The scout regiment rode out into the green pastures beyond wall rose, in a strategic, ingenious formation. The diamond in the sky shone brightly down on me, heating my skin and warming my soul. So, this is what it feels like to exist beyond a wall? White cotton clouds loomed over us in the blue sky, clear as crystal, and I was filled with a sense of euphoria. How could a world so beautiful harbor creatures so ugly?
I look around as soldiers break out into their positions in the formation, and I can't help but feel agony while thinking of the safety of my friends. Will Connie be okay? Will Armin? With every mission, less and less scouts return, at least alive, or with bodies that are even recognizable. I can't but help but dread that these friends, these scouts, that I've come to love, will end up in a dead pile of bodies mangled beyond recognition.
But even more so than that, there's already one face I don't recognize among those of the scouts. My own. I peer at Eren, who is riding fiercely on his horse in the middle of the formation. Levi leads us, and Eld, Gunther, Petra, Olou and I surround Eren in a protective diamond formation. As my gaze burns into the back of his chestnut locks, I think back to horrible argument we had.
The energy between Eren and I has suddenly turned cold. I have no idea why, but he won't speak to me, look at me, or even come near me. In the instances where he has absolutely no choice but to interact with me, he is curt and abrasive.
'What's his problem' I think to myself. Every time he cuts fierce eyes at me, or huffs in my presence, all I can wonder is what his problem is. If he's upset with me, the very least he could do is tell me why, right? We're supposed to be good friends, and yet I'm being treated like some random bitch he can't stand. It's weird to me how he can just start being so mean to me out of nowhere, so I confront him.
After the rest of the squad leaves the dinner hall and retreats to their rooms, I ask Eren to hang back before he returns to his basement. He complies begrudgingly.
"What do you want Mahala" he asks with a roll of his eyes. Clearly, he doesn't want to play nice, and so I won't even try.
"I want to know what your problem is. That's what I want. Whenever I'm around you give me the nastiest attitude, and it's bullshit. Why suddenly do you want to be such a jerk to me?" I ask fiercely. I don't usually have the confidence to speak up for myself, but if there's one person who taught me to never allow myself to be mistreated it's Eren.
"Like you even care. Spare me the fake concern. Do us all a favor and stop pretending like you care about me, and stop pretending to be some nice caring girl. You showed me your true colors" He says with a huff and another roll of his eyes.
"If I didn't care I wouldn't have asked. Do you honestly think I'd waste my time asking you shit I don't care about, knowing what waits for me on the other side of the wall in a few days? Where is all this even coming from? What colors did I show you?" I spit back quickly.
Eren chuckles darkly and deadpans his gaze at me.
"I saw you with Levi, basically crawling in his lap" he spits. I freeze at the mention of Levi, knowing exactly what he's talking about.
"Exactly. You were practically begging him to give you the time of day. Who does that? Begging their superior to be romantically involved with them? Are you that lonely Mahala, has your past left you that insecure? You'll throw yourself at me, and then try to fuck the captain?" he says darkly. His eyes are filled with so much hate as he's looking at me, so much hurt and betrayal. I can't speak at all.
"Nothing to say? It's because you know I'm right. And I saw the way Petra was looking at you. Blushing and hiding her cheeks like some schoolgirl. Did you make advances to her too? Did you make empty promises to her too? Are you that much of a slut?" he asks, basically yelling at this point.
"It doesn't matter either way. I don't even know why you're on this squad. It's not like you care." He says smugly. I think this may have been my breaking point. I can admit when I'm wrong, and I can understand his hurt. But were we not friends? Have we not known each other for three years? Is this how you fight with a friend, is this how you let them know you're hurt?
And then to say I don't care. To say that I don't care about him, how could he ever say that?
"Eren. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I played with your emotions, but to say that I don't care about you? You're the fucking reason I'm here! There were so many times I was going to give up, so many times I was going to leave, but I joined the scouts for you! I joined the Levi squad for YOU! How dare you fucking say I don't care, when my only fucking purpose of being here is to fucking die to make sure that you live?" I screamed. My voice is hoarse and thick with tears and frustration.
"You can be fucking mad! I get it. But to throw my past in my face? To mock me like these past three years have meant nothing?" I cry out. Some of the anger in Eren's stare has disappeared, and his smug hateful face has drooped into a frown, but it's too late for regret. We both dug ourselves a grave, and I'm hitting the final nails in the coffin.
"I'm sorry that I almost kissed you! I'm sorry that I even spoke to the captain about you! But do I not deserve love? Happiness? I've spent my whole life unloved, uncared for! I'm second to Mikasa. I'm second to Armin! I never get a fucking chance to forget it! I'm nothing but titan fodder in the eyes of everyone else, so long as you survive! I'm about to go on an expedition that I realistically won't survive for you. So, I'm sorry that I sought out some human connection. I'm sorry that I want to feel like I matter for once!" my voice cracks out.
Eren was crying now too. His emerald eyes filled to the brim with tears, his cheeks red and his lips quivering, but not this time. I won't let those tears chain me to hell ever again.
"You know what's saddest of all? You really were my best friend. I know I wasn't yours, but I've never loved anyone more than I've loved you. I was ready to die for you. I wanted to die for you." I let out solemnly. I wiped the tears from my eyes and straightened my back.
"But now, when my inevitable death grips me by my throat, and my life is swallowed away for your sake, all I'll feel is regret. I don't get to be the hero anymore. I'm just another disposable soldier for Eren Yeager." That would've made me feel so proud before. Now I feel nothing.
Eren and I have fought before, but never like that. I never thought we would be strangers to one another, yet here we are. Part of me can't help but blame myself though.
Am I really a slut? Am I so deprived of love, and touch, and intimacy that I'll throw myself at anyone? Was I throwing myself at Eren and the Captain? I love Eren, but I'm drawn to the captain as well. Every time I'm near him, despite the nerves he gives me, I feel a relaxing sense of familiarity like I've known him my whole life.
I guess I can't worry about that right now, though. My only job is to protect Eren. Don't feel, don't think, don't do anything but march on till the bitter end, for a boy that hates my guts.