Author's note: same warnings apply as the beginning. Thank you for reading.

Cold Steam: I believe that, had it been Octavia, Bellamy wouldn't have been able to think and would have simply reacted. Maybe he would have been able to kill all of them without getting himself or Octavia killed, but maybe not. Pike would have never risked Bellamy knowing had it been Octavia instead of Clarke. I also don't think he would have ever had any chance of recovery knowing that his actions had caused that to happen to his baby sister, nor do I think she would have been able to forgive him. Either way, while this story does explore other characters and their responses to this, this is primarily a Clarke fic, with Lexa as another major character. I thank you for your review and appreciate your thoughts on this.

Chapter 18

When Clarke had woken up that previous night, her nightmare had woken up her friends, as they did every time. Bellamy slept outside of the cabin on the side that he knew Clarke slept on. He wished he could go in and help, but what little progress their friendship had made seemed to have stalled, or even reversed. He wanted to go in, wanted to hold her and make it all better. He was even a little jealous that Lexa still got to spend so much time with her; not in a romantic way, but he missed that close friendship and kicked himself knowing it was his own fault that it was gone.

The cabin was well-built, especially for how quickly it was put together, but the walls still had no insulation and the windows only had shutters that were kept open in the summer heat. There were plans to get it more insulated before winter and even thoughts of creating glass for the windows, but they were on the back burner. The cabin was set far enough back that things couldn't be heard from it by most of Arkadia, unless you were like Bellamy and slept under the open window. Then you could hear everything. Every whispered word Lexa said as she calmed Clarke, though he didn't understand most of it. He needed to learn Trigedasleng, but he knew whatever she was saying was comforting from the tone. She had repeated the same words every night in response to the screams from Clarke's nightmares.

He had watched as Clarke separated herself from them more and more. She was becoming unreachable and he felt so helpless and guilty. He didn't know what to do, how to help. It seemed like he tended to just make everything worse. Clarke was the one who made the hard decisions, she was the one who knew what to do in these hard situations. Now she was incapacitated and they were lost.

He heard Clarke move away from Lexa and thought about how she had started to separate herself even from the Commander. He didn't understand why Lexa didn't put a stop to it. He'd seen Lexa pull Clarke back a hundred times and was frustrated that Lexa seemed to be choosing not to help now. Then, he heard her whisper and let out a sigh of relief. Finally. She was finally doing something to help.

He nearly jumped up and went inside when he heard Clarke say that Lexa wouldn't have to worry about her for much longer, then felt relief and a strange sense of comradery when Lexa also caught on to what Clarke had said. It was painful to hear them yell at each other, but also somehow comforting. That was something Clarke would have done before.

He felt like he was intruding when things got so personal, but he couldn't stop listening, especially when Clarke started telling Lexa what had happened to her in the dropship. It cut like a knife, especially when she talked about what those monsters had told her about him and he fully understood why Clarke hadn't been able to believe he had come to save her. He let himself cry as things inside the cabin grew quiet. Not for the first time, he thought of all he needed to make up to Clarke. He also felt a huge sense of gratitude towards Lexa. No matter what had happened in the past, he would be forever grateful that she had been able to reach Clarke like none of them had, even if he was still a little jealous.

Those inside the cabin were having a similar experience. When voices began rising in the back room, Raven and Octavia both stood, ready to go in to try to help, but Lincoln had put up his hand and shook his head to stop them. This needed to happen, as painful as it was. Once things were quiet, they lay back down, Octavia going to Lincoln's cot to lay with him. All their minds were heavy.

Clarke woke a few hours later still wrapped in Lexa's arms. She let herself enjoy it for a moment before her fear and insecurities reared their ugly heads again and she remembered. She had told Lexa everything. It almost felt like she had vomited on Lexa and Clarke felt awful. What had happened was her burden to bear, not something to saddle Lexa with. It was bad enough for her to have just seen the aftermath, but now she knew every detail. Every gross, humiliating detail. What she'd said last night was sweet and comforting, but Clarke knew all too well what a night removed from something can do. Time to process and think was necessary, but not always good.

She started slowly removing herself from Lexa's arms, but Lexa tightened her hold, frowning in her sleep. Clarke sighed and waited a few minutes, allowing herself to enjoy being held just a little longer. Then, she tried again, as slowly as she could. This time Lexa both tightened her grip and mumbled, "Go back to sleep, Clarke. The sun isn't even up yet."

Clarke sighed and then thought. She needed a bit of time to herself, but she didn't want to worry Lexa, "I just need to go to the bathroom."

Lexa sighed, before loosening her grip. She didn't want Clarke to go anywhere, didn't want her out of her sight. She was still a little worried that Clarke would follow through on her plan. Last night had been a huge breakthrough, but that didn't mean they wouldn't still have to deal with it today. She sat up and said she'd go with her, but Clarke rolled her eyes.

"I'll be right back, Lexa."

Lexa fought with herself for a minute before nodding and laying back down, though she knew she wouldn't sleep until Clarke came back.

Clarke tried to get out the front door without waking Lincoln, Octavia, or Raven, but that was a futile hope. The second the door to the bedroom was opened, they all three woke up, ready to assist or protect. Clarke rolled her eyes again, "Guys, I'm just going to the bathroom."

"We're coming with you," Octavia said, grabbing her boots and pulling them on. Clarke looked down and realized she was barefoot. She shook her head; she was just going to the outhouses by the fence and wouldn't need them for the short trip.

"Octavia, I really don't need a guard while I pee."

Octavia shot her a look, as Raven put on her own boots and her brace; she wasn't leaving Clarke unattended even for that short of a time. It was literally her job to follow Clarke wherever she went, "Yeah, I'm still coming with you. Lincoln can stay and it's not like I'm asking to go into the bathroom with you."

"Besides," Raven chimed in, "I need to pee, too."

Clarke knew when she had lost. She sighed and waited for them to finish putting their shoes on. Raven looked at Clarke's feet and then quirked an eyebrow at her, crossing her arms.

"It's like ten meters away. I'll be fine without shoes," Clarke said in response.

"It's still dark outside, Clarke. Go put your shoes on. If you step on a nail or something, I'll never hear the end of it from your mom," Raven said, tilting her chin up a bit.

"And I'll never hear the end of it from Lexa," Octavia added.

Clarke groaned and went back into the bedroom. Lexa sat up and gave her an odd look. She had heard the exchange through the thin door and was trying not smile, but failing. Clarke gave her a slight glare. Her babysitters were becoming a bit overbearing in her opinion. She sat on the bed and put her boots on, but didn't tie them. She was just going to the bathroom.

They walked over to the fence where the bathrooms were. Octavia stood with her back to the one Clarke was in while Raven went into the one right next to it. Raven came out before Clarke did. She gave Octavia a tired smile, crossing her arms across her chest. They waited patiently, letting Clarke have a few minutes to herself.

Clarke just sat and thought. Her insecurities were trying to get the best of her. When had she lost all her confidence? She rolled her eyes at herself; she knew exactly when she had lost it. Then, she thought about what Lexa had said, that they had tainted themselves and not her. That's not how she felt, but maybe that was allowing them to still control her. That made her think about what Lexa had said about why she stopped kissing her or touching her first: it was to give her back what little control she could. Maybe it was time that she did take some control back, starting with remembering the way the Old Clarke saw her own value. She knew it wasn't going to be instant, but maybe she could be confident enough to trust Lexa… just a little. To trust that maybe her friends weren't being so overprotective because of responsibility, but maybe because they cared. She hadn't realized it, but she'd started seeing them as adversaries and not the people she had been through thick and thin with. She took a deep breath and finally exited the bathroom to her waiting babysitters. Friends.

She gave them a small smile that they returned. They turned to start walking walking back to the cabin when they heard the unmistakable click of a gun behind them. Octavia didn't even think as she pushed Clarke behind her, drawing her sword. She had the thought of bringing a knife to a gun fight, as she faced the man holding the pistol on them.

"Henry, what the hell are you doing?" Raven asked, positioning herself closer to Clarke in a protective manner.

"Caleb was my friend. He'd had a rough go of it, but he wasn't a bad guy. There's no way he did what you're claiming he did... and he didn't deserve to die," it was obvious how upset Henry was, his face scrunched up in pain as he kept the gun on them.

"He did," Clarke said from behind Raven and Octavia, more confident sounding than she felt, "He was an active participant. He liked what he did to me."

"No! There's no way! We grew up together. He saved my ass countless times on the Ark and then after we crashed in this hell hole," Henry had started crying, refusing to see the truth.

"He did. You can accept it and move on or you can keep denying it. You can shoot me and blame me for his death, but that won't change what he did," Clarke refused to break eye contact with Henry. If it had just been her, she would have tried to run or get the gun from him, but she couldn't risk him hurting Raven or Octavia. She knew Raven and Octavia would want her to run and get away, but there was no way she was leaving them. If she tried, he would likely shoot them when he saw her run. They might be able to take him out before he shot her, but it might come at the cost of their lives. Octavia might be her guard now, but she had no intention of letting her ever give up her life for her. Same with Raven. She wasn't leaving until Henry either killed all three of them or he was no longer a threat. She wished she had a gun.

"But why would he do that?!" Clarke realized then that this wasn't the case of a man hell bent on avenging his friend's death, but a man who had been betrayed by someone he thought he knew. He wanted answers, not vengeance, even if he didn't know it yet.

Clarke pushed passed Octavia and Raven, much to their horror as they tried to grab her and pull her back, but her determination won. "He did it because he gave into that dark part of himself. Because he was given permission and encouragement to give into it. He always had it inside of him, but Johnson and Pike helped to foster and grow it," she moved closer to Henry, his gun still trained on her, his eyes completely focused on her. She saw Octavia slip to the side, going behind the outhouses. She knew what Octavia was planning and hoped to be able to reach Henry before it came to that, "They might have fostered that darkness in him, but he had a choice. He chose wrong. You don't have to make that same choice, Henry. You can make a better choice."

She stepped forward again as she spoke. When she'd finished, she reached out and grabbed the barrel of the gun. Henry gave one last pleading, pain filled look at her and then let go of the gun. She quickly handed it behind her back to Raven. He ran his hand through his hair, looking down, then looked at her and whispered that he was sorry, so sorry, before turning and walking away.

Clarke noticed both Octavia and Lincoln emerge from the shadows, Lincoln still aiming his bow at Henry's retreating back. He had stayed back when they had left, but had kept a lookout. Due to both the location and the darkness, Henry had slipped by undetected, but Lincoln had noticed him just before he raised the gun. His arrow had nearly flown at the point and he only stopped it when Raven addressed Henry by name. He didn't want to have to kill the man, especially when Clarke started trying to reason with him, but kept his arrow trained on him, watching his trigger finger for even the slightest twitch.

Octavia grabbed Clarke's arm and started dragging her back to the cabin, Lincoln taking up the rear to make sure Henry was alone and didn't change his mind. Raven, even with a bum leg, kept pace with them.

"What the hell were you thinking?!" Octavia said as they neared the cabin, "You don't just walk up to someone that wants to shoot you, Clarke! You should have run back to the cabin as soon as you saw the gun!"

"If I'd run back to the cabin, he would have shot you!" Clarke countered back, jerking her arm out of Octavia's grasp.

"I'm supposed to protect you and keep you safe! I would much rather he shoot me than you!" Octavia yelled back.

"You should know better than that, Octavia! You know I would never let you die for me if there was any chance at all that I could stop it. You know me better than that. Lexa might have made you my guard, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to keep you safe, too! That's kind of what I do," Clarke squared up to match Octavia in both stance and wrath.

Octavia glared at her, crossing her arms in front of her. This was just like Clarke, always putting her life at risk to save her friends, more than willing to sacrifice herself for them. That's how she'd ended up in the dropship and nearly died, "I will never let you sacrifice yourself for me, Clarke. I fully intend to lay down my life to save you, if it comes to that. If you would stop putting yourself at risk, it would make that a lot easier."

"Then this should work out so that we both live! I'll keep you safe and you keep me safe, but I've never just turned and run when my friends' lives are at risk! You can't ask me to do that," Clarke glared back.

Raven, slowly coming down from the adrenaline and fear, burst out laughing, causing both Octavia and Clarke to turn their glares onto her. This was the strangest heated argument she had ever seen, both parties pissed that the other one loved them enough to die for them.

"What the hell do you find so funny, Raven?" Clarke asked, annoyance in her voice.

Raven stilled her laughter and tried to look serious, "How about we all just keep trying to protect each other with our lives and then we're all covered? Worse comes to worst, the shooter will get so confused that it'll give Lincoln a chance to take them out."

Clarke tried to keep her glare and anger, but the image that Raven painted of them each trying to push the others behind them to take the bullet caused her to burst out laughing. Octavia continued to glare and finally said sarcastically, "Yeah, it's hilarious... until the Commander finds out what happened."

"Finds out what happened?" they heard from behind them. Lexa didn't look happy. She had heard the argument and knew whatever had happened wasn't good, that it was life-threatening.

The three straightened up and faced her. Lincoln came up then with Bellamy and explained that a friend of Dirks had approached them with a gun. He and Bellamy were going to meet with Kane and Miller Sr. to figure out the next steps.

"You're laughing because someone intended to kill you?" As Octavia predicted, Lexa was furious, though her outward demeanor gave only the most subtle hint of the fear and rage she was feeling.

Clarke walked towards her, "He didn't want to kill me, he just wanted answers."

Lexa glared at her, "A man approaches you with a gun and you think he just wants to talk?"

Clarke crossed her arms in front of her. It seemed like the entire night had been spent either arguing or crying, "He only thought he wanted to kill me, thought that confronting me would help him understand why it had happened. He had lost his friend and was trying to find someone to blame."

"That doesn't make it sound any better, Clarke," Lexa said through gritted teeth.

"I know, but he didn't shoot me. He gave me the gun and walked away," Clarke said, trying to sooth Lexa.

"Yeah, after you walked up to him and grabbed the barrel of the gun," Clarke glared at Raven who simply shrugged. That was what happened.

Lexa closed her eyes and tried to focus on her breathing to calm herself down. She swore that Clarke really was Wanheda and enjoyed tempting Death to disobey her commands. This was that Old Clarke that Clarke felt like she no longer was and, while a part of Lexa was glad to see that same spirit still in Clarke, she hated the way Clarke always seemed to find herself in danger.

"Let's go back inside, Lexa. It's still a few hours before sunrise and it's been a long night," Clarke said, reaching for Lexa's hand. Lexa nodded and then she and Clarke walked back into the cabin, followed by Raven and Octavia. Raven handed Bellamy the gun as they left.

Once they were in the front room, Lexa addressed Octavia, "I'm afraid I may have given you an especially difficult duty, Octavia. It seems Clarke might have more assassination attempts than I do." Lexa could see Octavia was beating herself up, but this wasn't an error on Octavia's part. From what they had said, Octavia had tried to protect Clarke, including putting her own life at risk, but Clarke hadn't allowed it. Lexa should have known that Clarke wouldn't let anyone die for her if she could prevent it.

Octavia gave a small nod, still not smiling, before standing guard at the door to Lexa's room. Raven sat down and took off her brace and shoes, announcing that she was going back to bed for a week.

Clarke knew she was likely in for it when they were alone in Lexa's room and was a bit surprised when Lexa just pulled back the blanket and then sat to remove her shoes. Clarke sat down and kicked off her shoes. She thought about what would have happened if she had tried to run with her shoes not tied and wondered if Henry would have not shot her just because of how pathetic she would have looked falling on her face.

She looked over to Lexa, who had her back against the wall, her eyes closed. She knew she wasn't sleeping and figured she was still trying to calm her anger. Clarke lay down on the bed facing her. She remembered what Lexa had said about giving her the control regarding touch, and that she had decided to trust what Lexa had said. She decided to test that theory as she gently put her hand on Lexa's stomach. Lexa opened her eyes and looked at her. In them were a mix of so many different emotions that Clarke wasn't sure if she caught them all. She gently lifted her hand from Lexa's stomach and reached for Lexa's hand, pulling gently, telling her with her actions to come closer. Lexa complied instantly and she was soon in Clarke's arms. Usually it was the other way around, but she sighed, enjoying the feeling and letting the worry slip to the back burner. Clarke kissed the top of her head and then whispered that they should sleep.