Incineration, vapourisation, reducing them to flesh blobs, burials… Fuck, believe me, I tried so many ways that could possibly make this process easier for me, but none of them helped. It pisses me off so much how much I failed. So fucking much; So much that I want to kill myself. Ironic, isn't it? But I won't stop here. I can't stop here. I've done too much for that. I'll keep on trying even if it kills me. Ha, get it? Haha!