Kylo Ren awoke feeling better than he had in a very long while. It took him a few moments to recall why that might be. Rey. She'd helped him, in spite of knowing what he truly was. She'd shown compassion towards him, which was an experience that had become foreign to him. He was partly irritated by this; it was a weakening of his resolve, proof that he wasn't nearly as self-reliant as he strove to be. He had lost the ability to control the nightmare; not just that night, but the one before that too. And he hadn't seen an end in sight before he turned to find Rey watching him at his worst, and instead of leaving him to his suffering, she had held out her hand to give him reprieve from his self-inflicted torture.
He didn't understand it, but for once, he wasn't trying to force it to make sense. She'd learn eventually that it was best to treat him as an enemy. At the moment, he couldn't work up the motivation to teach her otherwise.
As for his current predicament, he'd experienced this before: recurring nightmares and even persistent mental images during his waking hours. That was partially how he'd figured out how to take control of his dreams to begin with, though sometimes—like in this case—he wasn't able to until the initial shock wore off. Sometimes it was a week, and sometimes several months. He hoped it wasn't the latter. Last time it happened, he'd become a shell of himself, hardly able to focus on using the Force at all, let alone effectively.
He decided that, given the free time he was facing and the fact that he had gotten a good enough rest to focus once more, he should spend some time in meditation. It wasn't a practice that Snoke particularly sanctioned, but it was a habit that had been instilled in Kylo Ren from childhood during his training, and he found it comforting during times of particularly high stress.
He settled onto the center of the cot, crossing his legs and closing his eyes, stepping into the quiet darkness of his own mind. The persistent image of Endor menaced from nearby, but this time he was able to avoid it and instead stepped onto a broad beach, the sands glittering in the waning sunlight, the water crashing with soothing regularity against the shoreline. He walked along the interface of water and earth for some time, distantly feeling his body adjust to the relaxation, muscles loosening after what seemed like months of constant tension. He could still feel the memories of Endor lurking just outside this space, so he kept a measure of protection up against their intrusion, but the respite from them had strengthened him.
As the sun slowly sank towards the horizon, the shadows in the hollows of the sand began to deepen, the ocean darkening from the clear aqua-blue to a deep grey. He felt the cooling of the ground beneath his feet, the slow slide into twilight that brought him deeper into the meditation. As the sparkling of the sand faded and the sky faded to dusk, Kylo Ren walked towards a rocky outcropping before him. The tide had receded from it, leaving a glimmering pool behind. He knelt before it and looked at the surface of the water, which reflected back the stars above but not his own image. Kylo Ren reached out and touched the surface, the ripples spreading across the surface, the water distorting and the reflections of the stars fading, replaced by something different.
The face of his mother looked back at him, and Kylo Ren had to struggle to maintain the level of mediation as his habitual rage flared. Her dark, intelligent eyes regarded him.
You put too much on me, he told her.
You were strong enough to bear the responsibilities I delegated to you, she replied. Kylo Ren knew she was just a part of his own mind and not his actual mother, but he couldn't help but feel that old sense of abandonment at the words.
You sacrificed me, he snarled. You were willing to pay that price.
I would give anything for the cause, she agreed. There is no price too high.
But there should be! You should never have let Luke… He stopped, realizing that his anger was about to take over him. He forced himself to breathe, to calm his heartbeat. By the time he looked back down into the pool, a different face gazed back at him.
I didn't agree with it, his father told him. I didn't want you to go.
But you didn't stop me, Kylo Ren spat. His father's aging face looked sorrowful.
Come home, son, he said, but Kylo Ren was finished with him and dismissed the image by swiping the water with his fingertips. By the time the ripples resolved back into an image, he was regretting his decision to enter meditation at all. This always happened, though it was a little different every time.
He returned his attention to the pool to find Snoke staring back at him. Kylo Ren couldn't help the slight recoil from the power of Snoke's gaze.
My young apprentice, he said, if you do not reign yourself in, I will find the chinks in your armor and wedge them open. Your lack of control is disappointing.
This was a solid piece of advice, and one that Kylo Ren would take to heart. He couldn't afford to let Snoke see deep into his mind, and given how erratically he'd been acting lately, that was exactly what would happen if he wasn't careful.
I don't care about your disappointment, he told the reflection, a bit childishly. But this space was where he could say and do whatever he pleased without consequences.
He eyed the pool, knowing what face would appear next. However, when Snoke's face faded, he was left staring at the star reflections once more. He frowned, leaning back from the water's edge. Why couldn't he summon Rey's reflection too?
Something caught his eye, and he looked back at the water. There, in the very edge of the pool, he noticed a spot that held no stars. He touched the pool's surface, but the ripples didn't dispel it. He looked up at the sky, but there was no corresponding blankness: the night sky was burgeoning with cold, glimmering lights. As he watched the spot in the pool, the blackness spread, extinguishing the stars one by one.
He followed it with his consciousness, pouring himself into the pool and heading towards the darkness that bled out among the bright splay of distant stars. He sensed that this was no longer part of his mind, and that he was now traveling via the Force in the deepest level of meditation. Before, when he'd reached this state, he had been unable to sustain it for any meaningful amount of time. Now it was effortless, and he flung himself into the current of the Force with no more choice over where he was going than a leaf fallen into a stream. He experienced a moment of trepidation over this, but then the Dark Force gripped him more tightly, washing away fear that had suddenly become irrelevant. The blankness spread before him, blotting out all light, until he was faced with only darkness, deeper than mere absence of light, vaster than he could fully comprehend. Terror struck through him, bringing him back to enough of a sense to know that he did not want to see…whatever that was, anymore.
He jolted, his heart thudding as he opened his eyes and found himself still on his cot. What did he just see? The Force had shown it to him…but why?
Kylo Ren ran a hand over his face and found that it was covered in sweat. He rose, heading to the washstand, and found that he felt exhausted in spite of his deep rest the night before. Splashing water on his face from the silver bowl made him feel marginally better, though shakiness pervaded his entire body. What was that? He'd never encountered anything like that before. It had been an...absence. A lack. But a lack of what, he couldn't say. Just that every sense he possessed had informed him that they received no input from it whatsoever.
Dressing made him feel marginally less unsettled, as though the extra layer of clothing was one more tiny barrier between him and that…thing. Before he left the room, he paused, remembering how his mind had not allowed a representation of Rey to appear in the pool of water, consciously or unconsciously. It was strange; he'd have to ponder why that had been so. But later. For now, he had work to do.