"Logan, I think I need to hear about the time in between," Rory began hesitantly. "I know it's not particularly nice to hear about the other people we've had in our lives, but I think they have shaped us and hence we ought to at least know the cliffnotes before we can claim to know one and other again," she said. She wanted to believe he was exactly the same person she had fallen for all those years ago, but she felt like there were all these gaps. A potential minefield even, if she thought of her own life.
"If you insist," Logan replied, a little less enthusiastically.
"You don't want to know?" she asked, surprisedly.
"I know it's going to hurt, I'm jealous just by the thought of it, so why would I want to put myself through that," he stated.
"Logan, it's been seven years, it's not like a few months. That time is longer than the time we were together. We grew so much during those three years, it would be utterly naive to think we haven't developed in the last seven. I feel we slipped into accepting the image of the person we were very easily, but are those really the people were are today? People are shaped by their relationships, aren't they?" Rory tried to explain. She certainly wasn't the same person she had been.
"Okay. Can I go first at least, feel free to stop me if you don't want me to continue," he said.
"Okay," she sighed. She sat on his bed, her legs pulled up in front of her, arms around them watching as Logan paced slowly around the room.
"So as I said, the first year was pretty brutal. I worked hard and partied even harder, way worse than I ever did with Finn and Colin. I'm definitely not proud of that period. And well, you can imagine what I did to try to take my mind off things, I don't think I need to spell it out for you," he said, trying to spare her from the details.
She cringed momentarily, but nodded in agreement, she really didn't need to hear it, but in a way she had expected that. While she had wanted to believe she'd completely changed Logan around from his old ways, without the motivation, she realized that it would have been easy for Logan to fall back into the old pattern. And she really couldn't blame him.
"At one point Honor helped me pull my act together, talked some sense into me. Then I dated a bit, still in Palo Alto. But nothing I could take seriously came from any of those dates. And that really discouraged me, and for a while I really didn't want to date, I might actually have been depressed, I don't know - I never got a diagnosis or anything. So I just focused on the work. But I wasn't working hard for the right reasons and I just sort of broke down. When Honor suggested I go with her to London, I sold the company and stared things over. That in a way woke me up again. I went back to school. Imperial College London, got my degree. There I met Ashley. With her I dated casually, dated other people at the same time. She ran in the same circles so it was convenient for both of us. We broke up after a year or so when she met someone else who she wanted to commit to and I had no objections," he said, taking a deep breath in between.
"What was she like?" Rory asked.
"I guess she had some similar qualities to you in a way - the way she studied for example, very focused and hardworking. Intelligent. Everyone liked her, very easy to get along. And I could talk to her, and that felt really good," he specified.
Rory nodded, uring him to continue.
"After that I guess the main problem was that I had gotten used to hanging out with the Ashely's friends and I lost that along with her. Honor involved me in her life more, her friends included. I dated a little. During that time I guess by studying and being around dad more again melted the ice a little between him and I, and dad offered me to come back to work for him. I did, first started out at the London office. I didn't travel as much then. But it's not like I worked a lot less, but at least during those few years I learned to balance things a little better, and started to take care of myself more. I met Samantha through Honor, a friend of a friend. She certainly fit my mom's profile of the wife I apparently needed. Sam was family oriented, looked great and could definitely hold a decent conversation. We got as far as living together, but I kept feeling like she wanted more and faster, marriage and kids, and with her I just didn't feel it. I was in no hurry to do any of those things and I kept ignoring her prompts and hints to discuss those things. In a way I think I sabotaged the whole thing in the end. I just didn't really love her like that, I just loved the idea of her. The idea that I could maybe love her under certain conditions. But that never happened. It wasn't fair to her and she was truly heartbroken when I broke up with her," he said sitting down, leaning his forehead against his hand.
Rory could see that remembering wasn't particularly easy for him either, not just difficult for her to hear it.
"So that's when I started travelling around like I do now. And since then it's been quiet. A few casual hook-ups along the way but nothing serious," he added, wanting to finish talking. It was like poking around in an old wound.
"Anything else you'd like to add?" she asked. She wondered whether she should poke the topic of Anna, but she figured he would've told her if it had been anything significant. If it did fall under 'nothing serious' there wouldn't really be anything to ask at all.
"No," he breathed out.
"I guess it's my turn," she said, seeding the dread in Logan's face at the thought.
"Can you spare me the details, please? Just tell me what do you think I need to know, okay?" he said, taking a seat on the bed now, hoping to get it over with like ripping off a bandaid. Rory clearly thought it was necessary, and maybe she was right, but it didn't make the anticipation any more pleasant.
"Alright, I'll try," Rory said, seeing how he was struggling.
"So I guess there are two main things that you need to hear about. The first I'm really not proud of. I went back to Jess for a while, just before moving to New York. He was still very much in love with me and I used him as a rebound. It was short, a month or so, but I really regret doing that. It was incredibly unfair to him. And I honestly haven't spoken to him since. That is also one of the reasons it's difficult for me to go back home to Stars Hollow, he's Luke's nephew after all and at holidays he is around sometimes, even if not at the house, at Luke's or around town. Mom really hated what happened, I tried to convince her at first that it wasn't a rebound but she could see right through it, and I just didn't listen to her. He was so hurt. I'm a horrible person for what happened," she added, feeling the tears form in her throat.
"Ace..," he began, wanting to sooth her. The idea of her rekindling things with Jess wasn't something he liked hearing, but in a way he wasn't surpised. He'd known he had a thing for her, it had been clear to him for a long time. And surely, the idea that Rory had sought comfort in him, hurt him too, but after what they'd talked about before, he couldn't really blame her either. Here it wasn't Rory's fault, it was his, for putting her in that position in the first place.
Rory took a deep breath, hoping to gather herself, and gestured to Logan that she was fine.
"And the other one was a few year later, Mark, a true gentleman at first, and I guess I was just so overwhelmed by the amount of bad dates in New York, that when he came along, I was just so blinded by his gestures and intelligence. We moved really fast, lived together in my apartment, spent all of our time together. My mom loved him, being a true charmer. But somehow behind all that facade I didn't really notice when he became controlling and manipulative. First small things like keeping tabs on me, where I was and who I was with. It just seemed caring at first, considerate even. Soon I felt guilty about spending time in Stars Hollow with mom or with Paris, so I did so less and less. Later it was insisting I come home straight after work, checking my phone, things like that. I was so dependent on him, I guess I just felt that I'd be completely alone without him, having pushed Paris and mom away," Rory said.
"Did he hurt you?" Logan interrupted her, already feeling anger towards the guy building in him.
"Physically, no. Mentally, definitely," she replied. "Paris, thankfully, talked some sense into me. It was thanks to her that I told him to move out at one point. It was a year and a half into the relationship when I finally saw that it wasn't healthy. But I am so glad I got out when I did, because as far as I've read later on about things like that, it is that type of people who often turn violent at some point. My therapist says the main reason I kept at it for that long, not wanting to see it, was that essentially I have a bunch of abandonment issues to deal with. I've been seeing Dr. Matthews for almost three years now. I'm doing much better now compare to when I started, but it has been a good routine to keep up, though I don't need see her often anymore," Rory said, looking at Logan carefully.
Logan truly hadn't expected anything like that. He'd pictured romance and commitment, feeling jealous, but there was none of that.
"Do you think I was to blame for the abandonment issues?" he inquired, beginning to blame himself.
"Logan, no," she replied, plainly. "All the times I've discussed this with her, it's been a mix of past events - dad and Jess mostly. Overall the fear of someone leaving me again, caused me to stick around Mark for as long as I did. And that whole relationship didn't help anything - I began doubting myself, like maybe I was too damaged for someone to love me even. I know it was flawed thinking and talking to a therapist really helped me to learn to identify things like that. I did blame myself for our breakup for a while, that I wasn't able to take that leap of faith. That probably was linked to these issues, but now understanding your side of the story much better and I really do think I just wasn't ready to do it the way you chose to present it then," Rory explained, taking a deep breath. "And after that, it's just been a few casual dates, and I guess it's been difficult to trust people's intentions," Rory explained. "Now with you, one of the first things I noticed was how effortless trusting you is. Like that trust we had was still there," she added.
"Oh Rory, I had no idea," he returned to sit next to her, taking her hand. He felt silly now, almost having not wanting to hear about her past, for his own selfish reasons. "Thank you for telling me, thank you for insisting on telling me," he said, sincerely.
"How could you have known?" she sighed. She felt relieved having him known how she'd struggled. It was her baggage and it certainly wasn't light, but it was hers. Logan needed to know that. As much as she tried, she could't stop the tears falling from her eyes. They were tears of relief and worry, worry whether Logan would be able to handle it.
"Hey..," he said, wiping the tears off her cheeks, pulling her close for a hug.
"It's just a huge weight off my shoulders, that you finally know these things. And I know it's not particularly attractive to have baggage like that, but it is how it is..," she sobbed.
"Don't cry, Ace, I'm here." Logan soothed her. "This doesn't change how I feel about you," he sighed.
Rory burried her face in his chest in reply, feeling his hands around her creating a sense of safety. It was not much later than the two scooted over to lay down on the bed, and fell asleep, their clothes still on, neither of them willing to let go.
AN: I know this wasn't an easy chapter to read, not easy to write either. But 7 years is a very long time. Lighter chapters ahead, I promise. Thank you for reading, reviews are appreciated.