Chapter VII: Bismuth

Bismuth had heard stories from Pearl and the other Gems about how Steven could be a one track mind whenever he was in a fight with somebody.

She'd been poofed by the young Diamond before. Not her proudest moment to be sure.

But she had never seen him where she'd doubted his sanity, where he'd gone like the Summer Where It All Went Wrong.

Now she was getting an idea.

"Again." Steven panted from in front of her anvil.

She winced. "Steven, are you sure you're…"

"Again." He insisted, shaking his head. There was a headstrong fire in his eyes, truly fearsome and Bismuth knew arguing was futile.

She sighed and tapped the modified Gem destabilizer against his chest. He erupted in yellow lines like electricity. He stiffened slightly, letting out a groan, head hanging and curls drooping.

Bismuth immediately jerked the wand back, regretting the move immediately.

"Are you okay? Was it-"

"It's not enough." Steven interrupted, practically growling in frustration as his head lifted. The tap had hurt but he could still move through it had he wanted to. But he deserved this, deserved worse. That pain was a mere blip in an ocean of what he owed.

Bismuth on the other end, only felt relieved. She was also a little freaked out. The half Gem had broken a sweat but he was far from being incapacitated.

"That destabilizer crossed with a cattle prod should be enough to scramble your gem." Bismuth stated weakly.

He took the wand from her by the handle and took it over to her forge, easing it back into the flame and grabbing a hammer.

She wasn't religious but she felt like praying to every Earth god that her anvil would survive this wouldn't hurt either.

"Well it wasn't." He grumbled, watching the metal turn red hot.

It wouldn't be nearly enough to keep him from the librarian. Not if he really set his mind to it.

His pupils flashed pink as he groaned replaying that night in his head for the hundredth time.

He jerked the destabilizer from the flame and began to hammer, slamming it against the metal over and over again.

Five days earlier...

"Steven… Please…. Just a little peek?" Pearl insisted. It had been two days but he still felt sick.

He shouldn't be here but he couldn't leave. Her room felt like home, like a hug that ached.

He sat at her bedside in a wing-backed red chair, hideous afghan around him. There were so many books he could be reading. They lined the baseboards, spilling off bookcases and swallowed every surface. All he could do was stare at her instead.

She was in bed, Pearl sitting on the edge and stroking her hair, tumbling down everywhere around her.

She looked pale, like a shadow of her normal bright self.

"No. I'm not entering her head again like that again. Not without asking her first." Steven insisted. He didn't deserve to be here but he wanted to make sure she woke up. He eyed the purple at her wrists. He could heal her but that would mean touching her. He didn't feel like he deserved to just make that disappear. He'd heal her but he wanted her permission.

Right now he felt like he was pushing his luck just being in her room.

Maybe we shouldn't see each other for a bit.

Why was he here?

She didn't want him. He shouldn't be here. And yet..

He watched her, painfully aware of her steady slow intake of breath in dreams. He just wanted a little more time. He just wanted to confirm that she was going to wake up. And then he'd leave.

"But it's just to make sure she's alright…" Pearl trailed, chewing on her bottom lip nervously.

"I can't. I won't. Connie's mom says she's okay, she's just exhausted." Steven assured her as much as himself. The dark circles under her eyes weren't improving though. He went ahead and blamed himself for those too.

"She's been out for two days. I don't think that's normal for a human or a Prism…" Pearl stated quietly. Her fingers kept up a methodical strumming of the hair spilled across her lap. Steven would have given the world to trade places with her in that moment, in an alternate timeline where he hadn't…

He cut off that train of thought.

"You're worried about her?" Steven asked, surprised.

"Well I… She's a sweet girl." Pearl flushed blue, "And she's important to you."

Steven swallowed thickly, nodding, "She is. Even if she doesn't want to see me after this."

Pearl looked uncomfortable now, "She's… practical. She knows she's whats causing you to-"

"No! No, Pearl. I'm the problem! Not her. I don't want to stop seeing her but I'm terrified I'm going to hurt her even worse than I did this time." He ran a hand into his hair, tugging slightly. He seemed to curl into himself, receding into the giant red chair.

Pearl's features seemed to soften as she looked up at him. "Steven… I have never known you to give up. And I don't think she's the type to either." A pause, "Really, her written Glyphs are simply horrible I wish she would sometimes…" Pearl said despondently.

"Pearl!" He laughed a little through a tight smile, grip lessening.

He sighed, staring at the sleeping librarian again, like he had for hours. He wanted to commit every freckle, every curl to memory. In case it was all he had.

"Honestly Steven.… I see the way she looks at you, the way she talks about you when you're not around. You had a fight. When she wakes up, apologize. Find a way to move on." Pearl urged him.

"I…" Steven trailed. The librarian suddenly shifted, eyelids tightening, breath sharpening.

"She's waking up." Pearl whispered.

Steven got to his feet hurriedly, blanket tumbling off his lap. He nearly tripped over it in his effort to scramble to the doorway.

"Steven? Where are you going?" Pearl called after him.

"I'm sorry! I know you said apologize but… I can't. I cant face her, not yet. Watch over her, Pearl." Steven choked.

Pearl made a move to get up, devastated by the torment on the half Gem's expression.

"Pearl?" The soft voice of the librarian croaked, sore from disuse. Her eyes flickered open, everything a blur without her glasses.

Steven felt relief trickle down his spine at seeing her awake. His heart clenched as he saw how vulnerable she looked, the pain in her face.

He couldn't… He couldn't be here right now.

He turned and fled before she saw him.

Bismuth gave him another hit from the destabilizer.

This time it was enough to freeze the breath in his lungs and knock him to his knees. The pain lanced through every nerve ending, stopping all coherent thought. He skidded back across the floor, crackling with yellow lightening.

His eyes were Diamond points when he looked up at her. Bismuth was frozen at the sight, nerves raising. She'd sent a Diamond flying, a lifelong goal really. Why then was something in her telling her this was a very bad idea?

"Better." He huffed, struggling to get his breath.

Amethyst strolled into the forge right at that moment, oblivious to the tense minefield she was walking into.

"Yo dude. That thing kicks!" Amethyst cracked up, smiling. She didn't wait to see Steven's expression, attention on Bismuth. She went over and fist bumped the dazed Gem.

"You're really getting down to Bismuth making new weapons already? Oh man… Those Metals won't stand a chance if that thing leveled Steven!" Amethyst jumped up, hanging off Bismuth's shoulders to shake her excitedly.

Amethyst enjoyed the peace of Era Three. She really did. But she also enjoyed a challenge and nothing said a challenge like a new enemy to fight.

"Metals?" Steven asked, getting to his feet. "What are you talking about?"

Amethyst laughed, "Those lame aliens? Come on dude, the librarian told you, right? She's been home since yesterday."

Her smile evaporated at Steven's thunderous expression.

"Ah boy." She cringed.

"Amethyst…" His tone pitched in warning, "Spill."

The librarian was combing through the latest stack of Gem texts, homework pages from Pearl scattered out on her coffee table as well. The Rise and Fall of the Great Diamond Authority sat open in her lap. She adjusted her glasses, muttering to herself as she compared notes. She was trying to read what she could about any mention in Era Two pages of Metals but the translation wall was making it slow going.

There was a knock at her door.

"Just a minute!" She called out, book in hand as she made her way to the front door. She couldn't put it down. She was so close on the current Glyph. Feminine possessive… Source… Mother!

She opened the door distractedly, expecting Connie or one of the Gems. There was an unnatural silence and she glanced up.

Steven Universe stood on her doorstep and livid would be a polite term to describe him. He glared at her, arms crossed over his chest sternly.

"Uh… Hi?" She stated, dazed.

"When exactly were you planning on telling me that you, Connie, and Garnet fought a Metal in Empire City?"

He stormed past her and into her living room. She'd never seen Steven mad before.

Annoyed, yes. Unsettled, yes. But this… She took a deep breath and entered the proverbial ring.

"Won't you please come in?" She asked sarcastically, eyebrow raised. Steven was pacing in her living room already and she shut the door behind her, closing the book in her hand with a snap. She added it to the nearest stack. When she crossed her arms and didn't make a move to answer him, he barreled on.

"You…. You fought a Metal? And everyone knew but me! I had to hear it from Amethyst." Steven wasn't even looking at her. She was surprised he hadn't already burned a trench in her floor he was so steamed.

"It wasn't a big deal. Connie and Garnet had it covered. And well… You and I haven't exactly been….speaking." She finished after a pause, shrugging. That snapped him from his rut. He stared at her, seemingly stunned.

"Wasn't a big deal?" Steven repeated, incredulous. "Metals are the one enemy White Diamond won't talk to me about! They were compassionless galactic warlords that fought the Diamonds tooth and nail in a race to colonize half the galaxy. When one of them comes to Earth, my planet, it is a very big deal."

Steven glowered now, "Especially when their primary goal is to kidnap you."

He was staring at her straight on now and stars, how he had missed her. Every wave of hair, every freckle, just as it had been. Seeing her after so much longing to… It only amplified his desire to keep her exactly how she was now: Safe.

She pushed up her glasses and ran a hand through her hair in frustration, "I'm fine. Garnet-"

"Will not always be around to protect you." Steven cut her off striding towards her now. He wanted to hide her away in some bunker, some ivory tower, some perfect oasis where no one would ever find her.

"I know that, Steven! I'm not an idiot. Amethyst is going to train me." She shrugged as if to say the issue was resolved. That was something the purple Gem had not mentioned.

Why was everyone keeping secrets from him? Steven felt like screaming.

He kept his voice even, barely, "Train you? No. You don't need training."

Now she felt like screaming.

Her eyes narrowed, "And why not?"

"Because you are not going anywhere near a battlefield." Steven warned her.

The librarian snapped, "You are not the boss of me, Steven Universe!"

"I'm not trying to-" He cut himself off, realizing he was yelling.

He shut his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath before trying again, "It's not safe."

"Oh and it was safe for you when you were eight?" She countered, arms crossing her chest.

"That was against other Gems! This is different." He argued, pointing one way and then another to illustrate the difference.

Gems had been trying to kill him or kidnap him.

Oh.

Well… Now that he was thinking about it, maybe it wasn't that different.

"All the better reason for me to be prepared! I should know how to defend myself."

"On that at least we agree." He stated grimly. "Here."

He reached into his pocket and handed her a small tube with a button. He pressed it into her palm. Steven hit the button and what burst from it was an angry tuning fork, crackling with yellow electricity. It screeched in her hand like a hell cat, the sheer energy from it standing her hair on end. She could feel a powerful thrum in the handle.

"It's a destabilizer. Bismuth and I tweaked it. It should keep you safe from the Metals…and from me." Steven trailed. Her large eyes reflected the crackle and jump of electricity with a sense of wonder until she registered his words. She pressed the button on the side and it retracted.

"I don't think…. I can't…"

"Yes, you can! I know you don't want to see me anymore, but the Metals seem to think you're mine. And seeing how I don't know how to announce to half the galaxy you and I aren't…"

"Oh. Is that what you want?" The librarian asked, voice faint and hurt apparent.

Steven stared at her as if she had said something absurd, "No! But since it's what you want-"

"Don't get me wrong, I am very mad at you right now. But… when did I say I didn't want to date you anymore?" She interrupted him flatly.

Steven froze, "Wait, what? The whole reason I… That night at Connie's party… You said maybe we shouldn't see each other."

That? That was why?

She groaned in understanding now, "I meant maybe we shouldn't physically see each other. As in maybe we shouldn't see each other face to face for a little while? As a temporary measure until Bismuth could figure out how to make your Diamond half chill out! Not break up entirely! You're the one who refuses to answer my calls. If anyone doesn't want us to be together, it's you!"

Steven stared at her thunderstruck, "You… You still want to date me?" He was torn between abject relief and numb disbelief. He couldn't bring himself to hope.

"Yes! Even if you're being a total clod. Which, just so we're clear, you definitely are right now." She pointed out and he sank back from her, pacing again like a caged animal. His hands shook and he ran one through his curls, clenching slightly.

"But before.. The bookcase… I lost control."

He shouldn't be questioning this. But he couldn't stop. He chanced a glance at her and she let out a breath, inclining her head.

"Yeah and I'm pissed you haven't apologized over that but I hardly think you meant to."

"I really am sorry." He breathed almost immediately, wide brown eyes on hers now.

She nodded stiffly, unable to keep his gaze, "I know. Thanks for the new coffee table and the house repairs by the way."

She didn't have any proof but she knew she was right when color crested his cheeks.

"I… Well… Least I could do." He said tightly after a moment. He eyed the upward twist of her hair, the outline of her form. His fingers twitched, longing that he quit fighting this. He kept fighting it anyway.

"You really… You really still want to be with me?" He heard himself ask her, his tone wistful.

"Oh stars, Steven…" She exhaled in exasperation and let out a trill, a sound in Gemspeak:

"Yes! A thousand times yes! What more can I say to convince you I want you?"

He made a drawn out broken sound at this and he lunged, dragging her to him. He embraced her, burying his face in her shoulder. It felt like he was practically hanging off of her, melting down into her. She held him, arms tight around his back.

She swallowed, "I do want you. I want to be with you. And I don't want you to think that comes with strings or conditions." Her grip loosened and she pulled back enough to see his eyes were swimming, "But if this… if we… are going to work, you have to figure your Diamond shit out, Universe. I'll help you. I'll do anything you need me to. But no trying fealty again without my consent again. Ever." The librarian stared at him pointedly. This was non-negotiable.

"Okay." He promised, his voice almost a hoarse whisper.

She nodded again and chanced a glance up, "Then the real question is… do you want to date me? I don't know if you heard but apparently I am a rare space weapon that can't find her on switch and not a human." There was a hint of a smile, a ghost of her usual mirth.

He laughed, the sound low and shaky. His eyes were dark, a molten twist of chocolate, "I could care less about what you are. But if you need help finding that on switch I am very available."

"Steven!" She chided in furious embarrassment and he laughed again, sounding more confident. He couldn't pull himself from her personal space. He could smell it, that light floral scent she always wore. He could feel some tension un-bunch between his shoulder blades at the feel of her hands on his shoulder, on his chest.

"Seriously though…" He murmured, "If we're going to work… No more keeping things like the Metals from me and trying to deal with them on your own. I've yet to see a relationship survive something like that." He admitted. He had serious childhood baggage from that.

"Okay…" She sighed, "But if you're making rules, I am too. The no kissing thing was a bad idea. We're a couple. We need to touch each other." She pleaded.

He felt his breathing tighten.

"I don't… I'm terrified if we start I won't be able to keep my hands off you. I don't want to make you uncomfortable." He confessed, cheeks tinting with color.

She grinned, "Are you seriously trying to threaten me with a good time?"

He laughed, despite himself, smile quickly simmering to pensive worry, "But Pink Diamond…"

She sighed as if humoring him.

And then his brain short circuited as she leaned up and kissed him.

It was a soft thing, her lips lingering on his own. She was steady and sure, gentle as her mouth brushed his full bottom lip. By the third pass he'd regained enough wherewithal to kiss her back.

Steven dimly registered he had never kissed her before, not in the waking world. This was technically their first kiss. She deserved a proper one.

So he cradled the back of her head in his large hands and poured all of his longing into a slow move of his mouth against hers. She swayed on her feet as he led her through it, all sharp inhales before forgetting how to breathe at all. He kissed her like he had longed to, like he had ached for, an ebb and flow of pressure that he drew out exquisitely.

There was a rosy hue as his gem started to glow underneath his star t-shirt. He heard the soft sound she made as a result of his attentions, hyper aware of the way her skin looked bathed in the soft pink light of his gem as he kissed her. She was beautiful like this, in her want of him.

He wanted more, his Diamond urged him. To back her into the nearest wall and to take.

No!

He released her as though she burned him, hands trembling from the effort.

She opened her eyes, looking at him in blissful confusion as the light disappeared.

"Steven?"

"We can't." Steven insisted with a panicked edge, unable to fight the awakening interest he felt from within him, hovering just underneath the surface, "It's dangerous. I'm dangerous."

"You're not dangerous. Pink Diamond is still you. I can talk to him." She assured him.

His gaze was fierce, "And say what? He wants fealty, nothing less."

She shrugged, "Oh, I don't know…But I could use his help when the Metals show back up. And between his dream conduct and Facets I might have a few ideas on an agreeable compromise."

She was heading down a dangerous path. One she was fairly certain the wholesome youngest Universe would be very against.

"What… are you suggesting?" Steven asked, suddenly feeling faint.

"Well to be blunt… Humans have several different ways of showing an intimate dedication to someone without losing free will if they're doing it right. Um… Sex for one thing."

Steven felt his vision bleed magenta for a moment. The casual commentary so soon after kissing her slid hot under his skin, enough to make him burn at the mere thought. He wasn't sure what scared him more, how much he enjoyed the idea or how his Diamond half seemed to be entertaining it.

"You want to… to…" He couldn't even put it to words.

She arched an eyebrow and he couldn't decide if he wanted to run, fight, or kiss her again.

"It's an option." She acknowledged. He could feel his gaze point Diamond at the very insinuation. He thought back to the sound she made when he kissed her, the blush on her cheeks. He was fairly certain he could make her string together a song out of those pretty noises. He quickly shut his eyes, turning away from her and swallowing a groan.

"No. Absolutely not. Until two minutes ago we had an agreement against kissing and now you want to… You…" He let out a shaky laugh, clinging to his protests like a lifeline. His hands shook, trembling.

"You're panicking. Quit panicking." She told him carefully and he inhaled sharply. "I'm not talking about jumping right in. But, well, there is a gradual build up to these things when two people are in a relationship. Connie seems to think denying physical touch could be what's making it so bad for you. Her suggestion was locking ourselves in the bedroom for a week." She explained almost innocently, fidgeting a bit.

He felt his mouth go dry. He did feel starved for it. And now that he'd tasted her he felt the emptiness of knowing just what he'd deprived himself of and it hurt. He turned away from her, trying to purge the image his mind was quickly conjuring of her wrapped around him, tangled up in her sheets, and failing desperately.

"Connie is not an expert on Gems. I am not risking your safety on a hunch." He insisted.

"And I'm not using a glorified taser on you just because you're scared of being turned on."

"I am not scared of being turned on!" He protested, his voice cracking, eyes closed as he rubbed his temple in frustration.

"Steven…" She sighed, "You won't even look at me right now."

"That's because it's a bad idea." He whirled, eyes latching onto hers, so fierce that they burned. It swallowed her confidence and her breath. He grabbed her wrist, pulling her towards him, "Listen to me. We are not going to make love for the first time as part of some cheap negotiation for power with my Diamond half. You deserve better than that."

"Sweet boy, but who says it'd be my first time?" She asked, lips curling wryly. It wasn't rocket science to figure out that if kissing Connie, his only girlfriend, had felt wrong… It was a near certainty the half-Gem was a virgin.

"It'd be your first time with me and that's what matters." Steven countered, unfazed.

"It doesn't bother you?" She asked, brow raised. She'd been a senior in high school and had gotten carried away in the backseat at a sleepy drive-in movie theatre. It'd been messy and sloppy like so many other first times.

"Nope. Doesn't matter." Steven confirmed, eyes still burning, "Because I am going to completely ruin you for anyone else again." He told her confidently. He was a living contradiction, bashful and shy some moments and intensely confident in others.

She swallowed thickly. Her eyes met his and seemed to swallow her into a trance.

He continued on, his voice low and full of intent, "I'm going to take my time exploring every square inch of you until I know you better than I know myself. I'm going to kiss you like I did just now and a hundred other ways until you needme, like you can't breathe without me. I'm going to touch you in ways you're starving for until you beg for it."

She stared at him owlishly, feeling like she might black out from how red her face was. She made a sound in the back of her throat that teetered somewhere between a whine and a sob.

"And when I finally make love to you, and make no mistake about it- I will- it'll be as me and it'll be on my terms. I will use every piece of me to worship every piece of you. Making love would be the only thing you could call it." His brown eyes were so richly dark they teetered on black, appraising her reaction.

Her voice cracked but she found it, "Really?"

She sounded far more doubtful than she felt.

"Yes. I'll love you forever until you can't stand it." Steven warned her and she inhaled sharply.

Any iota of witty thought she possessed dried up into a babbling, stammering mess.

"Oh." She only exclaimed, stunned. It sounded like a threat rather than a promise but rather than fearful she felt… impatient. A shudder traveled up her spine. He hadn't said anything obscene or explicit. Yet her body reacted stronger than if he used every filthy word in the lexicon.

The flush crept down her neck. Her wrist twinged in his hold, his grip painful on her bruised skin. Steven felt her twinge and his brow furrowed, grip on her wrist loosening to reveal the purple skin. He lost some of his edge, guilt flickering through his features.

"I'm sorry… I should have done this days ago." He pulled her wrist higher, examining the marks on her skin and hating the sight. He surged forward, plush lips at her pulse point, kissing slowly across the underside of her wrist. She felt her legs shake, his magic sliding into her skin, sparkling pink as it removed the discoloration. It took all of her willpower not to moan at the sensation.

Oh stars, she wanted to feel that power, his tongue, that magic everywhere.

He was going to ruin her and she couldn't even bring herself to resist.

"Steven…" She trailed, his name sounding in far breathier a tone than she was proud of. He ignored her, doing the same with her other wrist, slowly, methodically. He watched her fall apart under lowered lashes, unable to hide the way the corner of his mouth curved up in amusement.

Stars, people had him all wrong. There was nothing innocent now about how his touch, his mouth felt on her. It was a ghost of earlier, a hint of how it had felt to kiss him. The bruising on her wrist melted away leaving supreme pleasure that sunk into her bones. His gaze flicked up to hers, dark and wanting.

"I'll agree to kissing you. But only if you agree to carry the destabilizer." She could feel him slip the tube into her palms once more. It was enough to tug her from the brink, leading her out of her haze.

"I'm not going to use that thing on you because you aren't dangerous, Steven."

"I am." He grit out, "It's Bismuth's solution. It's what we agreed."

"That was when Bismuth's solution didn't involve enough electricity to reanimate Frankenstein and give me a perm." She pointed out. He groaned, persisting.

"Only if it's an emergency. If I'm out of control." His gaze was pleading. Her wrists slipped from his grip and she circled her fingers into his star t-shirt. Her blush was fading, her brain rebooting as she recalled how violent the crackle and thrum of power in the weapon had felt to her.

"It'll hurt, won't it? How could it not?" She asked, unable to meet his eyes.

"It'll get me to stop. You'll be safe." He reasoned, lips brushing her temple. His nose followed indulgently. He could smell that trace of sweet floral again and he wanted to grow a garden of whatever bloom it was and bury himself in it. The librarian however, wasn't so far gone to notice he didn't say no.

"Steven, I'm not hurting you. If it was the other way around, could you?" She tipped her head back, imploring him to see it from her point of view.

"Well… No." He admitted hesitantly, "But I'm telling you it's okay. I'd rather be the one hurt than you."

Her lips pursed at this, "Then my answer is still no. I won't carry it. That's not good enough."

Steven felt his frustration exploding, and he pulled back from her, "I'm telling you I don't trust myself. Listen to me!"

"No, you listen to me. You need to at least try to find another way. That thing can't be-"

"There's not. This is the best way you just don't want to hear it. Take the destabilizer." He interrupted her, shoving her fingers closed in a fist around the tube. Anger flared in her again as she realized he wasn't asking, he was telling her.

"I told you. You are not the boss of me. You do not get to just order people around, Steven. You Diamonds seem to have a habit of forgetting that's not how relationships work." She glowered stubbornly. She threw the destabilizer and he caught it, furious.

Her last comment cut deep but he did his best not to show it. She caught it though, the crumbling corners of his facade and she went to apologize but he beat her to the punch.

"Maybe you were right. Maybe we shouldn't see each other."

Pain lanced through her.

He stormed out the door without a single glance back for the second time.

Notes: Why's every OC the most purest virgin to ever virgin? Or if she is experienced, the lead's butthurt about it? Miss me with that BS. Sex positivity and experienced reader FTW!