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Recap: Angel showed up to see Buffy. At first she was angry and fought against him but she eventually gave in to him. Joyce, although not happy with Angel showing up, set up the basement for him to sleep during the day so he can rest and be there for Buffy. Buffy knows that Angel will leave again and she doesn't know how to deal with it.

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Built Up Walls: Chapter 8: Morning

Buffy
I opened my eyes and took a quick peek at the clock on the bedside table, 10:17am; I've been asleep for nearly 11 hours. It's the most I have slept since Angel left. Angel. Of course his side of the bed was now empty because he had to go and find somewhere to stay until the sun goes down again. I don't know where he would have gone but I hope it's not too far away because him being here last night made me realise just how much I need him in my life. He makes everything better and with him I feel safe, secure and loved which is what I need right now. I know he can't stay forever, but I want him to stay for a while, I know it's selfish but I really need him right now.

When he showed up last night I wasn't sure what to do. At first I thought it might be a dream but I knew that wasn't right. I can't believe Willow got him here, she listened to me and she brought him here and for that I owe her so much. I know I said last night that maybe it wasn't a good idea that he came back but I realise now that he was just what I needed. I needed to vent to someone and it just turns out that Angel was the one I needed to vent to. I'm glad he's here but I can't help thinking about him leaving again, it doesn't sound like he's planning on staying around for long so maybe I need to put the distance between us now so that when the time comes it doesn't hurt as bad as it did the first time.

Talking to Angel last night just reminded me of the times we shared together, so many nights when the two of us would just stay up talking and cuddling until I fell asleep. I forgot about everything for a little while and it was nice to just be with someone who wasn't asking me tons of questions about it, come to think of it, Angel didn't ask me once about what had happened, he was just there for me. He said he would be here for me until I was better but what if I need him here forever? He can't be here forever and I understand that but I feel like I'm going to break if he goes again.

I always said to myself that I wasn't going to be one of those girls whose life revolves around her boyfriend. I wasn't going to be dependent on him for anything but here I am; scared my life is going to fall apart when Angel leaves again. Before I was attacked, look how I was, I was depressed and miserable and was always thinking of him. I worried my friends and my mom with my behaviour, I wasn't myself but I guess that is what love does to you...

You know, if I knew then what I know now, I don't think I ever would have pursued a relationship with Angel. I don't think I ever would have put myself through the heartbreak. It is the worst feeling in the world and nothing can make it better.

I heard the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs and someone approach my room, the door opened and my mom came in with a kind smile on her face.

"I was just coming to check if you were awake," She said and sat down at the bottom of my bed "I set up the basement for Angel," She stated.

"You did?" I asked in surprise "I didn't think you liked Angel that much," I added.

"He's not awful but as your mother, I am allowed to hold a little anger towards the man that broke your heart. I will give him his dues, he came back the second he knew you needed him... that doesn't sound like someone who is ready to give up on a relationship," She told me.

"I'm scared," I blurted out.

"Of what?" She asked.

"I'm scared of Angel leaving again and feeling heartbroken again," I said.

"I don't know what the answer is here but it is very clear that the two of you love each other very much. You are willing to kill for one another and I'm sure you would die for one another. If you want my opinion, I don't think this is the end of the Buffy and Angel story," She said grabbing hold of my hand in comfort "Go and see him, I think he's awake. Go and talk to him and let him know how much you want him to stay. If he tells you he doesn't want to and makes it clear he does not want any future with you, at least you know." She explained.

I walked down into the basement and saw Angel sitting on one of our old garden chairs and reading one of my mom's mystery novels. He looked up when he heard me and we gave each other a small smile. I stayed standing on the bottom step and Angel stood from his chair but neither of us made a move to go closer to one another.

"Did you sleep well?" Angel asked.

"Best sleep I've had in a while," I answered "What about you? I know the basement isn't ideal-"

"It was fine. I appreciate your mom setting this up for me, she didn't have to do that," He said.

I stepped off the step and took two steps towards Angel but he didn't move. I wonder what he's thinking... is he thinking it was a bad idea to come back here? Maybe he's trying to tell me that he was leaving again.

"Is everything ok?" He questioned.

"I want to talk to you about something but I'm not really sure where to begin," I replied.

"Do you want to sit down?" He asked and indicated to the chair.

"No," I answered "I want to talk about us," He opened his mouth to speak but I cut him off "Let me finish," He stayed quiet "I know you are going to leave again and I don't know how I'm going to deal with that. When you left the first time, every waking moment was awful. It was as if someone had stuck a knife in my chest and was constantly wiggling it around. I thought about you all the time and when that guy... did what he did... I was drugged but I kept thinking of you," I explained.

"Buffy if I knew what was going to happen, I never would have left," He said.

"I don't blame you, none of this is your fault," I told him "I was thinking of you because I love you and I thought if I kept thinking of you, you would come and save me... that you might be able to hear my thoughts or something," I told him and realised how crazy I sounded.

"I knew something was wrong," He started "Before Willow called, I had this feeling that something bad was happening or about to happen. I was worried about you and then Willow called and she told me what had happened," Angel took a step towards me and reached out his hand, I took it and he pulled me gently closer to him "I have never been so heartbroken then when I got that phone call. I got here as soon as I could because I wanted to be here to help you, with whatever you needed," He finished.

"I don't know how to deal with you leaving again," I stated.

"I'm not going anywhere right now," He replied.

"But you will be," I said and he didn't answer "You leaving, is that really the answer here?" I questioned.

"I don't know how to stay and be around you. I can't watch whilst you go off to college and meet guys, get another boyfriend and fall in love with someone else. I can't do that to myself and if it was the other way around, I wouldn't want you watch me fall in love with someone else,"

"So, you think you will fall in love with someone else? Is this happening anytime soon?" I asked him with sarcasm in my angry voice.

"No," He sighed "Buffy I-"

"I'm done with this conversation." I stated.

I turned my back to Angel and he went to grab my hand but I jerked back from him and ran up the stairs and out of the basement, slamming the door. I heard running from the basement and the door flew open, Angel stepped out and stayed in the shadows.

"Buffy there is never going to be anyone but you. I have never loved anyone before you and I will probably never love anyone again but I'm just trying to explain why I can't stay here," He told me "You deserve to find a really nice man and get married, have children, have family holidays and live the dream. I can't give you that, I know and it kills me that you will have all of those things with someone else but I won't stand in the way of it. All I have ever wanted for you Buffy, is to be happy," He explained.

"I was happy with you," I replied.

"For now, what about when Willow gets married or Xander and they start having children? Everyone will be moving on with their lives and if I stay here with you I'll just be holding you back and I don't want to do that to you. I don't you to grow to resent me for not being able to give you the things you want," He explained "I also don't want to be the reason you get put in more danger. When those vampires took me, you walked into their trap and you nearly got killed. I would never live with myself if you got killed trying to save me or because of me... we kid ourselves for a long time Buffy but we're not going to get the happy ever after," He added.

"Then why are you here now, if you're just going to leave again? What was the point in coming back to help and build me up then leave and have me crumble again? That is cruel. That is something Angelus would do... not Angel," I argued.

"Do you want me to leave when the sun sets?" He asked.

"Clearly this is not about what I want. This has always been about what you want. If you want to leave tonight, then leave," I told him "I'm going out," I stated.

"Where are you going?" He questioned.

"Like you care."

I grabbed my jacket off the kitchen counter and walked out the back door, slamming it behind me when I left.

How dare he do this to me! I don't know what he wants from me, if he wants to leave then let him leave. It's obvious what I want or feel doesn't matter just like it didn't matter when he left the first time. I guess it's true what they say, men are only good at running away. I thought what me and Angel had was strong and we would overcome everything as long as we have one another but he obviously doesn't feel the way I do.

So I know Angel and Buffy talk more about their relationship in this chapter then the assault that took place but there is a reason for that. With Angel back it is giving Buffy something else to focus on and she is bottling up her feelings about the attack, we all know it is never good to bottle up feelings because one day there will be an explosion and I feel like Buffy is going to explode very soon.

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed that chapter and I hope to see you for the next instalment.

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